Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) (2 page)

Saturday, November 3, 2007

 

Yesterday morning when I was leaving Dan’s I said “Since this might be the last time we ever see each other, don’t you want to walk me home?”

He replied “Nope, but I’ll tell you what, if you get attacked on the way home and the guy isn’t cute, scream and I’ll come save you.”

I frowned like I was really offended by the rape joke and stormed away. But when I got to the sidewalk I spun around with a big smile. Dan was so relieved I wasn’t pissed! Seeing him standing there smiling, so sexy in his crusty boxers with his strong legs, big chest and messed-up hair, I really didn’t want to go, so I ran back and gave him the sexiest, most delicious kiss ever. At the same time I stroked my hand up his thigh.

You should have seen his face.

Then I ran away.

Katie Kampenfelt strikes again! Ha!

Monday, November 5, 2007

 

I got an email today from julietisdead who is positive that I’m some slut from her high school named Katie Loomis
who goes out with a football player named Rory McGirk. Sorry, babe, I’ve never been to Arkansas and no way would I ever date a jock. I prefer brains over brawn. Besides, Rory isn’t in high school. He’s a senior at the college where Dan teaches.

Just so you know, if I thought there was even a one in a google chance of anyone recognizing me from this blog, I would never ever be this honest. And what’s the point of blogging if you’re not going to tell the truth?

The reason I’ll never be recognized is that I’ve changed every single name including my own. I have also changed many random meaningless details. For example, Dan lives in an apartment not a house. My dad did not have a heart attack after his operation. He caught a staph infection. (Just as bad.) And Jade’s grandmother does not live in Thailand. She lives in the Philippines. You get the idea.

All the important details are accurate.

Budburkel7 wants to know why I was in a mental hospital for three days when I was 13. Well, Bud, old pal, it’s because the summer before I started high school I was totally out of control. I was angry and rebellious, failed to show up for computer camp, and was always sneaking out my bedroom window at night. One day after my mom and I had a huge
fight, I stole a bunch of her Ambien and some cash and ran away to live with a lifeguard I had a massive crush on. When he told me to go home I started crying hysterically and locked myself in his dirty bathroom. He called 911. When the cops arrived I refused to open the door so they had to bust it down. After I got out of the psych ward, I was required to see a shrink four times a week for the rest of the summer. We argued constantly. He thought most of my problems had to do with my parents’ hideous divorce. I thought that was too easy.

That’s interesting, bridgetLK. I had no idea that titles of movies, magazines, books and TV shows were supposed to be in italics. You’re positive, right? I’m not even sure how to make them!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

 

I’ve been out of school for five months now and I still haven’t found a full-time job, this is mostly due to the fact that I have never looked for one. Why, you ask? Why have I not looked when I promised my mom that I would? Well, first I graduated from high school and I wanted to have fun with my friends before they left for pre-college vacations or started boring office jobs in the city, then I met Rory on the Fourth of July and thought I was in love. Since I still had some money left over from the $5,000 my grandma left me
when she died (she left the rest to the Catholic Church to pay their molester bills), I decided to take it easy until the end of summer when I would begin life as a responsible adult. But by the time Labor Day came, I was in the habit of being a lazy loser, and then I met Dan, which was another thing to distract me.

Anyway I’m now broke off my ass and my mom says she’s going to kick me out December first unless I start “fending for myself.” She wouldn’t really do it, of course. I am the light of her life. But she’s right. It’s time to get serious.

I would have gone job hunting today only I have terrible PMS. I’m not like Dan’s girlfriend, Martine, who turns into the devil incarnated every month. I just get very, very sad. For example tonight I started sobbing during
Dancing with the Stars
(italics!) even though it’s the most heinous and appalling program in the history of television. Then I missed Dan so badly I talked to Rory on the phone for almost two hours. He wanted to come over but I said no. I’m about to break out on my chin. The last thing I want is sex.

I have very few friends these days. Rory and Jade are basically it. My friends who are away at college hardly ever email or text anymore. It’s natural that people grow apart once college starts but when it happens this fast, you’ve got to think maybe you weren’t that close in the first place. A lot
of it’s my fault. Often my sense of humor gets out of control and I hurt people’s feelings. Worst of all is my power over guys. When my friends and I go out, I am always the one guys talk to. It’s not just my looks. It’s everything. I know how to get guys to like me. It’s been my genius since I was little. It makes my friends insanely jealous. I don’t blame them. I’d hate to be in their unloved shoes. But what am I supposed to do? Gain weight, stop showering and act like a dyke just so they can get some play? The only reason Jade has stayed my friend is because she’s as hot as I am and the guys she’s attracted to are not my type and vice versa.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

 

I felt like killing myself all day. Now I am too sleepy to do it.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

 

Dan moved today. He called to say goodbye but I was still asleep. When I listened to his voice mail, I started bawling. Is it because I’m in love with him or is it just hormones? A deep and difficult mystery for a gyrl to answer. Probably some of both. I’m hungry. I wish I had a car. Boo hoo!

Friday, November 9, 2007

 

This morning as I was leaving to job hunt, my mom’s boyfriend Mark Aubichon said “Good luck finding a job, hotshot. And if you do, good luck earning more than minimum wage.” He’s always telling me how shitty my life is going to be unless I do exactly what he thinks I should do. Right now he believes that me deferring college was supremely dumb.

“Thanks for the support,” I said. “I’m touched.”

He patted the egg yolk off his ugly mouth. Not only is he a negative arrogant person but he has no neck. He looks exactly like a bullfrog with a mustache. And hairy knuckles.

He replied “Facts are facts. Without a college degree, be prepared to work like a slave for the rest of your life for very little compensation.”

I squinted at him with hate. “You underestimate my powers, earthling.”

My mom laughed and said “You’ve got to love my kid’s confidence!”

“No I don’t,” Mark replied, chewing turkey sausage with his mouth open. Smack, smack, smack.

At the door I turned around and said “If you’re right and my life sucks, I’ll just have to marry an ugly, old billionaire. The first time he sees me naked, which will be on our honeymoon, he’ll have a heart attack and die. I’ll inherit his entire fortune. You can be my chauffeur.”

Door slam.

Walking down the alley I could still hear my mother laughing inside. She loves when I give Mark shit. Maybe because she’s such a doormat.

Once I entered the house late at night and overheard Mark and my mom having sex by the fireplace. She was moaning like she was flying on a magic carpet. I almost puked into the kitchen sink. I would give anything for her to dump him. Jade’s mom says it will never happen because women over 45 have a better chance of getting blown up by a terrorist than finding a man. Haha! If I ever get that desperate, I will buy a giant vibrator and never leave the house.

By the time I reached Main Street I was dripping sweat. Just my luck I didn’t bring sunblock and I was too broke to buy any. I walked around for like two hours, stopping at every halfway decent store to see if they were hiring. They weren’t, so I tried the lame stores. The managers were all really nice to me, especially the guys, but what could they do? You can’t invent a job if there isn’t one.

I started thinking “Oh man, what if Mark Aubichon is right? What if all I can get is some fast-food job and when everybody comes home for Christmas break they see me sitting in the drive-through window? I’ll be a laughing stock!” I imagined them holding up their phones as they drove by, taking pics to post online.

I got so depressed I started thinking maybe it was good
that it was so hot out in November. Maybe we deserve global warming. It will put mankind out of its misery. I pictured the planet with everything baked to death. Nothing left but miles and miles of sand and thousands of camels. I imagined their funny faces and silly humps and that made me feel better.

Just when I was ready to text Rory and order him to buy me lunch, I saw a big burly man standing inside the front window of the Corner Store, taping up a help wanted poster. I ran over and screamed “Hold it right there, mister! I’m just the girl for you!” Pretty stupid considering I didn’t even know what the job was. But I knew he would think it was adorable. He smiled and waved for me to hold on. As he climbed out of the window, I could see his butt crack and that the store had totally changed inside. All the cute gifts were gone and there were piles and piles of old books. When he came outside I was nervous, maybe because I knew I looked like shit, all sweaty and sunburned. I started blabbering about how when I was a little girl I bought all my Christmas presents at the Corner Store and that I had no idea it was closing.

He said “Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but John died of prostate cancer a few months ago.”

“Oh, no! That’s so sad!”

I had no idea which of the two gray-haired homos was John but either way it was sad because they were both extremely nice.

“Lee sold me the place a couple of months ago and moved to Arizona.”

“What’s it going to be now?”

“Elysium Used and Rare Books.”

“Awesome.”

“Are you a bibliophile?”

“A what?”

“Book lover.”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely. I adore reading.”

He smiled like he knew I was lying. Wouldn’t that be the worst? A boss who could tell every time you were lying? The only thing worse would be a boyfriend who could tell.

“Well, I used to,” I explained. “Lately not so much. Too many distractions. You know, being a teenager and everything.”

I gave him my sweetest smile. I could tell he liked me. He reached out a giant hand.

“Glenn Warburg.”

“Katie Kampenfelt.”

I gave him a good firm shake. My dad says this is essential if you want men to respect you.

Glenn Warburg isn’t the kind of person you would picture owning a book store. He looks more like a retired cop. He’s tall with a big balding head, semi-potbelly, heavy legs and acne scars on his cheeks. I’m not sure how he usually
dresses but today he was wearing a red sweatshirt, acid-washed jeans and big brown boots. His only nice features are his perfect white smile and twinkly blue eyes. He also wears a diamond post in his ear, which makes no sense, as he is not the gay or groovy type. He just moved here from Chicago. Since most of his business is online, he figured why pay big city rent? Standing outside on the sidewalk he told me all about the job except the most important thing.

“How much does it pay?” I asked.

“I don’t know. What’s the going rate around here?”

“I get fifteen an hour to babysit.”

This was technically true. The one and only time I ever babysat that’s what I made. It was just this past summer. My mom’s best friend Cynthia Crowder was visiting from Atlanta. Her son Chase didn’t really need a sitter because he’s in junior high, but Cynthia knew I was going broke fast.

“How about twelve?” Glenn said.

“Off the books?”

“Sure.”

“How many hours a week?”

“I don’t know. A minimum of thirty. Maximum of forty. Make your own schedule. Start Monday.”

Done! Not even an application. For all he knows I could be an illegal alien. From Sweden. Ha! And the best part of all is that the job is butt-easy. All I do is help
customers out front while Glenn’s in back working on his computer. When there’s no customers, I’m in charge of shipping books. When there’s no books to ship, I can do anything I want. Or as Glenn put it, “You’re free to get lost in the stacks.” Stacks must mean shelves. Anybody know for sure?

You should have seen the look on Mark Aubichon’s face when I told him my good news. His eyes bugged out like he’d swallowed a horsefly. Ha! My mom tried not to laugh. How pathetic that he couldn’t just say congratulations. Instead he started asking me all these questions about Glenn, like he didn’t believe he really existed. Like I’d made the whole thing up! What a sore loser. Lawyers suck. They’d rather die than be wrong.

Once I convinced him Glenn was real, Mark thought for a second then asked me if he was married.

“I find that question really insulting.”

“Why?”

“You think the only way I could get a job this good is because of how I look. You think Glenn wants to bone me. That is so sexist. He happens to think I’m brilliant!”

I shoved back my chair and threw down my napkin. I wasn’t really pissed at all. It’s just that my mom hates it when I leave the table early and I wanted to IM Jade in Manila before her day started.

•    •    •

 

I wonder if working around books all day will get me inspired about learning so that I will want to go to college next year? Sure hope so. Good night!

Oh, I asked Glenn what Elysium means. He said it’s the ancient Greek version of heaven, a beautiful happy place where good people go after they die. He said he named his shop Elysium because when you disappear into a great book that’s as close to heaven as life gets.