Authors: Gillian Crook
One Split Second (28 page)
Well, the Vamps (blood bankers), came round today and my vamp was telling me that there is a rumor going around the hospital that there is salmonella, so we all have to have blood taken for that. She has to test my blood for salmonella (anything’s possible with the food in here), and MRSA, and I said to be extra sure of that one, because it was the bugger from (S) in MRSA, that got into my arse, the STAFLOCOCUS, ‘StafliCOCK-UP’ bug! (more like, cause it stopped my Op).
This morning when I was being washed by Marie and Linda in the shower, Linda was asking whereabouts the stitches were on my head and she was saying about all the various injuries WHAT IF?, then asked, What if, I had hit my head at the front instead of the back? Stupid fuckin question… DEAD?
I was telling her about this guy Jerry that I knew in Plymouth, a real cocky cockney from the Eastend of London. Well, in Plymund, there used to be a crowd of us who went out and there were two couples, and myself and Jerry, so were kind of thrown together. I really enjoyed his company, but I didn’t fancy him (due to circumstances at the time), but I certainly was very fond of him. The more we talked the more we got on, but again, for me it was just a very close friendship (yeah, I know?) Well, it was Jerry who wanted to take it further and I said NO, and after that, every time we were saying goodbye for the night he would always ask, “Is it still no?”, and I would always say `yes` and his retort to me was, “one day you’re gonna wonder WHAT IF?” And I used to go through the same rigmarole every time we were out, and I got fed up of him saying, WHAT IF?, WHAT IF?
Well, it became an obsession with him and in the end I was getting phone calls all the time, calls from friends telling me how distraught he was. And on this one particular night he was absolutely ‘paralytic’ and he would only see me because he was inconsolable about a friends death… it was crazy!! It got so suffocating I had to cut all ties, but it was such a shame that it came to that.
Then, if you remember, I mentioned Jake, earlier on in the book… well, Jake was also a cockney and they lived quite near each other in the eastend of London. Well, one night, in Plymund when I was out with Joan, we happened to bump into them both, Jerry and Jake. Jake and I had been finished at this point for over 2 months, but we didn’t want that to get in the way of things, so we joined each others’ company. We were all having a good time until the guys started bickering about, how we became a ‘love triangle’, (me, Jerry and Jake)? What? They were impossible, behaving like grown up kids in the playground. The two of them seemed to be having this ‘imaginary battle’ about which one was going to win the damsels affections… S’cues me boys, the lady doth protest, her heart belongs to neither. Here were two guys I loved as friends and here they were about to brawl in a public place over an issue that neither of them could win.
Well, in the end, I left with my friend Joan, and we left them to their silly feud, and went to a pub, Wetherspoons, that we knew they wouldn’t get into, because we knew the bouncers on the door and asked them not to let them in. It was really not nice, but we felt we had no choice.
So, the point of that little story is that, that’s why that saying WHAT IF, means a lot to me, because it brings back a lot of happy and sad memories.
In fact, they both came up to the hospital to see me. Jake came up with Joan and just sobbed and sobbed until he left, and when Jerry came up, he was so grief stricken, he was pleading with my sister to let him stay with me forever and he would look after me? He was so distraught, even in my confused state, I had to ask Marie, my sister to take him to the exit of the ward and make sure he got out ok. Very bitter sweet memories. Well, I’ve tried to get hold of Jake, and I will try Jerry, because now that there is a sufficient amount of distance between us all, I don’t see why I shouldn’t let them know how I am. Bless! It’s sometimes nice to reminisce, but at the moment it has got to be focus, focus, focus at the present, on rehabilitation and learn to live with this godforsaken injury.
We have another patient in our ward now, in fact, I’m afraid to say it, but he looks like he is on his last legs. How morbid is this ward… just as well me and Duncan have got each other! (Oh God, it must be bad)? I think I need a good STIFF drink (get it? Stiff) . . . oh, never mind!
By the time next Thursday comes I will only have 2 weeks to see my babies and Barry of course. I wonder if I could get super-fit, super-rehabilitated, super-tanned, super-makeovered and just super-duper-full-of-life-Trooper!!?? I just want the kids to have a great time, and for Barry not to be his usual moaney self. Actually, saying that he came on the phone tonight sounding very calm, relaxed and thoughtful, even to the point that he was reminiscing when we were happy, and wishing he could help me now, and felt helpless? You know, it still sends shivers through me, when Barry shows affection—isn’t that weird. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said ME without the wheelchair… now I’m sure that was said innocently, but when I asked him what he meant by that, he said YOU WORK IT OUT (yeah, I doubt I will ever be able to work it out)! Shonah was obviously out tonight because he seemed a bit more relaxed and able to have a good conversation and I didn’t come off the phone feeling like shit. Hopefully I will sleep ok, but my legs are burning so much and my legs feel… TOO NUMB… they feel like DEAD WEIGHTS!
Goodnight everyone… . I must remember that I also made one point to Barry, that I know the rest of the family can be skinflints, but to remember Casey and Mitch’s granny and make sure there was a present for her, because her and Aunt Helen never forget anybody, EVER, and I know he will agree, especially about Aunt Helen, because she had a soft spot for Barry, and he loved her too. And we must remember a card for Nanny Lous’ grave!! Thank you God.
So, it was up with the lark again, or should I say FART AGAIN, because in this ward, believe me there are that many noises going on it is really hard to distinguish what is what, it’s like the evil dead in here sometimes, you can hear all these creepy noises, choking, coughing, incessant mumbling and silent disturbed talking, then machinery stopping and starting, faint footprints and breathing, then suddenly 7.30 pm WOW! KERRANG! ELECTRICITY SPLURGE! All the lights go on, and all the weird noises STOP and all the perpetrators go into a blissful, silent sleep! Jesus, even Duncan carries on sleeping.
I did my usual routine again… and then when I was having my shower I decided to try and do something for my burning legs, so I asked Marie if she would soak them with cold water from the shower, and she said, “I can’t do that, its freezing, you’ll catch a chill”. Brrr! Actually, I won’t feel it, will I? Drr?? So, she did soak them and Linda massaged them. I’m afraid my idea was rubbish, because that damn burning feeling was still in them. When I got back to the ward all nice and clean, one of the nurses Susan pleated my hair for me; one big fat pleat and one thin pleat—compliments of the Derriford hacksawer! Oh, well I suppose you’ve got to make the most of a bad job.
So, its nine thirty, and the posse normally get here around about 10, so I could have 40 winks, for half an hour; so shouldn’t that be 30 winks, for half and hour? Who gives a shit? You’ve probably guessed that I’m either bored, or the insomnia is affecting my brain? So, the posse arrived round about 10 and by this time Duncan had been washed and was looking awake. It was quite funny because Duncan and I have joked about it before, about, when he was away at the shower and the docs came round, and I told him when he got back that the posse had a good old discussion whilst he was away, and that they got more sense out of talking to the bed than they did speaking to him! Hah, Well, today they had 3 other beds to talk to without patient feedback… their lucky day! Dr Didn’t actually apologised for the way he spoke to me when he broke the news that I wouldn’t be getting the Op, . . . . seems ages ago now, so I graciously accepted his apology and just asked him to please keep me informed of any test results, and if there was absolutely anything he could do before Christmas to speed things up, would he promise to help. He agreed, and in my head, I was thinking… no way, Hose, when has Dr Didn’t ever got anything done for me—a bit fat ZERO! I’ve come to the conclusion about a few things:—forget about being in my wheelchair for christmas; forget being in a wheelchair for my birthday; being in a wheelchair NEXT Christmas… . MAYBE!; and if I’m gonna be here for my 41st Birthday next year, you’ll find me in the… . MORGUE!! (Happy smiley face)!
Only joking, I should think I will be here for my 40th birthday, or at least I will be in Glasgow… . so what I’m gonna do, is book myself away ANYWHERE for the single night and take any pressies I have with me and celebrate it on my own! Nice and peaceful… then if I want, I can always celebrate it when I get out. I hate birthdays anyway, because I’m normally out cold and can’t remember owt!!
In the afternoon, I went to the gym via the dining room, and Brian and David were there… David, the big, slobbish-looking guy, was playing about with some new DVD player and head phones, and he asked me if I wanted to have a listen, and weirdly enough I said ok, . . . then after a bit I handed them back, then I was offered a strange kinda ciggie, and I said NO THANK YOU Maaann! Can you imagine, me stoned, trying to go to the gym and Rhona and John trying to get me motivated… no friggin way; a glug of cider… maybe, but not wacky backy. Brian looked as if his eyes were gonna pop out of his head. And I told him to be careful, because he was doing some dubious wheelies on his wheelchair. Actually, whilst watching him, I was hoping that it wouldn’t be too long before I could do that. Actually, going back to David, he has got a pretty shitty deal when it comes to his injury too, because he has done some major, damage to the ‘crotch’ area, and that’s why he’s still in A special single room in Admissions, and not quite ready for his rehabilitation to Phillipstoll. (and someone suggested that’s maybe why the payout is so substantial). Well, bang goes his ‘child allowance’—sorry!
I went through to the gym, and got thinking, that I had, had every opportunity there for an ordinary ciggie and I said NO! And long may that continue. When I got to the gym, Duncan was trying out a new wheelchair, and I suddenly felt really sad for him, and me, because we are both such bubbly people and it is frustrating that we are so limited to what we can do, and that the ‘stuffing has been knocked out of us’! It is really so unfair, I took my dive and therefore I took responsibility, but Duncan just had some stupid bloody woman smash into him on the wrong side of the road… and he is still having trouble with the court case, trying to prove she was to blame? . . . why can’t it just be a clear cut case that she was ‘guilty’, which she was; there weren’t any faulty brakes, or her glasses fell off, it was just that she wasn’t concentrating properly and was going too fast and couldn’t take the sodden corner! Ruby is having to have the whole house adapted to accommodate all Duncan’s needs and it’s not just a shower room or the odd height adjustments, oh no, this is the real deal, they are having to ‘construct’ beams and even take walls down to make sufficient width for the chair throught the house, and make room to accommodate the ‘hoist’, and it’s very costly and it has to be done to an acceptable specification before Duncan gets home, which they hope will be round about the end of Jan?? Good luck, I really hope he gets round all these setbacks; he and Ruby and Nick, the son, and Katy, the daughter, are all a lovely family, and they deserve some genuine peace and family time after this horrendous injustice.
Tonight I was reading some of the Spinal Injury book that Rhona has let me borrow, and it is really interesting. When I look at the diagram of the actual spine, it gives me a much better idea of exactly how thick the bone is and how much of an impact must have been involved when I hit the water. I am gonna ask her to get one of these books for me, because this particular one is out of Robert Gordon’s library. In fact, I’m gonna make a separate book, that I can use to draw diagrams and illustrations and write snippets of information in as well. Very studious, Juilliana… well thank you!
It really is quite a struggle in here at different times and in different ways e.g. days can be long and arduous and sometimes when I realise it is later than I thought, I look forward more to tomorrow because it means it is getting closer to another day being over with!! What a way to live, very sad… I would hate the children to get into my head and heart at this moment because it would look like I had given up, and what does that say about the love for my children? My God, they are the reason I have kept my sanity up until now and their love has kept me going when it has got really really hard. So, on that note I decided to phone the kids and Mitch was out so I spoke to Casey and at the moment she is getting so excited about her trip up—and so am I. Barry came on the phone, and he was rather civil, considering I had interrupted him cooking the dinner. I don’t know why I always sound so surprised, because our discussions always go up and down, and sometimes it’s just like when we were married. Not good! Duncan then got a call from Ruby, and when he came off the phone he was moaning about the extension not being ready for him going home for Christmas and New Year… so I reminded him of the fact, that at least he WAS getting home! Then, one of the nurses brought in some homemade gingerbread and offered us all a slice and when we accepted, with wide willing eyes, she went off to cut it and get little knobs of butter and she went away to cut it. Well, in between her going and coming back, Duncan had moaned so much he had fallen asleep(probably bored himself more like by the sound of his drawl) and now, that will probably be him for the night, and when he wakes up he is going to start moaning straight away, when he sees his stale piece of gingerbread, then moan even more because he hadn’t been woken up! Aagh!
Well, it’s now 11.45 and there is an Arnie movie on, but I just can’t get comfy and my pillows are driving me nuts, and if I can’t do this myself, I’m gonna have to ring my buzzer. So just in case I don’t come back to my book tonight, I am gonna say nite nite to my loved ones and my little book—well, my trusty pen has come to an inky end this evening, hence the blue cheapo! Oh, there we go, maybe someone will get me a pen for my Christmas… actually, that’s not such a bad idea, because I have started writing so much, and I love my writing, and I think it is helping me stay slightly sane. Nite nite my little book. Forever Friends, aah, cute little teddies? maybe not!!