His Desire (2 page)

I
knew what she wanted to hear. Despite the way she chewed and spit out the words, she longed for me to pick them up from the ground, dust them off and make her see a different picture. A reality where this was all some mistake and underneath it all, I was a good man. A man deserving of her.

I'd already let Cole make a liar of me. I wouldn’t make things worse by telling more lies.

“If you’re smart, you’ll get in that car, drive away and never speak to me again.”

There.

I said it.

I’d expected lightning to flash. I’d just told a truth that I’d held in the deep, dark recesses of my mind. That I didn’t deserve her. She deserved better.

“How dare you.”

Her words ripped through me, a hand thrust into my chest, fingers squeezing my heart. I’d expected anger, the acidic burn of disgust. I’d lied to her and come here with murderous intentions. Whether I felt justified or not, I’d reacted to a violent act with more violence. I’d let out the monster inside me, the very beast she’d warned would destroy me. I stood before her, broken, and ready for her to tell me that I was right. That we were done.

I prepared myself for her rage.

I got the opposite.

Her voice was hollowed out, like the bloody knife in the cottage had cut out the pieces that made Leila: the ferocity that first drew me to her, the kindness that thawed out the ice block in my chest, the empathy that moved her to forgive the unforgivable. Her words were fractured, the resigned, jagged sigh of someone that was tired of fighting the inevitable. I could handle anger. But the disappointment I saw in her eyes was infinitely worse.

“How
dare
you!” she repeated shrilly.

I knew it was rhetorical, but the two words tumbled from my lips. “I’m sorry...”

She scowled and I didn’t blame her. An apology was weak. I’d brought her to a foreign country, knowing what dark intentions I had planned while she was sightseeing. ‘I’m sorry’ was appropriate for forgetting to pick up the eggs at the market, or for an offhand comment about your annoying in-laws. What I’d done was too heavy for those two words. An apology was downright insulting.

She erased the annoyance from her face and replaced it with incredulity. “I told you to give me a reason to stay and your answer is to tell me to go? When that didn’t work, you threw out a pathetic, useless apology?”

Her words had barbs but she delivered them with a disconcerting calm. I had no right to touch her, but I couldn’t help myself. I scooped her hair behind her ears. She didn’t shrug from my touch or snarl at me with her eyes. She let me hold her, but she was  far from this place. Far from me.

“Leila, I know what I did was wrong-”

“That's not the point.” Her voice was the eerie silence before something terrible happened. She was in my arms, but I couldn't reach her. “This is
not
about morality. I'm not here to judge you or talk about how violence doesn't get you anywhere. I could tell you how heartbreaking it was when you lied to my face. Or how terrifying it was to walk in on you playing judge, jury, and executioner. But that's not the point. And my question is still unanswered. Why should I stay? Our vows and promises to be half of a whole...does that mean anything to you?”

Her last word were lost in a sob and she dropped her chin to her chest. When I strummed her cheek, she snapped to attention, withdrawing instantly. She took a step backward and the night veiled her, taking away my ability to see just how thoroughly I screwed up.

“No!” Her voice cut through the quiet that surrounded us. She held out both hands. If her words didn’t do the trick, she wanted me to see that she meant it and wanted me to stay away. “You can't touch me like you did before. The man in front of me isn't the man I married.”

I didn't deflect the blow, letting it hit its mark. In my mind, I had shoved aside these repercussions. From the start, I didn't account for the chance that she'd learn my true intentions behind coming to Dublin. But not like this. Not with her standing outside of Cole's hideout, her hands, her sleeves, coated in his blood.

There was no remedy for this pain. No taking back my actions. No apology I could muster that would have the gravity necessary to anchor her to the ground. What I wanted to say would bring me to my knees. I was used to showing strength in times of weakness. I was the force to be reckoned with; I made everyone run for cover or stand tall beside me. I knew how to shut all emotion down and step into the dominant role, to use my own masks to get things done.

But I was confronted with a brutal reality. I didn't have the words that would make her stay, despite everything. There was one thing I wanted. Needed. It wasn’t remotely fair to her.

I wanted her to put aside all reason and stay with me.

Just stay.

I felt pathetic. Weak. Looking into her deep brown eyes, the depth of them expanding by the moment, and I was lost in them. What she'd faced, at Cole's hands, and she still didn't let him bleed...

She put aside the pain that she'd endured and fought for the very man that had wronged her. And even now, all rationality said that she should be out of the energy to give me another chance. Narrowed gaze aside, she was waiting, hoping that I would say the words to make this right.

“To be honest, I have no idea what to say to you, Leila.”

She gave me a look that said we were off to a fantastic start. Her lips twisted into a snarl and she opened her mouth to probably tell me another apology wouldn't cut it.

I narrowed my eyes at her, a look I used when she questioned me behind closed doors. It was a look that made her mouth snap shut, though she jutted her chin out defiantly.

“When we first met, I wanted you,” I began. “I told myself it was sexual but I knew that was false as soon as that thought flitted through my head. I didn't know how I deserved you, and I was certain that at any moment you'd realize just how fucked up I am and all the dollars and cents in the world wouldn't balance the cost of being with me.” I embraced the darkness, the glow from the cottage behind me. I opened up to her, because that was all I had left. Nothing but the truth remained.

“You should stay because I need you. It's selfish, I know that. And after what I did-” I cringed when I realized not even the darkness could cover the red that stained my shirt. That stained my skin, and soaked right down to the bone. The emotion was upon me in an instant, a wild, feral thing, that shredded my mask and I crumbled. “Jesus, I almost killed my brother...”

She had every right to keep her distance. To tell me that I made my bed and so I should lay in it. She had the right to breathe fire and tell me the tears that welled in my eyes still didn't answer her question. Instead, she found me in the dark, gripping the front of my jacket. She balled her fists, the frustration and pain choking her voice. Choking me.

I couldn't hold back. I couldn't control the emotions that swept me up. The wetness on my cheeks was like acid that ate away at my flesh. My vocal chords were on fire, my words a scorched plea. There was only one word that was my salvation. Only one person that stood there with me while the walls collapsed.

“Leila.”

She pulled me in, the hands that had barred me from her clutching me. No one had ever seen me this raw. I'd never felt safe enough to let anyone look at the man behind the mask. But I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't keep my grip on control and the charade if I tried. I'd clutched anger for so long that I wasn't prepared for the weight of the guilt. I wasn't prepared for the love she gave me, even in the face of the horrible things I'd done. To Cole. To her. To myself.

I cradled her face, fighting the urge to shut down. To at least take a moment to rein my emotions in so the tears wouldn't drench my words.

Not tonight. Not anymore.

“I have never needed anyone, anything more than I need you, Leila.”

She blinked up at me through the pain. The worry. The ache.

“Even in my darkest hour, the only thing that kept me from completely losing myself was you.”

She dropped her eyes. She didn't need to say the obvious truth. My words meant very little with us standing here, my brother bloodied and bound back in the cottage.

“Hey,” I said gently.

She tugged her eyes back up at me, her jaw tightened.

“I know...I still...I planned to...” I sucked in a breath from behind my clenched teeth. “I am going to stumble. I am going to fall. It's no excuse. You don't deserve this, any of this. But damn it, Lay, I can't live without you. You should stay because without you, I'm lost. You should stay because when you look at me, hope flickers inside of me. The hope that someday, somehow, I'll be the man that you see.”

She closed her eyes and I stopped breathing. She was going to say that wasn't enough. I was going to lose her forever.

But she didn't walk away, or tell me that it was over. She nuzzled my hand, pressing a kiss into my palm before she looked up at me with love shining in her gaze.

“There is no someday or somehow. I'm not delusional, my head's not in the clouds, my heart isn’t painting some picture that doesn't exist. You
are
the man I see, Jacob. Beautifully flawed, stubborn...but you love fiercely. You're a good man, not a villain. Not hopeless. You're human.” She stroked my cheek, a smile dancing across her lips. “That wall isn't as impenetrable as you think. Because I see you. And I love you.” She dropped her hands and stood at attention. She'd said her piece, and now it was time for action. “What's done is done. Now, let's make this right.”

She started back toward the cottage, the wind catching her jacket. Making it flutter behind her like wings.

She stopped just short of the door, turning back to me with her hand extended.

I exhaled, knowing that she was giving me a chance. That she was giving me her heart. I wouldn't waste one more moment wondering why I deserved it. From now on, I'd dedicate myself to being the partner that she deserved. The man beneath the mask.

C
ole didn’t look at me.

As much as it pained me to admit, I didn't blame him. I was grateful there were no reflective surfaces because I didn't want to look at myself either.

The wounds I'd inflicted showed no mercy. The redness at his jaw made me ache, subconsciously pulling my hand to my own as a phantom ache spread over me. I didn't get very far in taking stock of the damage because his neck was a glaring, sobering blow of guilt. It only intensified when Leila gingerly reached for the towel, her body tense with worry.

“We really should call a hospital. A doctor? Someone.”

“For this?” Cole grimaced and I hated that my heart dropped an inch. Just an inch. “This is just a scratch.”

Was he joking? My momentary lapse was instantly forgotten. I moved to him like lightning, no spark necessary for me to be consumed with the need to give him something to joke about. “Do not take my change of heart as some sort of license to forget the gravity of this situation.”

“Jacob,” Leila pleaded, glancing back at me warily.

“It's okay.”

Something in Cole's voice drew our eyes back to him. It didn't command attention. It wasn't an explosion in the silence. It was quiet. The tone one used when you'd reached the edge and there was nothing you wanted more than to embrace the inevitable and jump.

“You think the gravity of this situation is lost on me? I'm not making jokes because I'm in denial or just a fucking asshole. I laugh because the alternative is far worse. The alternative leaves me one option and one alone.” He met my gaze. There was no jump. No letting go. In the eyes that looked so much like my mother's, I watched my brother plunge into his own darkness. “I would have saved you the trouble of tracking me down, because there would be no one to find. Instead of coming here to off me, you'd have to settle for a news blurb about some John Doe found in some disabled car or cold and unresponsive in a tub in a cheap motel.” Tears blurred his eyes. Dulled my anger. “I bought a gun, you know. Every night, I take it out and hold it to my temple...and-” A sob cut off the graphic image.

I was the one that broke eye contact, looking to Leila. She was just staring at him, her mouth agape. Something in her horror struck a nerve  and I knew I didn't want or need to hear anymore about my brother's suicidal ideation.

“If you think I'm going to stand here while you tell us how hard you've had it after what you did-”

“You have no idea what he did,” Leila cut in coldly.

I could blame it on the situation, standing in what was supposed to be my brother's resting place, with my wife knee deep in it with me...my emotions had teeth. It usually took no effort at all to ignore the bite of them, but not tonight. Tonight, they gripped me and wouldn't let go. The frustration that clouded my eyes would have normally been cleared or hidden before she noticed. But she saw it, and a sad smile darkening her face as she threw both hands up in surrender.

“But how would you know what he did? I haven't said a word besides vague ‘he's not a part of it’.” She drew her arms tight around her, holding herself. “You have no idea what 'it' is because I haven't uttered a word.” She drew her eyes back to Cole, her shoulders dropping. “Secrets are poison. Tonight is clear proof of that. The truth is no cakewalk, but if I'd talked to you about what happened to me-” She paused and scrunched her face in pain. “Before you go all alpha and say this isn't on little ol’ me, big bad Cole and his sister are at fault and it's your job to protect me, I'm not done. I'm not the only one that kept secrets.” She speared me with a look. “You orchestrated this whole trip as a front to hunt down Cole.” She threw a scowl in Cole's direction. “And you were keeping secrets from the moment you entered Jacob's life. Our lives.” She looked up at the ceiling, like she couldn't stand to look at anyone. “Secrets brought us to this point and I refuse to spend one more second clutching my own.” The wind whistled through the room and she dodged to the door. I watched her, wondering if she was contemplating making a break for it. She closed it instead, quietly leaning against it. Her eyes were frozen on a threadbare rug near her, but I knew that she wasn't looking at his furnishings at all. She was lost in the memories.