A Slave to the Fantasy (5 page)

…

Her brother's hand was around her throat then
immediately his other hand pressing firmly with surgical precision
on her air source.

Tanya couldn't breathe and she could yell for
help.

“Let me out!” she heaved deeply in a deep shrill of a
whisper. “Please! Darren!”

She could feel her arms give way as the tingling
turned to loss of control. Then her legs. She began to see large
black disks her.

She was sure he wasn't going to stop. The
confrontation started because of her father and his lack of one. He
had never touched her in any way. Not once.

Out of the corner of her eye in a state of
diminishing vision, she thought she saw a short young girl with a
gun pointed right at them. How could this be? Who was in her
family's house.

Why? The terror was draining the lifeforce out of her
at warp speed.

“Bang! Bang!”

Two shots rang out.

When she woke, her throat throbbed. It felt like if
she would take too much of a breath, it would burst. Darren was
gone. She was alive for what it was worth. Her father. She needed
Blake to make sense of it all.

But he was gone too.

Her deepening sense that she was an orphan of evil
was fully reinforced.

She despised her life and herself because she felt no
gratitude to still be breathing. No one could ever know of this. No
one.

She pulled out her phone and tapped out the following
message:

“I can't be your fantasy any longer. You are dead to
me. I am leaving town. I'll get you free. But you must never return
and never speak of me or to me again.”

She was determined to sabotage all love in her life.
She couldn't find any real power. She had no source of real pride
on her own. She was going to go it alone.

The recipient of the message: Samuel Roberts.

Chapter 6--Porn

Her entire body shook as she entered the make-believe
school room in an abandoned building near the docks area. Tanya was
head to toe school girl. The cameras would roll while she fulfilled
the illicit and twisted desires of her Judge lover and the father
of her unborn child.

The only thing that kept her from crying was she was
sure no one could care. The prospect of being alone in her sorrow
and emptiness was something she couldn't confront. Professor Blake
promised her she'd never be empty, nor alone. He lied.

This was a degrading as it could get. For the first
time she concluded that evil was evil when it belittled and
dehumanized. That's exactly what she felt filming a make-believe
pornographic fantasy with Judge Bryan Yaso and Bendato
Martinez.

She knew at this moment. The first moment ever.
Samuel Roberts was good and that meant something real.

In her hand as a blindfolded Judge Yaso began to kiss
her on the neck, a charm. Two metallic baby booties given to her on
her first birthday.

Given to her by her other father.

…

January 1993.

My buddy brought over porn today to our guys’ party.
It's the first time I saw actual sex. I never knew exactly what
happened. I felt excitement all these times when I saw a pretty
girl. I had the really hard penis I tried to hide from others in
school. I didn't know what to do with it. I knew I wanted it to be
near a girl and her touching it.

This girl on the film is amazing. She is so sexy. I
wanted to be the guys in the video so bad.

In one scene she slides off her clothes and rubs her
sexy body (so tight) trying to excite the man and she looks like
Cindy Crawford. I couldn't believe it. It was the most beautiful
thing I have seen.

I couldn't wait to get alone after watching it so I
could play with my cock. My buddy took the porno home afterward. I
know where to rent it. This actress had me mesmerized. What a sexy
beauty. I wish women were like her. I can't sleep. I want to see
that video.

I don't know what to say to my friends. My one buddy
who brought the tape, he knows a lot more than me. He has more
experience. I don't know who to talk to.

…

June 18, 1993

A couple younger girls from school came by today to a
neighbor's house. Both freshmen girls. Cheerleaders. So hot. I
masturbated to them and it felt like I peed my pants. It felt
amazing. It was sticky and it hardened up rather than ran out my
bathing trunks. I saw them go down to the water. The one girl
looked absolutely amazing in a pink bikini. Her body was...I wanted
to lick her all over and play with her gorgeous firm breasts.

I ran into the bedroom and grabbed my binoculars. My
dick was already so hard. God they looked amazing together. Two
brunettes. I couldn't believe how excited I was. I watched them
wade in the shallows of the water and started to tap my dick into
the side of the bed. I went faster and faster until I exploded hot
liquid in my pants.

I was exhausted and confused afterwards. No one to
talk to. I can't believe I just turned 18 and know nothing. I want
a hot girlfriend but I am afraid to be found out that I have no
experience.

July 4, 1993

We had another big 4th of July celebration in our
town. So fucking boring. Every year the same thing. I'll tell you
this place bores me in a lot of ways.

One of the really hot sophomore girls, a blonde, was
nearby when I was out and about. Fuck she has the tightest little
body. So innocent and sexy. She makes me so hard. I'd go to
basketball games and she'd be in the light cheer outfits she'd wear
indoors and be fantasizing about seeing her naked.

I couldn't look at her when her eyes came my way when
she looked into the crowd. Even though I knew she couldn't see me.
I can't look her in the eyes. I don't know if I have had a
conversation with a hot girl one on one in my life. I am so
horny.

I followed Kristy around for like 15 minutes over a
couple city blocks. She was drunk. She didn't know it. I thought
maybe there would be an opportunity to talk to her? I don't know
really what I was doing. I was just wanting something to
happen.

I don't know how to start with her or any other hot
girl I'd like to fuck.

I am left to act like I don't care. Who can I talk
to? Maybe what I need is just a different place with college
starting this fall. Different scenery and new faces. I can act like
I know when I get there.

I am just not myself around hot women I'd like to
have sex with. I don't know if I should be? I don't know. I don't
know know who to talk to. Either everyone around me has all this
knowledge and experience or they are posing. But that means they'll
keep up the act.

July 11, 1993

My dad lives like a block from this video store here
in the city. Crappy little house he redid himself with a few of his
buddies. It's a dump, but now he owns instead of rents. I don't
know what the big deal is about owning v. renting. He is still
renting from the property tax people right? People are still
renting from the bank right?

Hell, just try to not pay either of them and see how
far or long it goes before you don't own anymore. Stupid fucks.
Everyone here is a bunch of zombies. They all only see the world
one way.

I heard my know-it-all aunt say behind my back that I
need to “find a girlfriend”. I am 18 but apparently people are
starting to notice that I am never with a girl.

They all say I am so good looking and “don't worry”,
I'll “find” someone. Some variation on the same old bs.

Being at my dad’s, I wanted to see that porno I saw a
few weeks ago with my buddies. I am really really horny. I haven't
pleasured myself once since I saw those two young beauties along
the water near my house.

I am feeling really fucking damn confused! I loved
how that felt when it happened but right after I felt worn down,
like I had no energy. I felt even more lonely and isolated. When I
saw one of the girls out washing her dad's car a few days later, I
was more nervous than ever. In my head, thinking about what I was
going to say. Like I had to impress her to get her notice me.

So ridiculous because I was never interested in her
until I whacked off to her and her friend in their bikinis. Now she
is like this unattainable sexy little thing that I want to
fuck.

I can barely look at her when she goes by my house
down the road in a car. It's like this reflexive shame that I can't
control. I know this isn't right that I feel this way. This is
where it's all so messed up.

Not a chance I am the only guy that gets excited
seeing this girl or one of her hot fresh friends. These other guys
don't seem to have any problem talking to her and getting her
interested. (WTF) I feel like such a supreme pussy.

My dad went to bed and I went for a walk up the block
to the video store and rented that porno. God this girl is hot. I
obsessed over her for hours planning this walk until I went and did
it. I put the tape in and turned the sound down. My dad's room is
only a few feet away. He could come out at any moment. I don't know
what he'd do.

Probably laugh. He has Playboy and Penthouse sprawled
out on the back of his toilet every time I come over. After I blew
goo all over my swim trunks a few weeks ago I think I know why and
for what. So why not bring it up?!?!

I just don't know how to talk about any of this! I
think that's the answer. Or is it a girlfriend? Regular sex with a
real woman might help? I have to believe that's a big reason men
seek out women for a relationship with coupling up. The regular
easier access to sex.

…

September 20, 1993.

Got back from Mike's dorm room across town and there
is a “Video Planet” video place on the way home to my dorm. Man was
I wasted. Made it easier to go into the porn room. Got my
membership. Steve goes home every weekend and I have the room to
myself.

I passed out. I was beyond drunk. Couldn't even keep
a hard on. Same girl as the one from my first porno. She's got more
movies! She looks sort of like Gloria Estefan or Cindy Crawford.
Perfect boobs. This little birthmark by her pussy. MMMMM. Damn
it.

I want to fuck so bad but the movies took the edge
off. Only for an hour or two like always.

It's the same cycle I am finding. Release and I'll
tell myself after that I am good and don't need this porn anymore.
Then I get the urge that night or the next morning.

(Ever since the beach and beating off to those girls
in my neighborhood, I wake up with a boner like every morning.)
Mornings I am really wanting to get myself off.

This morning I used the movies. Then I told myself I
am done with these fantasies. What a joke. I know that's not true.
It's basically the same thing every morning.

I consider myself so disciplined and all that. I am
having a big semester already. Perfect scores on everything I turn
in and the quizzes. But this sex stuff has a hold on me.

There's girls I am interested in. Not many but I see
them in the dorm. One is slim with beautiful tan legs and a bitchy
demeanor. She acts like she is better than every guy. I want to get
down her pants so bad. She parades around in these boxer shorts
type deal. In the lounge where the tv is even. Wears these flip
flops. Puts her feet up everywhere when she is sitting in a chair
or on the couch. Fuck. So sexy. Those feet of hers.

I don't know what to say to her. I feel like she has
all the power over me. She knows I want her and she knows she can
have any man. I don't think she needs a man. (That's the huge
advantage women have is it sure often seems like we have nothing
they need)

Yet you'll see them addicted to certain men; loyal,
willing to do anything for them. Ass Holes, jerks.

Maybe act like a jerk? But I don't know what to do
next when I think a girl might like me. I have been wrong so many
times.

Stephanie can have any man. I feel like it's all luck
and I hate it.

I jerked off thinking about her with those tanned
perfect legs wrapped around my face today watching porn. Like my
fantasies are always finishing with a girl I know being the the
object of my desires. Powerful powerful stuff inside me

College just hasn't changed anything as far as me
feeling more comfortable with women who are hot. I haven't been
able to open up to other guys. It's way worse than high school
because these guys seem like they are hooking up all the time the
way they talk. If any guy lacks experience he definitely isn't
going to cop to it.

…

Late October 1993-- took out the high school yearbook
when I was masturbating to porn and picked out some pictures of the
hot girls in there with their cheerleading outfits, or track, or
swimming. There was evens some spring break ones in there too.
Right when I am about to blow (I am using a newspaper to load on) I
start saying the girl's name.

It's like these fantasies are coming to a place where
all the frustration and failure comes alive tied in with the
pleasure of feeling that excitement of release of coming all
over.