More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (7 page)

BOOKSELLER:
Cool! What do book ninjas do?

YOUNG BOY:
I can’t tell you. It’s top secret.

BOY
(picks up a copy of
Charlotte’s Web
and holds it up to show his sister)
: What’s this about?

GIRL:
It’s about a wimpy pig, and a spider called Charlotte who spins a web of lies and deceit.

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER
(to her friend)
: I only like books that I can really believe happened, you know? Like
Twilight
.

CUSTOMER:
They should make vending machines for books. Then there’d be no more need for bookshops, and you could have a really long holiday. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?

CUSTOMER:
Are you prepared?

BOOKSELLER:
... For what?

CUSTOMER:
For the zombie apocalypse.

(A woman is looking at a copy of
Gone with the Wind
)

HER SON:
Is that a book about farts?

CUSTOMER:
Do you believe in past lives?

BOOKSELLER:
Erm, well, I ...

CUSTOMER:
I do. I absolutely do. I feel very at one with everything. I’m pretty sure this is my seventh time on earth.

BOOKSELLER:
I see.

CUSTOMER
(looking pleased with herself)
: And I’m almost certain that in a past life I was Sherlock Holmes.

BOOKSELLER:
... You know, Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character.

CUSTOMER
(outraged)
: ... Are you trying to tell me that I don’t exist?

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER:
I’d like a Christmas book, about Christmas, that doesn’t have anything to do with snow, or robins, or snowmen, or Jesus, or holly.

BOOKSELLER:
... right.

CUSTOMER:
And no bloody carols, either!

BOY
(reading titles of books on the shelf)
:
My Family and Other Animals
? Ha. Yes. I think my sister looks like a ferret.

HIS SISTER
(shouting from the other side of the shop)
: I heard that! And you look like a diseased baboon!

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy a book for my wife.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure, what sort of book?

CUSTOMER:
I don’t know. Something ... pink? Women like pink stuff, right?

YOUNG GIRL
(pointing to a cupboard under one of the bookshelves)
: Can you get to Narnia through there?

BOOKSELLER:
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can.