Looking Through Windows (11 page)

She placed her hand on Ann's shoulder. "Look at me," she said softly. Ann's eyes were moist as she opened them and looked at Emily.
'She looks like a wounded animal,'
Emily thought. "You're not flattering yourself that I might find you attractive." It was Emily's turn now to be absolutely honest. She knew how hard that must have been for Ann to say. "I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known – inside and out. But you're right, I am still dealing with my emotions about Caroline, and you aren't sure what you're feeling. Just be my friend, and let me be yours."

Ann smiled, and they embraced. She was acutely aware of Emily's scent, a clean combination of soap and hair rinse. As they reluctantly drew apart, Ann and Emily smiled self-consciously at one another and sat in silence for a while.

Ann suddenly seemed very tired, and Emily insisted that they go up to bed. They said goodnight to the Gundlachs, and Ann hopped up the stairs. At the door to the spare room where Ann's suitcase had been deposited, she paused. "I know this sounds silly, but would you mind if I shared your room?"

Emily smiled. "Not at all. It'll be like a sleep-over." While Ann was in the bathroom, Emily brought the suitcase from across the hall, turned down the sheets on her bed and changed. By the time she washed up and returned from the bathroom, Ann had changed and crawled into bed.

"Are the covers too heavy on your foot?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine," Ann said sleepily.

Emily climbed into bed carefully, trying not to hurt or disturb Ann. She listened to Ann's breathing, already deep and slow. She lay there for a long time, thinking about their conversation. She knew Ann was being honest with her, but she also knew that Ann hadn't the slightest concept of anything other than socially acceptable heterosexual relationships. Emily truly valued Ann's friendship, but felt sure that whatever Ann thought she was feeling would pass. Her own feelings she wasn't so sure about. It was ironic that even as she had finally been able to think and speak of Caroline, she had also been able to start letting her go. As she drifted off to sleep, it was with a firm resolve that she would not do or say anything to confuse Ann further.

Chapter 16

A
nn discovered quickly that hopping about on crutches was much more tiring than she had expected. She called all her professors, explaining what had happened and asking about upcoming assignments. Emily herself repeated Lise's conversation lessons from class with Ann. She tried to maintain a certain level of professionalism at those times, but she knew Ann would never use their friendship to manipulate the student/instructor relationship.

On Tuesday, Emily came home after her last class and found Ann studying at the kitchen table. "How about some fresh air?" she suggested.

"Oh, that sounds great," Ann hopped out into the cold fall air and breathed deeply. Only a few patches of snow remained. They got into the Toyota. "Where are we going?" she asked as Emily drove.

"You'll see," Emily smiled. Presently, they pulled up to the farm where Meg was kept. "I thought you might like to visit," Emily said.

"Emily, thank you," Ann said as she slid out of the Toyota's high seat. "Meg!" she called as she hopped to the fence surrounding the pasture. Meg lifted her beautiful red head and snorted. Eagerly, she came trotting over and nuzzled Ann's shoulder and hands. Ann rubbed her forehead and ran her hands over Meg's neck.

"It seems like ages since I've been on you," she said softly. Emily stood back, watching and listening. Ann spoke continuously, not worried about making sense. Meg's ears twitched back and forth as she listened.

"Emily," Ann turned to her, "come on over and say hello." Emily approached, and Meg turned her large gentle eyes towards her.

"Hello, Meg," Emily said, holding out her hand for Meg to sniff before she tried to touch her. "She's beautiful."

"I think so," Ann said. "Sometimes I think she reads my mind. We're a good pair together, aren't we, girl?" Ann gave Meg a kiss on her muzzle, and said, "We'll go for a ride soon." Ann and Emily returned to the Toyota.

"It was so good to see her," Ann said happily. "I really miss being up on her back." She looked over at Emily as they settled into their seats. "Do you ride?"

"I rode trail rides periodically growing up, but I've never ridden regularly or jumped," she replied. "I really enjoyed watching you and Meg jumping that morning after you had been hit by the guy in the park."

"I almost forgot about that," Ann laughed. "We did have a few accidental meetings before classes started, didn't we?"

"Yes. I didn't think I was ever going to learn your name."

"That was at the restaurant, right?"

"Yes, you were there on your date, wearing that dress." Emily winced as that slipped out.

Ann's eyebrows arched. "That dress?"

Emily burned a deep red. "Well, I couldn't help noticing." She shook her head. "You looked really good in that dress. I was lucky I remembered my name."

Ann laughed and it sounded like music to Emily. She noticed that Ann's cheeks became a little red, too, despite her attempt to laugh off the compliment.

Ann got back to the original topic. "I'd love to teach you to ride," she looked over, "if you'd like to learn."

Emily smiled. "I would." They were back at the house by then. Dinner was almost ready. Both Ann and Emily found these evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach to be very comfortable. After dinner the younger women cleaned up, Ann sitting on a stool drying dishes, and then began studying.

"By the way," Emily said that evening, "Lise asked me to tell you that she gave an assignment in class today. Each of you has to give an oral presentation, in French, on some cultural topic. It can be literature, music, theatre, whatever."

"Okay." Ann said, making notes on the assignment before opening her books to study.

The next few days passed similarly. Emily's days were full with the classes she was taking and all the reading associated with them. In addition, she had frequent homework assignments and quizzes to grade, and exams to prepare.

Thursday evening, Mrs. Gundlach called Ann to the telephone. From the overheard bits of conversation, Emily could tell she was speaking with her parents. She could feel her mood sink as she listened.

"Mom and Dad are back from California," Ann announced when she hopped back into the kitchen. "They're going to drive up tomorrow morning and they'll take me to my doctor appointment."

Emily tried to return to her studying, but without much success. Her melancholy deepened as she thought about how empty the house would feel when Ann went back to her apartment.

That night Emily lay awake. She and Ann had talked as they went to bed, making tentative plans to have dinner with Ann's parents tomorrow evening. Ann had turned on her side, facing Emily, and was breathing deeply. Emily watched her for a long time. Ann's face had become so familiar, but she was still stunned by its beauty. She reached her hand out and, very lightly, touched Ann's hair. She didn't stir. She kissed Ann on the forehead, letting her lips linger on her soft skin.

"I love you," she whispered, and then sharply drew her breath in. Where had that come from? She hadn't put her feelings into concrete form, but as she said the words, she knew them to be true. She quietly got out of bed and went to the window. The cast iron radiator was warm. She sat down on it and looked out into the night. She hadn't fallen in love with Ann. She had grown to this point. But there was no use letting Ann know how she felt. Ann was straight, whatever games of "what if" her mind might be playing with her.

Back in bed, Ann's eyes opened as she felt Emily get up. She didn't move. She heard Emily's words over and over. "I love you." Simple words, but she knew better than anyone what it meant for Emily to be able to say them to someone other than Caroline.

After a long time, Emily came back to bed and lay with her back to Ann.  Eventually, they both fell asleep.

Chapter 17

E
mily left early the next morning while Ann was still upstairs. Ann had sensed Emily's distance the previous evening, and knew it would be hard for Emily to see her go. She watched from the bedroom window as Emily pulled away. She went down for breakfast with the Gundlachs. Her parents arrived by nine. She introduced them to Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach, and while her father carried her things down from upstairs, she thanked them for all they had done.

"My dear, the house will be emptier without you," Mrs. Gundlach declared as she gave Ann a big hug.

Mr. Gundlach said, "Please come back to see us soon."

"I will," she promised.

Katharine and Owen drove her to her doctor's office for her ten o'clock appointment. Dr. Waterson took x-rays after removing the bandage from her ankle.

"Well, everything appears to be healing well. I'm going to give you a brace to wear, and I want you to start putting weight on your foot, still using the crutches." She scribbled on a pad. "Here's your referral for physical therapy. I'll have you come back in a month."

Ann was glad to be able to take weight on her foot, but she was surprised at how stiff her ankle felt. She showed her parents around Weston's campus. They walked into Whitmore Hall and heard Emily's voice coming from a classroom down the main hall.

"No, Julie, think about what you're reading. This is a conversation between two people who accidentally meet after who knows how long. Maybe they're old lovers. Maybe they're old enemies."

They walked up to where they could see Emily pacing at the front of the classroom.

"It's not a monotone, 'Was machst du denn hier?'" She wheeled suddenly and held out her arms in surprise. "Was machst DU denn hier? What are YOU doing here? or Was machst du denn HIER? What are you doing HERE? or Was MACHST du denn hier? What are you DOING here?" The class was laughing at Emily's theatrical emphasis.

As the Hights backed away, Ann and Katharine clamped their hands over their mouths to hold their laughter in. Ann led them out of Whitmore and showed them around the rest of the campus, and when the hour was over, called Emily at her office. They arranged to meet at a little restaurant in town.

The Hights arrived first and got a table. When Emily arrived, Owen asked with a straight face, "Was machst DU denn hier?"  At Emily's shocked expression, they all started laughing again. Through her laughter, Ann explained what they had overheard. Emily grinned sheepishly.

After they had ordered, Owen and Katharine told them all about their trip to California. It made Emily long for warmth and sunshine.

"Oh, Ann," Katharine said as they ate, "I almost forgot, there was a call from Paul Bayliss. He's back in the States and would like to see you. I gave him your number up here. I hope that was all right?"

"Yes, of course," Ann said, but she seemed flustered. She said to Emily, "Paul was in Africa when I was there." Emily remembered, the man Ann had dated while she was there. She felt a cold sensation in the pit of her stomach. It was suddenly hard to eat. She tried to pay attention to the conversation, but all she could think about was that Ann had said that Paul was the man she had considered marrying. She was grateful when she had to excuse herself for her one o'clock class. Ann said she'd call about dinner.

Emily forced herself to concentrate on her students. When class was over, she spent a few hours in the office upstairs getting some work done. Sato and Sofia were there also and began to make plans with Lise, Heinrich and Enrique for a dinner together that evening. Emily considered. Ann probably should have some time alone with her parents, and Emily really didn't know how well she had hidden her dismay at lunch when Paul's name was brought up. She agreed to go out with the others that evening.

As she went home to change, she carried on an internal dialogue, telling herself that there was no reason Ann should not want to see Paul. Seeing him again might clear up whatever confusion Ann was feeling. Emily knew she could deal with her own feelings; she'd done it before. That was preferable to mooning over a woman who didn't feel the same. Whatever happened, she was grateful to Ann for all that she had done. Emily stopped in front of Caroline's painting and touched it. Ann had given her the ability to think and speak of Caroline with joy.  She admitted to herself that no matter how much it might hurt to love someone who didn't love her in return, she hadn't thought she could ever love again. She went around to the side of the bed Ann had been sleeping on. The pillow still held the scent of Ann's hair and perfume. She held it to her and inhaled deeply. Her heart felt as if it were being squeezed.

The phone rang, and Mrs. Gundlach called up to Emily. She ran downstairs and picked up the handset.

"Emily?" Ann's voice came through.

"Hi there." Emily thought she succeeded in sounding cheerful.

"Can you join us for dinner? We're going to the Tavern," Ann asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry," Emily fibbed, "I had forgotten that I already had plans to go out with Sato and the others tonight." Before Ann could say anything, she added, "You have a good time. I'll talk to you soon."

"Emily – " Ann said uncertainly.

Emily didn't give her a chance to say more. "Gotta go. Bye."