The Domville 7 (The Domville #7) (10 page)

‘Still think I’m teasing?’ I asked as I staggered back
upright and covered myself with a condom, surprisingly quickly given how drunk
I was. It was like riding a bike, an instinctive action that once learned,
could never be forgotten.

‘You’re fucking incredible. Fuck me, I need you inside
me, now,’ he ordered. I squeezed out the sachet of lube, coating myself and his
twitching arsehole, and tossed the empty wrappers onto the floor, then placed
one arm across the back of his neck, pinning him to the granite as I guided
myself into position, rubbing his hole with the head of my cock until he
started begging me to take him. I wasn’t polite, I didn’t ask if he was sure, I
didn’t go gently and ease myself in. I plunged straight into him with a groan,
crushing his hips to the counter as I speared him. He cried out, reaching up to
grip the taps as I pulled back and rammed into him again.

His heated groans came at the same time as each primal
grunt I made, feeling his tunnel enveloping me, squeezing me. Nadja was tighter
and, unlike with Todd, I enjoyed kissing her. Plus she gave even better head
than Édouard had. I was
in love
with her.
Why the fuck was I doing
this?
He lifted his head as he panted, his eyes completely glazed as we
locked eyes in the mirror in front of us. But I couldn’t see Todd’s face
anymore. All I could see was Tarquin, the guy who bullied me, the guy who first
forced me to touch him and suck him to completion. The guy who started all this
and made me lose the girl I loved. Anger surged through my system. I was twelve
and vulnerable and he’d used me. They’d all used me. It made me feel sick. I
thrust harder, lifting Todd up onto his toes as I viciously took out my
aggression on his backside. Repressed memories of me lying in my dorm room at
night, terrified of when they were going to come and drag me out next, hit me.
I imagined that I was the bully. That I’d hauled Tarquin out of his bed and bent
him over this sink and fucked his arse and made him cry, the way he’d made me
cry when I had to swallow him the first time. I roared in anger as I unleashed
all my bottled-up feelings, fucking Todd harder than I’d ever fucked Nadja,
sweat pouring off my forehead and running down my back. Todd was squealing
below me, crying out my name between expletives and begging for me not to stop.
I was done. I emptied all of those repressed emotions of anger and guilt into the
condom firmly wedged up Todd’s backside. I wanted them gone, I’d already held
onto them for too long and look what it had cost me.

‘Shit, I’ve fucking come,
again
,’ Todd groaned as
he juddered below me. I took a moment to come down, then pulled out of him and
ripped off the condom, tossing it into the waste paper basket by the sink. I
tucked myself in and started to do up my zip. ‘Fuck, Devon, that was … I’ve
never been fucked so hard. I need a few minutes before I show you why I had
this piercing,’ he panted.

‘No, this was a mistake, I need to go,’ I replied flatly
as I fumbled with the button on my suit trousers.

‘After a fuck like that? That was no mistake, it was a
fucking eye opener. You were born for this, Devon. Let me repay the favour.’

‘No! No one’s fucking me!’ I bit. I shoved him away as he
came at me, trying to kiss me again.

‘Come on, Devon, you can’t tell me you don’t want it, not
after you just fucked me like that?’

‘I don’t want it, I don’t want any of this. I’m so
fucking stupid! I’m sorry, Todd. I needed to do that, to get that out of my
system. I just fucking used you to make myself feel better, don’t you get
that?’

‘I have no problem being used, especially not by you. You
wouldn’t be the first guy on the crew to use me.’

‘Well I do! I’m not that guy, I never wanted to be that
guy, Todd. I’m fucking Tarquin! When did I become fucking Tarquin?’ I hated
myself right now.

‘Who the hell is Tarquin?’ Todd asked, reaching up to try
and stop me from buttoning up my shirt. I slapped his hand away and carried on
with determined focus.

‘The reason I’m in here, the reason I just did that to
you, the reason I lost fucking Nadja. I’m straight, Todd, I’m not fucking gay.
I wondered if I was, but this just proved to me that I’m not.’

‘You just came inside me, Devon.’

‘Maybe, but I don’t fancy you, I don’t fancy
any
guy. I was abused when I was younger, ok? I thought maybe I was gay, maybe they
knew that deep down I liked men, that I wanted them to make me do stuff to them.
That’s why I just fucked you, to see if they were right. But you know what? All
I felt was anger. I didn’t enjoy it the way I thought I might. I didn’t get off
on it because I was happy to be doing it, it was just a hole when I needed it.
It didn’t give me a fraction of what I feel when I’m with Nadja and I’ve gone
and fucked that up for nothing.’ I covered my face with my hands. What the hell
had I done? I’d lost Nadja, and for what? For the chance to experiment and fuck
a guy, only to feel sick and disgusted with myself? To realise that it wasn’t
what I wanted after all?

‘So, if that’s how you really feel, Devon, do something
about it. Get her back! I’m sorry about your past, no one deserves that. I get
why you just did what you did, but if you want her more than you want to fuck
guys, that’s your answer. I know I’m gay. I’ve never been turned on looking at
a woman. It takes a guy for me to get a hard on. I
crave
cock, Devon. I
turn my head when I’m walking down the street to check out some hot guy's arse,
I ogle men’s crotches trying to find a cock that will satisfy me. If that’s not
you, if you don’t feel that, if you don’t
do
that, regardless of what
you just did to me, then you’re fucking straight. Go get her back.’

‘I let a guy suck me off and fuck me, Todd. I just did
that to you. What if I’m bisexual?’ I asked as I dropped my hands to look up at
him, desperate for answers.

‘So what if you are? Why’s that different to someone who
either loves women or men? You choose to be with someone because you see a
future with them, because you fall in love with them. Being bi doesn’t change
that, it just means there’s more chance of you finding that one person you’re
meant to be with, as you have more of the population to choose from. But if
right now Nadja’s that person for you, then today it’s women you want more.
Maybe one day you’ll find it’s a guy that you want, but that’s no different to
you having your head turned by another woman if you were with her and were
straight.’ He raised his eyebrows as he looked at me while he tucked himself
back into his boxers. I was pissed and upset, but what he was saying seemed to
make sense. I’d never fancied a guy. I’d never needed a guy, not in the way I
needed Nadja every time I thought about or looked at her. Maybe this was just
what I’d had to do to get this out of my system, to know that I was ready to be
with her, to make that final commitment, for life. I was unequivocally in love
with her, I had been pretty much from the moment we met. So much so that I was
dying inside without her.

‘Fuck,’ I groaned, raking my hands through my hair. ‘I’m
sorry, I’m really sorry, Todd.’

‘Don’t be. I told you I’ve always had a thing about you,
I’m just glad I got to experience some of my fantasies about you. I’d liked to
have had the chance to return the favour, but I can live with a fuck like that.’

‘I don’t … I don’t want the lads …’ I blew out a deep
breath as I held his gaze.

‘You can trust me, I won’t tell anyone. It won’t do my
reputation any good if it got out that I came so fast, once without you even
touching my cock, or that I couldn’t even seal the deal in return,’ he winked.
I gave him a weak smile of gratitude. ‘Go, go and sober up and find her and
sort this out. I’ll tell the guys you were sick and I put you in a taxi home,
that’ll explain why we’ve been gone for so long.’

‘Thanks,’ I nodded, reaching into my trouser pockets to
pull out another wad of cash.

‘You do know I have sex for free, I’m not a prostitute,
right?’ Todd teased with a grin.

‘Shut up,’ I chuckled, shoving his shoulder. ‘Make sure
the lads have a great night.’

‘I will. Go, best we aren’t seen leaving here together.
I’ll clean up the mess I made.’

I patted his shoulder and gave him a grateful nod, which
he returned. I sincerely hoped he’d keep to his word and that there wouldn’t be
any awkwardness with him when we returned to work.

‘Have a great Christmas, Todd. You’ve done an amazing job
this year, I’m lucky to have you on my crew.’

‘Thanks, that means a lot. Have a great one too, Devon.
And if you do ever change your mind on the whole sexuality thing, I’m your guy,
you know where to find me,’ he added with another wink.

I shook my head as I chuckled and unlocked the door and
made my way out to the men’s, stopping to wash my hands and splash some cold
water on my face. I felt sober all of a sudden, but I wasn’t fit to drive and I
couldn’t face going home, where memories of Nadja and pictures of her were all
around me. I snuck out to the main lobby and over to the reception desk. I
could hear the lads’ laughter from the bar drifting through and smiled. At
least they were having a good time. I got a key for a room and headed straight
up, stripped off, and jumped in the shower, scrubbing away the smell of Todd,
of sex, of the last remnants of guilt for what I’d just done and for what I’d
done in the past. It was behind me now, done and dusted. I ordered breakfast to
be delivered to my room in the morning and crashed out on the bed, feeling like
a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’d done it, I’d fucked a guy and
found out it wasn’t for me. To each their own, but it was women I wanted.
Correction,
woman
. Nadja.

Nadja

Saturday Night

I tipped the porter generously for managing to get my
oversized case to my room and up onto the wooden luggage rack. Packing for
Paris had been hard, but it was nothing compared to having to scale down to fit
a year’s worth of stuff in one case. I carefully pulled out my favourite
t-shirt that I wore to bed each night. I sighed and held it up to my nose and
sniffed. It wasn’t my t-shirt really. It was Devon’s. An oversized grey one,
with black writing that said “Builders have big tools” emblazoned on the front
that I’d claimed early into our relationship. Of course, it didn’t smell like
him anymore. I’d washed it since the last time I’d worn it in bed with him. I
couldn’t believe I was never going to sleep with him again, kiss him again,
have sex with him again. I hadn’t seen him since I’d left his place on Sunday
night with a box of my belongings. I threw the t-shirt on the bed and wiped my
wet cheeks with both hands. I was
not
going to cry again. I’d spent all
week crying. Six days of emotional turmoil had taken its toll.

I’d gone through panic at the thought of maybe spending
the rest of my life with him, to surprise at no proposal, to horror at seeing
him touch, and be fucked by, another guy, to realisation that I actually wanted
to marry him, then shock to hear about his past, and now this. Total
devastation that we were over. If only I could have been the kind of girlfriend
he needed. The kind who said “let’s take a break while you fuck men and make up
your mind which kind of sex you want for life and I’ll still be waiting,
however long it takes.” But I wasn’t that kind of girl. Turns out I was kind of
jealous and traditional. I didn’t want my man having a string of lovers while I
patiently waited. I wanted my man to want me and only me. To know that I’d be
enough for him, just as he’d be enough for me. I shrugged off my melancholy and
picked up my phone.

Hey Tanya,
I texted.
Just made it into my
suite. I’m up on the fifth floor with an amazing view! Going to have a bath and
order room service, maybe some champagne to toast to a fresh start, then an
early night. I have to get up at some ridiculous hour for my flight in the
morning. Love you, speak to you when I land. Nadja xx

I placed my order for food, the most fattening and
disgustingly unhealthy things that they had on the menu for starter, main, and
dessert, and decided against the champagne. I needed a clear head for the
morning. I could have a glass on the plane. I unpacked my toiletries and my
change of clothes for the morning, and headed off to have a bath.

I’d just got out and wrapped myself in my towel when I
heard my phone ring. I headed through to the bedroom to scoop it up and
reluctantly looked at the screen. Devon had been calling non-stop since I left
him on Sunday night and I’d sent each of his calls to voice mail. I didn’t want
to be weak, to give in to my need for him if I saw him again. It was time for a
fresh start. I smiled when I saw it was Tanya and slid my finger across the
screen to accept the call.

‘You all settled in?’ she asked.

‘I am,’ I confirmed, padding over to curl up on the
leather sofa.

‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?’ she asked,
for about the fiftieth time this week. I rolled my eyes with a slight smile.

‘I am. I’ve always wanted to travel around the world, I
just never had the money to do it in style before, then I was with Devon.’ The
only thing I had to be grateful to my dad for was that when he died last year,
he’d left half of his estate to me and half to his new wife. I’d inherited a
reasonable amount of money, of which I’d given half to my mum. She deserved it
for what he’d put her through. My share had sat gathering interest in a savings
account, as I earned enough to pay for my day-to-day living expenses. I’d
decided to blow it on my world trip.

‘I know you’ve always wanted to, but honestly, Nadja. A
week ago it was just a dream. Then you break up with Devon, quit your job the
next day, clear out your flat and put all your stuff in storage, hand in your
notice to your landlord, sell your car, and book bloody flights. I don’t think
you’re in the right frame of mind to be running away.’

‘I’m not running, Tan. I’m opening a new chapter. Doing
something I’ve always wanted to do. I hated my job, I just lost the love of my
life, and everywhere I turn in Manchester, there are memories of him. What
better time to leave it all behind and go on an adventure.

‘What about me? Did you even think about me when you
decided on the new life plan? All I know is that you’re in The Domville
tonight, from tomorrow I don’t have a bloody clue. I don’t even know where your
flight is going to or when you’re coming back!’

‘I’m going to Dubai first, to spend Christmas in the sun
and recharge my batteries, and then I’ll book the next flight wherever the mood
takes me. Venice, Athens, Moscow, Bombay, who knows. That’s the beauty of this,
I have no ties, I can go anywhere I want.’

‘On your own.’

‘Yes, maybe, but who’s to say I might not meet someone
while I’m travelling. I’d be unhappy staying in Manchester right now. If I’m
going to be unhappy, I may as well do it somewhere shiny and new. And yes, I
did think about you when I booked the ticket, of course I did. You’re my best
friend, but distance doesn’t change that. We’ll talk, we’ll FaceTime, just like
we did before. We just won’t see each other or hang out as often, and I’ll miss
that like crazy, but this is something I need to do, Tanya. Please don’t make
me feel bad for leaving you.’

‘I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just worried
that you’re going to be miserable and alone. At least here I could have hugged
you, taken you out to get you blind drunk, and stroked your hair as you cried.
Who’s going to do that?’

‘I’m not crying anymore, what’s done is done. He made his
choice, he wanted to fuck another guy more than he wanted me. It’s better I
found out now. Imagine if we’d got married and had kids and he tried it then
and left us? I’d end up like my mum, hating all men and being miserable for the
rest of my life. Yes, right now I feel like I’ve been eviscerated, but he told
me what he wanted and it was my choice to walk away. He didn’t leave me or have
an affair. I hope that in time, that knowledge will help me to get over him.
Not seeing him all week has helped. Shit, sorry Tanya, someone’s just knocked
the door, hang on a second.’

‘Don’t be mad with me, please,’ she sighed in my ear as I
stood up.

‘Why would I be mad with you?’

‘Just remember that I love you and I want what’s best for
you. He made a mistake, Nadja. He just wants to put it right.’

‘Tan, what did you do?’ I demanded as I froze in my
tracks.

‘He came to work on Tuesday looking for you, so I told
him you’d quit. Having got no answer at your flat, he’s been ringing me ever
since, begging me to tell him where you were. I held out, until today. He
turned up at my house in tears. He was crying, Nadja, crying like a baby!
Hardened rugby player and businessman, Devon Somers, crying! It damn near broke
my heart to see him like that, so I told him to get to London and stop you from
going.’

‘Tanya, no! Tell me you didn’t? Tell me that’s not him at
the door right now?’

‘I’m sorry. He arrived at the hotel about an hour ago,
but they wouldn’t even confirm you were staying there, let alone what room you
were in, which I don’t even know. He rang me for help, so I told him you were
on the fifth floor. He must have found a way up.’

‘Tan,’ I moaned as the door was knocked again more
firmly. ‘I don’t believe this.’

‘It’s what any best friend would do, Nadja. He’s the love
of your life, you can’t run away without sitting down and discussing this with
him!’

‘I can and I did.’ I walked over to the door and looked
through the peephole, praying it was my food. My stomach sank when I saw that it
was in fact Devon. He looked exhausted, completely wrecked, and I felt my heart
ache. I looked again and saw he’d moved over to the other side of the corridor
and was knocking on the door opposite. He didn’t know what suite I was in, and
seeing as how the lifts and stairs were protected with key card access, he’d
obviously paid for a room on this floor and was knocking on every door hoping
to find me. ‘Say something, what’s happening?’ came Tanya’s voice, startling
me.

‘He’s outside, trying to find out what suite I’m in,’ I
sighed.

‘Let him in, what do you have to lose? If he can’t
convince you, you already have your flight ticket, you just leave in the
morning regardless. He didn’t ask for this, Nadja. He was just a child, younger
than my Ryan. If someone did to him what those boys did to Devon, I’d kill them.
He was confused, that’s all, trying to deal with his past. I read somewhere
it’s common for boys who were abused to do this, it’s called homosexual
imprinting or something, a way of handling what happened to them. He knows what
he wants now, and it’s you. Open the door,’ she urged. I dropped my chin to my
chest as my head and my heart waged an internal war. I didn’t want to punish
Devon, I knew what he’d been through was horrific and out of his control, but
now? That was a choice. What had changed to make him decide he wanted me more
now? What if I took him back and he changed his mind again and wanted a guy?

‘Tanya,’ I whispered, desperate for some help.

‘He won’t give up, Nadja. He’ll just keep wandering that
corridor all night until you leave to get your flight, or wait down in the
lobby so he doesn’t miss you.’ She wasn’t wrong. I’d never met a man more
determined than Devon was when he wanted something. Nothing stood in his way. I
was testament to that, he’d let me walk away rather than give up on what he
felt he needed to do. ‘Better to face him now, than an hour or two before you
get on a plane. I’m going to hang up, but I expect a call tomorrow to let me
know how it went, where you are, and that I’m forgiven. I love you, Nadja. Stay
safe, I don’t want to have to find a new best friend at my age.’

‘Tanya, no one could ever replace you. I love you, too,’
I sniffed, wiping my eyes. ‘Tan?’ I looked down at my phone to see she’d hung
up. I sighed and rested my forehead on the door for a moment, trying to calm my
breathing down. I looked through the peephole again, but I couldn’t see him. I
put my hand on the door handle and hesitated for a moment, then pulled it and
swung the door open. I stuck my head around the frame and looked to my right,
then to my left. He was a few doors down, still trying to find me. My heart
started racing as I watched him. His shoulders were slumped, he had stubble on
his face, which was most unusual, but what wasn’t was the way I reacted every
time I saw him. He’d had that effect on me from the first time I’d laid eyes on
him. ‘Devon,’ I called, my voice breaking mid-name. ‘Devon.’

‘Nadja?’ His head snapped up as he looked in my direction,
and in an instant, his face changed. His eyes sparkled and a smile formed on
his lips. A smile that always melted my heart. I nervously bit my lip as he
jogged back to me and stopped a few inches from me, standing respectfully out
in the corridor, but close enough to put out his hand to stop me from slamming
the door in his face. ‘
Nadja
,’ he breathed, relief etched on his face.

‘Why are you here, Devon?’

‘For you. I can’t let you leave, not until I apologise
and be honest with you about where my head was at and what I’ve done.’

‘What you’ve done? O, Devon, what did you do?’ I groaned,
not wanting to even begin to imagine the possibilities.

‘Just let me come in, to talk. I don’t want to do this in
the corridor. I miss you and I love you, Nadja, this last week has clarified
that for me. If I thought you’d say yes, I’d go down on bended knee right now,
but I know that I hurt you and that you’re thinking you can’t trust me. I hope
that telling you the truth now, however hard it may be for you to hear, will
make you see that you can. If when I’m done, you want me to leave, I will. I’m
not going to force you to be with me if that’s not what you want too. You loved
me enough to give me the freedom to make my own choices, I’ll do the same for
you, as long as you hear me out.’

‘I miss you, too, but I’m worried you’ll leave me for a
man, Devon,’ I whispered.

‘Nadja, please, not in the corridor,’ he pleaded. I
nodded and stepped back and gestured for him to enter, then headed to the mini
bar to pour us both a whiskey. I had a feeling we were going to need it.

I locked the bathroom door and burst into tears, just
like in Paris. The thought of him with Todd, kissing him, sucking him, fucking
him, was horrible. I didn’t want to imagine my Devon doing that. The logical
side of my brain understood. He’d been abused, he needed to feel like he had
some control, and doing that had put him in the driver's seat. He said it hadn’t
compared to being with me, that he didn’t fancy men, he didn’t love them and he
knew now that he didn’t ever want to be with one again. His explanation of why
I didn’t need to worry about him looking at men, any more than I might worry
about him looking at other women, which he never had, made sense too. If he’d
slept with another woman while we were apart, I’d still have been hurt, but
would it stop me wanting us to get back together? Technically he hadn’t
cheated. The fact that I hated it was a man he’d slept with was my issue, not
his. Who was I to judge how he handled his past? I couldn’t imagine having gone
through that. I lowered the toilet lid and sat down with my head in my hands as
I tried to decide what to do.