Bitter Bonds (9 page)

*****

The song filled the studio. Every note sounded perfect. In his mind, Jake could hear it with guitar, drums and bass. He could hear himself singing it. When he opened his eyes, he saw only Finn at the grand piano, his slender fingers moving over the keys with grace and elegance. His white hair flopped over his forehead obscuring part of his face.

Softly, Finn sang, his voice an aching whisper that conveyed his emotions to his Dominant despite his lack of trained ability. The words sunk hot talons into Jake’s soul. The sound of Finn’s pain ripped at Jake’s heart. Everything Finn had bottled up inside him, everything Jake suspected he felt came out in the song.

They say when a door closes a window opens But my heart’s no window frame When you leave it will be still and cold It’ll never open, never be the same And there’s nothing I can say or do Because my only chance for love left with you

Chest aching, throat tight with emotion, Jake approached the piano. Finn didn’t notice him. He appeared to be wrapped up in the song, pouring every bit of himself into it. When he finished, Jake sat down on the piano bench beside him. Finn stiffened, but did not look at his Dominant. He kept his head bowed, his gaze on his hands which still rested on the piano keys.

“It’s beautiful,” Jake said softly. A faint sniffle reached his ears. “I wrote it for you. When you left me at Darkness, Ray said you needed some time to think. I knew then that I was holding you back the same as your father did. He needed you so you stayed. I need you, but I can’t hold you back from your dreams. So I wrote this for you…so you can go,” Finn sniffled again, more audibly this time. “You’ll get a band together and you’ll record this. You’ll make your dreams come true. You’ll be a big rock star. I believe in you.”
Jake could see that Finn believed a lot of things, not all of which were truths. The stiffly held shoulders, the slight tremor of the long fingers, and the occasional sniffle spoke volumes to Jake. His submissive was suffering and he couldn’t bear it.
“You know, when I was your age all I could think about was being a rock star, playing music to scads of screaming fans every night.” Jake sighed. “It was a good dream and I suppose I had a shot at making it, but I gave it up. At first, I didn’t want to let go of the dream. I resented being forced by circumstances to make the choices that I did. But you know, in the end, they were
my
choices. I could have sold the studio and walked away to pursue my dreams, but I didn’t. I gave in to my father’s final wishes by my own choice.”
“You could be great, Jake.”
Finn’s hoarse words held an edge that told Jake his submissive held himself together by a very thin thread. He slipped an arm over Finn’s shoulders, feeling the slight tremors of the younger man’s body and the tension that drew him tight as a bow.
“Maybe. Maybe not. It’s a tough business and not many people make it.” Jake shrugged. “You’re right. I could still try and maybe I’d make it even though it’s kind of a long shot for a guy in his thirties to become a rock star.”
“You would be so amazing,” Finn whispered.
Jake tightened his arm around his still trembling lover. “I would be amazing for you, Finn.”
The head of silky white hair lifted. Pale gray eyes damp with tears gazed up at him and in that instant Jake saw everything in Finn’s heart. A love so huge and pure it made Jake’s breath catch in his throat. Fear so great it caused the slender form beneath his arm to shake uncontrollably. And in the depths of those beautiful eyes, a tiny infinitesimal spark of hope.
Jake smiled at his lover and bent to brush a sweet kiss to his lips. He held Finn’s pointed chin in hand, his thumb stroking the sharp edge of Finn’s jaw.
“I don’t want the dreams of my twenties,” he whispered against Finn’s mouth. “My dreams have changed.”
Tears shimmered, threatening to spill over. “What do you want now?”
The quaver in his submissive’s voice told Jake just how much Finn wanted and feared the answer to his question. He pulled Finn closer, crushing the boy in his arms.
“I want you, Finn.” Jake nuzzled the tender skin of Finn’s temple. “I’m happy here in the studio or, at least, I am now that you’re here.”
“B-but you’re destined to make great music,” Finn protested.
Jake nodded. “I am. But not on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans. I’m destined to make great music with you. I’ve found a huge satisfaction in writing and playing music with you. Not to mention the fact that you’re the most amazing submissive I’ve ever had. I’d be a fool to let you go.”
Finn stared at Jake with shock widened eyes. “I thought you would become famous and you wouldn’t want me anymore. I thought you’d turn me out. I thought that’s what pushing me to finish Juilliard was all about.” Each word tore from Finn’s throat, steeped in dark pain.
Jake stood and scooped his lover up in his arms, letting Finn wind long arms and legs around his body. Walking into the booth with his submissive clinging to him like a limpet, Jake eased down onto the leather sofa and held Finn close, smiling as the boy— he really couldn’t think of him as anything else despite the fact that he was clearly a man— buried his face in Jake’s neck.
“Finn, do you trust me?” Jake asked, his hands stroking up the submissive’s back.
“Yes, sir.”
The words were muffled but Jake still heard them.
“I know your story, sweetness. I know that everyone you’ve ever trusted or loved has turned away from you.” Finn shivered in Jake’s arms and a spike of anger at Finn’s family and his former master sent heat spiraling through Jake. “I’m not them. I know what a treasure I hold in my arms. I won’t ever let you go, Finn. I love you.”
The little shivers and shakes abruptly stopped. Finn’s body became very still. Finally, he raised his head and sat up on Jake’s lap. Dove gray eyes searched Jake’s face, his eyes, his expression, for the truth. Jake gazed back at his lover, letting him see just how very much Jake loved and needed Finn. The tiny spark of hope Jake had seen in Finn’s eyes began to grow until Finn’s whole face blazed with adoration.
“I love you too, master. I love you more than I love the music.”
The earnest, heartfelt words made Jake laugh. He could have been given no bigger compliment than to be told Finn loved him more than the music that permeated the younger man’s soul. Framing the beautiful Nordic face in his hands, Jake brushed a kiss to the pale pink lips and then set about explaining himself.
“I understand that you feel the need to give me your submission, Finn, but the word ‘master’ has no place between us, so you are not required to say it and I’d prefer that you don’t.” He stroked the submissive’s silky hair, his fingers carding the sleek strands. “The reason I’ve had such poor luck with subs is because I thought I needed a formal environment to express my dominance. The fact is I don’t. I’ve been your Dominant all along and we’ve yet to step foot inside my playroom together or even have a formal scene together.”
Finn rubbed his cheek against Jake’s palm. “I’ve always known you’re my master. I’ve shown you my submission as best I could, as much as you would let me. I don’t have to call you ‘master’ to know that you are.”
Jake smiled at his lover’s earnestness. “I think that what we need is something more heartfelt and less restrictive. You’ve never really had a chance to explore your submission. What Reynolds did to you was unacceptable. Unless someone specifically asks to be treated as less than human, no Dominant should force that on them. I know that because of your inexperience you didn’t know what he did to you was wrong, but it was and I don’t want that kind of formal submission from you. I want you to be my lover, my partner, as well as my submissive.”
“Haven calls Kellen ‘master’,” Finn whispered.
“Not always.” Jake shook his head. “And even so, that’s not what I want for us. I don’t want you to call me by the same term you used with Reynolds. You may call me sir or Jake and when we’re at the club you will definitely call me sir, but never ‘master.’ Is that clear?”
Comprehension dawned in Finn’s pale eyes. “Yes, sir. I understand. I won’t use that word with you again.” He bit his lip for moment then blurted out, “What’s next for us? If you don’t want to record the song I wrote for you and you don’t want to leave here to be a star what does that mean for us? Are you going to make me go back to Juilliard?”
Even if Finn’s words hadn’t held a note of fear, Jake would have recognized the fearful expression on his face. “Why don’t you want to go?” he asked softly, stroking his lover’s face soothingly. “It’s a wonderful opportunity.”
Finn heaved a sigh. “When I was first accepted I wanted to go because it meant I wouldn’t have to be with my parents for most of the year. My main reason for going had nothing to with music and everything to do with escape.”
Tears welled in his eyes again and Jake’s chest tightened with emotion. He wished he could take away every bad thing that had happened to Finn. Since he couldn’t, he vowed to himself that he would make the boy’s life so full of joy and happiness that he would one day forget what his parents and Reynolds had done to him.
“Attending Juilliard did mean a chance to make my music better, but I had more important reasons for going there. Those reasons are gone now.” Finn’s voice gained strength as Jake remained silent, letting him speak about his needs and desires. “I want to finish college. I want to stay here and work with you and make music with you. I don’t want to leave. I feel safe here. It feels like…home.”
The tears that threatened spilled down his cheeks now. “For the first time in my life I have a real family here with you and Ray, Haven and Micah and their Dominants. You all care about me. No one uses me. I’m free and I’m happy. Or at least, I am now that I know you love me and won’t send me away.”
Jake hugged Finn close, his hands stroking over the lean muscled body that sat on his lap and pressed to his chest. “No, I won’t send you away. You’re a part of me now. I can’t imagine life without you.” He grimaced. “Actually, I can. I had a bad dream about it and believe me, I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”
Head cocked to one side in a pose of curiosity, Finn said, “A bad dream about me?”
“When I was at the cabin. I dreamed we were all at the club and Gavin and Kellen were telling me to collar you just like they did the last time we all went there.” Jake grimaced, remembering the dream that had shook him so badly. “I dreamed a man walked up to you and offered you a collar. You knelt and he slipped the collar around your neck. Then he kissed you and took you away while I stood right there, unable to move, unable to speak. You walked away and didn’t look back and…”
Jake couldn’t go on. The worst part of the dream for him had been seeing Finn happy with someone else. It had been a knife thrust into his gut.
“Sir? Jake?” Finn prompted, a worried frown wrinkling his brow.
Arms tight around his lover, Jake drew one deeply shuddering breath. “Your face had an expression of happiness on it when he put the collar on you,” he whispered, knowing his voice sounded agonized but unable to do anything about it. “And you didn’t look back when he took you away. Nothing has ever hurt me like that.
Nothing
.”
Instantly, Finn wrapped his arms around Jake’s neck, clinging tightly to him. “I would never let another man collar me. I would never be happy with another man.”
The fierceness of Finn’s low voice soothed Jake. Finn belonged to him. They were together. He hadn’t been so stupid as to let the boy go. Tugging on the soft strands of Finn’s hair he pulled his lover’s mouth to his and kissed him deeply. Tongues swirled and danced together, licking, tasting and teasing. Jake’s jeans grew tight in the crotch as Finn rubbed on him, long lean body undulating sensuously. They writhed together on the couch in the control room, hands and mouths exploring until Jake couldn’t take any more.
“Up,” he panted, pushing Finn to his feet.
He stood and they leaned against each other, breathless and shaking. Placing his hands on Finn’s shoulders, Jake steered him out the door and to the stairs. They climbed in silence, but Jake didn’t remove his hands from Finn’s body. At the top of the stairs, Finn turned down the hall. He hesitated between his bedroom and the master suite and glanced up at Jake, his lower lip caught between his teeth, his pale gaze questioning.
The urge to kiss him and suck that full lower lip into his mouth struck Jake like a hammer blow. But the tingling of his palms overrode that urge and he turned Finn toward the door that they had yet to open together. He turned the doorknob and the ash blond wood swung open, revealing his playroom. Finn sucked in a breath and Jake could feel the excitement coursing through his submissive.
They stepped inside and he shut the door, standing quietly as Finn explored the room. He tried to see the room as Finn did, with new eyes. In a sense it was all new because he’d never been here with a man he loved. He looked at the St. Andrew’s Cross made of the same light colored Scandinavian wood as the rest of the building, the padded brown leather spanking bench, the rings set in the walls and ceiling, the leather swing, the rows of toys neatly attached to the walls beside the chest high toy box also made of ash, and the arched open doorway into the tiled wet room.
“I’ve never seen such a beautiful playroom, sir.” Finn’s voice held a breathy quality that made Jake’s heart begin to race. Awe and lust vied for supremacy in the submissive’s tone.
“I’m afraid it’s seen very little use,” he admitted, a twinge of self-consciousness pricking him.
Finn turned a brilliant smile on him. “We’ll break it in together, shall we, sir?”
Bright eyes held an expression of such excitement that Jake wouldn’t have had the heart to deny the boy even if he wasn’t already hard as stone at the idea of playing with Finn. He cleared his throat and gestured toward a stool near the door. “Strip. Leave your clothes there.”
Watching the boy scramble to obey his order brought a smile to Jake’s lips. As each inch of creamy skin revealed itself, he found himself unable to look away. He had no idea what to do first but he knew whatever he decided, it would be better than anything else he’d ever done previously.
Deciding that he’d best be prepared for how quickly Finn would bring him to the brink of orgasm simply by being naked and bound, Jake stripped out of his own clothes, leaving them on a matching stool. He caught Finn’s admiring gaze on his body when he finally turned toward his submissive. In that moment, he knew what he wanted to do.
“Stand beneath the big ring in the center of the room,” he told Finn, his voice low and even.
Finn moved to do his bidding, coming to a stop beneath a ring that dangled from the ceiling. Jake opened the toy chest and selected a pair of leather cuffs with a clip that hung from the length of chain between them. He strapped the leather onto Finn’s outstretched arms. Then he pulled on the clip, lifting Finn’s arms into the air. With a snap of metal, the cuffs were clipped to the ring. Jake went over to a switch on the wall and flipped it. The ring Finn’s wrists were connected to rose toward the ceiling until his arms and body stretched tight. Finn stood, feet shoulder width apart, arms above his head and eyes cast submissively downward.
“Does that hurt?” Jake asked. “It’s not too high?”
Finn drew a deep breath that expanded his perfectly sculpted chest. “No, sir. It’s fine.”
Jake checked the tension in his submissive’s arms, running his hands over the boy’s flesh to ensure he hadn’t pulled his arms up too high. He didn’t need Finn dislocating his shoulder. Once he assured himself that Finn was comfortable, he went back to the toy chest. This time he selected ankle cuffs.
H e knelt before Finn and strapped the cuffs to his ankles and then clipped each one to a ring in the floor. Now, he’d completely immobilized his submissive.