Gillian's Do-Over (22 page)

Even now, i
mages of Gillian flitted through his brain, images that he couldn’t seem to scrub away. Ever since that first day at the park when Adelaide had kissed her ankle.

“It’s a woman.
Not Marnie. It
should
be Marnie.” He reached for another pizza slice. “The worst kind of woman. A client.”

TJ
leaned into the seat across from Matt, a smile playing about his face. “You’re thinking about a client? Which one?”

“Not just thinking about her. What she did.
What
I
did.”

“Who?”

“Gillian Griffiths.”

“
Okay. Her. What did she do? Grab you?” TJ leaned forward, disbelief in his eyes. “Go for your Johnson? She looked so classy… um … genteel… you know, polite when I saw her.” He snatched up another pizza slice. “Who’d a thunk it?”

Matt snorted. “Of course not.” He waved his hands in the a
ir. “She—uh—gave me a hug.”

TJ
shifted in his chair. “Oh. She hugged you.” He remained quiet, staring at his half-eaten pizza slice. “Big deal.” He chewed for several seconds and swallowed. “That’s it?”

“Well,
no. I … hugged her back.” Matt paused, remembering how it had felt. How warm she was, how soft when he pressed her against his chest. How that faint scent of vanilla and flowers encircled him when he leaned closer to her shoulder, her hair floating in the breeze next to his cheek. “I couldn’t let her go.” He reached for a napkin, wiped his hands and stared down at the floor.

“
She hugged you and you hugged her back?” TJ repeated, disbelief on his face.

“I couldn’t
stop
hugging her.”
Wanted to do more than that, couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d look like naked, in my bed.
Hell, in his office, on that park bench. “And then I kissed her.” Shame flooded through him. He’d actually thought about sleeping with a woman so soon after Marnie’s funeral. Even before then, if he was being totally honest.

TJ
was silent for a long minute then burst out laughing. “You take the cake. Big deal. Seems to me it shows you’ve got good taste if you hugged her back. Kissed her, too. Nothing wrong with that. Excellent, as a matter of fact.”

“But she’s a client.”

“So she’s a client. Why’d she hug you?”

“She said she’d heard about
Marnie.”

TJ snorted.
“For Gods’ sake, Matt. Don’t you get it? It was a sympathy hug. I hope you accepted it for what it was.”

But i
t hadn’t felt like a sympathy hug. He’d wanted it to be more than that. A sign that she felt something for him.

And then I kissed her.
He paused. “She’s a client,” he repeated, wishing the ethics he’d always held, to never mix business with pleasure, had prevented him from wanting to do more, to stop fantasizing about the woman.

He felt
TJ’s eyes boring into Matt’s forehead. “How much longer is she going to
be
a client? Aren’t you about done with her case?”

“
Last time I paid attention to it, everything was moving along. Actually, I need to get back on track with it. Her trust isn’t that complicated. I just need to make it gel better with her will. That was supposed to happen a couple of weeks ago, about the time Marnie went into the hospital.”

“Y
ou’ve been busy with personal things. I’m sure Ms. Griffiths understands that. Ursula kept her informed?”

Matt
pointed. “I guess. Those flowers on the front desk are from her. A sympathy card, too.” He raked a hand through his hair again, not caring that it was probably standing on end. Gillian’s flowers were better than the others he’d received. Ursula had said they were from the woman’s own garden. Maybe that’s why they didn’t have that florist odor.

“That was nice of her.” TJ finished his beer and set down the bottle.
He motioned for Matt to continue. “So, when did all this hugging happen? And the kiss? Here in the office?”

Matt
shook his head. “After I took the guys to the airport. In the park.” He leaned back in his chair and shoved his legs forward, sliding the small table holding the pizza box closer to TJ’s chair.

“
Well, this part of the country is hugging territory. More than other places. You know that.”

“I couldn’t
seem to let her go,” he admitted, his voice declining almost to a whisper.

TJ sat for a moment, unmoving. “
Hmm hmm. So you took comfort from her hug. What’s wrong with that?” His eyes widened. “Wait a minute. Is that what you’re feeling guilty about?”

“The kiss, mostly.”
Telling TJ wasn’t helping. The guilt that had blanketed him since that kiss now weighed more heavily.

TJ started to chuckle and his chuckle turned into a full-throated laug
h. “Well, good for you, buddy. So you felt something, maybe even responded to her. Which proves you’re alive.”

Matt looked up at TJ who was now
on his feet, reminding him of a redwood as he stood over him.

“There’s more.”

“Whaddaya mean more? Did you ask her out or something?”

Matt’s left eyebrow rose. “
Are you kidding? That’s not going to happen. What I meant was, I can’t seem to not want to see her. You know, when she’s not at the office.” He gave a deep sigh. “I’ve turned into a stalker.”

TJ
gave him a
‘give-me-more’
wave.

“You know I’ve been taking breaks in the park a couple, maybe three times, a week. For a quick little bike ride or a walk
—to clear my head when Marnie was having a bad day, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah. You
mentioned that.”

“Every time I’ve seen Gillian there—she likes to draw—it’s like I can’t go home.”

“You meet her at the park on your breaks?”

“I met her when I walked Heather’s dog that week she had a business meeting out of town.”

“Tasmania, is it?”

“Right country, wrong geography. Tasmania’s an island. The dog’s
named Adelaide, after the city.”

“Got it.
So you talk to her at the park?”

Matt shook his head. “
A few times. But mostly, I find a place where I can sit and watch her. The way the sun lights her hair, how she concentrates on what she’s doing, capturing scenes on paper. The kids on the swings, the way the wind blows the water fountain. Stuff like that. The way she relates to people.”

Except for th
e time that big man had stopped and talked to Gillian and then walked her out of the park, maybe to her home, tucking one of her hands into his, carrying her little three-legged stool that she used when drawing. That day, Matt had been seriously tempted to follow them, aware that he hadn’t appreciated the possessive way the man seemed to relate to Gillian.

“You’re frowning. Was it s
omething I said?” TJ asked, interrupting Matt’s thoughts.

“Sorry.”

“I repeat. You watch her in the park but you don’t talk to her?”

“I can’t. I shouldn’t
be thinking about her at all. Marnie wasn’t even dead! What kind of husband obsesses over another woman?”

TJ leaned over and retied his shoe
before resuming his seat. His voice gentle, as if he was talking to a child, he said, “Hey, you’re human.” He glanced up at Matt, seeming to have read his mind. “Don’t take me as an example of how to live after losing a spouse. I had to get Allison through school. You know how close she was to her mother.”

Matt nodded. “
It’s been five years. You haven’t been tempted to get serious with anyone?”

“
I go out every once in a while, but not seriously.” TJ shrugged. “Brenda got sick. We only had six months after the diagnosis and we spent that time helping Allison through, planning for her future. Brenda forced me, man. So I wouldn’t lose it after she was gone.” He sighed. “She kicked my butt every damn day when all I wanted to do was lay down and die in her place.”

Matt nodded, remembering.

“But you. Marnie died by inches. That had to be a helluva lot worse. So I’m still carrying a torch for my wife. Not every man feels that way. Some jump into another marriage right away. Even with kids. Sometimes because of them. You saw how Ike Hammersmith handled things after his wife died. He had three little kids to take care of. That nurse who helped them after they got out of the hospital is now his wife. They married a year to the day after the accident. With the kids’ blessing.”

TJ
leaned forward and clapped a hand on Matt’s shoulder. “You’ve been losing Marnie for years. You told me yourself she started changing right after the accident. My guess is you lost her after that first stroke. The only difference between you and me was, my wife was in the ground. Yours was in her room, still functioning on some level but no longer aware of who you were. That had to be a lot harder to take than visiting the cemetery to talk over things, like issues with Allison, even if Brenda doesn’t answer me anymore. Wish she did.”

“You’ve done a g
reat job with that girl. You have to be proud of her, how you got her through all that grief in one piece.”

“
Wasn’t me. It was all Brenda’s doing, and Allison’s raised herself. Mostly. I’ve just been hanging on for dear life, hoping I was saying and doing the right things.”

Matt chuckled. “
Like not coming on too strong when boys came around.”

“That, too. She took me aside a few times. Told me
Brenda wouldn’t have been so nasty with a couple of those jokers.” TJ crossed his arms over his chest. “Except I knew what they were thinking and that was my little girl they were staring at, undressing with their eyes. Thinking of doing things with. No way was I going to let them think that was okay.” One eyebrow rose.

“Right.” At least
Matt’s kids were boys. After their respective birds-and-bees talks, Matt’s conversations about girls had tended toward the don’t-get-anyone-pregnant and treat-women-like-your-mother-expects. As far as he knew, both Carl and Wes had stayed out of trouble. What would they think of him if they knew how his mind worked these days? They’d probably hate him.

TJ was staring at him.
“So you’re thinking about another woman. It means you’re still alive. That’s a good thing. One of these days, I may ask a woman out for real, for more than one date. Introduce her to my friends. Maybe even get serious. If you stop feeling guilty about one little kiss and a sympathy hug, we could make it a foursome. Matt, you aren’t
dead
. Think on the bright side. For years now, you’ve been walking around half-crazy with worry about Marnie, wanting to take her place, like you said, especially the last few months.”

TJ began to pace, three steps in one direction and four in another. “
If it took a hug and a kiss from a pretty woman to wake you up, well, good for her. Does she know you’re all messed up about what you did, what
she
did? It takes two, you know.”

“
She doesn’t have a clue.” Gillian had never given him a hint that she saw him as anything but her lawyer and maybe an acquaintance she’d seen in the park a few times. But that kiss had probably given him away. That kiss had suggested that maybe she was aware, that maybe she felt something for him. But he’d acted unprofessionally. He couldn’t allow himself to repeat that mistake. No matter how much he wanted to.

TJ reached for his empty bottle, grabbed
Matt’s and took both into the kitchen.

“Stop feeling guilty.
Marnie wouldn’t want that. She’d probably tell you about some primitive tribe and how they handle spousal deaths with a quick roll in the hay with a
bunch
of new partners. He chuckled.  “Do Wes and Carl know about Gillian?” He glanced back to Matt.

“There’s nothing to know. When
they were here, we never talked about my work.”

TJ tented his fingers for a moment. “Well, if they
did
know, would they object to your seeing another woman, now that their mother is gone?”

“
They told me I needed to get out more.” The boys had practically given him their blessing to jump into the social waters.

“
Good for them. You can fill them in later, maybe after they’re back in country.” TJ rose from his chair. “Stand up, man.”

Matt followed order
s.

TJ grabbed Matt and gave him a robust manly hug. “How did that feel? Good?”

The corners of Matt’s mouth quirked upward. “Not quite the same as the one in the park.”

TJ chuckled. “G
lad to hear it.” He patted Matt’s back. “You look like hell. Go upstairs and get a decent night’s sleep. If you’re hung over tomorrow, there’s one bottle left in that little fridge. Hair of the dog. Drink it or take it upstairs so Ursula doesn’t find it. You know how she is about drinking on the job, not that you’ve ever made a habit of that. Follow the good doctor Thomas Jefferson Todd’s advice and call me in the morning. We’ll go out to lunch and plan how to get your cases moving again. I’ve got a new one I’m thinking you should handle instead of me.” He smirked. “Another woman.”