Payce's Passions (10 page)

“Remember the time we were in that parking lot, and that lady thought we wanted to steal her purse? Hell, everyone thought we were little thugs, we weren’t even close to her at all.” He starts laughing.

I turn left onto 1960. “Yes, she kept trying to hand it to us, even though we were yelling at her that we didn’t want it.” I laugh too.

“Hell, maybe we should have taken it, we’d have eaten that night,” Brax says.

“Probably so.” I nod, giving the bike some juice.

Brax wraps back tight again. In about three minutes, I hang a right on Red Oak Drive, and follow to the end. We pull into his condo complex, he points straight to the back, and I dodge around the speed bumps and slow down.

“Right here, Payce.” He points.

“I know.” I kill the switch and kick the stand down. “Why do you live so far from where you work?”

“It’s not that far really, but it is about three grand cheaper living out here. Besides this place still feels like home, you know?” He climbs off the bike and pulls the helmet off. “Where are you living now, Payce?”

“About ten minutes down the road from here. Back around the old neighborhood. Its home, like you said.” I get off the bike.

“I really appreciate the ride, I didn’t know you were way out here or I would have called that cab.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’m glad you called, I hoped you would.”

He grins, turning toward the stairs. “Thank you.”

I follow him, holding back a few steps until we’re at his floor, then he notices me.

“Payce, what are you doing?” He leans up against the wall near his door, looking at me like he’s annoyed.

“Just making sure you get inside safe is all.” I inch a little closer. I can’t help myself, he draws me to him like a fucking magnet.
I need to stop this.

“Did you think I wouldn’t be safe for some reason? I’m capable of defending myself.” Braxton has always tried to prove himself, just like he’s doing now.

“I know you are.” My pinky finger hooks around his.
What the hell?
“It’s not that, Brax. I can’t help it, I’ve always been protective when it comes to you.”
Here I go on mouth overload again.

“Really? You like protecting me? I have to give it to you, Payce. That was almost believable. ” He stares at me for a few minutes. His eyes turn almost cold, hard like, the natural pacific blue begins to lighten and cloud over giving him a gray shade. He’s angry. I’m not sure where his head is, but he’s giving off some bad vibes.

“I don’t understand. What is almost believable?”

Brax pries his finger loose from mine and breaks eye contact. His head drops toward the ground, taking several deep breaths. He slowly tilts to the side, his gaze meeting mine again. “I don’t understand how you can say that, that you feel protective over me. Especially since you’re the only one that has ever hurt me, Payce.”

And there it is, the words I always knew I’d have to hear one day from him. 

Taking a deep breath, I lean in close to him, caressing my knuckles across his cheek. “I never meant for things to go down the way they did back then.” I close my eyes.

Brax takes a deep breath and holds it. After what seems like minutes, he pushes me in the chest. “Don’t do this, Payce. You know it’s going to get ugly and we don’t need to go there. It was a long time ago. There is no need rehashing all of this.”

“I thought I was doing what was best at the time though.” I keep away from him, at his request. “I’m sorry if I was wrong.”

“Payce, I appreciate the apology, I honestly do, because I think you really mean it. It’s just not enough, and for that, I’m really sorry.” He fumbles inside his pocket, withdrawing his keys and turns toward his door.

“I went to jail, Brax.”
Fuck! How can I make him understand?

“You abandoned me, Payce. You did that,” he counters.

“You don’t understand the whole situation.” I put my hand on his hip and he tenses, his body goes rigid and tightens at my touch.
Do I disgust him that much?
His free hand slips down and rests on my wrist for a second, just a slight hesitation, and it’s enough to make me gasp. I see the confusion, mixed with hurt and anger written all over him. And that quick, he pushes my hand away.

“And you don’t play fair, you never did, Payce. You were the one always deciding what Aaron and I needed to do back then. Even after the night we had together, it should have changed everything with us. I guess it did, boy did it ever fucking change all right. You don’t get to just show up now after seven years and decide that I need to be protected. You lost that right the night you told me to kick rocks, Payce. The state didn’t do that for you, you did that one all on your own,” he snarls.

“I only wanted you to be okay and…”

Brax interrupts me, “Wait, hang on a minute. How the hell did you get me here? I never gave you directions, only the main road.” He folds his arms across his chest.

“I-uh. I...”
Goddammit, I’m busted.

“I swear to God if you lie to me, Payce…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, only tucks his hand into his pocket.

“I won’t.” I drop my head, knowing it’s all over now before it even starts again. We’re all over. “I’ve always known where you were. From the time we were kids until now.”

He presses his lips together, completely silent, and fishes the keys from his pocket, tracing his finger along them. He takes a step toward me. He reaches up, and cups my face in his palm. He strokes his thumb across my cheek.

“I’ve always cared about you, Payce.” I push my head into his hand, remembering the way he made me feel. “But you need to go.”

“Brax, don’t.”

“Nothing’s changed, Payce, you’re still deciding everything. I’m a grown ass man now. There’s been one thing I needed from you all this time, and I thought you’d finally realized it too, but you know what? Even that doesn’t matter anymore.” He leans up, pressing his lips against my cheek, then turns with his keys, sticking them in the lock. “Goodbye, Payce.” Brax unlocks the door.

He’s right, everything he said is true. I made that choice for us and never even thought to ask him what he might want. I turn and walk away, climbing down the stairs when the rain starts pouring. As I get into the parking lot I look up and he’s standing there watching me.

My breath hitches in my throat, and the rain slices into my skin like slivers of glass. I don’t know how to fix this, I’m not sure it can be. I only know that I can’t fucking live through this again, not with him.

I straddle over the seat and look up to him. He’s fucking right. Brax does need to have it all laid out on the line once and for all, and I’m the only one that can do it. He’s owed an explanation of why, after the one night we spent pleasing each other to the best of our ability, and knowing we both loved each other, just a few days later I told him it was over, destroying it all.

“Brax, I’ll tell you. I promise you’ll know everything, you deserve to hear it all from me. Soon, I swear.”

He nods his head, agreeing, and I crank my bike, throttling up to hide his voice before he changes his mind.
God, what have I done to the man?
Maybe he’ll understand why I had to push him away or maybe he’ll hate me worse than he does now. This whole time, I thought Aaron had at least told him what happened that day and why I got arrested. I have to sort this out in my own head before trying to explain everything, but he does deserve that much at least. If he doesn’t ever want to see or hear from me again, then I’ll have to live with that, as hard as it’ll be.

I glide my helmet over my head and kick off into the midnight storm. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t give a damn. This was a big fucking mistake. I should have never gone to Braxton’s and stirred up all this shit again. Every time I get around him, all I do is cause him massive pain.

Chapter Ten

Braxton

My keys dangle from the lock on the door when Payce rides off. I thought everything was over again.
Shit and whew! 
This time around it never even got started with us, but it’s obvious that the feelings are still there. When I saw him enter the restaurant the other night, it took me way back. All the pain came back and took over for a minute. I had to go to him, as much as I tried, the feelings that I had were too strong to fight and I needed to know if he had them too. I never stopped caring for him, it’s been a long time though and our history needs to be straightened out.

I probably care about him more than I should, but I never learned how to stop that. Maybe if he tells me what happened then I can understand, maybe it’ll all finally make sense.

Seven years ago, we had our first ever guy on guy relationship. I was eighteen and Payce was nineteen. It wasn’t some quick bang of curiosity, it was slow and loving. We’d both been with girls before, but the night we became lovers was more intense for both of us. I fell in love with him that night and I know that he felt the same way.

Our love went so much deeper than sex, in fact it had nothing to do with our physical actions. We were there for each other when no one else was, when no one wanted us, and when everyone turned their backs on us. Payce was the only stable person in my life…I loved him because he cared enough about me to take care of me, Aaron too. He felt he needed to do that then. I’m just not sure what he needs now, I only hope it’s me. I’ll make a decision after he tells me what I have to know, the things I need in order to go forward in life. I’m afraid if I lose him now, I won’t want to.

When I was fourteen years old, I’d just had my ass kicked by my mother’s live in and took off. I’d been sleeping out in the woods for two weeks, alone, scared and damn near starving to death when Payce came along. I never suffered another day until he got arrested and when I went to visit him. After that night, I was all I had. Payce went away and Aaron disappeared. It’s hard to believe we’ve know each other that long.

All I know is that emotionally, it’s hard and I’m not sure how to deal with Payce right now. Maybe after some rest and after he comes clean with me, then I’ll feel more emotionally adjusted to deal with it all.

I’ll take one more call from him, but that’s it. And I pray it’s enough. I need this from him, not want it, I need to have an explanation behind it. I need closure. Maybe he is finally realizing that when he went away, his actions from our time together and his words the night I went to visit him at jail, were opposites. I knew it, but he wouldn’t show it. Payce and that fucking image to keep up.

I light a smoke and lean back on the couch, closing my eyes. My mind starts to drift to the last night I ever saw him, the night I went to see Payce in county lockup. The night before he went in front of the judge, then got sent off to prison. I remember every detail of it.

***

Seven years ago

Nervously, I walk inside the building. I’ve never been inside a jail before. Five long aisles of people line up to a glass booth, with cops sitting behind the glass. The cop waves me up and I stride up, handing him my ID, as the cop asked. They stick it inside an index file card box, sign off on a paper and point me to another line. The next line goes through a checkpoint, a guarded metal detector, and several cops holding scanning wands. Once cleared, I walk through the machine, and the cops give me a once over with the wand, then all the visitors line-up for the elevator.

Payce is on the 4
^th
 floor. Stepping out, I watch several people line up at another guard booth, surrounded in glass, like the one downstairs. As I approach, the guard takes my paper then tells me to find an empty booth and wait. Payce’s name is announced over a speaker somewhere behind a wall, it echoes through the whole place. At least ten minutes passes when I finally see him lined up, wearing an orange jumpsuit, standing behind several other inmates through a window cut out on the wall. He’ll be entering his side of the glass visitation room soon and my heart starts to race. I stare at him, his gorgeous dark eyes don’t show the same sparkle they did the other night, but I smile anyway. No reaction, nothing except a shift in his eyes. I don’t understand, I thought for sure after the night we spent together a few days ago, that he’d be happy to see me, but he seems emotionless, a little confused, lost maybe, and even angry. He’s still fucking gorgeous in my eyes, he always has been. I only got to tell him that a couple times that night, before he was taken into custody, and I love how it made him turn beet red at the time.

As he passes through the metal doorway, it clangs shut behind him and he slowly approaches the booth area. I pick up the phone on my side, he does the same, but still not even a smile. I can fix that.

“Nice outfit, pajama boy.” I laugh into the handset, trying to make him smile.

“Why are you here?” His voice is so cold and bitter.

“I know you have court tomorrow morning and I won’t be able to get up here to see what happens, so I came tonight. You okay?”