Authors: David Hamilton
I Heart Me (7 page)
While I don't have any human children as I write this, I am âdaddy' to Oscar. He can be a nervous dog at times. His big YouTube hit
4
sees him afraid to cross the threshold of our front door to begin his first walk as a three-month-old puppy. He's still very much the same today â not with leaving our house, but with going into other people's houses.
As well as self-love, some of my major life challenges have been its offspring â self-confidence, fear and anxiety. It is possible, likely even, that Oscar somehow learned some habits from me. With hindsight, I probably would have done some things differently when he was a puppy. At the time, though, I thought I was doing what was best for Oscar.
While he is unlikely to blame me for his challenges (mostly because he's a dog), I would hope that if he were human, he would understand that I, too, have had my difficulties in life but have always loved him very much and always acted in the way I felt was best at the time. If he himself ever became a parent, I'd hope he'd pass the same sentiment on to his puppies.
Understanding, rather than blame, has to be the way forward for all of us.
Let's start by taking a trip to the self-love gymâ¦
SELF-LOVE GYM:How Much Are You Like Your Parents?
- If you're really honest, how much do you resemble either your mum or dad, or both your parents, in:
â¦your behaviour?
â¦your attitude and thinking?
â¦your beliefs?
â¦how you react to challenges?
â¦how you look at people or the world?
- Are there any themes in your life that are similar to those of either or both of your parents? For instance, are you with a similar partner to your mum or dad, or does your theme of success or failure follow that of either of your parents, or do you have similar health conditions? Similar themes indicate similar beliefs, mindsets, ways of looking at the world and self-worth.
- If you have identified similarities to your parents that are not serving you, think about how you could change your thoughts, actions and beliefs to declare that you are enough. Then write them down. For instance, you might write:
â
Even though my parents had low self-worth, I am now moving through life with confidence, courage and respect for myself.
'Or, if you have the same lifestyle-related health issue as a parent, you might write:
â
I am the master of my health. I am inspired to eat nutritious food and I treat my body with love and respect.
'Or perhaps you've identified a similarity with financial struggle, in which case you might write something like:
â
I no longer repeat the financial fortunes of my parents. Every day I am making inspired choices and putting ideas into practice that are reaping great financial rewards.
' - Repeat these statements 10 times each morning and 10 times each evening.
It's empowering to recognize that life is not happening to you, but that learned patterns are shaping many of its events and circumstances. The power in this exercise is in recognizing the patterns in your life that you have learned from your parents and prising yourself away from those that don't serve you anymore.
Some of us have had good childhoods, others more difficult ones. Complete the following exercise if you feel that your low self-worth was shaped by your childhood.
SELF-LOVE GYM:How Did Your Self-Worth Issues Arise?
- Did your parents often praise you? Did they criticize you? Did they shame you?
- How did your mum typically speak to you? What about your dad? Your siblings?
- Did any of your school experiences affect your sense of self-worth? If so, which?
- Did anyone else, or any other situation, mould your self-worth?
- Estimate the self-worth levels of your parents.
- If you were to estimate your own level of self-worth, how closely would it match that of your parents?
As I mentioned earlier, it's quite important that you don't go blaming your parents for your self-worth difficulties. If your life hasn't gone to plan so far, it's easy to conclude that it was the fault of your mother or father, but most parents are simply trying to do the best they can do given their knowledge and experiences in life. Many are also trying to balance their
responsibilities as parents with the other pressures, often financial and work-related.
If you do find yourself angry about your childhood, try the following exercise to understand your parents better.
Please note that this exercise isn't intended for people who have been abused or badly mistreated. If you have suffered severe abuse, I'd recommend you speak to a trained and compassionate specialist.
SELF-LOVE GYM:What Was Their Intention?
Thinking about how your parents behaved towards you as a child, ask yourself, âWhat was their intention?'
Sit with the question for a little while. Try putting yourself in their shoes. Do you really think they intended to make you unhappy? Could it be that they were just trying to do what they thought was best for you? Perhaps they wanted you to be successful in the world and were so passionate about your potential that they pressured you because they wanted you to realize it, believing it would make you happiest in the long term.
Parents often want more for their children than they had themselves. But they may not fully explain that to their children and it's easy to misinterpret their actions as not loving their children.
A lot of parents are just trying to do what they believe is best given their knowledge, experience and resources, and these won't be infallible. Parents screw up. People screw up. Everybody screws up. But everybody is trying to do the best they can. Welcome to life!
If we can accept that no one's perfect, we can start to untangle some of our emotions. We can even learn to laugh at what happened to us in the past. We can laugh at ourselves, not in a berating, judgemental way but in a compassionate way that says, âThis is what I did or how I was â how insane was that?! Ha, ha, ha!'
If you are a parent yourself, through understanding the roots of your own sense of self-worth you can effectively empower your own children. And empower them you can. Whether you are a parent or a teacher, an educator, carer, aunt, uncle, family friend or neighbour, you can have an impact on the self-esteem of children.
It's up to us all, as parents, educators or family, to teach children in ways that give them self-worth.
If we criticize them, they learn to criticize themselves and others.
If we teach them acceptance and understanding, they learn to accept themselves and others.
If we show them how to be grateful, they learn to appreciate themselves and others.
But if we teach them shame, they learn to hold back and be apprehensive.
If we show them honesty, they learn to be honest with themselves and fair with others.
If we share with them, they learn to be kind.
If we teach them friendliness, they learn to bond and form relationships.
And if we teach them that they
are
enough, they learn that they
are
enough and their future is bright!
In summary⦠We learn to have low self-esteem. It's often through being shamed, being criticized or being in the presence of a person (or people) with low self-esteem and learning from their habits.
Of course, most parents don't intend to sap self-worth from their children. They usually learned their parenting strategies from their own parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. Most parents simply want what's best for their children and we can help ourselves to move on in life if we remember that.
Is there any advantage to understanding that a self-love deficit was learned? Yes, there's a huge advantage. The first step towards a healthy level of self-esteem is
realizing
that it was learned. We then naturally arrive at
the conclusion that we weren't born that way. If we feel unworthy of love, happiness, money, great relationships, success or anything else that life has to offer, it's simply down to what we've learned. And this insight is where the magic lies, because if we've learned it, we can also unlearn it.
Read on and find out howâ¦
How to Use Your Body to Change How You Feel
âOur bodies change our minds.'
A
MY
C
UDDY
When I was child at school, I remember being taught a little song that I later learned was from
The King and I
. It was about making believe you were brave even when you were afraid. Fake it 'til you make it!
When we feel happy, it's usually written all over our face. It also comes across in our body language: our shoulders, the way we walk, stand or sit, how we breathe. The same can be said when we're feeling sad or stressed: our face and body convey it.
This much most people know, but what few know is that it goes the other way too. Just as our mind affects our body, our body also affects our mind.
A lot of what we now know about this comes from studying animals. If a dog is nervous, notice that its tail tucks into its rear. If you lift its tail up, it actually lifts the dog's confidence.
We can consciously use our body to change how we feel about ourselves. In my experience, it's actually about the fastest way to change how you feel at any moment.
It works because body and mind are intertwined. Most people think of emotion as just a feeling, but did you know that it is actually smeared throughout your body?
The diagram below shows what I call our 4-Component Emotion (4CE).
