Black Flag (Racing on the Edge) (8 page)

My heart was aching,
feeling like it’d been torn in two once again by this man. The saddest part
about that whole thing was even though he was the one who hurt me; he was also
the one person who could put me back together.

Jameson was always
there to fix anything. Like the night I lost my virginity to Dylan Grady. The
next night when Dylan refused to even look at me it was Jameson who picked up
the pieces and Christ was there a lot of pieces to gather.

I spent the night
drinking and singing
Total Eclipse of the Heart
at the top of my lungs
at least four times, drank an entire twenty-four pack of beer, asked Emma to be
a lesbian with me and then vomited all over Spencer at least twice.

When I began my fifth
solo of the song, Jameson politely told me I sounded like a dying cat and took
my beer away. I can laugh about it now but I really was pathetic.

But what wasn’t
pathetic, was the boy that glued me together by just holding me that night
while I cried it out.

Being in love is a
strange thing. Even when you hate the person for saying or doing something, you
don’t stop loving them. You may want to or even go as far to say you won’t, but
when you love them, truly love them, it never goes away.

It can’t be shut off or
even avoided. Just the engine failure, once it’s been certain, nothing can stop
it. All you can do is go with it and try to counteract any after effects.

Sway Bar – Jameson

“Damn it!” My hand once
again slipped off the ratchet wrench. Jimi, who’d been watching up until this
point, laughing, set his whiskey on the tool cart and walked over.

“What are you doing
dipshit? That’s not how you do it.” He asked hovering over me. I could feel his
warm whiskey breath on my neck. Being around sprint cars my entire life, I knew
how to do this shit. I also knew my World of Outlaw dad, the one that grew up
doing this shit himself, knew too. We just didn’t have the same techniques.

“Jesus, I know what I’m
doing.” I snapped adjusting the wrench I was using to change out the brakes on
Justin’s sprint car, with a broken wrist. I was still angry but at least I
could form coherent words. More than anything, I felt like shit having yelled at
Sway.

“Obviously not.” he
took the wrench from me and proceeded to show me his way.

“There’s more than one
way to do this you know.”

“No, there’s one way
and then there is bullshit.” His eyebrows rose challenging me. “Guess which one
you’re doing right now?”

I snapped and ripped
the brake pad off, hurling it across the shop. The metal from the brake
scrapped against the concrete floor until it smashed against the sidewall.

My dad laughed. “How’d
that work out for you?” he asked tossing the wrench toward the tool cart and
walking toward his whiskey again. “You know, I’m not sure exactly what happened
between you and Sway this afternoon but
you
need to fix it.”

“Don’t you think I
fucking know that?” I snapped back at him.

“If you
fucking
know that,” he mocked widening his eyes, “why are you still here doing
something that can easily be done by Tommy and going all
batshit
when I try and help your broken ass?”

I shook my head,
letting it fall forward against the top wing of the car. I’ve fucked up
tremendously, yet again.

“I don’t even know
where she went.” I groaned. “For all I know she flew home.”

My dad laughed one
sarcastic patronizing laugh. “You’re dumber than you look. She’s sitting
outside in the same place she’s been for the last two hours.
Crying.”

“What?”

“She never left
dumbass.” He headed for his office again. “She’s been sitting in the car
outside. By the way,” he stopped short of the door looking over his shoulder at
me. “We chose Warner
Leddy
to drive for you.”

I think I offered some
sort of head nod but not much else before I ran outside. Well I tried, and I
was in noticeably bad shape considering I think I re-broke a few bones with the
hallway brawl.

Once outside I saw her
sitting in my Mustang. Her arms were draped over the steering wheel with her
face leaned against it.

She hadn’t left, though
she had every right to. I yelled at her and accused her of something she’d
never do, she should have left. But that wasn’t Sway. She wouldn’t leave me, no
matter what I put her through; she was there for me even when she shouldn’t be.

How many times was I
going to break her heart? How many more times will she forgive me?

When I opened the
passenger door, she jumped but didn’t look up so I climbed in. We sat there,
Sway crying, me tugging at my hair, not saying a word.

I’ve done a lot of
fucked up shit in my life but this doesn’t even compare. The guilt I felt,
listening to her cry, was maddening.

So there I sat,
listening to the woman that owned my heart and soul cry because I broke hers
once again. She trusted me with everything and once again, I let her down. She
loved me and I hurt her.

What would I even say
to apologize for something like that?

I just basically
accused my pregnant girlfriend of cheating on me when I knew damn well she’d
never do something like that,
ever
.

Sway sniffled after a
few minutes and turned her head to look at me, her eyes red, swollen and still
full of the love I didn’t deserve but she gave it to me unconditionally.

She spoke first. “Not
that I ever
wanted
to have this conversation, but we’re going to.”

“What conversation?” I
asked my voice unusually horse, fearing the worst.

“We’re going over the
roster.” I could tell this was
not
something she wanted to do but for
her sanity, she needed to.

I, on the other hand,
was sick to my stomach instantly thinking of anyone that had ever touched Sway
in the ways I had.

Her hand reached out to
touch me softly. The instant her skin touched mine I felt calmer already, well,
a little calmer. I was not prepared for this.

“I lost my virginity to
Dylan Grady when I was sixteen in the back of my truck at Elma during one of
your races.” She confessed. “It was horrible. He was rough and it hurt.”

This is worse than I
thought.

My stomach lurched remembering
why she disappeared that night. “I’m glad I smashed it with a fucking tree.” I
muttered looking out the window.

Sway chuckled lightly.
The sound brought me back to the conversation.

“He never talked to me
again.”

“I’m going to kill him
the next time I see him.” I knew he never talked to her again and I was sure it
had something to do with me breaking his jaw but it didn’t stop the fact that I
wanted to kill him now.

“The next time was with
Cooper.”

I knew about him too. I
remembered him taking her to the senior prom. I was off racing in California
that night.

I pulled at my hair
once more. This was harder than I thought it was going to be because we grew up
with all these guys. I could have been that guy all along but no, I’m just a
stubborn fucker who thought she was too good for me. Judging by my recent
behavior, I was absolutely correct.

“And then there was
Mike.”

I groaned, unable to
hear anymore.

“So let’s hear it.” She
turned toward me.

“Sway
...
” I shook my head. This was not
something I even admitted to myself, let alone Sway.

“No, Jameson.” Her eyes
focused on mine, pleading. “I will not be surprised when someone comes up to me
and says they I slept with my boyfriend.”

I was sure she didn’t
want to hear this at all. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

After a long moment of
silence, I decided to be honest with her and myself. “The first was Chelsea in
high school after that night we spent up at Dayton Peak and you left with
Cooper.” I watched her face fall with disappointment. “I only slept with her
once.”

“Really?”

“Yeah it was horrible.”
I sighed running my hand over my jaw. “The rest I don’t really remember. I’m
not sure I even know how many.”

“Ballpark figure then
...
?”

Knowing my past, I
didn’t want to even say. It was embarrassing.

“Thirty, maybe,” I was
expecting her to gasp or something but her facial expression never changed.
Thirty was probably a lie too. I honestly had no idea. It wasn’t like I was
keeping track of the nameless fillers. Deep down, I knew the number was closer
to fifty but I couldn’t say it. I was disgusted with myself for that time in my
life.

“Ashley?” she asked.

“Yes, once.” I admitted
trying to block out the thoughts.

“Dana?”

“Never,” A shudder ran
through me at the thought thinking of that peppy stalker close to me.

“Mariah?”

“Never,” My eyes met
hers again. “I wasn’t lying. I never slept with that woman regardless of what
she tells everyone.”

“Anyone I may run into
at the track?”

“Not besides Ashley
.
The rest were just random fans I guess or a
few women from bars around the tracks we stopped at. I wasn’t lying to you when
I said that woman in Vegas last April, was the last. And up until you, I’ve
never
slept with the same woman twice. Nor have I ever gone without a condom
...
besides with you.”

Sway nodded a tear slid
down her cheek. “I hate that you thought I would sleep with Mike again.” Her
eyes dropped.

I hung my head in
shame. “I’m so fucking sorry. That was
...
I
don’t even know what to call myself for that. I was a fucking idiot.”

“Did you really think I
would do that?”

“No
...
but
my judgment was
clouded.”

“I would never cheat on
you, Jameson.”

I nodded, fearing the
look in her eyes because I knew once again; she’d forgiven me for being an
asshole when she shouldn’t. “You deserve so much better than me, Sway.”

“Don’t ever accuse me
of cheating on you,
ever
.”

“I won’t. Just don’t
give up on me just yet.” I leaned over, trying to maneuver myself to be able to
touch her but it didn’t work. Instead, I groaned in pain. Sway of course,
reached out to me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I think I
just need to go rest.”

“Okay, let’s go home.”

She started my car and
though no one had ever driven my Shelby GT 500 Mustang besides me, I knew she
could do it and amazingly I wasn’t having a heart attack when she missed second
gear.

Other than that one
slip, Sway could drive the car damn near as good as me. What really calmed me
down was when Sway turned up the radio to a country song playing knowing I’d
sing for her.

“You want me to sing
for you?”

She didn’t say
anything, just sighed contently and leaned her head back against the seat.

My voice was gravely
baritone and I didn’t have that certain twine needed for country but I made up
for it with a drawl I knew she loved.

I was relieved to see
everyone was gone when we got back to my parent’s house. I didn’t need another
lecture from my dad and if I saw Spencer or Emma again today, I wasn’t sure how
well I’d deal with their shit when I had my own drowning me.

“This is nice.” Sway
said getting inside the warm tub with me after lighting the candles I had in
here from the last time we took a bath. The only light coming in was the
flickering of candles shadowed by the moonlight.

“Is this okay? I mean,
can you still take baths?” I was already leaned against the side, covered to my
chest in the water. My left arm rested on the side since I couldn’t submerge it
yet.

“Yeah, I read that book
What to Expect when Expecting
when you were in the hospital. It just
said to be careful in like hot tubs and saunas.”

“But the salt is okay?”

“Salt?”
She grinned. “What are
you doing below the water there?”

“Not my salt.” I
laughed. “I poured Epsom salt in here. It helps when you have broken bones.”

“Oh, that. Yes, you
can.” Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “It’s actually really good to keep
infections away.”

“Come over here,
honey.” I motioned for her to sit between my legs.

“Are you sure that’s a
good idea? You look like you’re in pain.” Her hand reached up to graze over the
purplish bruises forming from the ribs I was positive were broken again.