The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (40 page)

Definitely not. A woman is not a machine whose dials, levers, and buttons always produce the same effect. She is moody and cyclic, so her husband must be sensitive to her needs. When she is particularly passionate, a man can manipulate her clitoris immediately, but that is the exception, not the rule. Ordinarily she has to be kissed, caressed, and fondled in various parts of her body before she is ready for him to
gently
stroke the clitoris. Many wives complain that when their husbands learn about the clitoris, they often joggle it crudely as if it were a switch that is supposed to start their desire motor. The husband may ignite his outboard motor that way, but it won’t work with his wife. Gentle tenderness is the way to arouse a woman’s desire.

What about oral manipulation of breasts?

This is a common part of lovemaking with most couples. While many women enjoy it thoroughly, others do not. If it turns his wife off, a husband should find other ways to stimulate her.

Fornication

Is there a difference between adultery and fornication?

The Bible uses the terms
adultery
and
fornication
interchangeably in some places and separately in others. Some people try to distinguish between them, suggesting that adultery is infidelity on the part of married people and fornication involves intercourse between the unmarried or when one is unmarried. We can’t see that it makes any difference. Both are forbidden and condemned in the Bible, which states that “those who [continually] live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19–21; cf. 1 Cor. 6:9).

Free Love

Why shouldn’t healthy young people who have to wait several years to think about marriage practice free love as long as they are honest with each other? It is a natural way to reduce their sexual pressure.

This question is increasingly on the minds even of Christian young people today. And it is a commentary on the effectiveness of the humanistic philosophy being offered by most secular educators. We propose the following reasons for preserving sexual intercourse for marriage.

1. It will maintain your spiritual and physical health. All sexual intercourse outside marriage is condemned in the Bible; consequently you will never be a strong, growing Christian while practicing free love. Physically it is hazardous, for it leads to promiscuity if the relationship is broken. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has branded venereal disease the number one health hazard in the nation today for persons under twenty four years of age. A high school principal said recently that one out of every five graduating seniors has either had or carries venereal disease. Thus free love is a risky business.

2. Sex was never intended to be an impersonal bodily exercise like swimming or football. It is an intensely emotional experience; therefore, sex without love before marriage hinders a person from pursuing sex as an expression of love after the wedding.

3. Free love usually results in the creation of unfair and unnecessary comparisons. A Don Juan may be “a great lover” but an inferior person, whereas an excellent man to marry and father your children may be somewhat lacking in bed. Some wives prefer their husbands in every other aspect of life, but because of previous experience are dissatisfied with their lovemaking.

4. Guilt often rushes in like a flood after a person reaches thirty years of age, particularly in a woman, destroying a lifetime of wholesome love experiences.

5. It often keeps a person from finding the right mate later on. Like begets like—you won’t find dedicated Christians from whom to select a life’s partner among the free-love crowd.

6. Free love isn’t free. A twenty-one-year-old young woman wrote “Dear Abby,” urging her to warn young women that “free love isn’t free.” She admitted that she had been promiscuous since the age of fourteen and now had to undergo an operation to keep V.D. from destroying her life. “It cost me the opportunity of ever becoming a mother.” The day I read that story, I couldn’t help but remember the twenty-two-year-old Vietnam veteran who admitted to practicing “free love” while in the service. He wept as he said, “V.D. has left me completely sterile.” There is no way in the world that a few exciting experiences in one’s youth can equal a lifetime of love experiences with a married partner, not to mention the joys of being a parent.

7. Free love is wrong. God’s standards are not flexible, nor does time erode them. Virtue, chastity, and modesty are still the primary building blocks of marriage. Never has a woman come to me with a guilt complex because she has entered marriage virtuously, but many have requested counseling for the opposite reason. The Devil has always been a “deceiver” of mankind; in fact, our Lord called him a liar, and the apostle Paul reminds us that “Satan… masquerades as an angel of light” (2 Cor. 11:14). Free love is a lie of the Devil. Those who heed it are “not wise.”

How should parents treat a son or daughter who is living with someone without marriage?

This is one of the most distressing experiences a parent can endure. As one mother exclaimed, “I would rather hear that she died!” I’m not sure she
really
felt that way, but it seemed so at the time. Such an outburst, however, does display a parent’s concern.

No matter what your children do, they are still your children and in need of your love. For that reason, don’t shut them out of your life. They know you don’t approve of their conduct, and you may feel that you can’t visit in their home without appearing to condone their actions. But we feel that you should welcome both of them into your home and avoid preaching at them or condemning them all the time—the Holy Spirit will do that. If you continue to express your love (but not your approval), then when the illicit relationship finally blows up, you will be able to help them pick up the pieces of their lives. Read the story of the prodigal son’s father in Luke 15.

Please discuss “living together” before marriage. My friends feel it is unfair to both partners if they cannot try it out for a while to see if they are compatible before making a lifetime commitment.

Such patently humanistic logic is expressly forbidden in the Bible. There is no guarantee that courtship or engagement will lead to marriage. Only a most unwise couple engages in premarital sex; in fact, it is the leading cause of guilt feelings after marriage.

In our survey we asked the question, “If you were getting married all over again, what one thing would you change?” The number one answer was, “I would not engage in premarital sex.”

The survey also indicated that women who were virgins at the time of marriage registered a higher satisfaction level than did the promiscuous.

Frequency

How often does an average couple make love?

Most researchers and writers in the field of sexual adjustment in marriage are reluctant to publish “an average” as a norm. Obviously people are not “average,” but individuals; in addition, many complex factors must be considered: What are the ages of the couple? Are they raising small children in cramped quarters? Do they enjoy bedroom privacy? Does the husband have an emotionally pressurized administrative job, or does he do hard manual labor? Does the wife work, cook meals, and keep house? Did they come from loving homes? Are they happy? What are their views of married love? Are they Christians? What temperaments do they represent?

Dr. Wheat recalls a survey on this subject involving five thousand couples. The results of the survey revealed that the average frequency was two to three times a week. Dr. Herbert J. Miles’ survey of young couples indicated that the frequency was once every 3.3 days, or about twice a week. A
Parade Magazine
article on the sex life of six thousand modern executives of all ages who were confronted with the pressures of business reported an average of once a week. Our survey taken from Christians who attended our seminars indicates that about three times a week over the entire period of marriage was “average.”

Actually whatever rate of frequency brings enjoyment and fulfillment to the two of you is “average” for you. A couple should not keep score on their love; they should be spontaneous, giving, sharing, and enjoying it whenever it occurs.

How much does tiredness due to extended activities affect frequency of intercourse?

Tiredness affects frequency far more than many people realize. Most people go to bed too late these days (after the eleven o’clock news); 11:30
P.M.
to midnight may be great for sleeping, but it is bad timing for loving.

How can a wife have the same sexual desires as her husband?

It is not uncommon for a young wife to be aware of her husband’s stronger sex drive and feel somewhat inadequate as a result. Caring for two or three preschool children can accentuate this problem because of boredom, tiredness, or both. But if she and her husband grow in love toward the Lord and each other, gradually improving their lovemaking techniques, the wife’s desire for love will slowly increase through the years until she will desire him as frequently as he does her.

Does God expect a Christian wife to be compatible sexually with her husband? I feel unhappy for myself as well as my husband; I don’t know what to do about it.

God intended the act of marriage to be a mutually enjoyable experience. Since the wife asked this question, she probably has not learned to achieve a satisfying orgasm regularly. If she and her husband will study this book carefully and experiment with each other accordingly, she will learn that art. Once that is achieved, her desire for the experience will increase.

According to Ephesians 5:22, wives should always submit (willingly and joyfully) to their husbands’ advances. What if we are honestly tired? The times I have said no have left me feeling quite guilty, and I resent the guilt.

If you really were too tired, you shouldn’t feel guilty. A loving husband can understand tiredness, even though he may be disappointed. But don’t let it become a habit, and make sure it isn’t an excuse. If it’s just an excuse for resentment, selfishness, revenge, or something else, you will naturally feel guilty. Speak “the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15), then go to sleep with a clear conscience.

I feel I need sexual intercourse more frequently, but my wife doesn’t want it. How can this be changed (we average about once every two weeks)?

First, you should analyze whether you “love” your wife or “use” her. Our survey indicates that many wives who have never experienced orgasm still enjoy lovemaking. They relish the closeness, tenderness, and endearment that always accompanies real lovemaking. But the man who is too selfish to learn the art of lovemaking and uses his wife to relieve his sexual tensions will never create desire in her for the relationship. Unless there are medical problems or deep-rooted emotional problems from their past, most married women’s attitudes toward lovemaking reflect their husbands’ treatment. It is a rare couple who needs sex counseling when the husband has consistently expressed genuine love for his wife, studied the art of coitus, and taken plenty of time for tenderness in foreplay and protracted cuddling after ejaculation. Consider these comments from women’s responses in our sex survey:

—“Besides sexual foreplay, I feel a strong need of being cuddled and held after the orgasmic ejaculation, a soothing ‘afterglow.’ I feel that female orgasm in every intercourse has been overemphasized.”

—“Please stress how important a husband’s treatment of his wife is during the day and how it affects her sex life at the end of the day (manners, temper, etc.).”

—“Encourage the husband to tell his wife he loves her, etc., during intercourse and at other times. Even though I know my husband loves me, it’s just nice to hear it often.”

We are so busy in our church (meetings in evenings, etc.) that it is hard to find time to fit in a love life. How should we handle this?

When married people are too busy for love, they are too busy! Nothing should crowd that necessary part of life into disuse—even the church. God established both institutions—the church and the home. They should never be competitive; instead, He planned them to be cooperative. When the church takes excessive time at the expense of the home, your priorities are out of balance. We suggest that you evaluate your schedule, and if you’re really neglecting your home and family to attend meetings night after night, it is time to cut out some activities and stay home.

As a person looks to Christ more totally, doesn’t the emphasis on sex become diminished and less important as true love binds the couple?

Looking to Christ doesn’t change bodily needs and functions. Since Spirit-filled Christians get hungry, thirsty, and tired, why shouldn’t they maintain a desire for lovemaking? After all, it is a perfectly sacred experience between married partners. Our survey shows that Spirit-filled Christians make love more frequently on the average than other couples in today’s society. Besides, “true love” looks for an opportunity to express itself; lovemaking is the God-ordained arena for love’s expression.

What does a wife do whose husband does not need sex more than once or twice a month (and the wife wants it two to three times a week)?

Have a good talk with him. He may be masturbating now and then, or he may just not be aware of your desire. Check your submission; if you are an unsubmissive wife, this may be his subconscious way of getting back at you. Then try to be more seductive in the bedroom. Not many men can keep from being aroused by a sexually stimulating wife.