This One Time With Julia (15 page)

She still hadn’t answered my question, but I couldn’t ask her again now. She dozed on my chest a little, and then rolled over to finish falling asleep. An hour later I was still on my back—wide awake—watching the fluorescent stars on the ceiling very, very slowly lose their glow, when Julia started talking and moving around. It took me longer than normal to calm her down about breakfast the next day. But once she stopped destroying all the covers with her arms and legs, she finally answered my question.

“Of course nobody thinks it could last,” she said. “We can’t stay silly forever, and there are too many things I’d never try to talk about with you. When I go to college it’ll just be a matter of time.”

“Maybe so.” I knew she wouldn’t hear me, but I didn’t care. “But we could still try.”

“I warned you not to fall in love with me.”

She was sitting perfectly still with her back straight up against the wall, and her eyes were wide open and shining a little. She was still breathing pretty hard from all her thrashing around earlier.

“You might always change your mind,” I said. “It’s possible.”

“Your brother is dead and you’re just sitting there. It’s so obvious who killed him, and you haven’t done a thing. Don’t you miss your brother, Joe?”

This was the first time Julia had ever asked me a question in her sleep that wasn’t about breakfast.

“I still talk to him almost every day,” I said. “He keeps getting younger and younger.”

“I know why Alvin is dead, but only when I’m asleep. When I’m awake I only know it in a lot of tiny pieces, never all at once. But if I went back carefully and put together all the things I know, then it would be perfectly clear.”

“Just tell me what to do.”

“A girl can feel when a boy watches her that way her entire life. But it’s not something that I could ever think when I’m awake. Nobody could stand to know everything they could figure out. You have to just pick a few things. Otherwise it’s just too much. But you’re Alvin’s brother. You should be able to see it too.”

“I’ll do anything you want. Just tell me.”

“Who’s going to make breakfast?”

“I could still surprise you.”

“I don’t have enough money for breakfast!” Her legs were starting to move again. “But there’s got to be something to eat in the morning.”

She was climbing her imaginary ladder again, faster than before. I started to worry she might scratch out her eyes or something, so I tried to keep her arms underneath the blankets while I calmed her down.

“Don’t worry about breakfast. I’m going to take care of it.”

“How do you know there’ll be enough?”

“I’ll pour some cereal and make some eggs. I’ll give everyone some orange juice. There’ll be plenty of breakfast for everyone. Go to sleep, Julia.”

Finally I got her to relax. Her breathing slowed, and I stroked the sides of her arms until she closed her eyes and started to sleep normally again. She still had on this little wrinkly frown, so I stayed there in bed with her until it finally went away, and then I got up and went into the little kitchenette, because I knew I wouldn’t sleep now. I set out plates and bowls for us and opened a new cereal box, and then I got out all the eggs and lined them up next to the stove.

I knew that it was time for me to think about what I was going to do next, but it didn’t come easily to me. I sat down at the table and counted as high as I could, as high as a few hundred maybe—and when that didn’t work I lay down on the floor. I made myself remember the whole day: the horrible food, that big old charred house, that puff of smoke rising off the sofa cushion, Ms. Delancey’s singing, and everything she’d said. When I felt my body warming up the big floor tiles, I decided to call Marcus. It was all I could think of to do.

I hadn’t used my cell phone since I realized that Alvin was never going to call it, so first I had to charge it for a little while. Once I turned it on, I saw that I already had a message from Marcus. Once I got it playing, it was nice to hear his voice again, though he sounded pretty upset.

“I don’t know how to reach you, Joe, and I have no idea where you are. But I’m afraid I have terrible news.”

He sounded like he was calling from the street. I could hear traffic behind him, but I couldn’t tell if he was driving or walking.

“Alvin’s body was found by some campers in the desert about an hour outside of Los Angeles. He’d been shot twice in the head. I can only assume it was some terrible drug deal gone bad. I thought you should know as soon as possible.”

I had already known that Alvin was dead but hearing it from Marcus still felt strange, and suddenly I wished I’d left my phone on, so I could have been there when he called.

“I thought of having a funeral, but I didn’t know if you would even come, and certainly nobody else would. So I’m going to have him cremated, and maybe we’ll throw his ashes in the ocean. Didn’t Alvin always like the ocean? I’m taking care of it tomorrow because I’m leaving Los Angeles on Saturday. I got an offer to play semi-pro basketball in China, while I get a master’s at Peking University in Beijing. Pure fluency in any language can only be achieved by total immersion. Good-bye, Joe. I don’t care if you contact me, but you know you always can.”

There was another message from Marcus, but when I tried to listen to it I accidentally deleted them both. Then I tried to call him, just in case for some reason he hadn’t left yet, but the number had been disconnected. I put my phone away, and realized I was starving. I found this old piece of pizza in the refrigerator, but it didn’t fill me up. So I decided to walk to McDonald’s to see if they’d let me order at the drive-through on foot. I took a peek into the bedroom to make sure Julia was still sleeping, and then went out as quietly as I could.

I was shuffling along in the shoulder about a mile down the road with fields of boulders on both sides, chewing on some grass I’d pulled out of the ground, when I found Alvin. He was lying on a boulder, looking up at the stars. By this time, he was probably about seven years old. He always had a big wad of chewing gum in his mouth at that age, and one of his teeth was still coming in.

“It’s lucky you stopped by,” he said. “Welcome to the enormous rock that I am lying on.”

“Hi, Alvin.”

I climbed up on the boulder and lay down next to him. I remember a warm wind blowing over the rocks, and the stars were extremely bright because there were no other lights.

“What are you eating, Joe?”

“Grass.”

“Give me some.”

I gave him some grass and he chewed it. “That grass is extremely disgusting,” he said. “Good for you, Joe. And how are we supposed to explain this midnight jaunt of yours?”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?”

“Julia thinks it’s obvious who killed you. That I should have figured it out by now.”

“Well, what is she expecting? It’s never been your style to try to reason through a situation.”

“Your body was found in the desert, you know. With two bullets in your head.”

“That’s upsetting,” said Alvin. “I’m not sure I needed to hear that. And she knows who it was?”

“She probably thinks it was Houston.”

“What do you think?”

“I hate thinking about it.”

“God bless you, Joe.” Alvin laughed. “Well, it’s not like I’m some expert, but I’ve always enjoyed puzzles. Maybe I could help you think it through.”

“I don’t want to think it through.” I could feel myself going on tilt. “I just want you to tell me.”

“I can’t,” said Alvin. “I’m not really here. But you’re smarter than you think. You always have been. How about we play a game? Do you think you can calm down enough to answer a few questions?”

“Okay. Fine.”

“Do you remember the last time you saw me?”

“Yes.”

“What did we do?”

“We ate.”

“Where?”

“We ate dinner in a restaurant.”

“And?”

“You said you needed me to come sailing with you.”

“Excellent,” said Alvin. “Maybe your memory was fine all along. How was I planning to pay for all that sailing?”

“You showed me all this money.”

“In?”

“A bag.”

“What kind of bag?”

“A little green suitcase.”

“You’re performing at a tremendous level,” said Alvin. “Where was my body found again?”

“Somebody dumped it in the desert.”

“Let’s think that scenario through one more time.”

“Okay.”

“Anything occurring to you?”

“Why make this into a game?”

“I’m just wondering what happened to my bag,” said Alvin. “That’s all I’m trying to say.”

“Whoever killed you probably took it.”

“I love that guess,” said Alvin. “That seems extremely likely. The only alternative is that he killed me because he wanted to leave all that money behind. That would be very strange behavior.”

“Come on. Just tell me.”

“I’m just wondering if Houston has that bag,” said Alvin. “I think it could be a very helpful fact for us to know.”

“Okay, sure.” It seemed pretty obvious now. “We should try to find that out.”

“Have you seen it around at all?”

“Sure, I’ve seen it around.”

“You have?” He burst out laughing. “You’ve seen my little green cloth suitcase around?”

“At least a few times, yeah.” I knew exactly what bag he was talking about. It was one of the suitcases Houston and his father were always passing back and forth when they fed the turkeys late at night. I’d seen it but I had no idea what it meant, or why I should bother to remember it. “I’ve definitely noticed it before.”

“And you just never made the connection.”

“I guess not.”

“God bless you, Joe.” It was the happiest I’d seen Alvin all night. “You’ve definitely noticed it before, but you never made the connection. Of course you didn’t. That’s why I’ll never get tired of you, ever. Have you noticed that Houston can barely speak Julia’s name without turning red and giggling like he was being tickled?”

“I think so.”

“Do you remember when she dropped the fork? What happened?”

“He caught the fork before it hit the ground.”

“He must have followed me to Los Angeles,” said Alvin. “When I told you to check the parking lot to see if someone was following me, did you see anyone? I believe I fell asleep before I ever got around to asking you.”

“Yes, actually I did.” It was all rushing back to me now. The restaurant. The doggie tied to the lamp post. The parking lot around the corner. The man in the car I’d never paid attention to, because I got distracted by those bottle caps that were sparkling in the pavement. “That must have been Houston. I forgot to tell you.”

“That’s okay. I knew you would. God bless you, Joe.”

I still felt a little embarrassed, knowing how easy I had made it for him. The whole time Alvin and I were in the restaurant dreaming about sailing around the world, Houston was waiting in the parking lot around the corner.

“For all we know, he checked into my motel,” said Alvin.

“It was almost as obvious as Julia thought it was. We could have seen it so much earlier.”

“Don’t feel bad. I never understood my life at all while it was going on. Only much later, when I try to remember a few things and put them all together, can I realize anything that happened to me. But I never bothered to do this when I was alive.” Alvin stretched again, and this time he yawned. “Suddenly I’m so tired all the time.”

“What happens now?”

“You tell me.”

“Do I kill Houston now?”

Alvin didn’t seem surprised I’d asked. He thought it over for a while. “I’d never ask you to kill anyone on my account. But mine isn’t the only opinion that matters, is it?”

“No.”

“Are you sure it’s what Julia wants?”

“I know she’ll take it seriously,” I said.

“What makes her so important? You’ve been in love with girls before.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Should I list them for you?”

“Even if I was, Julia is different.”

“Do you remember Susan Porter?”

“No.”

“You were in love with her in sixth grade. You liked her so much that you tried to touch every single thing she touched. Once you followed her home and kidnapped her cat, just so you could be the one to find it.”

It was starting to sound a little bit familiar. I remembered stealing some of her chewing gum out of the trash, and the outline of her bra strap under every shirt she wore, and then all at once Susan Porter came back to me. It was Alvin who suggested I kidnap that fat brown cat of hers. I kept the cat in my room for two days and tried to take care of it. Susan put up all these photocopies of it all around the neighborhood, and when I finally returned the cat, she hugged me by the mailbox near her house. I put my nose into her sweater while I hugged her, and she rubbed my back in circles for a little while. Then I forgot her for six years, but now I remembered her again, and missed her just a little bit, but not too much.