Always Beautiful (20 page)

I planted myself on the large sectional in the living room and chatted with my mom for half an hour. She said things were going good at home and that she couldn’t believe the summer had flown by. She asked how Hannah and Dixon were and I told her that everything was going great for the most part. She brought up Zeppelin and I tried to just kind of evade her questions.

I didn’t want to really explain the kind of relationship we had because I didn’t quite fully understand it myself. Hannah witnessed most of it and knew what was going on, probably more than I did, so it was easy with her. With my mom though, I just didn’t know quite what to say.

The house was really quiet after we hung up and I figured that the guys were still in town and Hannah and Josh had possibly gone to nap themselves. I didn’t see them out in the hot tub. My mind was too full and I thought maybe going out to the beach would be a good idea to help clear it. It was later than I thought when I glanced at the clock. I couldn’t believe that Zeppelin was still sleeping. Maybe he was coming down with something.

I wandered out of the sliding glass door, holding a blanket in my arms that I grabbed from the back of the couch. I made my way down the stone path to the beach. Laying out the blanket, I crawled to the middle of it and brought my knees to my chest. With my arms wrapped around my legs, I peered out toward the late afternoon sky and took a deep breath.

My mind was filled with thoughts of the ending summer and starting school next week as well as Zeppelin. I wished that he would just tell me whatever it was that he was hiding so that I could understand him. It was getting more difficult by the minute to deny my feelings for him and yet I was trying very hard to keep a wall up. I didn’t want to be hurt, especially by him. I was frustrated and more than that, I was trying to understand how easily I could fall into him every single time.

I was upset with myself for letting myself get this attached this quickly even though I should have known better. I usually did know better but Zeppelin changed that. He changed a lot about the way I thought and who I was now. How he could do that in just a matter of months was overwhelming.

I was completely lost in my head when the slight movement of the blanket startled me. I turned my head to see Zeppelin standing next to me. He was wearing only a pair of shorts and his hair was damp as if he showered.

“I woke up and you were gone. What are you doing out here Lucky?” He asked as he sat beside me on the blanket. I lifted my shoulder, shrugging. “I was just thinking about things.” I said softly. “I wish summer didn’t have to end.” Zeppelin nodded.

“Everything comes to an end eventually.” He said wistfully. Furrowing my brow I turned to look at him. I noticed his jaw muscles working as he stared out at the water. “Are you okay?” I asked quietly for what felt like the hundredth time today.

He took a deep breath and nodded. Slowly, his head turned toward me and the expression on his face was solemn. His blue eyes locked with mine intensely. Without a word he grasped my chin and brought my lips to his. The kiss was deliberate as his mouth moved against mine. The passion made my heart pause. It wasn’t because this kiss was hot though. No this kiss felt different than any other time. It was as if he was creating a memory, savoring the feel of us connected.

Before it could go any further, Zeppelin pulled away from me and rested his forehead against mine. The sun was beginning to set now and sink below the mountains on the other side of the water. Zeppelin sighed, his eyes still closed as he trailed his thumb along my lower lip.

“You’re everything to me Angel.” He breathed as he slowly opened his eyes. His brow furrowed slightly and he swallowed before speaking again. “I have to leave tomorrow.” My heart plummeted to my stomach and I pulled away from him. “What?” I croaked. I felt tears pooling in my eyes. He hadn’t mentioned anything all day and suddenly he had to leave.

“Why?” I asked. Zeppelin stared at me, his eyes trying to say something that his voice couldn’t. Shaking his head, he finally responded no higher than a whisper. “I can’t say, I just…I need to go to Seattle again for a while.” “Seattle?” I questioned with an arched brow. Zeppelin chewed on his bottom lip and nodded. He was being so vague in his response and my frustrations from earlier began to grow.

“What aren’t you telling me?” I demanded. “It’s nothing Lucky. Calm down, please.” Zeppelin replied. He set his hand on my shoulder and I immediately shrugged away from him. “Don’t.” I said. “You’re keeping something from me, I can tell.” His face fell and I saw what appeared to be pain flash in his eyes before he covered with an indifferent expression.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked as he crossed his arms tightly across his bare chest. “Tell me why you are going to Seattle.” I replied. Zeppelin shook his head again. “No.” He stated firmly.

I stood up from the blanket, my blood began to boil at how incredibly rude he was being. “Why won’t you tell me?” I pinned him with a glare. How could he go from being so sweet and treating me so special to being so cold?

“I told you that I can’t say.” He replied. I rolled my eyes. I was hurt, I was angry, and I was beginning to second guess myself even more for falling for Zeppelin. How stupid I was to be head over heels for a man who couldn’t be honest with me.

This was exactly why I stuck to my schedule and routine. This is why I focused on my future and the greater good. I began to feel more upset with myself than with him. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for where I was now. Ultimately it was my decision to pursue Zeppelin. It was my choice to allow him to have me and I could now choose to walk away. Couldn’t I?

I placed my fingers at the bridge of my nose, pinching lightly. I didn’t want to cry, I refused to show any more emotion. I turned away from Zeppelin as my damn tears rolled down my cheeks. I rapidly tried to swipe them away. I felt Zeppelin move behind me and I could hear his ragged breathing, so close to my ear. He slowly trailed a finger along my shoulder blade.

“I’m sorry Angel.” He said softly, his voice thick with emotion. The tears flowed heavier and a small sob broke from my chest. “Jesus Lucky. No!” Zeppelin grabbed my upper arm, whirling me around to face him. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry baby.” He pulled me into him with my head cradled to his chest. One hand held me in place there and the other rubbed my lower back. Crying harder now, I clung to Zeppelin, my hands fisted against his ribs on either side of his body.

He kissed the top of my head. “Shh…Angel it’s okay. Don’t cry please. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry.” He murmured over and over again. Being enveloped in his warm, strong, tattooed arms wasn’t helping and his unique scent overwhelmed my senses. I tried to take deep breaths but I felt my heart breaking with each pull of air to my lungs. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and pushed back to break away from Zeppelin. He didn’t let me go.

“Let me go Zeppelin.” I rasped. He held me tighter for a few moments and then exhaled as he set me back from him. When my eyes met his, my stomach rolled. The look on Zeppelin’s face was heartbreaking. Those deep blue eyes were laced with unshed tears. His beautiful lips were turned down in a dejected frown. I was stunned. I was hurt for him keeping me in the dark but it was crushing me to see him looking so equally miserable.

“Zeppelin…” I started, but he cut me off. “I’ve been selfish Lucky. I wanted you when I had no right. You don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve
you
. I’m so sorry.” “I don’t understand.” I told him. “What are you keeping from me?” I watched as Zeppelin began to wage a war within him-self. His eyes darted around, taking in everything but me standing in front of him.

The sun was nearly gone now. With a shaky sigh he stepped closer to me and reached his hand out. Hoping he might open up this time, I allowed him to touch me. Cupping his hands on either side of my face he brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.

“I don’t ever want to be the reason for your tears.” He said. “Lucky I can’t hurt you more than I have already. You have to understand that what I’m about to tell you may be tough right now, but it will be far better later on.” I began shaking my head. “What are you saying?” I pleaded in a broken whisper.

Zeppelin shook his head slightly and furrowed his brow. Closing his eyes tightly, he lowered his head until our lips met. I allowed him to kiss me. It was short but felt like so much more. Pulling back from me he looked into my eyes.

“You have my heart Angel. You own every shitty part of me. I don’t want you, I fucking
need
you. You save me, you breathe life into me.” His breath hitched and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He removed his hands from my face and clutched my waist, pulling my hips to his.

“My body aches for your touch. It screams for you Lucky. You’re like a damn drug and I’m so addicted, so far gone that I forget. For just a while I can forget.” “Forget what Zeppelin?” I asked. I was still utterly confused. My heart was beating fast as he declared how he felt about me. I had this feeling though that I wouldn’t like where this was heading.

He took a deep breath, pinning me with those intense eyes. He licked his lips and began to speak again. “I’m in love with you Angel, so fucking in love with you.” His voice was hoarse and blood pounded in my ears at his admission. He loved me. Zeppelin loved me and for a moment I was sure I couldn’t have been happier. I felt so complete, I felt…Invincible, for a tiny brief moment. And then my world came crashing down around me.

“But I’ll have to let you go.” Zeppelin breathed.

My blood immediately ran cold. Everything became numb. I was in shock. How could he confess his love to me one minute and then break me the next. What did he expect me to do or say and where was this coming from?

“Why can’t you just tell me what it is you are keeping from me? Am I a game to you Zeppelin?” I asked as I felt more tears burning my eyes. “No, Lucky this isn’t a game to me. I just told you that I love you, how could you think I’m playing you?” He asked. “Because you said you have to let me go. Why Zeppelin?” He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. I saw a few more tears roll down his cheeks and then he covered his face with his hands.

“If you’ve got something to say to me, just say it.” I said with gritted teeth. Zeppelin lifted his head and removed his hands from his face. Narrowing his eyes, he spoke calmly. “The only thing I’ve got to tell you is the one thing I can’t.” I began shaking my head and turned to leave. I wasn’t in the mood to play games with him. I was two seconds away from either continuing with crying or punching something and I refused to act upon that here. I had managed a half of a step before he grabbed my upper arm and whirled me around to face him.

The look of shock on my face didn’t deter him and he squeezed my arm tighter. I wasn’t shocked that he had put his hands on me. It was the look on his face, the look of a man ready to come undone at any moment. With tears in his eyes and a trembling lower lip, he just stared at me. I wasn’t expecting that sort of reaction from him; angry, annoyed, unperturbed maybe, but not…heartbroken. Not this miserable look that seemed to be a permanent fixture on his face since he came out here.

“Why can’t you tell me what it is that has you keeping your distance? Why is it that one minute you want to spend all of your waking moments with me and the next you have to rush off? What are you hiding from me and why in the hell are you stringing me along? If you don’t want me then fine! I’ll get over you eventually like you said. I’ll get over this.” I used my free arm to motion between our bodies. “But I deserve whatever the truth is Zeppelin. If you truly love me than you would at least give me that.”

Zeppelin winced as if he was in pain and his face crumpled further. He closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath. He released his hold on my arm and scrubbed his face with his hand. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t leave this time. He would have to talk eventually. He just had to finally let me in.

“You’re right, Lucky.” He said in a breathless whisper. His misty blue eyes met mine. “You don’t deserve to be lied to and you sure as hell shouldn’t have to sit back and be strung along by me or by anyone else. What I have to tell you is going to kill me. The pain it causes me isn’t what has stopped me from telling you though. It’s what this news is going to do to you. That’s why I’ve been keeping it from you. Do you understand that Angel? I’m trying to protect you.”

Zeppelin wrapped his hand around my wrist and gently pulled me to the blanket where we both sat down. He angled his body toward me, continuing to hold my hand in his as he brushed his thumb across my skin. Lowering his head, he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I waited patiently, hoping that this time he would finally open up to me. When he lifted his head again, more tears spilled down his cheeks.

“You should know that I never intended for things to turn out this way. If I had any idea that things would happen the way they are now, I would have never pursued you like I did. You calm me and when I met you I just had to know more about you. I wanted to be with you because you were different. You amaze me and captivate me.”

Normally, I might be gushing at the words he spoke, singing my praises. I couldn’t do that now, knowing that there was an underlying reason for why he was explaining this. I remained quiet, waiting for Zeppelin to speak again.

“I felt fine. I was doing really great and being with you felt so much better than anything I’ve ever experienced. At the end of June, I began to feel strange, like something was just…off. It started with feeling completely exhausted even though I had plenty of sleep. I began to notice that no matter how much caffeine I drank or how many hours I slept, I was still tired. I thought maybe I was just coming down with a cold or the flu or something.”

I remembered when he had fallen asleep with me in bed a few weeks ago and how tired he had seemed. I also thought about how he had dozed off on the Fourth of July and when I would call him in the afternoon, he would answer the phone sounding groggy as if he’d been sleeping.