The Remedy Files: Illusion (20 page)

“That’s why you’re different to him, Evangeline. None of us will ever have that same relationship with him that you do. None of us have that history. He can be complex, sure, but you’re probably going to be the only one that ever figures him out.” Her face is crestfallen as she says this. She obviously has an equal amount of respect for Gavin as he does for her.

“Ha, I’m not too sure about that.”

“I am.” Marlena murmurs. 

We walk in silence all the way back to Rebirth. I’m not sure what Marlena meant and it’s hard to determine exactly how she’s feeling. Maybe that’s why I like her so much. She doesn’t just remind me of Jacqueline; she reminds me of Gavin too.

CHAPTER 26
 

Over the next several months, I begin to regain my strength. Gavin teaches me how to fish so we spend the later part of some mornings and evenings sitting at the lake that’s only about half a mile away. We sit in silence. Gavin claims it’s to not disturb the fish but I know the truth is so that he’s not forced to answer my questions.

He offers several times to teach me how to hunt but I leave that to him. I like to eat the results of his hunt but I don’t want any part in killing an animal- especially not using the hunting traps he sets up. “They’re too close to humans.” I would try to explain, not being able to find the words to describe that I simply can’t make something so similar to us suffer in any way. It brings back too many bad memories of what Impetus tried to do to us.

Liam teaches me how to find herbs and natural remedies to care for physical ailments. It doesn’t take long for that to become my primary role- finding herbs, mixing, finding out what they can do and aiding the people of Rebirth when they are in need. Gavin once admitted to me that he found out the role of a Nurse would have been my future in Impetus. Of course I never gave them the chance to tell me that at the Futures Ceremony so it was a nice, semi-comforting sort of thing to hear. At least the Community Board would have gotten that part right. I would have enjoyed being a Nurse. 

I also discover that I’m good at boxing. What started as a challenge from Nate while watching him, Liam and a couple of other guys during their training session has turned into me now joining them 3-4 times a week. Marlena and some of the other women will come watch us and support me with hoops and hollers as I face different men in the makeshift boxing ring. I am good, quick and can throw a decent punch.

“It’s your intuition.” Liam always tells me with admiration in his eyes. “You always seem to know what they’re going to do next.”

I win some matches, but others I lose. We don’t go hard on each other because everyone doesn’t actually want to cause harm to another person in Rebirth so “losing” is more like admitting that the other person has a few better moves than the other.  Even with that common rule, Liam always refuses to face me in the ring. I give him a hard time but secretly I’m glad. I couldn’t imagine even pretending to hit or attack that face of his.

My early mornings have become routine with spending time with Liam while Gavin is away. Every morning he now comes in my hut with a soft knock on the door and a blanket in his hands. He’ll spread it on the floor then we will walk out and make a quick breakfast before anyone else is awake and go back to my hut to eat it. The secret side of Liam is always revealed with his consistently funny stories that he’ll share from adventures of the day before. We also find ourselves dreaming about different places we would travel based off of old books we found or have seen if the world still existed like it did in The Before where it was safe and not completely in ruins. I am absolutely fascinated with how his mind works and love how he views the world around him.

Marlena and I have become extremely close. Both of us have exchanged stories about our pasts in Impetus. I have told her a lot about Jacqueline, and Marlena has in return shared stories with me about her best friend, Katrina, who ironically was one of the girls who helped me with my hair and make-up the day of the Futures Ceremony. Marlena was so excited to hear that Katrina was doing well and asked for me to describe her since it had been eight years since they last saw each other.

Impetus seems like a distance place now. I still can’t get Jacqueline out of my mind or even all the young children who don’t know life any other way. To think about a community that uses the punishment boxes so freely is terrifying.

One other person has since joined Rebirth so I’m no longer the total newbie. When I first heard someone else was coming, I held my breath, hoping with everything inside of me that somehow it was Jacqueline. Instead it was someone two Levels above me, an Unpaired named Valerie. She was quiet, and kept primarily to herself. Marlena was there for her as she was with me when I first came to Rebirth. I would help out as I could, but struggled with my anger as I watched Valerie full of pain as she went through her Remedy withdrawal. It’s inhumane that people have to go through this. It’s wrong that Impetus purposely prevents its people from feeling.

Gavin has continued to keep a tight lid on telling me things about Impetus and the truth about his life which has driven a wedge in our relationship. Every now and then he will come sit by me if I’m off somewhere along the edge of the woods, but he won’t say much. He acts like he wants to say something important but never opens up. Then when he’s ready to go, he’ll kiss me fiercely on the forehead and leave without saying a word.

We’ve argued several times as I’ve begged him to take me back out to our old meeting grounds in efforts to renew our friendship- to bring us back to the way we used to be. But he shuts it down pretty quickly each time with a stern “no, it’s not safe, Evangeline.” Then refuses to discuss it any further. He always rejects the offer to come into my hut too, never once seeing the inside and how I’ve decorated it with Marlena’s help.

“It’s almost like I’m making him miserable by being here.” I complain to Marlena one afternoon.

“No, I don’t think it’s that. In fact, I know it’s not. He waited way too long to get you here.” She looks down at the grass in front of her, pulling out a blade and wrapping it around her finger. “He has a lot of responsibility with trying to lead and take care of Rebirth while still rescuing other people. There’s a lot that keeps him distracted.” Marlena will always be the first to come to Gavin’s defense. Despite her and I getting closer, it’s clear she will advocate for Gavin no matter what.

Early one morning, Liam and I are walking out of my hut together, laughing so hard that both of us are bent at the waist, my arm on his arm, our laughter echoing off the trees. Typically we try to be quiet since most people are still asleep, but I had just told Liam about my incident the day before running into a naked Tyler as he was coming out of the pond. Apparently a few of the guys had stolen his clothes, leaving Tyler with nothing to dry off with or to hide his body parts with as he came running through Rebirth. The bewildered look on my face as I told the story was enough to set Liam off in a laughing rage which was contagious.

Wiping tears from my eyes from the amusement, I look up to see Gavin in process of getting food. He was stopped in his tracks, frozen in the air, watching us walk towards him. I let go of Liam’s arm. When I hear Liam’s laugher abruptly stop I don’t have to look over to him to know that he sees Gavin too. Gavin is usually gone by now. He’s never here at this time.

“Hi, Gavin.” I spit out, trying to sound as normal as possible.

Gavin resumes his movement, attentively grabbing the food he needs. One by one, he’s throwing items in a sack, avoiding eye contact. “Hey.”

“Late start this morning?” It sounds like I’m talking to a stranger, not someone that’s been my best friend for over twelve years.

“Yep.” 

“You need help with anything, Gavin?” Liam asks.

Gavin throws the flap over his backpack, and stands back up. “No.”. He’s staring straight at Liam, his normally light blue eyes now dark and cold. After a few minutes of silence, he walks past us, his shoulder grazing mine as he pushes by.

“Hold on, okay?” I tell Liam.

Liam nods and continues to walk towards the food storage. “Take your time. I’ll get breakfast started.”

I love how understanding Liam is of everything. I chase after Gavin. “Gavin.” I know he hears me but chooses to ignore me. “Gavin, stop.”

Gavin turns around, a raging fire burning in his eyes. “What?”

“What is your problem? Why would you act like that?”

“How long has this been going on, Evie? I’ve heard people talking but I thought… I thought there’s no way.”

“What are you talking about? We weren’t doing anything!” I exclaim, shocked by Gavin’s obvious accusations.

“He came out of
your
hut! Do you think I’m stupid?” Gavin’s voice is strained, a delicate balance between shouting and a tone that’s careful to not wake anyone else up.  

“I think it’s obvious you don’t have all the facts!” I retort, more careless about what other people may hear than what Gavin is.

Gavin throws his backpack down on the ground. A few grapes roll out, the dirt soaking up the juice. “You expect me to believe a man coming out of your hut this early in the morning doesn’t mean anything?”

“Just because you choose to not visit me, doesn’t mean that when someone does, that something is going on, Gavin! You are so self-absorbed you don’t even know the truth about how things have been for me since I’ve been here!” I am now shouting at the top of my lungs, all of my built up thoughts over the past few months reduced to two sentences.

A few heads poke out of the huts, taking a peak at the commotion that’s occurring. But I don’t care. Gavin needs to hear how ridiculous he’s being and I seem to be the only one that will stand up to him.

Gavin opens his mouth just to close it again. He nods. “Yeah, ok, Evie.” He looks around. “Let’s go somewhere else to talk, okay?”

I want to tell him no. At this point I would much rather continue my happy morning with Liam where frustration and drama doesn’t exist. But if Gavin is willing to talk, I want to take advantage of it after battling him being so silent for much too long. I have things I need to say.

Without speaking, I stomp through the path of huts to the edge of the woods and find a log to sit on. I wait for Gavin to follow and eventually join me. Instead of sitting next to me as he usually does, he sits on the ground, his knees bent, and his eyes lingering on the ground next to him.

“So you two are together now or what?” He’s asking as though the answer is already assumed. His question brings me right back to a few months earlier when Liam asked the same thing about me and Gavin. It makes my temple throb and my ears burn.

I refuse to explain anything that has been occurring between me and Liam to Gavin. There’s no need. Gavin chooses to keep to himself and to keep me blocked out so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do the same thing. “No.” I respond, keeping my word choice to a minimum.

“What then? Just a casual hook-up?”

“Seriously? What do you take me as? And since when did you decide to suddenly care?” I fire back.

Gavin stops, letting silence fill the air for a few minutes before speaking again. “I have always cared. Don’t you ever doubt that. I just need to know, Evie… have you and Liam done anything or are you really just friends?”

The question is despicable but his genuine way of stating that he cares stops me from showing the rage building up in me. I know he cares about me but he has a foolish way of showing it.

I take a deep breath. “No, we haven’t done anything.” Although it’s a relief that I can be honest with Gavin by that statement, I also feel disappointed that over the months, Liam has never made an official move. I have been tempted to many times and thought there were situations where he wanted to as well, but nothing has ever happened. Not yet anyway. “He respects you too much.” As soon as I say it, I know it’s the truth. Although Liam wanted to clarify that Gavin and I were only friends, I know his respect for Gavin is what has always held him back from taking things further with me. 

“Oh.” Gavin responds, obviously surprised, either by the fact that Liam and I haven’t done anything or because he was the cause of the lack of action. I watch as a small smile settles on his face. It’s the final push to set me off.

“You have no right to care about what Liam and I do or what we are! He’s been there. He listens to me. He
talks
to me. Compare that to what you do. Or don’t do for that matter.”

Gavin sighs. “Yeah.”

“That’s all you have to say?” Our battles are always heated, full of shouting words and us shaking in our place in attempt to get the other person to see our point of view. His lack of intensity is a bit disheartening, as though he’s given up on whatever it is we always fight each other over.

“Yeah, it is. Sorry. I just- I don’t know how to say anything else right now. One of us will have to give.”  Gavin stands up and gives a slight shrug of his shoulders. “All I can hope is that someday you’ll get it.” He doesn’t kiss my forehead this time. He turns around and walks away, leaving me alone on the log to dissect the conversation that took place.

I fight back tears in my eyes. I don’t understand. I severely want for things to be the way they used to be. I always knew what I was getting with Gavin; I always knew what to expect, what I could depend on. Now, it’s all over the place. When I didn’t feel anything, it was all so simple. Now I feel so much that’s all directed towards him. He frustrates me to the point where I fight the desire to push him away but in the same breath, all I want to do is crawl up in his arms, feel his lips on my forehead, and know everything’s going to be okay.

“Ahhhh!” I push myself up from the log, letting my anger out in one single cry. Why does he always make me feel this way? At least with Liam I know how I’m going to feel. I need to get back to him. I need that consistency right now more than anything else.

I run back to the Center, dodging the people that are starting to come out from their huts in the morning air, trying not to think about which ones heard the discussion between Gavin and I.