Always and Forever (52 page)

My fists are dripping with blood and throbbing. All my skin
is grazed and ripped open, it’s not a pretty sight and I need to get home and
put some ice on it. I also need to burn these fucking clothes. I didn’t tell
Bethany but I’m pretty sure I broke plenty of that guy’s bones tonight. His
nose definite cracked as well as several of his ribs. The certainty of this
validates the pain and discomfort of my torn open fists. I hate the fact she
had to witness what I did; I never wanted her to see that side of me, the part
of myself I’ve tried to keep hidden. I really thought the darkness had left me
but I was shocked to see how quickly it resurfaced tonight. It goes to show I can’t
be held responsible for my actions when it comes to her.

I come to a stop when I reach my driveway, reluctant to go
inside. I eventually let myself in the front door and plan on heading straight
upstairs to bed before I see anyone. The noise from the TV in the living room
is a clear sign mum hasn’t gone to bed yet. The door leading through to the
sitting room is unexpectedly thrown open and the sight of mother’s angry face
lets me know that I’m not going to be able to sneak upstairs without her knowledge.

“Where the hell have you been?” She yells accusingly.

“Not now, Mum. I’ve had a fucking awful night and all I
want to do now is go straight to bed.”

 I try to move past her but she grabs a hold of my
arm, preventing me from moving any further.

“Not so fast. Look at the state of you, Jake. What the hell
have you been doing?”

“Like you give a shit.” I retort contemptuously.

I’m rewarded by a razor-sharp slap right across the face.
It’s the first time she’s hit me and I glower at her disdainfully. We’re both
startled by a timid intake of breath and I look up to see a frightened Carla
standing in the doorway to the living room. I didn’t know she was still up and
I’m furious with myself for not checking first.

“I was worried about you.” She mutters miserably, her eyes
cast down to the floor.

“I’m fine, everything’s ok.” I assure her.

 “Jake, I want to know where you’ve been. I arrived
home to find Sarah in hysterics, she was distraught and I want to know what you
did to her.” My mum demands, taking a step closer towards me.

“I did nothing to her. She’s the one causing all the
damage.”

“You need to show her some respect, Jake. She was pregnant
with your baby or have you already forgotten now you’ve got your new tramp to
occupy yourself with?”

I clench my injured fists in fury. I would never lay a
finger on my own mum but her words are equivalent to pouring salt on a very
painful, unhealed wound.

“Respect? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. She
didn’t show me or my baby any respect when I caught her fucking someone else
right after her miscarriage. I don’t ever want to see her in this house again,
my future wife won’t like it and neither will I. Sarah means absolutely nothing
to me, do you understand?” I yell, clenching my teeth.

I can’t have this conversation for another second longer. I
don’t even give my mum a chance to respond, marching past her and straight to
my room. I slam my bedroom door and tear the clothes from my body, throwing on
a pair of jogging bottoms and a T-shirt. I meant what I said to Bethany
earlier, I want no reminder of tonight and will burn those tainted garments as
soon as possible.

A timid knock on the door startles me and I fling it open,
angry with the person behind it and disturbing me. Of course its Carla, I should
have known she’s the only member of this family polite enough to knock.

“I just wanted to make sure that you’re ok.” She says
meekly.

“I’m ok, Sis. How about you?”

She glances down at the floor, tucking her hair back behind
her ears.

“I’m ok but I was really worried about you when you left,
where did you go?”

“I had to make sure that Bethany was ok.” I reply vaguely.

“I’m so sorry about tonight, Jake. I shouldn’t have called
you when you were with her. I know how much trouble I must have caused between
you and I’m so sorry. I had
no idea Sarah was even here tonight.” She
mumbles apologetically.

“Carla, none of this is your fault. I’m always telling you
to call me if you need me and that’s exactly what you did. As for Sarah, I’ll
deal with her tomorrow.” I say decidedly.

“Don’t do anything foolish, Jake.” She warns me, worry
etched all over her face.

“I just need to speak to her and make a few things clear,
that’s all. Anyway, where were you, Carla? I looked everywhere for you but you
were nowhere to be found.”

“I’d locked myself in my bedroom, waiting for you to come
home. By the time I realised everyone had gone you had already left.”

“What about Katie and Leanne? Where are they?” I ask,
instantly concerned about my sister’s whereabouts.

“I don’t know. They left as soon as the party ended.”

 I sigh in frustration, reaching for my phone to call
them. If they don’t answer then I have no choice but to go out and look for
them. I’ll start by visiting every single one of their friend’s houses; surely
I’ll find them with one of them. I phone Katie first but there’s no answer, I
leave her a message to call me back and then try Leanne. She picks up on the
sixth ring and I quickly realise I’ve woke her up by the sound of her voice
which is all groggy and bewildered. She assures me she’s alright and that
Katie’s with her at their friend’s house. Feeling utterly worn out and
exhausted, I choose to believe her, hang up and close my eyes, trying to banish
all of the tension I can feel building up again.

“I’ve
never
seen you like this before, Jake.”
Carla whispers.

“What do you mean?” I ask, opening my eyes to narrow them
at her.

“You really care for her, don’t you?”

“I more than care for her, I love her.”

“I suppose it had to happen at
some point.” She jokes.

The next morning, I make my way over to Sarah’s. It’s the
last place on earth I want to go but I really don’t have a choice. There are
things I need to know and more than a few things I have to say to her. My goal
is to make her see that I belong to someone else. She also needs to understand
how I never belonged to her in the first place.

I notice her eyes are all red and swollen as soon as she
answers the door. Her face lights up when she sees me, her blue eyes sparkle
with hope, hope I immediately have to destroy.

“We need to talk.” I say tersely.

“Come in.” She smiles at me optimistically, moving to the
side so I can go in.

I make my way into the house, dreading the conversation we’re
about to have. She leads me into the sitting room and I’m surprised to find it
empty. I expected to see her dad on the sofa, he rarely moves from the area in
front of the TV. He’s a lazy, good for nothing waste of space that spends
twenty hours of his day drunk. I’ve always disliked him and that’s why I’m glad
to see he’s not here.

“They’re both out.” She says quietly.

 I nod, glancing at the sofa, wondering if I should
take a seat or not.

“There are some things that I want to say to you and in
return, I want some answers.” I say curtly.

“Why don’t you sit down? Would you like a drink?” She
offers me, a friendly, hopeful smile on her face.

I narrow my eyes at her; I still don’t get how the girl
standing in front of me right now be the same girl who wreaked havoc on my
relationship last night. Sarah’s mood swings have always been pretty crazy; she
can be your worst nightmare one minute and your best friend the next. Her
personality changes and her complex emotional turnarounds were always too much
for me to handle.

“I’m ok.”

 I decide to sit down, hoping she’ll stay this calm
and level headed after she hears what I have to say. She hesitantly joins me on
the sofa, leaving plenty of distance between us. She’s obviously wondering why
I’m not acting like I’m furious with her. I’m just about to explain things when
she beats me to it.

“I’m sorry about last night. What I did was wrong and I
know I completely overreacted.” She mumbles, wringing her hands together
nervously.

“Overreacted?! You attack my girlfriend, you purposefully
went for her and you’re saying you overreacted? You set out to ruin my
relationship with her and you also told her all about the miscarriage! Do you
hate me that much? Do you want to see me hurt? Is that what all of this is
about?”

“No! Jake, that’s the last thing I want. I love you.”

 I can’t help notice the lone tear falling down her
cheek. I’m not a complete arsehole and part of me is grappling with the idea of
trying to console her.

“Sarah, you don’t love me, you just think you do.” I say
wearily.

“How do you know what I feel?” She snaps, furiously wiping
away her tears.

 For the first time I identify a real vulnerability to
her, something I’ve never seen in her before.

“If you really loved me you wouldn’t have done what you did
last night.”

“I already told you how sorry I am for that. I know I’ve
been acting crazy lately, I’ve been a nightmare but that’s only because I’ve
been so lonely without you. I want us to be together, Jake. I want us to go
back to how we were before I lost the baby. I want us to try again.”

 I inhale sharply. God, it still hurts, it really
fucking hurts to hear her talk about it. It brings it all back and I remember
things I’d do anything to forget.

“Look, I didn’t come here to talk about us. There is no you
and me, Sarah. I came here to talk about Bethany.”

Her piercing eyes glower at me, reminding me of the girl I
used to know. The dark side she keeps hidden is never far from rearing its ugly
head.

“What about her?” She seethes.

“She’s who I’m with now, I love her, Sarah. You deserve to
know the truth and that’s why I’m here. If you still think there’s a chance you
and I will ever get back together, you’re wrong. I’m not yours, I never was. My
heart, mind, body and soul belong to her and I think its time you heard that
from me.”

I prepare myself for the onslaught of Sarah’s rage but she
remains silent. I feel a sharp stab of guilt as my confession results in even
more tears. She normally wears plenty of make-up but today her face is bare,
revealing the softness underneath her hard exterior. I can’t bear to see a girl
cry and every single instinct in my body wants to offer her some comfort.
However, I know I’ll only be leading her on if I show her even a scrap of
affection.

“You can’t love her; you’ve only known her for a few weeks.
Unless…”

“What?”

“How long have you really known her? Were you seeing her
behind my back?” She whispers incredulously.

“That’s not true; I didn’t cheat on you with anyone. I
never have.” I reply calmly.

“Wow, I’ve been so stupid! I bet you’ve been screwing her
the whole time and I’ve been too thick to realise. I thought you were grieving
for our baby when you’ve been fucking her all this time!” She screams at me,
tugging on her long blonde hair in torment.

“I wasn’t the one who fucked around! That was you, Sarah! I
caught you screwing someone else just three weeks after you lost our baby! How
could you do that to me? How could you do it to yourself? That baby was the
one
good thing in my life, the one thing I’d done right!”

 I stand up from where I’m sitting, wanting to put
some distance between us. Her insinuation really got to me, how could she say
such a thing? The insinuation that my misery over the last few months has all
been an act is unforgivable. Her cruelty is one of the reasons I can’t handle
being around her anymore, she’s just a raw and extremely painful reminder of
the jerk I used to be, the mistakes we both made and the devastating
consequences of our so called relationship.

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said any of that.” She
mutters, coming up behind me and grabbing hold of my arm, forcing me to turn
around and look at her.

“God, this still fucking hurts.” I murmur, closing my eyes
against the torturous pain and grief that’s threatening to break through the
emotional armour I permanently shield myself with.