NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (20 page)

              His smile returns and it’s beautiful. I want to feel those lips again. I want to feel them everywhere. He strokes my lips and he’s looking at them. Do I look as hungry as he does while gazing at my lips? The thought is making me ache. I want this and I can tell I’m the one who’s going to have to make that first step. I know he’s not shy; he’s scared of pushing too far and pushing me away. I don’t want him to feel that way when we do this. I want him to feel safe and loved. This isn’t just for me, but him too. So I grab the saggy, wet ends of my borrowed tee and pull it up over my head. My wet hair flicks my skin and it’s cold, making me shiver.

              Vaun frowns before he reaches behind me and takes the woolen blanket off the end of his bed and begins to rub me dry. I don’t know how something so non-sexual can make me feel like I’m going to combust. His eyes follow the soft material as it grazes my skin. When he reaches my shorts he throws the blanket on his shoulder to touch my skin, making me gasp. His eyes ping to mine and I can see the energy in them. He’s as eager for this as I am. Any trepidation he had before is gone amongst the heat as he brushes my hair from my neck, grazing my skin with his fingertips as he slides them down my body to my shorts, where he finds the waistband. Hooking it, he slides my shorts from my legs and I step from them and stand before him in my bikini as he then shucks his shorts. I swear I’m having an asthma attack, only I don’t have asthma. Vaun’s standing in his underwear, which is almost nothing, while I’m about to wither before him.

              I don’t know if all of a sudden I looked like a hunted deer in his eyes, but I’m in his arms in a flash, his hands grazing my back and his soft voice tickling my ear.

              “We don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready. I’ll wait for as long as you want. I promise. I want it to be special, for you to remember this moment for the rest of our lives.”

              I tuck my chin into his neck and I don’t know what possesses me, but I lick the dampness of his skin and kiss it until his fingers are in my hair and he takes my mouth in his again, knowing I want everything he wants. When I said we were soul mates, I never really comprehended it until now, as I’m about to share my body with him.

              Our lips are molded together, our hands frenzied and our clothes gone. I know I should feel a little awkward and yet, I don’t. My naked breasts are against his chest and all I want is to melt against him and never divide. Ever.

              I was expecting pain and discomfort, but as Vaun gazes into my eyes, I can see he’s suddenly a little frightened of hurting me as he slowly unites us. I feel a swell in my heart and I think I’m going to cry. I love Vaun so terribly much and when he recognizes that he isn’t hurting me, making love for the first time is like we have done it all our lives and many lives before. We’re in tune, generous, everything and nothing all rounding up into one moment in time. His slight touch along my ribs, belly, thighs, God help me, I’m flying with his gentleness.

              I finally comprehend why they call it making love, because that’s exactly what we’re making. With every movement inside me, with every kiss on my skin and his, with every touch; we are
making
love. 

              We’re both panting and I know instinctively what’s coming for us but I want to hold it back, I want him to stop his exquisite rocking before it all ends because I want to be with him forever. Though, no matter how much I want this, as the pressure builds I’m clawing for the release and I know he sees it. I see it in his muscles and his eyes. He is ready and he wants me to go with him so I reach for his jaw and bring his lips crashing with mine as we both reach the climax together, his moan clashing with mine.

              We kiss until our hearts simmer and he whispers in my ear he’ll be right back and pulls the sheet over me. I know it’s not his rejection; he’s getting rid of our protection which I’m so glad he had or we would be in a mess. My eyes flutter closed and my muscles are relaxing as I breathe in his scent on the pillow.

              “You’re not asleep already?” Vaun chuckles, startling me and, I too, snigger as he slides in beside me. I lift my head and he wraps his arm around my shoulder so I can snuggle against his chest and my nose is in his neck. It’s how we laid our first night in the back of his truck under the stars, both filled with pain and regret. Now we are naked and free in the same position.

              “Vaun?”

              “Mmm”

              “I love you.”

              He kisses my head. “I love you more.”

              I smile. “I love you more, times a thousand.”

              He laughs and I love the echo from his neck to my ear. The he says, “I love you a billion times more.”

              “I love you infinity.”

              “I love you infinity plus one.”

              “I think I beat you. There is nothing higher than infinity.”

              He strokes my arm and sighs, “I loved you first.”

              And with those four words I know in my heart, my soul and everything that counts in this world that Vaun is mine. “You win.” It wouldn’t matter if I told him I was growing horns; he would work around it to stay with me. So I shouldn’t feel the fear of telling him that I’m sick, that if even fighting against this disease may not stop the inevitable.

              Gripping his hand which is resting at my belly I decide if there’s ever a time to tell him, it’s now. “Vaun?”

              “Mmm.”

              “You’ve changed my life. It sounds lame, but you have. I’m ready to tell you my secret because I know in my heart you won’t leave me. I want to tell you because I need you to help me fight it. I need you to help with Benny because he needs you more.” I take a breath and he squeezes me tightly, waiting for me to finish, obviously as nervous as I am. “I’m sick. I’m really sick. Cancer.”

              My breathing stills, waiting for his reaction … there is none. There’s not even a gasp at the dreaded C word, just a steady breathing against my neck and instantly my tears begin to well and fall silently to his chest and pillow. He didn’t hear my confession. Vaun fell asleep before he could be tainted by my lies, or more to the point, my truth. He remains untouched and honestly, I don’t know if I’m crying in relief that he didn’t hear me and I hadn’t ruined this memory for him or dismay that I would have to find the right moment to do it all again.

              Would there ever be one?

***

              My school days had morphed. My first week was spent pretty much in a group of two ― myself and April. This week was a cloud of different faces passing me by in the halls, nodding and willing me a good day ― by name.

              It wasn’t just that, though. No. Now I have a boyfriend. In title and heart. A hot, wonderful, funny boyfriend who barely leaves my side. This is apparently a new sight for the likes of Vaun Campbell. Those who weren’t at the pond over the weekend soon realize and the word spread throughout the school like wild fire. People would stare or gape as he stands by me with his arm resting across my shoulders, his fingers grazing my arm causing little bumps on my skin. I tell ya, it still amazes me how a simple a touch by him can have me react in such a way that’s very uncool on school grounds or in public. By his cheeky smile, I assume he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.

              It’s midweek and despite wanting to tell him of my illness, there just hasn’t been the right time. After school he’s at the nursery and I have Benny, April and general family issues to attend to. He stops by when the nursery is all closed, but he’s so tired. I send him home with a kiss and a promise to myself that
tomorrow
I will just drag him somewhere and tell him. Two days later, as I walk into the Gymnasium, I feel the double whammy of the impeding conversation which needs to take place before I take the trip to Kansas City for treatment. I leave after lunch today and I have almost run out of time. As it stands, Vaun knows I have to head to the city, but he automatically thought it was about my mom. A lie by omission, once again.

              What this means is I have two classes before I leave and before I have to give him the briefest of moments to absorb the information. If I had told him the morning after we made love, I know he would have stay with me. We’re in our third day of betrayal now and instead of asking him to see me early this morning before school I found another excuse to wait. I’m gutlessly hoping that he takes the time this afternoon to think whether I’m worth the pain and betrayal for not telling him.

              I’m a shitty coward. It doesn’t matter how many ways I spin the predicament. At the end of the day, I’m the worst kind of shitty coward. I don’t deserve him and if I return tonight minus a boyfriend … well, I deserve what I get.

              “Stop thinking about it,” April whispers, hugging me as we line up on the basketball court. The large gym echoes the squeak of our shoes and chatter off the polished floor to the banner-filled walls.

              Sighing, I hug her back. She’s talking about my treatment, which you would think is what I’d be more worried about. April hasn’t hidden her contempt over me keeping this from Vaun, yet she understands and can’t stay peeved at such hopelessness. Her words, not mine.

              “I’m glad you’re coming to Kansas. Thankfully Dad understands that I need you both.” He looked a little relieved actually, but I dare not start April on that one. The topic of my father’s lack of ‘fathering’ has had her heated in the past so it’s best to stay clear. I don’t need the added drama or the added disappointment.

              “I bet. OH!” I jump in fright as she jumps in front of me, grabbing my shoulders. “I had a thought last night. I’ve been trying to think of how we could take your mind off the treatment and so I made a play list and I bought these.” She pulls a twin set of headphones out from her pocket and dangles them in my face. I laugh and hug her just as a loud clap bounces off the walls. We turn like whiplash to the sound.

              “Okay ladies, my name is Miss Jenkins and I will be taking over your health class for the rest of the term. I want you to all grab a mat, please, and maybe someone could lay out a couple in case we have some stragglers.

              “What are we doing?” One of the girls asks and, for the life of me, I can’t recall her name.

              “I’m going to introduce you to Pilates today. We’ll bounce between track and Pilates.” Jenkins states and after a couple of groans and snickers, she continues, “Pilates is about core muscle toning and overall muscular improvement which will aid in your track time.”

              April and I grab two mats and lay them out, making sure we are situated at the back. I don’t know if we will have our butts in the air saluting the moon, the sun or the Gods, whichever. I just want to make sure we are up the back when we do it.

              Apparently Miss Jenkins has other ideas, though, and with all the extra mats she has the students at the back of the class move to the front spare mats, which means us. She says it’s for harmony, but by her grin, I think she just wanted to mess with our comfort zones. So, instead of being at the back, April and I are almost smack dab in the middle of the student body for our butts to be scrutinized. Not happy.

              The class turns out to be a hilarious mess. All dignity is lost as a majority have less inner core strength then a sloth. Between laughter, grunts and pants, we are all brought to laughter and exhaustion. And just when I think it can’t get any more embarrassing, the doors at the back of the gym swing open.

              “Holy crap. No. Way!”

Vaun

             As soon as Carter and I had the idea, I don’t think even a Bear could have stopped us. Football practice means nothing to me but I’m surprised Carter agreed to my cooked up plan. Well, not too surprised. April seems to have done something good to Carter. Most think he’s this happy go-lucky jock who hasn’t a care in the world. I know the truth.

              So when I heard the girls were in the gymnasium and were on their backs with their legs in the air, I knew I had to check it out.

              The doors swing open and I’m really … there aren’t adequate words for my thoughts.

              “Afternoon, boys. Can I help you with something?” says the new teacher who’s in tights, lying on her back, thrusting her hips in the air.
Thrusting
. “Boys?”

              Shaking my thoughts and looking away I see Blue and grin at her shocked expression. “Sorry ma’am. We heard of your new class and thought it might help with our game.”

              Carter snickers and I know she doesn’t buy it but she laughs and invites us to take a mat. I glance at Carter whose eyes are wide, and then, Blue who’s grinning so hard despite her embarrassment. Then I head for a mat behind Eleanor Bates because it has a direct line of vision to Blue. I’m not sure what Carter can see from his mat beside me as I lie down and, right now, I don’t care.

              “Alright everyone,” the teacher calls. “Ten more. Thrust. Thrust against those fists and squeeze those cheeks. You too, boys. Thrust. I know you can. Thrust.”
Holy shit. Is she for real?
“Thrust.”

              I’m thrusting and the room is littered with giggles and hell it’s contagious because I’m chuckling, too.

              “Now I want you to thrust and bring your knees together and squeeze those pelvic floor muscles. Thrust and squeeze.”

              “Do I even have pelvic floor muscles?” I ask laughing and the room erupts.

              “You do, buddy. It supports your bladder. Now thrust and squeeze.”

              I look at Blue and she’s shaking her head, laughing at me and thrusting in the air. Well, you learn something every day.

              “Thrust and squeeze. I want you to think you have a coin you want to keep in there like a locked money box.”