The Best Goodbye (15 page)

She moved her hips slightly, and the heat in her eyes ignited. “Oh, that . . . oh,” she said softly. She was moving her sensitive clit over the ridge in my jeans. I held her still.

“Don’t, baby. This will be over before it begins if you do that. I can’t handle it. I’m already too close,” I told her, my voice low and gravelly.

“OK, well, can you get naked, then, too?”

The fact that she was turned on enough to ask me something so brave and out of character had me smiling. Addy was asking me to get naked. If I was asleep, I was going to wake up so fucking pissed.

Listening to Franny talk about our dinner date with Captain in two nights’ time was hard. I wasn’t ready to see him, much less have dinner with him. As a matter of fact, as soon as Franny left for school that morning, I was calling in sick. I didn’t want to face him today. Not after the roller coaster last night.

I went from feeling like we were connecting to feeling totally rejected. I actually wanted him, but he had tossed me aside because I hadn’t had sex in ten years. To make things even more brilliant, when Brad had joked that he’d put a corn cob up the ass of a particularly difficult guest, which was the only thing that had made me laugh that whole shitty day, Captain had come stalking into the kitchen like a madman. He was furious because Brad had made me laugh? Was that unacceptable?

“And I told Cameron how tall my dad is and that he has big muscles. He has big muscles, doesn’t he, Mommy?”

Yes, her father had muscles. Not the body-builder kind but the tough working-man kind. I nodded and took a mouthful of my oatmeal. He also had really amazing eyes, and his lashes were long and dark compared with the highlights in his hair.

“She said her daddy was bigger, but I know he’s not. Mine is more handsome. I know that. I don’t think anyone has a daddy as handsome as mine.”

She had a point there. I wasn’t going to comment, though. I just kept spooning up my oatmeal.

“Do you think he’ll be at my birthday party?”

Franny’s birthday wasn’t for another five months. I had no idea what the future held for us and Captain. I had never lied to her before. I’d been honest about everything. Except, of course, keeping the truth from her about the reason we were in Rosemary Beach, but that had been a temporary omission.

“I don’t know, Franny. That’s a long way off, and we’re just now easing him into our lives. He could move away.” I’d heard he’d never planned on sticking around here for long. “He could visit you when he has time. I just don’t know right now.”

The light in Franny’s eyes dimmed some. I hated to be the cause of that, but how could I promise her something I wasn’t sure of?

“If he can be there, then he will be. That I do know,” I assured her, wanting to ease my too-blunt answer.

She smiled then. “I bet he’ll want to be. You can make a big, yummy red velvet cake. I love those. He does, too—he said so. I asked him. He’ll love yours. You make the best.”

“If red velvet is what you want, then that’s what I’ll make,” I assured her.

She seemed happy with this. Standing up, she walked over and kissed my cheek. “I’ll brush my teeth, and then I’ll be ready for school.”

I nodded, gave her a squeeze, and watched my little girl bounce off. I wanted her to have it all. And to her, Captain was part of that.

If only I could control everything in her life and fulfill all of her hopes and dreams.

•  •  •

Once Addy was at school and I was back home, I put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and decided it was a good time to clean the house from top to bottom. I was thankful it was Jamieson who answered when I called in sick. He told me he hoped I was better soon and was very professional and polite. I wondered how long his enthusiasm was going to last.

Not having to deal with Captain had been a major plus for me. I wasn’t sure if this would affect my night off, though. I knew he wanted to eat with Franny. I figured since he was still the boss, he’d make sure I was still off work that night.

Today’s plan was to clean and forget yesterday completely. Especially the moments in his office when I’d made a fool of myself by melting into him like an idiot. The way he had dismissed me so easily had felt like being doused with a bucket of cold water. After watching the way he’d treated women for the past month, I had thought I was smarter than that.

I didn’t blame Elle now. If he’d turned that smoldering, breathtaking intensity on her, no wonder she was obsessed with him. And he hadn’t turned her away, either. He’d taken what she was offering. My offering, however, was too inexperienced for him. Asshole. Womanizing asshole.

Once, I had been what he wanted. The fact I’d only been with him had made us closer. He’d been proud of it and made me feel special. Our eyes would lock across a crowded hallway at school, and we’d connect without words. It had bonded us in a way that ruined me for anyone else. I hadn’t wanted that kind of connection with someone else.

That had changed for him, though. He wanted other things now, and he didn’t want to teach me. Fine. Whatever. I didn’t need him, either. The only thing I hated was that his actions were tarnishing the memory of what we once had. I’d held the memory of one particular night close, and it had kept me warm when I was lonely. Now it was not enough. Or maybe
I
simply wasn’t enough.

Ten years ago

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Could others see that I was different? I felt different, and I could see the difference.

River had held me for hours last night after we’d had sex. Then he’d cleaned me up and taken care of my sheets early this morning, before pulling me back into his arms for a kiss and going back to his room.

I hadn’t been able to go back to sleep after he’d left. All I could do was smile as I stared at the ceiling, remembering every moment. It had hurt, but the way he had held me and whispered in my ear about how much he loved me had helped ease the throbbing until he could move again.

His face when he’d stilled and stared down at me, his jaw going slack and his eyes glazing over, had been beautiful. I wanted to see that again. Seeing the condom as he’d pulled it off, streaked with my blood, had startled me, but he’d taken his T-shirt and cleaned between my legs, telling me it was normal the first time. I trusted him. I didn’t feel that saying I loved him was enough now. It was so much more than that. He was what completed me. He made my life full.

Now River came up behind me, slipped his arms around my waist, and looked at our reflection in the mirror. I watched him as he turned his head to kiss my temple before looking back at me. Our eyes said more than we ever could.

His tanned arms were turning into the muscular arms of a man, and I loved having them around me. I also loved the way they’d flexed as he’d held himself over me last night. For a moment, I’d been lost in the way the muscles moved with each rock of his hips. Another thing about him that was beautiful.

“How do you feel?” he asked me, watching me closely.

The smile on my face should have told him all he needed to know. “Perfect.”

He swallowed hard and put his palm flat against my stomach and pulled me tighter against his chest. “Me, too.”

Her car was in the driveway when I pulled up to Addy’s house. When I’d gotten to the office and found out she’d called in sick, I had turned and walked right back out. She wasn’t sick. At least, I hoped she wasn’t. I was more than positive she’d called in sick to stay away from me. Which I deserved, dammit. Last night had gone wrong. I wanted to get close to her and have a relationship with my daughter.

I wanted Addy. There, I said it. I fucking wanted Addy. The idea of her with anyone else drove me mad. But how could I have her? The man I was now could never be someone she would love.

I parked my truck and headed for her door, not sure what I intended to say, but I had to say something. This thing between us had to be fixed for Franny’s sake—and my sanity. Sleeping last night had been impossible. The look on Addy’s face before she had turned and walked out of my office had taunted me. How could I protect her from me? I’d protected her from everyone else, but I’d never had to protect her from me.

The small porch of the guest house they rented was clean, with potted flowers giving the place a homey feel. Even the steps were swept clean. Addy gave our daughter so much. I’d never be able to give her what Addy could. But I wanted to give her everything in my power.

Before I hit the top step, the door swung open, and Addy stood there, glaring at me. That should have been the first thing I worried about: what I was going to say to fix this. But that wasn’t what caught my attention.

She wasn’t wearing a bra. Her much larger breasts were crammed into a top that wasn’t quite big enough to contain them. God help me, I wanted her naked.

“Why are you here?” she snapped.

I had to shake my head and force my eyes off her tits to regain focus. Looking up at her angry face helped. I didn’t want her angry at me. I had to find a way to make up for last night and the shitty way I’d handled things. But she needed a bra. A potato sack would be even better. “I came to talk,” I said.

“Talk,” she said, not moving from the door, a look of steel on her face. That only made her hotter. A mad Addy was not a scary one.

“Can I come in?”

“No,” she snapped.

I was going to have to do better than this. “Addy, I’m sorry. I was an asshole last night, and I would like to talk about what happened. Please.”

That softened her up a bit. I could see the anger she was using like a shield slip some. She bit down on her bottom lip and took a step back. That was a good sign. “OK. Fine.”

When she turned to walk back inside, I took the moment to enjoy the view of her ass. It was a jerk move, but her body was so filled out now, and I hadn’t seen it naked looking like this. The body I had once claimed as mine no longer looked the same, and I wanted to see more of it.

“Would you like a drink?” she asked, glancing back at me.

I jerked my gaze off her butt to shake my head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“OK, then, talk.” She looked at me with a directness I wasn’t used to from her. Lately, she hardly looked me in the eyes. But then I’d brought that on myself, too. She motioned for me to take a seat on the sofa, and she sat in the chair across from it.

I wished I’d come more prepared. I had made a rushed decision to come over once she wasn’t at work, but now that I had her alone, I didn’t know where to start. She looked annoyed. Again, I wasn’t used to that.

“What happened in my office, I handled that wrong. I got caught up in the moment, and then your words brought me back to reality. For . . .” I paused, because this next part needed to be worded carefully. Upsetting her now wasn’t a good idea. I doubted she’d give me another chance to rectify things. And for Franny’s sake more than anything else, I needed her to like me. Trust me. Again.

“The past ten years vanished, and it was just us. You were . . . mine, and I lost my head. I was back there in that time when you trusted me and you were the reason I woke up every morning. My head was slow catching up with my heart or emotions or whatever. I just handled it all wrong. When I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I’d taken a step too far.”

Addy’s gaze dropped to her lap as she twisted her hands. I’d have given anything to know what she was thinking. I replayed what I’d said in my head, hoping it sounded the way I’d meant it to. Downplaying what had happened between us wasn’t what I wanted to do. Not with Addy. Because I had been lost in her at that moment and wouldn’t take it back.

“I think I got lost, too. You were just River for a moment. So I understand.” She lifted her gaze to meet mine, and I saw hurt there that twisted my gut. “But what happened in the kitchen? Why did you get so angry? Neither Brad nor I did anything to ignite your anger.”

Shit. Fuck. I didn’t have an answer for this, and if this was why she looked hurt, I hated that even more. The idea that she might have feelings for Brad just about undid me. I couldn’t handle it. No, we weren’t the Addy and River from our past, but hell if I was going to sit back and let her fall in love with another man when I’d been the only one she’d ever known.

That knowledge had kept me up all night. Addy had only been touched by me. She’d given herself to me, and she was still mine in that sense. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she had saved herself for me. In her heart, she belonged to me.

Fuck if that didn’t make me feel like a caveman. I wanted that. I loved it. I obsessed over it. And I wanted to keep it that way. Fact was, I couldn’t keep every Brad out of her life, nor did she deserve that. It wasn’t fair.

Especially since I was too fucked-up to be what she needed.

I knew she was waiting for me to answer her. I could lie. It would be easier on both of us. But I didn’t want to lie to her.

“I was jealous,” I said simply. Her eyes widened, and she didn’t say anything, but the surprise on her face meant that I needed to say more. She’d get the wrong idea.

“You’d just told me I was the only man you’d ever been with. Old feelings came roaring back, and I won’t lie to you, Addy, for a man, that’s intense. Especially when we had the connection we had. One that has stayed with me and changed the course of my life. Knowing you’d only been with me, well, that had me raw. When I heard Brad making you laugh, I snapped. The possessiveness I have no right to feel clawed to the surface, and I acted like a jackass. I shouldn’t have. I won’t again. I’m sorry.”

Addy let out a sigh and nodded. She kept her expression neutral. The only thing that gave anything away was her eyes. They were unsure. That much I knew. I wouldn’t lead her on. I couldn’t do that to her or our daughter. What we needed was a friendship. That was something I could give her. I’d keep the dirt on my hands off her.

“I want to be in Franny’s life. She’s perfect. I thought she was all you, but she’s just your look-alike. She has me in her as well, and seeing that is the most precious gift I’ve ever been given. You were the only family that mattered in my life for so long. Now you’ve given me someone who’s a part of me. Someone I can love unconditionally.”