Secretly More (5 page)

“Maybe I do.” Kimber’s thoughts crept back to Dane as she picked up a fallen branch and swiped at a passing tree trunk with it. “Maybe I get worked up over nothing. You think?”

“Where are you going with this?” Jay’s voice held a note of suspicion.

“Just thinking. I mean, isn’t it possible that Dane really isn’t so bad? Maybe my expectations are just too high.”

“It sounds like you’re what’s high. Are you being serious?”

“Listen. Dane is who he is.”

“And you hate who he is.”

“No, I just haven’t learned to accept him as he is.” She chucked her stick aside. “I wanted him to fit the ideal boyfriend mold I have in my head, but maybe that’s not realistic.”

“What does the ideal boyfriend do, call you? Take you out? Want to spend time with you? Find a way to make things better when he fucks it up? Make you feel like you matter?”

She shrugged, feeling as weak as her collapsing argument. “Well, yeah, of course.”

“And you didn’t get any of that from Dane at all. Do you realize that even the dumbest fucking people in the world know how to show the ones they care about that they, in fact, care? It isn’t hard and it isn’t an inconvenience. I can’t even believe this is up for debate.”

“Neither can I.” Tears pricked Kimber’s eyes as she thought of all the hurt she’d endured, thinking it would somehow be worth it in the end. It hadn’t been, and it also could’ve been easily avoided—she didn’t know which was more disappointing. She gave a watery sigh. “You know what’s so fucking sad to me? After all Dane and I have been through, he’s just going to turn into a story of mine, never anything more.”

Jay heaved a giant breath of his own. “You don’t have to look at it that way. You’re just choosing to make yourself sad now.”

“Because the whole thing is sad.” Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Maybe it is, but I don’t want you
to be sad, too. You need to get pissed. Like, really pissed. Think of all the times he screwed you over. I’ll help you.” He held up a finger. “First, remember last year? He threw that party without inviting you and you later found out they’d all been playing Spin the Bottle. Then he made you feel like you had no reason to be pissed because they were all friends, just trading little pecks. Hate to break to you, but that’s not normal. Someone who really loved you would never have done that, let alone played.”

“Mmm-hmm.” A new wave of anger regarding an old crime washed over Kimber.

“I also recall he got mad at you when you wouldn’t come over to his place at three in the morning after a bad gig and an even worse after party, so he burned himself with a cigarette so he’d always be reminded of the time you betrayed him.”

Kimber gritted her teeth, too furious to refute what she knew was true.

“Then there was the time he got drunk and threw a plate of instant rice through his last neighbor’s upstairs window.”

“That was a dark time for him. He was depressed after getting kicked out of school.”

“Which brings me to that whole fiasco. Remember how hard he tried to appeal to the dean’s decision?”

“No. He barely tried at all.” Confused, Kimber glanced at Jay, who slanted her a look.

“Exactly my point. And what was the alternative to trying? Being unemployed and living with his parents for an entire year. Now he finally has a job, and what is it? Working at a car wash, doing Jesus Christ knows what, considering machines do all the work.” Jay shook his head. “I could list a thousand more reasons, but I’ll skip to the most recent one. Namely, you broke up with him, and he’s done nothing to convince you not to or win you back. If he wanted to call, he would’ve called. If he wanted to move in with you, he would’ve. If he wanted to be with you, he would be, or he’d at least make the effort to be with you, even if you were getting hitched to another guy on some Hawaiian mountaintop. He’d crash the wedding and threaten to fling himself off the cliff if you didn’t choose him instead. He’d do anything he possibly could, and then some.”

“I told him not to call me back,” she said, knowing her excuse was as weak as her voice.

“Trust me, that wouldn’t stop anyone who really didn’t want to let someone go.”

Kimber worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment before heaving a sigh of resignation. “Jesus. You’re so right. What have I been thinking?” She stopped walking and pressed her fingertips to her temples. “How could I have forgiven all that? How could I have let any of that slide?”

“Don’t do that.” Jay stopped in front of her and grabbed her shoulders, stooping slightly so they were eye level. “You feeling shitty about your decisions wasn’t the point of that exercise. The point was for you to recognize how much better off you are without him. Kim, think about it—you will never, ever have to deal with any of that again. The worst is over, and you lived through it and dealt with it. You should be proud of yourself.”

Kimber dropped her hands to her sides and stared at Jay and the determined look in his eyes. “Yeah. That’s true.” She growled and slapped a palm to her forehead. “I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. It’s nonsense.”

“I agree. You’re too hot to have these problems.”

She laughed and gave his shoulder a push. “And yet I do. Why’s it so hard to find a guy?”

“It’s easy to find a guy. We do make up about half the world’s population, you know.”

“I mean, a cool guy. A soul mate or whatever.”

“Soul mates. Pff. Soul mates are for the Dr. Phil, eHarmony-type. At this point in the game, all you can do is try to find someone you can stand to be around, and someone who can stand to be around you. If you got that, I think you’re pretty lucky.”

“That seems too simple, too callous. I want to think there’s something more magical than that. I want a Moan.”

“What the hell is a Moan?”

“It’s a term I made up for a person of your preferred gender who embodies absolute romantic ecstasy for you, enough to make you moan with pleasure. He or she is so moanlicious that he or she is powerful enough to give you a physical, emotional, and spiritual orgasm.”

“A spiritual orgasm? What’s that? I want one.”

“Join the club.”

“So is Dane your Moan?”

“No, I guess not. And you finally helped me see that.” She sighed, feeling a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. “I’m so glad you’re on my side.”

“Always. Now come here, you.” He wrapped his arms around her and she sank into his embrace, squeezing his waist with all her might until he gasped. “Easy now. You’re supposed to be giving me a hug, not cracking my rib.”

“Sorry.” Kimber giggled as she loosened her grip. She rested her face against his chest and relaxed, feeling comforted and safe. What had she done before Jay came along? What would she ever do without him? It was an unfathomable question; Jay had been one of the only constants in her life, and for that she was grateful. “You know, you always give the best hugs, and I like how you don’t let go until I do. I guess the tutorial I gave you in high school really left its impression on you.”

“I didn’t just remember the lesson. It’s that I never really want to let go.”

Kimber’s brain numbed at his words, which she couldn’t be sure she truly understood.

“You know,” he continued, his voice low, “I’m really trying to resist the urge to kiss you right now.”

She laughed, trying to break the unusual, awkward atmosphere falling over what she’d thought was a friendly embrace. “Right. Because I’m so irresistible today, crying all over you.”

“I want you all over me.”

Too stunned to reply, Kimber froze as Jay lowered his head and kissed her softly but firmly. He caught her upper lip between his and gave it a gentle tug, warmth creeping through her despite the warning bells in her head. She closed her eyes as he kissed her again, this time with a little more urgency, a little more need. That small escalation shocked Kimber back into her senses and she turned her head, giving him her cheek. “Jay, no. We can’t.”

“Yes, we can.” His lips found her exposed neck and his kisses grew desperate as they traveled lower to meet her collarbone.

“No, this isn’t right.” She wriggled in his arms, trying to shake off his grip and his mouth’s lingering spell. “We’re friends. We don’t do this sort of thing.”

“Clearly we do.”

“No, we don’t.” Kimber pushed away from him and stepped backward until she bumped into a tree trunk. She pressed her fingertips to her still-tingling mouth like a shield. “We can’t. This—us—it wouldn’t be right.”

Jay’s jaw tightened as he pressed his lips together and looked away, glancing toward the way they had come like a man steeling himself to walk over hot coals. After a long pause, he said, “I should get you home.”

Kimber’s throat constricted as a sharp pang of regret punctured her heart, and she shuffled beside Jay in silence as they made their way back to the car. Her fear intensified with every step, robbing her of the ability to even begin to know how to repair the damage. It was impossible to concentrate on anything but how she’d just ruined one of the most important friendships she ever had.

They returned to the Monte Carlo, and Jay started the car and immediately switched on the radio, filling the awkward lack of conversation. The action wounded Kimber further; she dreaded talking about what just happened but was terrified what would happen if it wasn’t addressed. Clearly, Jay was not about to bring up the topic. She watched him on the ride home from the corner of her eye, noticing his blank, unreadable expression and how he drove the car like he was going to be graded on his efforts. An outsider wouldn’t even bat an eye at his behavior. Kimber knew better. She licked her dry lips and looked out the window, wondering if she would ever see him again. It was a histrionic thought, but what else was she supposed to think at this point?

Jay pulled up in front of Kimber’s apartment building and let the car idle, both hands still on the wheel as he looked in the rearview mirror. “All right, see you around.”

Kimber felt ready to crack in half and curled her fingers into fists. “Jay, will you look at me?”

He turned to her, his face stoic and impossible to interpret. He said nothing.

“I’m sorry about what happened back there.” She swallowed hard. “I don’t want it to ever be weird between us. You’re my best friend in the world and I hate the thought of ever losing you. I care about you so much.”

Jay broke eye contact again, his gaze returning to the rearview as he scratched his shoulder. “I know.”

Another silence fell between them, making Kimber want to scream. “Well, what’s going to happen now? Has everything changed? Are we not friends anymore?”

After several excruciating moments, he finally said, “No. We’re still friends.”

“Okay. Good.” Kimber noticed that he still refused to look at her but she had run out of things to say. She sensed he wasn’t saying what he wanted to, but she didn’t have enough proof to demand honesty, especially when she wasn’t sure she wanted him to be too honest. She hooked her fingers in the door handle. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yep.” He nodded as she climbed out of the car. “Later.”

Kimber watched him drive away, feeling like a wrecking ball had slammed into her chest. It was the first time they’d parted in years without a hug goodbye.

* * *

“I’ve figured out what your problem is,” Ferney announced the next day when Kimber slid into the passenger seat of her sister’s Subaru Legacy.

“Great, I can’t wait to hear what it is.” Kimber raked a hand through her unwashed hair and adjusted the giant Jackie O sunglasses on her face, suddenly feeling self-conscious. A few minutes ago, rolling out of bed without showering had seemed like a great idea after a night of crying with little sleep. Now, next to Ferney, who looked fresh and classy to suit her titling and abstracting job for the gas company, she wished she didn’t look as horrible as she felt. Attempting to look like a normal person who bathed and wore clean clothes probably would’ve gone a long way to feeling at least an ounce better.

Ferney peeled away from Kimber’s apartment complex, narrowly missing taking out a row of mailboxes without batting an eye. “The last person you slept with spent six years not worshipping you like you deserve. This can be attributed to the fact that prior to him, your experience with men was so limited you never learned how to assert your needs in the bedroom.”

Kimber grunted in response, half listening and half wondering if she could fall asleep behind her sunglasses without her sister noticing.