Lemons 02 A Touch of Danger (3 page)

Well, sure as shit, right as Friday and Gannon were about to seize their crook, the buzz-killers came-a-knocking.

“Uncle Archie! It’s us! Eric and Elliot and Mommy! We’re ready to go!” they screamed from outside. “Open the door! We’re ready!”

I let out an audible sigh, rolled my fat ass to the end of the bed, and got to my feet just as the Dragnet theme music started to play. I made my way to the door and opened it to reveal three smiling faces, and one lazy, apathetic dog.

“Alright, alright, I’m ready guys. Let me just go change my t-shirt. This one still has that awkward car seat sweat stain on it.”

“Ok, hurry Uncle Archie!” Elliot yelled in excitement at me.

I invited them in and opened up my suitcase in search for a new t-shirt as I explained to Elise the amazingness of the RTV Network. She seemed less thrilled with it than I did. Girls, I tell ya. They never appreciate the classics.

I successfully fished a clean shirt from my suitcase and peeled my current, stinky and sweaty one off me, revealing the scars from my gunshot wounds.

“You look like the 50 Cent, Uncle Archie,” Eric informed me.

“First off,” I tell him, “how do you know who 50 Cent is, and second off, I’m way cooler than that guy. Check out this wound right here,” I say as I point to my most prolific gunshot wound. “See, way cooler. You should call me, like, 75 Cent.”

My joke got a cheap laugh and I finished getting dressed so we could go. Before we made it out the door, Elise finally spoke up. “Is that an Eve 6 shirt?” she asked.

“Why yes it is,” I tell her. “Thanks for noticing.”

“Jesus, Archie, where the heck do you find these shirts you wear?”

“Um, in the nineties. Where stuff was way more badass than it is now.”

“Jesus, and you just hold on to them for a decade then break them out at random?”

“Negative, Ms. Reynolds. I wear them all the time; you just don’t notice my amazing wardrobe. And besides, why are you bagging on my Eve 6 shirt?”

“Um, because they’re a totally forgotten nineties band that haven’t had a record in a decade, but yet, you still wear their merch. You realize there are new bands out now, right?”

“Oh come on,” I say. “New bands suck! I keep it rill. I gots tons of these, yo.”

“You’re like a walking billboard for the Can’t Hardly Wait soundtrack.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. She got me. “Come on, jerk faces, let’s go.”

I grabbed Wrecker by the leash and led my family out into the crisp clean air, closing and locking the motel door behind us.

5.

Shell Beach is a really small town, with one main drag that is just a little over a mile long, which cuts through the entire town. Our motel was located right in the middle of this street, so we decided to walk down the hill to a little park on the cliff overlooking the ocean. It was an easy walk that only took about five minutes, not counting the couple times we stopped to look at a few houses that were for sale, none of which we would ever be able to afford.

Once we made it down to the little park, I can’t really say it provided me with very much relaxation. In fact, it made me a nervous wreck. There was only the bare minimum of a railing protecting someone from falling off onto the deadly rocks below and nothing but a mere chain guarding the tip of the cliff. Amazingly enough, I have no problem with heights now, but with the two kids running around like mad-men, not paying one bit of attention to a word any adult says, and a dog who was too lazy to even look where he was stepping , it was enough to trigger a mild panic attack. I reached into my sweatshirt pocket, retrieved one of my pills, popped it in my mouth, and did my best to swallow it without having to use the cesspool of a drinking fountain. It didn’t work and I almost choked to death on it. I checked my dignity at the door and used the water fountain, trying not to think of all the disease I was swallowing down. Note to self: Always bring a bottle of water with me from now on.

“Is Archie Lemons drinking from a public water fountain?” I heard Elise call out to me.

“Don’t remind me, E. It was an emergency. Trust me. How are you not panicking with these kids running around so close to the edge of this cliff?”

“They’re not stupid, Archie. They know not to get too close.”

“Well, they’re about to give me a heart attack.”

“What a wuss,” she says to me, then calls out to the kids, “Guys, come here for a second.” The kids come running over to us, shockingly enough. “Tell Uncle Archie that you are old enough to know not to play too close to the edge of the cliff.”

“Duh, Uncle Archie, we don’t want to fall off,” Eric tells me.

“Yeah, Uncle Archie. We’re big boys!” Elliot informs me.

“Fine, fine,” I surrender. “Just be careful. You guys want to go check out the telescope?”

“The what?” they both ask.

“The telescope. The giant metal thing at the end of the park with the two, giant Wall-E eyes. You look through it and you can see far out onto the ocean and look at the rocks and ships and stuff.”

“Oh yeah!”

The kids ran over to the telescope and Elise and I eventually sauntered on over. When we arrived, the kids were fighting over who would get to look first and literally pulling each other off trying to catch that first glimpse.

We let the kids settle their own argument and Elise, Wrecker and I walked to the edge of the cliff and looked out towards the ocean. About a mile away lie three enormous houses built out on the rocks, with giant glass windows giving, what I imagined to be, breathtaking views of the ocean and the waves crashing down below.

“It must be nice to be rich,” Elise said to me.

“Yeah, but sometimes these people just take everything for granted and they don’t even realize what they have. When we come here on vacation, we get to fully enjoy everything. So, rich smitch, who cares?” It was a total ramble of bullshit, but I guess Elise got my point. She rested her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her and we watched the waves for a few more minutes until the kids started yelling at us from the telescope.

“MOM!!!” Elliot yelled. “IT’S YOUR TURN TO LOOK IN THE WALL-E!!! MOM!!! MOM!!! DID YOU HEAR ME, MOM?! IT’S YOUR TURN!!!”

“Yes, son. I hear you.” She clenched her eyes shut tight, then asked me, “This is supposed to be a relaxing vacation, right?”

“Come on,” I tell her, “we’ll have fun. I promise. Let’s go get some goddamn food, I am starving.”

“Sounds good to me. Can this food be accompanied by a few beers?”

“Beer tastes like ass, but if you want some, have at it.” She took her head off my shoulder and we turned and walked towards the kids, Wrecker trailing behind us, as usual.

Elise took a quick peak through the telescope then told the kids it was time to go get some dinner. We took the long way back up the hill, walking along the cliff-line until it dead-ended and we had no choice but to head back up.

I must say, the way back up was nowhere near as easy as the walk down. I had no idea we came down such a steep decline coming down there, and I am really paying the price now for being so out of shape. Elise and the kids seemed to have no problem but Wrecker and I were falling way behind.

“Hey, maybe if you had been wearing some Shape-Ups you wouldn’t be about to collapse on the slightest of workouts,” Elise yelled at me from far up ahead.

Very funny. I would rather have a heart attack right here in the middle of the street than wear those ridiculous shoes.

“I’m fine. Wrecker has little legs though and it is just taking him a little longer. I don’t want to ditch him.” If this were one of those shitty movies, the camera would have cut to a close-up shot of my dog staring into the camera, wide-eyed and tilting his head, probably accompanied by some terrible sound effect like a GONG to really drive the subtlety of the dog’s objection home. Fucking Hollywood.

“Whatever you say, Fatso,” Elise says to me, as she turns around and does a little jog to catch up to the kids.

Lousy showoff.

When we finally made it back to the top, Elise and the kids were sitting on the curb looking very bored. Elliot pretended to be asleep, then Eric started to pretend snore.

“The dog has little legs. Give me a break.” Elise says. She gives my t-shirt a little tug and says, “Your Eve 6 shirt is soaked, Big Pun. Want to stop at your room and change?” All three of them started laughing.

Thanks a lot.

“Actually,” I tell them, “yeah, that’s not a bad idea.”

All three of them get up and we start walking back to the room. Poor Wrecker is barely conscious.

***

I leave the motel room with a fresh shirt on and Wrecker napping on the bed. I am starving.

Elise says, as I step outside, “Did you find a fresh, crappy nineties band t-shirt to change in to?”

“As a matter of fact, I did, Miss Lady. Thank you for asking,” I tell her as I pull on the bottom of my shirt to reveal the full design.

“LFO? Are you freaking kidding me?” she asks in disbelief.

“Um, obviously not. In case you forgot, they did play at the East Hills Mall. Remember? And aww, look at that, you’re wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. Me likey some girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch.”

“Wow, and I am expected to go out to dinner with you in that?”

“That’s right, baby! Let’s go!”

She rolled her eyes at me and asked us what we were in the mood for.

“Anything,” I say. “Except Chinese food. It makes me sick.”

“Oh, brother.”

6.

We got back to the motel a little after nine o’clock, and the kids were more than ready for bed. We had eaten dinner at a little Mexican place that stayed open surprisingly late, considering everything else in this town seems to close at around six.

Elise and the kids went into their room and I walked in to mine to greet Wrecker, who apparently had not moved since I dropped him off. As pathetic as it was, I was happy to be back in my room in front of the television. I could not wait to see what RTV was playing.

I unpacked my suitcase, Lysoled the room down like it was filled with AIDs, lifted up the mattress to make sure there weren’t any dead whores rotting in the box spring, then put my clothes into the drawers. Then I pulled out my toothbrush and toothpaste and got ready for sleepytime. When I returned to bed, Knight Rider was just starting. It was going to be a long night.

***

I am not going to lie to you; I did not get much sleep. It was that damn RTV and their ridiculous programming. Really, they show Mike Hammer, Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Buck Rogers, Peter Gunn, Night Gallery and The Jack Benny Show, and they expect me to get some sleep? Impossible!

When the sun was getting ready to rise, I made the difficult decision to finally roll out of bed to use the bathroom. I was going to have to pretend I didn’t stay up all night watching television so I needed to be fresh and awake. I hopped in the shower and decided to take a walk down to the cliff again; that way I could impress Elise and the kids by actually not being lazy for once and being up and ready to go with everyone else.

I stepped out of the shower, toweled off and got dressed in the shorts I just bought the other day and a Huey Lewis and the News t-shirt.

I grabbed Wrecker’s leash off the floor and hooked him up. Getting him to move was proving to be much more difficult than I had anticipated. I had to lift him from the bed and put him on the floor.

“Come on, buddy. We’re taking a little walk. You need to go potty, anyway,” I say to him. He returns my command with a completely blank stare. GONG!

“Come on, dude. We’ve got to go.” I began pulling on the leash but he would not budge. “Come onnnn, I’m not messin’ around here, dog. Let’s go.”

Still nothing.

I bent over, picked him up and walked out the door. I set him down on a small patch of grass behind the motel for dogs to do their business. It was here that I finally realized what was wrong with him. He was literally too sore to move. That walk we took yesterday was the most exercise this little guy has seen in months, maybe years. I stood there and watched him take the smallest of steps to his chosen spot to pee, and when he was finished, he just looked up at me and made it perfectly clear I was to pick him up and return him swiftly to the bed. I did as instructed and decided to spare him the pain of a walk to the cliff.

I left the television on for him, exited the room without him even noticing, and took off down the street. The air was brisk and chilly and I wished I had brought a sweatshirt with me. It actually proved unnecessary, though, as I was sweating by the time I hit the bottom of the hill. I really needed a treadmill at home.

I reached the edge of the cliff, took a seat on the disgusting bench and looked out over the giant toilet in front of me. The sun was starting to come up and the glare was going to give me a headache. I guess it is time to head back. That’s enough for me. It is time for me to have a Zack Attack!

I stood up, started back towards the street and decided to stop at the Wall-E telescope to see what I could see.

I looked out over the ocean but couldn’t see anything too spectacular, just magnified images of the same things I saw before. I turned the lenses towards the three houses on the cliff, just to check them out. A light was on in the house closest to me, but the other two still seemed to be dark and quiet. I looked down at the beach below and saw a man and a woman standing in the sand. I assumed these were the owners of the house with the lights on, as the only way I could see to get down there was from stairs leading from their home.

I decided to be nosey a bit and spy on them a little. It was harmless. The light was still pretty low and I was too far away to really see what they were doing. I doubted they could see me.

The man was wearing a suit, which struck me as a bit odd, seeing as he was standing on the beach at 6am, and the woman had shoulder length blonde hair and looked to be wearing a housedress or maybe a nightie. I couldn’t really tell. I watched them for a few seconds more and I saw the woman raise her arms several times. I was pretty sure they were arguing. Sweet!

This went on for a few minutes until the woman stormed off in what appeared to be quite the rage. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself a little. I’m such a dick.