Read More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Online
Authors: Jen Campbell
(A mother and her little boy come into the bookshop)
LITTLE BOY
(looking around, astounded)
: Mummy … have we gone back in time?!
CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for a birthday present for a friend. She loves books.
BOOKSELLER:
Great, I can help you look if you want?
CUSTOMER:
Thanks. Oh, wait! Do you do birthday cakes shaped like books? She’d love that!
BOOKSELLER:
… No.
CUSTOMER:
OK. What do you do?
BOOKSELLER:
We do books … shaped like books.
CUSTOMER:
Ah. OK. That could work, too.
CUSTOMER:
I’d like to talk to you about God.
BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry but I don’t discuss religion with our customers.
CUSTOMER:
Are you denying God? God could be anywhere! What if I’m God – do you risk denying me?
(Pause)
CUSTOMER
(glaring angrily)
: God’s everywhere, lady! He’s probably hiding behind this bookcase!
CUSTOMER:
I need to return this book
(produces
The Iron Man
by Ted Hughes)
.
BOOKSELLER:
Is there a problem?
CUSTOMER:
Yes! It doesn’t have Robert Downey Jr. in it. AT ALL.
WOMAN:
I think my grandson has swallowed a love potion. Do you have a book that has an antidote?
BOOKSELLER:
Why do you think he’s swallowed a love potion?
WOMAN:
He’s completely besotted with a girl who is not good enough for him. Not good enough at all!
BOOKSELLER:
…
WOMAN:
I didn’t really believe in love potions myself, you know, but now I’m not so sure.
BOOKSELLER:
I see.
(Pause)
WOMAN
(angrily)
: Kids! They’ve got all sorts of ideas in their heads these days. It’s all because of that Harry Potter!
CUSTOMER
(looking at the history section)
: I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war.
BOOKSELLER:
…
CUSTOMER:
It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?
CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for that book …
Romeo and Juliet
. It’s about a fight between the DiCaprios and another gang. Street stuff.
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND:
Yeah. it’s the true story of Leonardo DiCaprio.
CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy a book for a friend.
BOOKSELLER:
Sure, what does she like?
CUSTOMER
(deep in thought)
: Well, she’s quite racist …
BOOKSELLER:
…
CUSTOMER
(eagerly)
: I really liked
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
(Pause)
Do you have an illustrated version?
LITTLE GIRL
(with her hands on her hips, talking about
Alice in Wonderland
)
: Alice falls down a hole in the ground because she doesn’t look where she’s going? I wouldn’t be that stupid.
CUSTOMER:
Are these books fire-proof?
BOOKSELLER:
… Nope.
CUSTOMER:
Well, that’s not very useful is it?