Falling for Autumn (6 page)

Blake’s face scrunched up in distaste. “That’s a lame nickname. I’m betting your high school didn’t graduate too many future brain surgeons.”

I managed to smile. “It is a lame nickname.” I sat back down and edged closer to him. I leaned forward with my elbows on my thighs. Our knees were inches apart and I stared at the closeness of our legs. “I can’t go backwards and keep talking about the assholes I went to school with. If we’re going to be friends, I need you to leave it alone.”

“Okay,” he said. His eyebrows pulled together as he regarded me. “I’m stubborn, but I’m not a total dick. If you don’t want to talk about high school, I won’t bring it up again. But remember, you can tell me anything and I’m not going to judge.”

I had the strangest sense of déjà vu at the moment, recalling a similar conversation with Hunter. He had begged me for the truth again and again, pleas that fell on deaf ears. When he confronted me with the rumors, my denials no longer mattered. It was my fault and I’d have to pay for my sins. He nominated himself as juror, judge, and executioner.

I focused back on the here and now. “Thanks for the offer. Now, can you do what you promised and get my mind off of my crap date by giving me a chance to blast you in
Call of Duty
?”

“Bring it, Autumn.”

“You bitch! I waited for you, put up with your teasing act for months. And you were fucking someone else.” Hunter spat the words in my face and I spun my head to escape his vitriol.

“It’s not true
, what they’re saying. You know me.” I tried to keep my voice small while wishing I could shrink away more and more until I disappeared completely.

“Dan said you blew him a month before we started dating. Why the fuck would he
make something like that up?”

“Because he’s a piece
of shit that always hated us together. This gives him the perfect chance to turn you against me. Hunter, please, I need you. Faye and the rest of my friends aren’t calling me back. I’ve been on Facebook, I know what they’re saying, but maybe if they see us together, it will go away.”

“Fine, then give me something in return. Fuck me right now. Take off your clothes and spread those legs you’ve been spreading for everyone but me.” Hunter reached forward and his fingers encircled my wrist. He yanked me roughly to him and I collided with his chest. Before I could protest, his hands were pulling at my pants.

***

Cowering beneath my blanket, I resolved to stop thinking about Hunter. He’d been on my mind way too much and somehow found a way to penetrate my dreams. I hadn’t seen Hunter since I stopped going to
Newpine High School and finished out my senior year at home. At times, the temptation came to look him up online, but I refrained. Nothing good would come out of reading about Hunter’s charmed life after our breakup.

“Autumn?”
Lexi whispered and turned on the light. She’d been asleep when I returned from Blake’s and I silently crept into the room to avoid having the awkward conversation about my date with Josh.

  “Sorry, bad dream,” I muttered, peeking my head out from under the blanket. I looked at the clock, noting it was after seven, and decided I might as well stay awake. I’d returned after one in the mo
rning but could fit in a nap later if I needed the extra sleep. With my heart pounding and my head spinning, sleep would be fleeting.

“How was your night? I passed out at midnight and you weren’t home yet,”
Lexi said cheerfully. I assumed Josh hadn’t been in touch with her by the hopeful tone of her voice.

“It was fun,” I answered honestly. Once the awkwardness between Blake and me disappeared, I had a good time with him and Darien. Darien continued to flirt and at times it seemed to annoy Blake. But Blake never protested. He was sending out a clear signal: we were friends and nothing more.

“Really? Where did he take you to dinner?”

“The date with Josh was fine, we went to Piazza’s and then coffee, but we ended the night early.” I sat up in bed. “I ran into Blake and hung out at his apartment with him and his roommate.”

“If you went to Blake’s place that doesn’t sound like Josh is going to get a second date.”

I aimed to keep my voice neutral. “Did you tell Josh about my panic attacks? He brought it up and I wasn’t prepared for it. I ran inside our room and shut the door in his face.”

“No, of course I didn’t tell him,” Lexi breathed out. “Oh no, I’m going to kill Finn. I mentioned last semester I was worried about you and he must’ve said something to Josh. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.” It was fine because I had to give
Lexi credit. She could’ve put in a room change request the week after I moved in and had my first panic attack. If her worst transgression was telling her boyfriend her roommate was one small step away from psychiatric commitment status, I could hardly blame her.

“I’m sorry I pushed Josh on you too. I knew you didn’t see him that way, but he’s a good guy and I thought maybe he could help you get out there and start dating again.”
Lexi wrung out her hands. “I think I was being selfish and imagining how much fun it would be if you were dating Finn’s best friend.”

“I like Josh, but I can’t see him as more than a friend. Even if we tried to casually date, I don’t think it would be fair to either of us.”

“But you like Blake as more than a friend.”

My physical attraction to Blake started as soon as we met, but an unrequited crush was something I could handle. When he drove me back to campus the night before, I recognized how my feelings had changed. Kissing Blake had been an unreachable fantasy, but while we were alone in the quiet intimacy of his car, I wanted the real thing. “I do, but nothing is going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“I have my…
stuff
and Blake has his own.” I didn’t want to tell Lexi about Blake’s father. It seemed like something he didn’t advertise and I didn’t want to blab something he told me in confidence. I wasn’t sure if Blake was keeping me at a distance because of his father or some other reason. He was stingy about sharing too many personal details about his life so I was left playing a never-ending guessing game.

“Well, I’m done pushing you. I’m not going to be labeled a horrible friend because I’m coercing you to date when you have no desire to,”
Lexi said resolutely before lying back down in her bed.

Smiling softly, I wondered how long her promise would last. She was deliriously happy with Finn and I found people in love liked to set their friends up to share in the bliss. I was happy for her and it was uplifting to see a healthy relationship. I’d been in the most toxic relationship possible and I was grateful to Hunter for one single thing only—breaking up with me. If he had stood by me, then I would’ve ended up putting up with his cruelty for who knows how long before I finally wised up.

***

On Tuesday, Josh finally called. I considered calling him first, but I was embarrassed over our date and wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know if I needed to apologize or if it would be better to pretend none of the awkwardness happened.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Autumn. I’m glad I caught you, I thought maybe you went out with
Lexi and Finn.”

An hour earlier,
Lexi and Finn left for an off-campus party. Blake mentioned during class he would be there as well, but I decided to pass. I liked the quiet in the dorms on Tuesdays and found it the best time to catch up on my class work for the week. Most of the students didn’t have early classes on Wednesday, which had turned Tuesday nights into a major campus party night. Dorm parties were rare because of security roaming the halls after hours, so most of the gatherings took place off campus.

“No, staying in tonight. What about you?”

“I’m getting over a stomach bug that started yesterday. I was finally able to get out of bed today, but I’m still feeling like crap.”

“That’s too bad. Hope you feel better,” I chirped. I chewed on my thumb as I was greeted by awkward silence. Finally, I started, “Listen, Josh—”

“Autumn, I’m sorry—” he broke in.

“You don’t need to apologize. I had a great time at dinner and I know you were trying to help by bringing up the panic attacks. Maybe I do need to talk to someone on a regular basis about them.”

“I don’t think less of you and I don’t want you to think we were badmouthing you behind your back. Lexi had said something to Finn and we were trying to figure out how to help you.”

“I understand. You’re a good friend, Josh, and I don’t want to mess it up,” I said gently.

“I get it. I wish it wasn’t the case, but you made it clear you weren’t looking for a boyfriend. But I hope I didn’t make things weird between us.”

“No, we’re totally fine. We should get together for lunch later in the week and test things out. I bet there won’t be a trace of weirdness.”

Josh sounded relieved and we made plans to get together on Friday for lunch. It would be easy to shy away, but I had only a handful of friends. I didn’t want to lose Josh because our attempts at a romance fizzled out.

Later, I stared up at the ceiling while trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep.
Lexi texted me before midnight to let me know she was sleeping up in Finn’s room. She never invited Finn to our room, although I told her I wouldn’t mind. I was a little uncomfortable with the idea of Finn witnessing one of my panic attacks, but the offer was my attempt at being a good roommate. There was no handbook on how to appease a normal roommate who had to deal with my emotional breakdowns.

It felt like my eyes were barely closed when I awoke to the sound of persistent knocking. I lifted up onto my elbows and groaned at the clock when I saw it was after three in the morning. I thought I heard once people went crazy from lack of sleep. If that was true, I was halfway there. I clambered over to the door and looked through the keyhole. Blake was shuffling side to side with his hands in his pockets. Before I could process him at my door, he lifted his right hand and knocked again.

“Autumn,” he called through the doorway.

“What the hell?” I whispered before swinging open the door.

“Hey, you are awake,” Blake said brightly. He looked me up and down and smiled as his eyes raked over my zebra-printed pajama pants and black tank top.

“No, I wasn’t awake. What are you doing here?” I demanded and looked him over as well. He was wearing a black sweater and a pair of dark jeans that hung low on his hips. With his bleary gaze and goofy expression, I guessed he had way too much to drink at the party.

“You don’t sound glad to see me. I bet most girls on your floor would be thrilled to find me knocking at their doors.” He raised his voice and yelled, “Hey, can I crash in someone’s room? It’s Blake Preston, you may have heard of me.”

The deserted hallway amplified his voice and I fought the desire to throttle him. A minute later, Casey stuck her head outside of her door down the hall. She was dressed in a long T-shirt and cute high-cut shorts that accentuated her toned legs. “You can come in my room.” She fluttered her eyelashes and grinned at Blake.

“See, I told you.” Blake smiled back in Casey’s direction.

I rolled my eyes while grabbing him by the arms. As I pulled him inside, I ground out, “You’re going to get me in trouble with the RA.” I closed the door behind him and whirled around. “How did you get in the dorm anyway? You need a key card after two because the outside doors lock.”

He waved me off. “You underestimate me. I have a face people love to trust. It wasn’t hard to convince someone to let me inside.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why are you breaking into my dorm? And how did you get on campus? Please tell me you didn’t drive drunk.”

“Are you always so negative? I thought after Saturday, we bonded and you’d be happy to see me.”

“Not at three in the morning when I’m trying to sleep.”

He walked further into the room and scanned it with a shrewd expression. His eyes rested on my bed for long enough I assumed he’d guessed my side of the room. He spared a glance at Lexi’s bed. “Where’s your roommate?”

“She stays with her boyfriend sometimes.” Before walking over to him, I turned the overhead light on. The quiet dim of my desk lamp made the room feel too intimate. Blake had become a friend, but I wasn’t comfortable with him in my space. “You didn’t answer my question, did you drive here?”

“No, I caught a ride back to campus with a friend. And before you ask, no, he wasn’t drinking. Is this your bed?” After I nodded, he sank into the mattress with his feet planted on the floor in front of him. “It’s pretty grim on your side of the room, Autumn. Where are all of your pictures? Compared to your roommate’s side, I feel like I’m in a prison cell.”

I smacked his shoulder. “I didn’t know you were into interior decorating. Maybe I should pay you by the hour to spruce up my dorm room.”

“You’re on. I’ll hang up pictures of me and draw hearts around my face,” he teased.

“Maybe put your pictures on a dartboard instead,” I retorted. “Blake, seriously, what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I was hoping you’d come out and when you weren’t there, I figured I’d stop by here and see what you were up to. I had fun the other night.”

He fell back onto my bed and I watched the mattress bounce with his weight. The sight of Blake in my bed was almost comical. He was huge and his limbs hung awkwardly over the side. Instead of feeling panic at the idea of a boy in my bed, I was starting to wonder what it would feel like to crawl next to him. I gave my head a powerful shake to clear out the distracting thoughts.

“How did you plan to get home? Is your friend driving you back?”

He sat up and gave me an impish smile. “I didn’t catch his number, so I’m not sure that’s an option. Darien left the party a couple of hours ago, so I could call him to get me. Unless you decide to take pity on me and let me sleep here.”

“Here?” I squeaked. “With me?”

“Not sleeping together,” he chuckled. “Just sleeping at the same time. I could just take your bed while you sleep in your roommate’s bed.”

“Or you could take the floor,” I huffed.

“Or we could share your bed,” he countered. At my expression, he fell back onto the bed and laughed again. I couldn’t decide if I should pummel him while he was drunk or wait until he sobered up. “Floor it is,” he groaned.