The Film Club (23 page)

A few weeks later, a white envelope landed in my mailbox; I could barely watch as he climbed the porch stairs, pulled out the letter and opened it, his hands shaking, his head going back and forth as he read down the lines.

“I made it,” he shouted, without looking up, “I made it!”

He never came back to live at my house. He stayed on at his mother's and then got an apartment with a friend he'd met at school. There was a problem about a girl, I think, but they worked it out. Or they didn't. I can't remember.

We never got around to watching the Great Writing unit. We just ran out of time. It didn't really matter, I suppose; there would always be something we didn't get around to seeing.

He outgrew the film club and, in a certain way, he outgrew me, outgrew being a child to his father. You could feel it coming for years, in stages, but then suddenly, there it was. It can loosen your teeth if you let it.

Some nights I walk by his bedroom on the third floor; I go in and sit down on the edge of the bed; it seems unreal that he's gone and for the first few months it haunted me going by there. He's left, I notice,
Chungking Express
in his bedside table; he has no use for it anymore; has gotten what he needed from it and left it behind like a snake its skin.

Sitting on that bed I realize that he will never come back in the same form again. A visitor from now on. But what a strange, miraculous, unexpected gift, those three years in the life of a young man at a time when normally he begins to shut the door on his parents.

And how lucky I was (although it certainly didn't seem so then) not to have a job, to have had so much empty time on my hands. Days and evenings and afternoons.
Time
.

I still daydream about an Overrated Films unit; how I'm dying to talk about
The Searchers
(1956) and the bewildering praise and nerdy analysis it has spawned; or Gene Kelly's malignant phoniness in
Singin' in the Rain
(1952). We will have time again, Jesse and I, but not
that
kind of time, not that rather bland, sometimes dull time which is the real signature of living with someone, time which you think will go on forever; and then one day, simply doesn't.

Many, many other things lay ahead, his first days in university, his inexpressible delight at a student card with his name and face on it, his first assignment (“The Role of Multiple Narrators in Joseph Conrad's
Heart of Darkness
”), his first after-class beer with a university pal. But for the moment there was just a tall boy on a stage with a microphone in his hand. Sitting there in the darkness with those raccoon-eyed girls in ski jackets, I confess I had a small, private weep. I'm not sure why I was weeping—at him, I suppose, at the
fact
of him, at the unrecapturable nature of time; and all the while those words from
True
Romance
repeated themselves over and over in my head, “You're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool!”

Acknowledgements

Writing a book about family members, particularly if you adore them, is a harrowing experience and not one I'm likely to repeat any time soon. To that end my first thanks must go to my son, Jesse, for entrusting me with his portrait and for allowing its publication sight unseen. I can only hope I have done him and his story the justice they deserve. Thanks also to his mother, Maggie Huculak, for more things than I can enumerate here. I want to also acknowledge the fact that while my daughter, Maggie Gilmour (all grown up now and living in California), does not figure in this particular story, she figures enormously and irreplaceably in my life. I owe her mother, Anne Mackenzie, thanks—and probably money—dating back nearly forty years.

I have dedicated this book to my editor and publisher, Patrick Crean, for salvaging my literary life; thanks also to my agent, Sam Hiyate, for displaying interest and enthusiasm at a time when my phone, apparently, was disconnected. Thanks to Jonathan Carp at
Twelve
; to Marni Jackson for the Tolstoy assignment; and to the boys and girls at Queen Video for their tireless extemporizing about even the most indifferent overnight rental. As always I must thank the waiters at Le Paradis restaurant where portions of this book were written.

And of course, without my wife Tina Gladstone's love and insistent reassurance, I don't know what would have become of this book—or of me, for that matter.

Index

Absolute Power
,
♣

Aguirre, the Wrath of God
,
♣

Alien
,
♣

American Graffiti
,
♣
–
♠

Annie Hall
,
♣
,
♠

Another Woman
,
♣

Apocalypse Now
,
♣

Around the World in
♣
Days
,
♠

Basic Instinct
,
♣
–
♠

Beetlejuice
,
♣

Bicycle Thief, The
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Big Sleep, The
,
♣

Birds, The
,
♣

Blue Velvet
,
♣

Breakfast at Tiffany's
,
♣
–
♠

Bullitt
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
Kid
,
♣

Casablanca
,
♣
,
♠

Chinatown
,
♣
,
♠

Chungking Express
,
♣
,
♠
,
♥
,
♠
,
†

Citizen Kane
,
♣
,
♠

Crimes and Misdemeanors
,
♣
–
28,
♠

Dead Ringers
,
♣

Dead Zone
,
♣

Dirty Harry
,
♣
,
♠

Dr. No
,
♣
–
♠

Dr. Strangelove
,
♣

La Dolce Vita
,
♣

Duel
,
♣
–
♠

8
¹
/
2
,
♣

Exorcist, The
,
♣
,
♠
,
♥

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
,
♣

La Femme Nikita
,
♣

52
Pick Up
,
♣

Fistful of Dollars, A
,
♣
,
♠
–
♥

Un Flic
,
♣

400
Blows, The
,
♠
–
♥
,
♠
,
†
,
‡
,
Δ

French Connection, The
,
♣
,
♠

Friends of Eddie Coyle, The
,
♣

Full Metal Jacket

Get Shorty
,
♣
–
♠

Giant
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Glengarry Glen Ross
,
♣

Godfather, The
,
♣
,
♠
,
♥
,
♠

Godfather: Part II, The
,
♣

Great Gatsby, The
,
♣
,
♠

Hannah and Her Sisters
,
♣

Hard Day's Night, A
,
♣
–
♠

High Noon
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Hombre
,
♣

Internal Affairs
,
♣
–
♠

Ishtar,
♣
,
♠
,
♥

It's aWonderful Life,
♣
,
♠

Jackie Brown,
♣

Jaws,
♣

Jungle Fever,
♣

Klute,
♣
–
96

Last Detail, The
,
♣
–
♠

Last Tango in Paris,
♣
,
♠
,
♥
,
♠

Late Show, The
,
♣
–
♠

Lolita,
♣
,
♠

Magnum Force
,
♣

Manhattan
,
♣

Mean Streets
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Miami Vice
(television series),
♣
–
♠

Mr. Majestyk
,
♣

Mommie Dearest
,
♣

Murmur of the Heart
,
♣
–
♠

Night Moves
,
♣
–
♠

Night of the Hunter
,
♣

Night of the Iguana
,
♣

North by Northwest
,
♣

Notorious
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

On the Waterfront
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥
,
♠

Onibaba
,
♣
–
♠

Out of Sight
,
♣
–
♠

Pickup on South Street
,
♣

Plan
♣
from Outer Space
,
♠

Plenty
,
♣

Pretty Woman
,
♣

Professional, The
,
♣

Psycho
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Pulp Fiction
,
♣

Quiz Show
,
♣
–
♠

Ran
,
♣
,
♠
,
♥

Reservoir Dogs
,
♣

Riding the Rap
,
♣

Robocop
,
♣

Rocky III
,
♣

Roman Holiday
,
♣

Rosemary's Baby
,
♣
–
♠

Samurai, The
,
♣

Scanners
,
♣

Scarface
,
♣

Searchers, The
,
♣

Sexy Beast
,
♣

Shining, The
,
♣
–
♠
,
♥

Shivers
,
♣

Showgirls,
♣
,
♠
–
♥

Singin' in the Rain
,
♣

Some Like It Hot
,
♣

Stardust Memories
,
♣

Stepfather, The
,
♣
–
♠

Stick
,
♣

Streetcar Named Desire, A
,

80
–
♣
,
♠

Swimming with Sharks
,
♣

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The
,
♣

Thief
,
♣

Third Man, The
,
♣
♠
Steps, The
,
♥

To Have and Have Not
,
♣
–
♠

Tootsie
,
♣

True Romance
,
♣
–
♠

2001
,
♣

Under Siege
,
♣

Unforgiven
,
♣

Vanya on
42
nd Street
,
♣
,
♠

Volcano: An Inquiry into the
Life and Death of Malcolm
Lowry
, 28
–
♣
,
♣

Waltons, The
(television series),
♠

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
,
♣