The Bars That Hold Us (15 page)

The battle still rages, forcing my subconscious to the forefront of my mind
, making me face a reality that I’d sometimes like to bury. I’m not under any illusions, though. I know what this is, and it isn’t love. Well, maybe it’s love of a different kind. It’s comfort and solace and a deep understanding of pain and pleasure and what they can both do to a person. Saxon makes my pain easier to bear, the pleasure a helping hand in doing that.

He takes me away from reality, and I let him willingly. I don’t hide from it anymore. I grab, steal and force the moments from him because of the way he makes me feel. And trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than dead inside.

There is something about him that gives just as much as he takes. While he’s also gaining something from the moments we share with each other, I feel him giving me more of him than he rightly should. He wants to fix the broken side of me, the woman who needs to be shown that life does indeed go on. Even when there are no words exchanged, his example is all the explanation I need.

Sometimes he catches me. He knows where my headspace is at. He hates that the gri
ps of Danny’s ghost still cause me anguish – causes me to second guess myself and him. What he doesn’t realize is that I’m relying on him more and more to replace the sadness that Danny’s memory fills me with. That in itself only serves to make me feel guilty as sin.

There are moments when I shudder to think what Daniel would say about my continued affair with a convicted criminal. He’d roll over in his grave, I’m sure.

The only comfort I can give myself when these moments come, are to convince myself that Daniel wouldn’t want me to be miserable. He’d want me to be happy, and as much as Saxon is every wrong choice on paper, he’s the only one who makes me feel like
me
again – the me who was once young and vibrant, willing to embrace each day as opposed to shying away from it.

He’s watching me now, knowing that I’m thinking again. Stewing is probably a better analogy. Without a word he puts his brush down and wipes his hands on the rag hooked over the waistband of his pants.
He takes a quick peek out of the library door before coming over to sit next to me. Without permission or caution, he sweeps me up into his lap and holds me close against his firm chest. His embrace is warm and comforting.

‘Talk to me,’ he commands. His voice is warm and husky, and although he wants me to tell him what’s on my mind, he’s by no means forceful.

‘This will all be over soon.’ The sound of my voice bothers me more than it should. I sound troubled again, which I know is not what he or I want.

‘Hey
, look at me.’ I half turn to gaze upon the planes of his face. Dark stubble covers his features and his green eyes twinkle with warmth. His hair is a lot shorter than when I first laid eyes on him, but it suits him. He swivels me all the way around so that I’m straddling him.

He grabs my ass and slides me closer towards him, his arms running up the length of my back and pulling me closer to his chest. I lean forward and kiss him unexpectedly. He deepens it straightaway, always ready to take more than I’m offering.

‘We should have these kinds of chats more often,’ he says.

‘The library will be finished soon.’

‘Hey,’ he grins, lifting my chin so I look him in the eye. ‘I can always tell the warden I’d be happy to work on the flooring.’

I haven’t wanted to tell him, but I’ve already met with the warden recently. I know our time is almost up, yet I can’t bring myself to believe that this is all there is.

‘They’re getting a professional in to contract the job. We’re finished in here as soon as you put the last lick of lacquer on the bookshelves.’

‘Well, I’ve got a meeting with the parole board early next week. You never know, they could always approve me for early release. My jacket certainly doesn’t show any bad behavior since I’ve been in the joint.’

‘Maybe.’

‘Mercy Cole, I might think you’re starting to care about me.’

‘I just—’

‘I’d miss you, too, sweetheart. You’re not alone, okay. I’m still here and I’ll find a way to be with you.’

I run my hands under his shirt, wanting to cling to him while I know he’s still here.

‘Jesus! Your hands are like ice.’ He removes them and brings them up to his mouth, blowing hot air across my fingertips to warm them up. His breath tickles me, dancing across my skin like feather tips.

‘Saxon, please… hold me.’

He crushes me to him, holding me
, placing warm kisses up and down my neck. His touch is heady, making me forget time as I get lost in his caress. I want to stay here – not here in the library, but here in his embrace where I feel safe—loved, even though the word is too strong for what we have.

But I can’t. Reality awaits and there’s no escaping time. It comes and goes whether you’re ready or not.

‘We need to get going.’

‘It’s still early,’ he responds, nipping my lip between his teeth. He’s gone from comforter to ravisher in the blink of an eye. His hands are getting busy, tugging at my shirt and becoming insistent with my belt buckle. My eyes roll into the back of my head, which lulls back from the pleasure and attention he’s paying my neck. His hot tongue dips lower, licking the skin between my breasts.

‘I want you,’ he growls.

‘My shift finishes early today.’

‘How come?’

‘I’m going out to dinner with my family.’

‘Special occasion?’ he asks, suddenly more interested in my dinner arrangements than seducing me.

‘It’s my brother’s birthday,’ I say without thinking. I notice the sadness creep into his eyes. It’s not something I see a lot from him lately, but there it is, and it’s all my fault. ‘I’m so sorry, Saxon. That was extremely insensitive of me.’

‘No, don’t worry about it.’ He brushes a strand of hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear as he kisses my lips again.

‘I wasn’t thinking. It’s insensitive of me to mention it when you’ve missed out on the last three years with your own family.’

‘It’s okay, really it is. You deserve to go out and have a good time. In fact, if you don’t come back and tell me what a great night you had, I’m going to be really grouchy with you.’

‘You don’t look like you do grouchy.’

‘I do, so look out.’ He grabs me playfully now, eager to erase any lingering sorrow over lost time that he’ll never get back. He kisses me hungrily, almost desperate to recapture the bond we share. Within these four walls that shield us from other prisoners we have managed to create the illusion of actually forging a relationship of some kind. The mention of me going out into the real world tonight has made it visible to both of us that everything we have here is not exactly as it appears – that what’s going on here isn’t real.

I leave Saxon with a kiss that I hope erases such talk. I don’t want to make him miserable any more than he does me. That wouldn’t be fair. When it’s time to lock him back in his cell, I realize how badly I want to take him home. I realize that what I feel runs deeper than I’d like to admit.

His hands clutch the bars between us and I allow my fingertips to graze them as I lock the door.

‘See you soon, Mercy.’ It’s but a whisper—a promise, intended only for me. I walk away before I’m unable to.

Damn Saxon Miles, he’s not supposed to affect me so!

There’s no getting out of Flannigan’s tonight. The whole family is here – even Mike has traveled home to celebrate the youngest of the brothers’ birthday. Even though I’m the baby, Harry is still mothered like he carries the title.

I arrive to find jugs of beer already on the table, everybody getting merry and wishing like hell I could just get out of here. Once upon a time I would have loved the raucous interactions and joined in heartily. Now it’s just a reminder that some things change for the better, and some for the worse.

My brothers jump up and greet me, embracing like it’s been years rather than the few month
s since we were doing this for Mom’s birthday. These boys wear their hearts on their sleeves and nothing, and I do mean
nothing
, comes before family. 

‘Mercy! Give me a kiss will you!’ Mike grabs me first, planting a big wet beer kiss on my cheek before fobbing me off to Harry and John.

‘Happy birthday, Harry.’ I offer him the present I bought him and he accepts it with a wink. My dad smiles at me from across the table and my mom waits patiently for me to make the rounds to her.

‘Hey, Mo
m.’ I kiss her soft, smooth cheek. She always seems so delicate. I’m amazed she made it through motherhood with the rowdy bunch of boys she has. She’s a good mother – very sensible and practical, although it’s always been my dad who I’ve connected with the best. That’s probably because we are similar in a lot of ways.

I take my seat and gratefully sip on the beer John pours me. His girlfriend, Anna
, is here and I wave to her absently. While Harry opens his presents, more and more family arrive to join the party – all generations of beat cops and detectives. You wouldn’t want anyone to commit a crime while this lot are in the place – they’d be on it like shit stuck to a blanket.

I’m making my way through my second pint and feeling awfully giddy when John comes over to my seat.

‘How ‘bout my favorite sister comes and gives me a hand with a few beer jugs, huh?’

‘Sure.’ I’m happy enough on liquid gold to agree to anything right now. I follow him up to the bar and wait patiently while he places our order.

‘So, Mercy, how’s the new job working out?’ He has to raise his voice a little to be heard over the din of the clientele.

‘It’s fine,’ I offer, non-committedly. He leans in closer, as though what he’s got to say has to do with just
the two of us.

‘You know, people are talking.’

‘About what?’ A little stab of uneasiness runs through my belly, but I’m not sure if I should pay him any mind. It could be the beer talking.

‘About what you’re doing over there at the prison.’
I flinch as his words and innuendo strike home.

‘Are you fucking for real?’ I hiss, glancing around us to see if anyone is listening in.

‘Calm down. You know I’d knock anybody’s teeth out if they said anything to my face. I’m just giving you the heads up, is all.’

‘Just what are you saying, Harry? So I’m left alone with a prisoner and suddenly I’m fucking him!’