Authors: Amelia Whitmore
Kickoff for Love (7 page)
I was sitting around the fire with some of my friends, anxiously waiting for Ashley to show up so I could introduce her to them. I drank sprite tonight, knowing how uncomfortable it made Ashley the last time I had a beer.
My buddy, Tim, had just told a funny joke when I felt somebody tap my back. I spun around to see Lindsey. Quickly I looked around for Ashley, a little confused when I couldn't see her. "Where's Ashley?" I asked.
Lindsey had a confused but pained look on her face. "I don't know what happened. One second she was fine, and the next she was running, saying she couldn't be here.” She said in a daze, as though she couldn't really figure out what had happened.
"What do you mean she was running? Where'd she go?" I asked immediately.
Lindsey pointed down the highway. I could just barely see Ashley’s figure running to her car. I bolted after her. I might have made it to her too, if only everybody hadn't been stopping me to tell me how good of a job I did at the game. "ASHLEY!" I yelled.
I saw her twist her head right before she opened her car door. She just shook it and climbed in, driving away moments later.
'What the hell just happened?' I asked myself, running my hand through my hair, deciding what I needed to do.
I turned around to find Lindsey and Bryan standing there. I walked up to them. "Do you guys have any idea why she left?" I asked slowly.
Lindsey just shook her head, close to tears. Bryan bit the inside of his cheek. "I don't know exactly what happened. One second she was fine, looking for you. Then she found you and her face just looked like she realized something. I don't know what she realized. I think it made her mind up and hurt her at the same time." He said, shaking his head to get his thoughts in order.
"What the hell?" I growled to myself. I hated it that she wouldn't talk to me about these things. I'd talked to her about running away, but she can't help herself. I called her phone.
After a few rings, I was sure it would go to voicemail. Instead, I heard her voice. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Where are you? I'll meet you there." I told her quickly.
"You can't follow me, Andy." She told me softly.
I growled. "God Damn it, Ashley! What the hell is going through your head? I don't even know what's wrong." I said, at the end. My voice was pleading.
"Just stay at the party. Celebrate your victory, okay? You did an amazing job out there today. Now you need to spend time with your friends, drinking and having a good time. I understand, okay?" She said. I heard her voice break towards the end.
"What are you talking about?" I asked irritated.
"Just enjoy your party, Andy." She whispered before ending the call.
I walked into my house and found my brothers playing with blocks on the floor. "Hey, guys!" I said, trying to keep my voice from wobbling with tears. "What are we playing?" I asked.
"Bwocks," Perry exclaimed.
I put on an exaggerated smile. "Oh cool, can I play?" I really needed to get my mind off of Andy. The look on his face when I left, then the sound of his voice on my phone, made me feel so bad.
They both looked like I had given them a million dollars. "hew," Louis said, pushing me a couple of his blocks.
"Thank you, buddy!" I said, ruffling his hair.
For the next half an hour, I played blocks with my little brothers. They managed to keep me distracted. But soon enough, the doorbell was ringing. Dad answered it and came into the living room. "Ashley, Richmond's here. Why does he look like he was run over by a freight truck?" He asked.
I shrugged and went back to playing with the blocks. "Aren't you going to answer the door?" He asked, confused.
I shook my head, two tears falling from my eyes. "No," I whispered.
Dad just looked at me concerned.
"Is everything okay honey? You two seemed fine at the game today.” He said, shifting from one foot to the other, definitely uncomfortable with the conversation.
I shrugged. "We were." I said my voice breaking. I looked at Perry and Louis, who were watching me with concern. I gave them the best smile I could and told them I'd be right back. I walked over to Dad. "He's a college guy Dad. He needs to be with people who are like him. People he can enjoy a drink with, who like going to parties. That's not me. I can't do that. Every time I smell alcohol I feel nauseous. It's not fair to him.” I said, crying lightly now.
"Sweetie, what are you talking about?" He asked, rubbing my arms lightly.
I shook my head. "Nothing, don't worry about it." I said as another tear fell.
I went to the door. "Ashley, are you okay?" Dad asked, wondering if he should get rid of Andy himself. I nodded. "I'm fine.”
I opened the door to see a much disheveled looking Andy. He looked a mixture of relieved and annoyed to see me. "Hi." I said softly, crossing my arms across my chest.
"Hi? You run away from me at a party, tell me that we're done dating and hang up on me. All you can say is 'Hi'?" He asked, running his hands through his hair while pacing across the steps.
I shrugged my shoulders, telling myself to keep my voice calm, keep my poker face strong. "What else should I say?" I asked.
He looked at me hopefully. "How about 'I'm sorry about what I did. It was a mistake and I really want us to forget it ever happened."
I felt a sob rise in my throat, but I held it back. I blinked a few times to keep my tears from spilling over. "I can't say that," were the only words I could manage.
"Why?!" He asked desperately, holding onto my shoulders. "Why can't you just give us a chance? You're always running away. Why won't you just stop?" He asked, sounding agitated.
"Because I'll End Up Like My Mother," I yelled! Immediately covering my mouth with my hand, wishing I could take it back.
He looked so confused. "What?" He asked after a moment.
I stayed silent, praying for God to reverse time and let me not say that. "Ashley, what do you mean?" He asked softly.
I moved away from him and sat on the porch. "I'm already too much like her. The same hair color, eyes and, face. I hate her. I hate that I give her this control over me. I hate that I run from everything, but I can't stop myself. I never wanted to hurt you. Andy, honestly, I didn't. But you can't be happy with me. I'm going to drag you down like she did with everybody she met. You won't get to follow your dreams. I can't have that on my shoulders.” I paused, trying to catch my breath. The mixture of crying and talking was wearing me out. "I'm pathetic, okay? Lindsey is the first friend I've had for longer than I can remember. I even tried to avoid that.” I couldn't keep talking, so I just cried.
Andy rubbed my back soothingly. "Tell me about your mom." He said softly.
"No." I said on a sob, shaking my head.
"Please tell me? I won't hold it against you." He whispered against my shoulder.
"Yes you will. You won't be able to help it." I told him.
"Let me decide." he coaxed.
I was silent for a few minutes, deciding if I should actually tell him. "I know that Lindsey told you about my Mom being an alcoholic." I began. After the date, Lindsey had texted me, telling me she'd told him. I hadn't minded much. I was actually numb about the whole subject.
"That's all I thought it was at first. I thought she just liked drinking. As I got older, I realized how often she went out partying, just how little time she spent home. I used to beg her to stay. Not to leave me with the babysitter, but she'd go anyways. One night, the babysitter ended up getting sick halfway through the night, so she dropped me off with my Mom.” I shivered at the memory. "She shoved me into a closet, telling me to keep my mouth shut. The closet doors had these shades on them, making it so that when I looked out of the slit, I could see the room. I watched my mother do a line of cocaine. At the time I didn't realize what it was. I learned a few years later in a health class.”
"That was the first time I'd ever seen my Mom do drugs, but not the last. After that night, I guess she felt free to bring her bad habits home because there were more and more parties. I was allowed to play in my room for most of the night, but then she'd shove me into my closet and tell me not to come out until she came to get me. I still don't even know what was happening, or why I needed to be in the closet. She had countless amounts of 'boyfriends'. None of which stayed long. We moved twelve times, I think, from the time I was five until I was ten. After that, she met Steve, and we moved in with him. I thought she had changed, that she loved me now. Then I was packed up and shipped off to Dad's before I even realized what had happened.”
We were both silent for a while before Andy spoke up. "Honey, I don't know how hard that must have been, but I can imagine. I'm so sorry you went through that. I just don't understand why you can't be with me.”
I sighed. "I can't go partying. I won't have a normal college life. I hate alcohol because I've seen what it can do. The other night, when you ordered a beer, I about had a panic attack. I can't ask you not to drink, but I can't be with you if you do. That's not fair to you. What if I start using people like she did? What if I start to make the same mistakes?" I asked, stating my worst fears in life. "I can't do that to you, and I won't. I'm so sorry Andy. You don't deserve somebody like me in your life. You need somebody who can celebrate with you, go to beach parties with people your own age and not worry about the messed up person you brought with you." I said.
"Ashley, stop." he said calmly. "You can't decide things like this for me. I'm perfectly able to make up my own mind about things. When it comes to you, I'm already made up. I don't know how it happened, or when it started, but I love you. I don't know what it means yet, but I felt like my world had ended when I watched you drive away. I want you in my life. If that means no drinking, then I won't drink. If I can't go to parties with my friends, then I won't.” I cut him off.
"No, that's not okay. You need to go to parties with your friends. You need to keep those people close. I saw you tonight, around the fire. You looked so happy. I won't take that away from you, we’d both resent me for it. I need you to have a happy life because I love you too. But that doesn't change anything. I'll still end up hurting you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that." I said, shaking my head.
"You're hurting me now, Ashley." He said, his voice pleading. "Don't you see that you're running? That if I let you leave right now I won't get you back? I don't want that. I am happy with you, alright? I'll go with you to see a therapist or something, but I won't let you go. I can't let you go." He said, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me to his body.
I sobbed into his shirt. "I don't know what to do." I said, clinging to him.
"Let me stay." He whispered, kissing my head. "Just let me stay.”
I sat there, clutching his shirt in my fists, battling with myself on what to do. Should I stay, for once, and be selfish? Or run, like always, because it's best for him?
'She loves me?' I kept repeating to myself in my head. If it's love, then she won't leave. She'll let us be together, and I'll help her be happy. Promises to her kept running through my head, but none of them seemed to fit. How could I promise her things would be okay when she's so terrified of herself? I always knew she was strong, but here, seeing her on the brink, was heartbreaking.
'She loves me. She won't push me away. She loves me. She won't push me away.' I kept praying. Maybe if I said it enough, it'd be true.
"Ashley, baby, let me stay." I said against her hair, dropping a kiss afterward. She took a ragged breath and pulled away a little, looking into my eyes.
"I can't promise you anything, but I can't leave you. I'm sorry, it's so selfish of me, but I can't." She said. A look of sorrow in her eyes, sorrow for me because she's staying. I had all I could do not to yelp with joy.
I pressed a kiss against her lips. "I love you, Ashley. Believe me when I say that. We'll make it work, I promise." I whispered to her.
I felt so bad for telling Andy I'd stay. Not that I had any intention of not staying. I couldn't help feeling as though I'd let him down in some way, making it so that he'd missed a chance at happiness. I love him. Which is weird, because I didn’t even see it coming? One second, I was fine just dating him. The next I felt like my heart was beating so hard it would fall out of my chest. What did that football player do to me?
"Talk to me." Andy murmured against my hair. We'd been sitting on my front porch for the past half an hour in silence.
"I don't want to hurt you, Andy. I can't help feeling like I did something wrong when I said I wouldn't leave.” I whispered, looking into the distance.
"Please don't change your mind.” He said, panic seeping into his voice.
I gave him a half smile and cupped his cheek. "I won't change my mind. I'm just worried that you'll change yours.” I explained. That was the truth of it. No matter how awful I felt about agreeing to be with him, it just made it even harder that he could leave at any moment.
"I'm not about to change my mind.” He said, his arms squeezing me closer to his body. I nodded and we sat in silence for the next few minutes.
"Do you want to meet my brothers?" I asked randomly.
He glanced down at me, almost confused. I explained a bit. "Sorry, that kind of came out of nowhere. I'm tired of being depressive. I feel like I'm trying to get sympathy or something. Right now, I just want to go inside and be with my brothers, and feel normal for a little bit.”
Andy stood and held his hand out to help me up. "Come on then, I'd love to meet them.” He said as I grabbed his hand.
We walked inside to find that they were all eating dinner. "Richmond,” Dad greeted.
"Hey, Coach.” Andy said a little nervously.
Angela spoke up. "Well don't just stand there, you two. Sit down.” She said, pointing to the two empty plates on the table. Without releasing his hand, I led Andy to the table and sat, scooting over on our bench seats so he could sit by me.
I glanced at Dad and he was giving me a look that asked 'are you okay?' I just nodded and gave him a sad smile, telling him 'right now I'm sad. But I'll be okay in the morning,' because it was true. Everything seems so much worse when it happens. I'll wake up tomorrow and be much calmer, and feel a bit embarrassed at how I handled myself today. . . hopefully.
"Bonjour, mon nom est Angela.” She greeted. When Andy looked over at me and looked completely confused, I translated. "That's Angela, and she says hello. She's my mother.” I told him, noticing the look of surprise when I introduced her as such.
He nodded. "Hello, I'm Andy.” He said almost shyly.
Perry smiled brightly. "I Perry. This my little broder, Louis.” He said with a cute smile on his face.
Andy grinned at them. "Nice to meet you both. How old are you guys?" He asked in a gentle voice.
"I four.” Perry piped up and let Louis answer for himself.
"Two.” Louis said quietly, holding up three fingers. I reached across the table and put my finger on the third one.
"Remember what we were working on buddy?" I asked. He looked at his hand and smiled. "Oops.” He giggled and lowered one finger.
"PERFECT!" I exclaimed, making him squeal in delight.
"Ash," Perry looked at me with a curious look on his face.
"Yeah, honey?" I asked.
"Why he a boy?" He wondered causing me to laugh. I'd never brought a guy over to the house before.
"Well, do you know what cooties are?" I asked. He stuck his tongue out and scrunched his nose up.
"Cooties are icky.” He pouted.
I held my laugh back. "Well, when you're about my age, those cooties go away. You'll start to like girls, just like Andy likes me.” I told him.
He looked doubtful but nodded as he eyed Andy warily.
Dinner went smoothly after that. Everybody did their best to include Andy into their conversations and he fit in really well. Afterward, we went up to my bedroom, with the agreement that we wouldn't close the door.
"Nice room.” He said as he walked in. I glanced around doubtfully.
"It's fine.” I agreed. There was nothing special about my room. The walls were a beige color and the only color I had in there was my bedspread. I didn't have very many pictures, so the walls were fairly bare. The only thing I liked about it was that the floor was wooden.
We both relaxed on my bed, his arm around my shoulders and my head leaning against his chest. "I'm sorry.” I sighed. Now, after everything, the whole incident seemed silly.
"Don't be sorry.” He said against my hair.
"But I am. I over-reacted and it wasn't fair to you.” I told him, turning so I could see his face. He kissed my lips softly.
"I don't know. I mean, it sucked and everything. Thinking that you wouldn't let me in, but you did. Now I know more about you so I'm not sorry it happened.” He explained.
I shrugged. "Still, I don't like that I did that. I swear I'm not this crazy person only you've had the privilege of meeting.” I told him seriously. "I'm usually laid back and calm. But around you, I blow things out of proportion. I'm nervous, and unsure of myself,” I said.
"It's because I'm so hot.” He said. I burst out laughing and when I turned to look at him, he was pouting. "That reaction was a little uncalled for.” He whined.
I tried not to giggle. "I'm sorry. Will your ego be able to handle it?" I asked as I cupped his cheek.
He stuck his lip out a little more. "I don't know. You may have to kiss me better.” He couldn't stop the grin from appearing on his face. I smiled and reached up, meeting his lips with mine. The kiss was slow and gentle. Both of us giving ourselves and receiving the other. His arms wrapped tightly around my body as my left arm wrapped around his neck; and my right hand tangled itself in his hair.
He moved us so that he was lying partially on top of me. We'd never made out on a bed or horizontal surface before. So this was a new experience. I lifted my leg and wrapped it around one of his. His tongue pushing against my lips was gentle but urgent at the same time. I opened my mouth to his and caressed his tongue with mine. His arm went to the bottom of my shirt and I felt his fingers slowly creeping up my stomach. The feeling of his skin on mine gave me goose bumps and I shivered.
"Are you cold?" He asked, not taking his lips from mine.
I shook my head. "No.” I gasped out, my breathing getting heavier by the second.
He moved his lips from mine and made his way to my ear. Nibbling every now and then as he went. Andy sucked on my lobe and bit down gently, making me gasp. He trailed kissed down to my neck and licked at my collar bone. The sensation was too much for me and I moaned lightly. I felt Andy's grin against my skin. I opened my eyes and realized just where we were. In my bedroom, with the door wide open. Two little brothers in the house liked seeing their sister and could walk in to visit anytime.
I pulled lightly at Andy's head, lifting his face from where it had been sucking at my neck. "We should stop.” I said disappointedly. I saw from the look on his face that he thought I was rejecting him. "I don't want to. If my brothers come in to say goodnight and see you on top of me, they may ask questions they're not old enough to know the answers to.” I explained. He nodded once and pulled me back to where I was before this started. My head rested against his chest and his arms wrapped around me.
Andy stayed another two hours before Dad told him, politely, that he needed to leave. I kissed him goodbye and watched him drive away. I was so exhausted from the day's events that when I got upstairs, I fell asleep as soon as I lay down.
The next day, I was about to go over to Andy's when my cell phone rang. It was my mom. I debated whether to answer it or not. I decided to risk it. "Hello?" I asked.
"Ashley! Hi honey, how are you?" She asked excitedly. I grimaced.
"I'm okay, how are you?" I asked, purely out of politeness, not because I cared.
"Well, Steve left me…” She said, trailing off at the end.
I rolled my eyes. "Why?" I asked bored.
"Conflicting lifestyles,” She said simply.
"Well, sorry about that. He seemed like a really good guy.” I said, shrugging my shoulders and rolling my eyes. It's not like she could see me anyways.
"I'm not. He was so uptight and rigid. Never letting me do what I wanted,” She said. I rolled my eyes again.
"Was there something you wanted?" I asked, wondering why she called.
She chuckled. "Well, now that Steve's gone, you can come home again.” She said as though that explained everything.
I froze and felt nauseous. "I'm not living with you again,” I told her.
"Of course, you are honey. I'll send you a bus ticket in the mail. You can be here within a week.” She said happily.
"I'm not coming back to you.” I told her slowly. My words sounding harsh, even to my own ears.
"You have no choice Ashley. You're coming home.” She said irritated.
"Good luck with that.” I said before I hung up on her. I immediately called Dad, who was out having a brunch with a few of his old college buddies.
"Hello?" He asked, sounding like he just got done laughing.
"Dad," I asked my voice full of the tears I was refusing to spill.
"Ashley honey, what's wrong?" His voice worried now.
"She says she's going to make me go back.” I said, tears spilling over, the fear coming out.
"Who's 'she'?" He asked.
"Mom,” I said loudly. I heard him gasp.
"She what," He whispered.
I was crying now, like actually crying, not just a few tears. "She says that Steve dumped her and that I can come home now. She said I don't get a choice.”
"I'm coming home.” He said quickly. "I'll see you in about fifteen minutes, okay?" He asked.
I nodded, and then realized that he couldn't see me. "Okay,” I whispered before I hung up.
The next person I called was Andy. "Hey, honey. I thought you were coming over.” He said happily on the other end. I let out a sob. "Ashley? Baby, are you okay?" He asked quickly.
"I-I c-can't co-come over to-day.” I said, crying harder.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice making me tell him.
"My mom just called.” I said, and then started crying harder, unable to talk anymore. So I hung up and went up to my room to cry in my bed.
About five minutes went by before I heard feet stomping up the steps, stopping at my room before the door burst open. Andy was at my side within the next second. He pulled me to him, holding me as close as humanly possible. "Shhh, shhh,” He kept whispering in my ear. I calmed down eventually until I was only sniffling and taking hiccupping breaths. A few tears still slipped out, but I wasn't sobbing anymore. "Can you tell me what happened now?" He asked softly.
I stayed silent for a few more minutes. "She told me that I had to go back.” I said monotonously.