Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters (4 page)

No matter how smart and straight-up you are about wanting to have sex, if you’re choosing it, you’re making a mistake that could ruin your life, or you’re a big whore. Done and done. It’s no wonder that so many people would rather think of teen girls as victims unable to wrap their poor little heads around the complexities of sexuality.

The victim role is played out in a lot of ways, but the most blatant are seen in our existing consent laws. If you’re under a certain age, you can’t consent to sex. Period. Now, I’m not going to say that I think consent laws shouldn’t exist—clearly, there are plenty of creepy-ass pedophiles running around. But the way that the laws are implemented—not to mention the implication that young women can’t make their own decisions about their sexuality—is seriously flawed.

There’s a bill in Missouri, for example, that would require teachers, doctors, and nurses to report kids who are sexually active to a state abuse hotline.
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That’s right—have sex, get reported. The kicker? The law says that the sexually
active teen need only be reported if they are unmarried. Ahem. Marriage is the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card—sometimes literally—for teen sex. In a case in Nebraska in July 2005, charges were brought against a twenty-two-year-old man for having sex with a fourteen-year-old girl.
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A bunch of folks weren’t too happy about the charge because the “couple” was married after the girl became pregnant. How does a thirteen-year-old get married, you ask? Oh, her parents just took her over to Kansas, where kids as young as twelve can wed with their parents’ consent. Lovely.

Clearly, this case is fucked up in a thousand ways. But what really kills me about this was that a large part of the community in Nebraska was pissed that it had even been brought to court, because the guy had done “the right thing” by marrying her. So if you don’t get married you’re a rapist, but if you do you’re a stand-up guy? In either case, it seems to me the point of all this is to make sure that the girl in question (who has no real say in the matter) stays “pure.”

This kind of faux concern about teenage girls and sexual activity has nothing do with keeping girls safe. It’s
about legislating morality and ensuring that someone—whether it be a parent, husband, or the state—is making decisions for young women. Because god forbid we make them ourselves.

I was serious about feminism making me better in bed. You can’t be good in that department unless you get past the anti-sex nonsense, and feminism allows you to do just that.

Feminism tells you it’s okay to make decisions about your sexuality
for yourself.
Because when it comes down to it, what’s more powerful and important than being able to do what you want with your body without fear of being shamed or punished?

Feminism teaches responsibility. You can’t really enjoy yourself sexually if you don’t have all the facts and aren’t being safe. While conservative programs are doing their best to make sure that you stay in the dark about contraception, feminists are fighting to make sure that you have access to the information and resources you need to have safe sex.

And perhaps most important, feminism wants you to have fun. Sex isn’t just about having babies after all, despite what young women are being taught.

In itself, the act of having sex is considered irresponsible by some. These days, calling a teen “sexually active” is code for “troubled” or “at risk” (though if they’re a product of
abstinence-only education, I wouldn’t disagree with the “at risk” part).

But really, what could be more responsible than taking control of your body by making informed decisions about your sexuality? What’s really irresponsible is telling young women there’s something wrong with having sex. Naturally, just calling yourself responsible doesn’t quite cut it. I know it’s annoying, but sometimes you have to get off your ass and do something.

See—now no one can give you shit! On to the fun stuff.

Can someone tell me when sex became such a goddamn downer? You would think from the way people talk about it these days that intercourse is a potential epidemic—teen girls running around like junkies trying to get a quick dick-fix.

No doubt, there are serious consequences to sex. But if you’re well informed and being responsible, what’s the problem? We need to get beyond the politics, the religious guilt trips, and the moral tsk-tsking and start to remember that sex is a good thing. A great thing. Perhaps the best thing ever.

Someone handed me a sticker at a women’s rights march once. It said: I FUCK TO COME NOT TO CONCEIVE. I can’t find that sticker and I want it back! Because what’s been lost in this whirlwind of abstinence-only, married-only, straight-only nonsense is pleasure. I don’t know about you, but when I have sex it’s because it feels good, not because I’m gearing up to knit some booties.

But there are plenty of people out there—powerful ones—who want you to forget that. Take this nut job, for example: Former Senate candidate Alan Keyes once called homosexuality “selfish hedonism,” because gay sex isn’t for popping out kids; it’s just about feeling good. (The horror!) The fact that someone could outright say that it’s a bad thing to have sex because it’s fun is beyond ridiculous. Because that’s the one thing we all have in common. Whether we’re married, single, gay, young, whatever—we all want to have orgasms. Unless you’re Alan Keyes, I guess.

That’s where feminism comes in. Seriously. Feminism says that you have a right to enjoy yourself. An obligation, even. Young women need to get past the bullshit, scoff at the shame tactics, and get back to the hard work of getting off.

It’s easy to say that sex is a good thing. Living it is the hard part. Women have been taught for so long that having sex—or even just hooking up—means that you’re a slut, so it’s kind of a hard thing to get over. But if sex is a good thing, then why should we be ashamed that we’re having it?

It’s time to come out of the “fucking” closet!

Most women are all too familiar with the sexual double standard that says women are big hoochies for having sex but guys are players. And while most of us know it’s total bullshit, we still follow the rules somewhat. My first experience with the good-girls-don’t double standard came after a hiatus with a high school boyfriend. Though both of us had seen other people during our break from each other, turns out I was the big slut. The explanation by my then-boyfriend was predictable: Men are supposed to be slutty and women need to remain monogamous. It’s in our genes, apparently.

If someone tries to pull this argument on you, make sure to call bullshit. The whole men-are-driven-to-spread-their-seed thing is just plain archane. Read Natalie Angier’s amazing book
Woman: An Intimate Geography
for the hardcore facts. I promise it’s worth it.

Since that long-ago high school drama, the sexual double standard has continued to be one of the most infuriating aspects of sexism for me. I’ve seen otherwise-great male friends turn away potential girlfriends because of their number of sexual partners; I’ve had female friends who, upon hearing my “number,” told me I must must
must
keep it a secret. You know, ’cause the more dicks you encounter, the quicker you go to hell.

Rambling aside, why is it that penises define how slutty women are? What about women who aren’t straight? According to societal norms, it’s not even real sex unless a dick is involved. So should lesbians rest assured that they’re
not the nasty sluts their hetero sisters are? If I get oral from every girl on the block, am I slutty? (Or just smart?) Sorry, it just makes me crazy that whether I’m a whore is completely dependent on cock.

Cock or not, if it’s one person or fifty—why all the shame? If you’re making responsible, informed decisions that make you happy, who cares. In the timeless words of Salt ’n Pepa: “If I/wanna take a guy/home with me tonight/it’s none of your business.”

What’s strangest to me is that the same people who adhere to the rules of the double-standard game will admit its flawed logic. Everyone knows it’s screwed up; it’s just that most people have given up. Or if you’re a guy, perhaps you like the idea that you can whore around but “good” girls can’t.

So it’s really up to young women to fix this mess; we have to take the lead. Young women need to not just ignore the double standard, but to actively fight it by being proud of sex. I’m not saying you should hand out flyers with all the names of your sexual partners and a play-by-play of your favorite positions. But there’s a lot of power in just telling the truth without any shame. If you lie about the number of people you have sex with, or if you call another girl a slut and mean it in a nasty way, you’re supporting the notion that it’s not okay for women to have sex when they want to, or with as many people as they want to. And please note that I’m saying
when
they
want
to. While I know it’s all too common, there’s nothing lamer than hooking up with someone for reasons other than desire and/or love.

I know it’s easier said than done, but there will always be someone who will judge you . . . even if you’re not hooking up! I think we all know someone who had a terrible reputation that materialized out of nowhere.

The only way to battle shame is with pride; we have to be proud of the choices we make and stand behind them. We have to take the power out of sexual insults like “whore” and “slut.” There aren’t many feminists my age who don’t remember musician Kathleen Hanna—of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre fame—scrawling SLUT across her stomach as a way to reclaim the word. We need to do the same thing, not just with the word, but with the idea. There’s nothing wrong with having sex; don’t let anyone forget that.

I always wondered why there weren’t more terms for female masturbation. I mean, men can jerk off, choke the chicken, rub one out, or spank the monkey, but the only one I’ve heard for women is flicking the bean, and frankly, that just sounds painful. But then I realized that women don’t really talk about masturbating all that much, especially younger women. When I was in high school, my friends and I would chat about sexual positions and blow jobs as easily as we discussed our last math class. But masturbation was hush-hush. Looking back, that’s just weird. Seems to me that masturbation should be the most-talked-about sex. After all, it is the safest sex of all. (Even emotionally—when was the last time you broke your own heart?) And it’s not like most women
aren’t masturbating. For as long as we’ve had vaginas, we’ve been messing around with them—scientists recently found a dildo from the Ice Age.
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I shit you not.

But unless you’re screwing yourself silly in front of a camera for boys’ viewing pleasure (you’ll see what I mean when you get to Chapter 3, “Pop Culture Gone Wild”), female masturbation is taboo. Probably because it’s the ultimate “selfish hedonism.” Ain’t no way any bean-flicking is going to get you pregnant. Masturbation is just for fun, so it must be bad.

Despite the fact that encouraging young women to masturbate might cut down on STDs, and even lower rates of supposedly evil teen sex, it’s really not stressed in sex ed classes. It’s just too much for the anti-sex folks to take. In 1994, U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders said that masturbation “is a part of human sexuality, and it’s a part of something that perhaps should be taught—perhaps even as part of our sex ed curriculum.”
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Smart lady, right? I thought so, too. Unfortunately, being logical was just as frowned upon then as it is now. She was forced to resign.