A Desire So Deadly (6 page)

Chapter 7

T
he sound of rain patters on the windows of the diner. I look around, and the place is empty except for one table in the corner. A blond-headed guy sits with his back to me, and I’m drawn to him. Slowly, my legs heavy as if walking through water, I move toward him. But before I reach him, he pauses, a coffee cup in his hand.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he says in a British accent, and turns slightly. I can see his features, his hair graying at the temples, the scratchy beard growing on his jaw. I recognize him, although I can’t imagine from where. “You’re still so beautiful.” He turns his back to me once again and sips from his cup.

“Who are you?” I ask. My voice sounds low and muffled. It surprises me, but then I look around again. I know this place—it’s a diner in Thistle, Arizona—even though I’ve never been there. It hits me then that this is a dream.

And sitting in front of me is Monroe Swift.

When I look at him, he’s facing me full on. He smiles, warm, loving. But in my head, I know he’s not real. Monroe died. He was my Seer; he helped me through my compulsions to save people—the Need—and led me to the light.

“Why am I here?” I ask, lifting my hands helplessly. “Why am I back?” I know things, but in that dreamlike way. Time lines don’t connect; the way I look doesn’t always match up with who I am. But I do know one thing: I’m a Forgotten. The words, the messages that come from beyond me, change people’s lives. I spread hope, and ultimately, I’ll have to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Again.

“It’s your sister, sweetheart,” Monroe says. “She’s consumed by the Want. You’ll have to extinguish her.”

M
y sister, Lucy. She was like me, a Forgotten. But she couldn’t make the sacrifice, and instead she turned to the Shadows—binding herself to misery. Horror. She’s the bad impulses in the world. She’s death and destruction.

But she’s still my sister.

“What does she want with me?” I ask.

“She wants you to be a Shadow with her, stay with her forever. She wants to put out your light and keep you. She’s selfish and she’s dangerous.”

I shake my head, an ache spreading through my chest. “But it’s not her fault,” I say sadly. “She didn’t know what she was giving up.” The Shadows are often tricked, promised eternity with those they love but never told about the impulses they’ll have to indulge. Lucy just wanted to stay with me and our father. She wasn’t ready to cross over. “I won’t do it,” I say with a shrug. “I can’t.”

Monroe nods as if he understands, and I miss him so much. Monroe was my doctor, my confidant. He was like a father to me once. “Then she’ll kill you and everyone you love,” he says. “The choice has never been easy, Charlotte. Elise.” He smiles. “Claire.”

I open my eyes, and my bedroom is filled with sunlight. I’m shaking, unbearably sad. Grief-stricken, even. I remember my dream, but it doesn’t make sense. Monroe—I don’t know him. But in my dream I did. Oh God. I’m going completely crazy.

I run my palm over my face, trying to make sense of everything. Lucy’s my sister? No, no—what kind of whacked-out dreams am I having? What the hell is going on? I get out of my bed and grab my robe. It’s barely six a.m. and the house is quiet. I quickly shower and then go back to my room, trying not to think. I’m just movements, my eyes wide and scared in my reflection.

As I rub the towel over my hair, I imagine it blond again. I freeze, staring at my face. There’s a memory trying to break through. My bottom lip begins to quiver, and I squeeze my eyes shut, refusing to look at myself any longer.

I have to get out of here. I have to do something, anything. When I open my eyes, I catch sight of my wet suit lying on the floor in front of my closet. It seems so stupid now—a coffee bet to learn to surf. Were things that normal once? Was I ever that normal?

I know what I have to do, how to ground myself in this world before it slips away. I move quickly from my vanity and grab a bathing suit from my top drawer. I get dressed and then pull on my wet suit. I keep my mind blank, ignoring the knot in my stomach. After I’ve dressed, I try to sneak out without running into my parents. My dad’s keys are still on the table, and I pause at the door and look back at my house.

There’s a thought that I might never see it again, but I’m quick to push it away. I open the door and walk out, determined to fit back into my life.

I pass my usual surfing spot and head for the real beach, even though I know my chances of wiping out are tripled there. But I don’t care. If I can surf, really surf, I’ll win the bet. And if I can do that, maybe I can fix everything.

There are only a few lingering surfers when I pull up, and I drag my board across the sand. When I’m at the water, I zip up my wet suit and wait my turn. Ten minutes later, I’m paddling out, hoping I don’t drown.

The water splashes my face, cooling my skin. The harder I work my arms, the less I think. And soon I’m just lapping, muscles tense and chest tight from breathing hard. I make the turn and sit on the board, letting a few small waves pass me by. It’s quiet, so incredibly peaceful. I wish I could stay here forever. In that silence, my mind wanders to my dream, but I splash cold water on my face, trying to drive the images away.

The next wave is also small, but I have to move or my fear will come back to crush me. I glide for a bit before I take in a quick breath, and then I hop up. I get both feet on the board, but immediately I start to pitch forward. I hold out my arms for balance, and I do it. For about three seconds, I’m surfing.

I fall backward, but the minute I smack the water, it seems to envelop me, closing in around me. I struggle just as another wave comes crashing over my head, pushing me farther under. Without thinking, I open my mouth to scream for help. I choke.

I can’t even tell which direction is the surface; I’m flailing my arms, kicking my legs. The panic is overwhelming, and in this panic, I lose control of my thoughts. And the memories come rushing in.

My name is Charlotte, and I grew up in Portland, Oregon. I have the Need—a compulsion to help people. I have visions into their lives, see their problems. And I offer a way to fix them. I give hope. But every time I save someone, I lose a bit of myself. My skin, my body begins to wear away. Monroe Swift guides me, but slowly, everyone I’ve ever known, ever loved, forgets me. It’s a fate worse than death.

I’ve stopped thrashing in the water, my arms going limp as the memories suffocate me. In my mind, I see Harlin. He takes my hand and pulls me onto his Harley. I wrap my arms around him, rest my chin on his shoulder. We are going to get an apartment in the Pearl District, where he can paint and I could go to school. We are going to have a future.

And then that life is blotted out in a burst of golden light
.
I’m in a tunnel, and then I emerge and my name is Elise. My father is a pastor, and during his sermons Lucy and I sit in the front row. Our mother died, but our father went on. And he loved us so much.

There is an old psychic named Marceline. She told me about the Forgotten. They are meant to sacrifice their existence in exchange for spreading hope, but if they don’t—they will be trapped here for eternity. They become Shadows—the embodiments of evil who spread misery. Lucy became one so that she would be remembered. She didn’t want to give up her family. She didn’t want to give up me.

I remember. I remember everything. Charlotte, Elise, Claire—they’re all me. Three lifetimes with one soul. But I’m so tired now. I stop fighting; I still and let the current drive me forward and then back. I’m going to die.

Suddenly there’s a flurry of motion around me, and a pressure around my neck pulls me. When I break the surface of the ocean, I choke up the water I swallowed. The air burns my throat, and I reach to hold on to the arm that’s dragging me back toward the beach. The sky is so bright, I’m blinded. But I still remember. I know who—what—I am.

I’m plopped onto the hardened sand, and when Harlin falls down next to me, I realize he’s the one who saved me. My eyes adjust to the light, and he comes into focus. His hair is plastered to his face, his lips slightly blue as he shivers.

“Claire, holy shit, are you okay?” he’s saying as he helps me to sit up. “Don’t freak out, but I followed you. You marched into the water like some warrior, and just when you got on the board, you—”

I reach to put my palm on Harlin’s cheek. At my touch, he takes in a jagged breath. Our eyes lock, and he puts his hand on his chest as if his heart hurts.

“It’s you,” he says softly. “Oh, baby. It’s you.”

Everything strips away, all the pain of separation, loss, and hurt. I lower my arm and smile, my body aching for him. Harlin’s lips start to pull into that slow, sexy smile, and he shakes his head like I’m something else. “I have so much to say,” he murmurs, “but goddamn, you’re distracting.”

“We found each other,” I whisper, getting up on my knees so I can move closer to him. Harlin raises his gaze as I drape my arms over his shoulders, his fingertips digging into my hips as he draws me tighter against him.

“That’s what we do,” he says, staring at my lips like he can’t wait to kiss me. “We find each other. I love you, Claire. I always love you. I don’t know any other way to feel.”

He leans in, brushing his lips over mine in a kiss too maddeningly light to feel. His hand slides up to rest on the back of my neck as he gets to his knees, pressing against me. His lips are soft, and when his tongue grazes my lower lip, I let out a soft moan. I knot my fingers in his hair and kiss him hard, pushing him back in the sand. Harlin feels like home. He is my one constant, my one true need. And when Harlin curses, saying we have to get somewhere private before he goes crazy, we leave my surfboard floating in the ocean and ride off on his Harley.

Harlin is renting an upstairs apartment not far from the beach. He holds my hand as he leads me inside the small studio. There are drawings taped to the walls. Pictures of me in each life. Pictures of others—I’m assuming Forgotten who crossed over. Harlin is cursed to remember them when no one else ever will. He is a Seer, leading them toward their destiny, never letting them give up. But when the Forgotten are gone, they are erased from all minds but his. He carries their grief alone.

Harlin strips off his wet T-shirt and grabs my arm to pull me over. He kisses me again, passionately, urgently. “This wet suit is infuriating,” he mumbles as he glides his hands over the smooth exterior, no contact with skin.

I laugh and take a step back. Harlin grins and goes to lie on the bed, watching as I unzip the gray wet suit. Soon I’m standing there in a bikini, and when I put my knee on the bed to climb up, Harlin nods his approval.

“You drive me mad,” he says. When I’m close enough, he takes my arm to pull me on top of him, immediately kissing my neck, his hands gliding over my skin. It consumes me—his touch, his warmth.

“I am so incredibly in love with you,” I breathe out. Harlin rolls on top of me, and I dig my nails into his back, urging him on. This is just like last time—the last time we saw each other before I extinguished Onika, the Shadow trying to kill me. I needed to cross over to bring on the light that would send Onika into oblivion. And if I hope to save my sister from the evil consuming her, I’ll have to do it again. I’ll have to sacrifice myself. Back in Arizona, my Seer Marceline told me I wouldn’t have to leave again, but it wasn’t true. The universe betrayed me last time. Maybe now I need to take control of my own destiny.

I close my eyes, listening as Harlin whispers in my ear about how much he’s missed me. How he’d die without me. No one but me knows how tender Harlin really is. No one knows him like I do. I look at him again, my eyes fluttering under his touch. Maybe it’s because we’re always saying good-bye—maybe that’s why we’re always burning up for each other. But it doesn’t really matter why we love each other. It just matters that we do.

Harlin is curled up behind me, his chin on my shoulder, in the quiet of his apartment. I’m not sure how much time has passed, but I hope it hasn’t been that long. Because there will never be enough time.

“Why can’t it always be like this?” I say. “Why can’t we just be together, kissing and growing old?”

“It can,” Harlin says in his low voice. “We’ll get on the bike and leave right now. We won’t tell a soul.” He’s willing to give up the entire world just to be with me, but it’s not that easy. He knows that. I turn to him and smile sadly. “Run away with me, Charlotte.”

There’s a tug at my heart—my name, my old name, like a secret between us. Charlotte is gone, and Harlin is the only person in the world who remembers her. My eyes begin to well up at the loss and the bond it’s created between us. “Will you just hold me for another minute?” I ask weakly, sniffling as I start to cry.

Harlin doesn’t hesitate. He wraps his strong arms around me, pulling me tight against him.

Because although Harlin and I have finally found each other again, we know how this will end, how it always ends. So we cling to our stolen moments, hoping this time will be different.

Chapter 8

“S
o what exactly is the plan here?” Harlin asks when he drops me off at my father’s car. The traffic on the beach has picked up, and I imagine my parents are worried about me. I’ll have to go home and face them, knowing I’m not who they think I am. Knowing I haven’t always been their only daughter. But like I learned last time, the memories feel real—so to me, they’re still Mom and Dad.

“You know I love her, right?” I say to Harlin, my heart aching. “I love Lucy. I don’t know if I can send her away.”

Harlin lowers his eyes and takes my fingers in his. “I know. And to be perfectly honest, if it means losing you, I don’t want you to extinguish her either. There has to be another way. The universe has always underestimated you.”

“Do you have any ideas?” He starts to answer, but I cut him off. “Other than running away together.”

“Then no.” He’s not apologetic. Harlin is never sorry for how much he loves me. “But if Monroe was here,” he says, “I’m sure he’d tell you to think of the greater good. He was an asshole that way.”

I smile. “I had a dream about him last night. He said something eerily similar to that. The way I see it, the advantage we have right now is that Lucy doesn’t know I remember yet. She still thinks I’m just Claire. So maybe I can talk to her. She’s my sister—”

“You know she’s not your sister anymore,” Harlin says gently, even though his words are awful. “And it’s my fault too; I failed as her Seer. But Claire, she’s no longer in control of her impulses. That night at the beach, she almost drowned that girl. Told her to go in the water. Why? Because that’s what Shadows do. They wreak havoc and cause misery and pain. And whatever went down with your high-school boyfriend, you can bet that was due to her too.” Harlin’s jaw hardens when he mentions Ezra. It hadn’t occurred to me until now how difficult it must have been for him to see me with someone else. Even though I love Harlin, my feelings for Ezra were—are—real. I can’t change that.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. He gives me a look like I’m being an idiot.

“It’s not your fault.” He shrugs. “I didn’t even punch him in the face, because it’s not his fault either.”

I smile. “Like you’d ever hit anyone.”

Harlin steps closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Enough about him. All I’m saying,” he goes on, “is that
talking
to Lucy isn’t going to be enough. She’s manipulative. She’s psychotic. Can we make her a deal? What does she want?”

“Me,” I say. “She wants me to be a Shadow—which means I’ll be around forever, Harlin. But I’ll be evil. Obviously that’s not going to happen, but I don’t think she’ll give up either. Bringing me into the Shadows will validate her choice. She’ll have her family—a dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless.”

Harlin watches me for a long moment. “Can you do it?” he asks. “Can you really destroy your sister?”

“I don’t know. But I’m not sure I have another choice.”

Harlin hugs me, resting his cheek on the top of my head. We sway, standing together at my father’s car. “Have you been having Needs?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah. Two of them.”

He looks down. “Already? That’s quick.”

“I’m stronger,” I say. “How about you? Have you helped any Forgotten lately?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. After Arizona, I haven’t seen any Forgotten other than you. Maybe you’re the only one left.”

“Yeah, no pressure,” I say, taking a step back. I zip up the front of my wet suit all the way and reach for the car-door handle. “I need to go home and change. Then I’ll call Lucy, see if I can get her to meet me here tonight.”

Harlin nods, glancing around like he’s scoping the place out. He probably won’t leave. He’ll want to make sure Lucy doesn’t show up early to ambush me. I lean to give him one last kiss and then get in the car. I don’t know how I’m going to lure my sister out, how I’ll fake not knowing who she is. But despite Harlin’s warning, I am going to try to talk to her. It’s the only other way.

The house is empty when I get home, which is surprising. The bakery isn’t open on Sundays. I look for a note, but don’t find anything. Now that I know Lucy is a Shadow, my concern for my family spikes. Shadows can manipulate things or even influence thoughts. All it would take is a whisper in my mother’s ear, and my family could have left town. I know what Shadows are capable of.

I get to my room and change out of the wet suit and bathing suit, opting for shorts and a soft T-shirt. I tie up my hair in a ponytail and then go into River’s room to grab one of his hoodies. When I open his door, my heart stops.

His desk chair is toppled over, papers scattered on the floor. His sheets are a tangled mess, his window wide-open. My worst fears are slowly being realized. My eyes well up as I take in the room. She was here.

A phone vibrates. I look on the dresser and see River’s cell lit up, reverberating on the wood top. Harlin was right—my sister is a psychopath. I was stupid to believe she wouldn’t know, wouldn’t feel the instant I returned. She’s a Shadow. She can read minds.

I cross the room and answer the call. “Where are they?” I ask, my voice thick.

“Don’t worry,” Lucy says immediately. “Mommy and Daddy are at the bakery. They got a huge order. Probably be there until morning, I’m guessing.”

She doesn’t go on, and I sit on the edge of the bed. “And River?” I ask.

“Don’t be mad,” she starts like she’s about to tell me she borrowed one of my shirts. “But River’s with me. I know, he’s your brother—I promise I won’t kill him.”

“He has nothing to do with this.” I’m trying to sound calm, but inside my heart is racing, adrenaline spiking at the thought of Lucy hurting him. I wonder what he’s thinking. What she’s saying to him.

“It’s the only way to assure you’ll do what I want. I’m wicked that way. So now that we have a bargaining chip, what exactly did you have in mind at the beach? I assume Harlin is there waiting, drawing pictures or something equally moody.”

“Why not come here?” I ask, scared to bring her anywhere near Harlin now. She hates him. If she’s willing to kidnap my brother, what would she do to Harlin?

“And not let you say good-bye to your one truelove? I think not, Elise.” She stops. “Or do you prefer Claire now?”

“I am Claire,” I say. “And please don’t hurt my brother, Lucy. Please don’t do that to me.”

She’s quiet long enough for me to think she actually cares. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes,” she says quietly, like I’ve injured her. “Pack a bag—we’ll leave from the beach.” And then the line goes dead.

Outside there is a crackle of thunder, and I jump. Shadows can control a lot of things, and I’m not surprised when the sky darkens and it starts to rain. Even though I’m stronger now, the light pulsing inside me at a frantic pace, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle Lucy. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind. I don’t want her to read my thoughts, even if I don’t have an actual plan yet. My sister wants me to give up the light, join the Shadows, where we’ll live forever. Even if I didn’t have Harlin—I wouldn’t make that choice. She can’t trick me.

But she has my brother.

My hands are shaking as I speed through the dark streets. My windshield wipers squeak against the glass as the rain lets up into a drizzle. The image of my brother hurt and bleeding is blotting out my rational thoughts. She’ll kill him if I don’t go with her. Shadows have no guilt, no remorse. I’m sure Lucy has killed before. It’s part of who she is now. The choice between the light and the Shadows has never been this difficult. I was the one at risk before—only my life in the balance. Now Lucy wants me to choose eternal damnation on earth so that my brother can live. But what she’s really done is make it so that I have no choice at all. I have to destroy her.

A tear runs down my cheek, and I rub it away as I pull into the parking lot. I have to be tougher. I have to do the right thing. I choke out a laugh, slamming the car gear into park.
The right thing.
I’ve sacrificed myself every time. I’ve given up everything. How much more can the universe take from me? How much longer can I last?

I leave the keys in the ignition and race down the sand. Even though it’s still midday, the storm has driven away all the surfers. The sound of the waves echoes as taps of rain dot my skin. I hadn’t looked for Harlin’s bike in the parking lot, and now I’m wondering if he went home. Will I be gone before he gets back?

Maybe I won’t get to say good-bye. Maybe that’s better for him.

I hear the crackling of fire, and my heart sinks. Lucy would have no need for fire—she’s not even alive. Harlin must have stayed. I pause and press my fist to my mouth, covering up the scream that’s waiting to escape.

Claire Becks’s life will end tonight. Oh God. The thought is so painful, so devastating. I’ll lose my mom and dad and brothers. My friends. My future. I won’t see Harlin again, not unless the universe sends me back. But if I extinguish Lucy, there wouldn’t be a reason to send me back. This is the end. But it’s too soon. I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears rolling down. I’m not sure I’ve gathered enough courage to face my sister, when I notice the faint glow.

At first I think it’s the fire, but then I open my eyes, and I realize it’s me. My skin is glowing softly—the light underneath bright enough to show through. Warmth. Warmth like a hug from a grandmother. Love like only a parent can give.

The Need—the Need is comforting me. I wrap my arms around myself, letting the light fill me with its energy, its love and bravery. My purpose has never been a selfish one. I’m not here for me. It’s never been about me. As Monroe Swift would have said,
Do the right thing, sweetheart. Do it for the greater good.

I wait a beat, and the glow fades. The light is inside me, ready to burst through and extinguish the Shadows. Now I just have to figure out how to save River before I do.