Waiting for You (15 page)

And that she had some decisions to make.

***

Jake shifted in his chair and glanced at his watch for the tenth time in five minutes. Why the hell had he agreed to this appointment? He’d come down to Texas to help Paul, not put himself through this crap.

“Why do you think you’re so resistant to this process?” Dr. Mitch Sorenstein asked.

They were sitting in armchairs by a picture window. The office was big and open, full of light, but Jake still felt trapped.

He shrugged irritably. “I just don’t think every veteran needs counseling. Soldiers have been going to war for thousands of years. You think the men who fought in the Revolutionary War came home and got therapy? They came home to their farms and tried to make a damn living.”

Mitch nodded. “Yes, that’s true. Also, limbs were amputated without the benefit of anesthesia, blacks could be owned as property, and women weren’t allowed to vote. Don’t you think that some of the progress we’ve made in the last few hundred years could be called change for the better?”

Before meeting Mitch, Jake thought shrinks were bland and cautious and never told you what they thought. But Mitch had plenty of opinions and wasn’t afraid to share them.

“Look, I’m not saying this crap…sorry,
process
…can’t help some people.”

“But not you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t need help. You want to know who needs help? The guys lying in hospital beds with their arms and legs blown off.”

He surged to his feet suddenly, holding his arms out. “If you’re looking to help a veteran, go find one who left a piece of himself behind. I don’t have a mark on me.”

Mitch cocked his head to the side. “That’s not quite true, is it? You gave me access to your records. You got shot in the leg six years ago, right?”

Jake brushed that off. “The bullet didn’t do any damage. It didn’t go near the bone.”

“Uh huh. And a couple of years after that you took some shrapnel in your back.”

“So what? That barely left a scar. I have both eyes, both hands, both feet.”

“So because you didn’t lose an arm or a leg, you don’t think you deserve help?”

The word
deserve
made his hands clench into fists. “Who cares what I deserve? I don’t
need
help.”

Mitch nodded. “I see. Well, then, you should probably go.”

Jake stared down at him. “What?”

“I don’t want to waste your time. No one forced you to come here, and no one’s forcing you to stay. So go.”

Jake sat down again. “Is this some kind of trick?”

Mitch shook his head. “No. But I’m curious to know why you showed up here today.”

“You know why. You suggested I make this appointment in front of Paul.”

“So?”

“It took me days to talk that kid into seeing you, and now he’s actually coming twice a week. I worked damn hard to convince him therapy isn’t crap. How the hell could I say no after that?”

“You’re a resourceful guy, Jake. You would have found a way to say no if you wanted to. So why are you really here?”

Images flashed through his mind. Erin at the lake, laughing at something he’d said. Erin on the back of his bike. Erin arching into him, so beautiful she took his breath away.

Erin with a bruise on her cheekbone.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping,” he said gruffly. “Sometimes I…wake up.”

Mitch nodded. “What wakes you up? Nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want them to stop?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. We can work on that. But in order to deal with your nightmares, we have to treat the underlying problem.”

His jaw tightened. “And that would be?”

“It’s my belief that you’re suffering from PTSD and trauma-related guilt.”

There it was…the label he’d been resisting for so long. He wanted to say it was bull, but instead he heard himself ask, “What’s trauma-related guilt? And why do you think I have it?”

“Because so many soldiers died, and you didn’t. Because Dan died and you didn’t.”

A wave of nausea rose up inside him. “Maybe I should feel guilty. There’s something I didn’t tell Angie and Paul, about the day Dan died.”

“Do you want to tell me?”

Every muscle in his body felt tense. “No.”

Mitch nodded. “Fair enough. How about this. When you go home tonight, write it down. The next time we meet, you can let me read it…or not. Your choice. How’s Thursday at two?”

Jake took a deep breath. “I hated every second of this. Why would I come back?”

“Because you’re ready. And because you’ve got guts.”

***

He’d just left Mitch’s office when his cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen and saw Erin’s name.

A jolt went through him. He stared at the phone for a second and then flipped it open.

“Erin. Hey.”

There was a short silence. “I didn’t expect to actually reach you,” she said, sounding flustered. “I thought I’d probably get your voicemail.”

Hearing her voice made him remember that night.

Of course, everything made him remember that night.

It had been more than a month since they’d talked. It had been a short, awkward conversation and he’d thought about calling her every day since, but he never had. He wondered why she was calling now. He’d figured she’d written him off weeks ago.

“So you were planning to leave me a message?”

“Well, yes.”

“What were you going to say?”

“I wanted to see how you’re doing. How your trip is going. And I was going to ask you to call me, because…because I have news.”

Maybe she was dating someone. No…she wouldn’t call just to tell him that. Maybe she was engaged. He’d been gone six weeks—was that enough time for her to have met some guy and gotten engaged?

His hand tightened on the phone. “What news?”

“I…” She paused. “You know, I’d rather hear about you first. Tell me about your trip.”

“The trip is good.”

He wanted to tell her he was seeing a therapist. He wanted to tell her about Paul. He wanted to tell her what he’d had for breakfast that morning, and find out what she’d had for breakfast that morning.

He wanted to talk to her.

“Is it hard to be there, with your friend’s family?” Erin asked. “Does it remind you of…things?”

He wasn’t surprised she was worried about that, considering she’d been there for one of his nightmares.

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad I’m here. For Angie and Paul, and for me, too.” He hesitated. “I think it’s time I started to deal with some of my crap. Being here is helping with that.”

There was a silence. “Jake, that’s great. How long…how long do you think you’ll be there?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve got a room in one of those extended stay hotels, and I’m working part-time in a garage in San Antonio. I’ll probably stay at least another month. After that, I might swing over into New Mexico, and then up to Colorado.”

“So…you’ll be gone a while, then.”

“Yeah.”

“It sounds like the trip is working out really well.”

“Yeah, it is. I’m glad I came.”

There was a short silence. Then—

“I meant to call you,” he heard himself say.

He wondered how many men had used that line over the years.

Erin, typically, cut right to the chase. “So why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I still felt bad about what happened, and the last time we talked was…I don’t know. Awkward. Do you think I’m a jerk?”

“No,” she said quietly. “I don’t think you’re a jerk. I think you’re in the place you need to be right now. I’m really happy for you, Jake.”

There was another silence. “So, what about you? What’s this big news of yours?” He took a firmer grip on the phone and braced himself.

“Oh. Well. I’ve decided to go ahead and buy my house.”

“Hey, that’s great!” Relief made him sound genuinely enthusiastic. “What made you take the leap?”

“Well...I’ve added a lot of new clients lately, and I finally figured I had enough in the bank to do it. So…I’m doing it.”

“Good for you, Erin. I think that’s fantastic.”

“Thanks.” She paused. “Well, it’s been really nice talking to you but I guess I’d better—”

“I miss you.” He hadn’t meant to say that, but he’d felt a sudden tightening in his chest when she’d started to end the call, and the words just came out.

“You do?” Her voice sounded uncertain, vulnerable, and for a moment he wished he was going back to Iowa tomorrow.

“Yeah. I do.”

Suddenly all he could think about was Erin naked, her hair tumbled around her shoulders and her creamy skin flushed with pleasure. The little sounds she made when she was close…the way her body arched into his as he thrust into her…

“Do you ever think about that night?” It was one more thing he hadn’t meant to say, and considering how the night had ended, his question was just as likely to bring up a bad memory as a good one.

“Yes,” she whispered.

Then she cleared her throat. “Someone’s at the door. I have to go.”

“Erin—”

But she had already hung up.

***

She was doing the right thing. She was sure of it. Jake was on his road, and she was on hers.

And she’d better get used to traveling alone.

Jake wasn’t the settle-down-and-raise-a-family type—at least not at this point in his life. And even if he were, he wouldn’t want to settle down with her. He obviously had no trouble at all being away from her. He hadn’t called once in the last month, and even though he’d said he missed her, the fact remained that
she’d
called
him
.

She’d called to tell him about the baby. But when she’d heard his voice, she’d chickened out. He sounded so good…like he was exactly where he needed to be. How could she pull him away from that? And if he really was starting to face his demons, the last thing he needed was another burden to deal with.

So she’d wait to tell him until she was closer to her due date, and give him the time he needed to travel. To be with his friend’s family. To heal.

It all sounded so simple in her head. And it stayed simple for the next month and a half, during the heat of August, when she told herself she didn’t really need to think about the baby just yet. Her body hadn’t changed much, and she was still wearing her regular clothes. There were times when she was busy with work that she actually forgot she was pregnant.

Whenever that happened, she felt a rush of guilt. How could she have forgotten the baby, even for a second? But worse than the guilt was the feeling of longing that sometimes followed…longing for the life she’d planned for herself, the life she’d never have now. A life that didn’t include being a single mother.

Those were the worst moments of all.

It felt like a betrayal of the tiny life inside her. Wasn’t she supposed to be radiant and glowing and joyful? Wasn’t she supposed to feel like the universe had shifted?

It didn’t help that she had an ever-present reminder of what this experience was supposed to be like. Allison looked happier every time she saw her, her eyes shining as she talked about baby names and nursery furniture and showed her ultra sound pictures to anyone who would look.

Worst of all was the day Erin ran into Allison and Rick in downtown Des Moines. They suggested she join them for lunch, and Erin regretted accepting their invitation the instant they all sat down together. Allison gave a little squeal and grabbed Rick’s hand, placing it flat on her abdomen. “There he goes again. Did you feel that?”

“Yes,” he said, smiling into his wife’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Allison said to Erin as the waiter poured ice water into their glasses. “You have to be sick of hearing about the baby. I’m amazed anyone can stand to be around me right now. I wonder what I’ll be like in four months? Other than huge.”

Rick smiled again, his hand still on her belly, and suddenly Erin felt a stinging in her nose and behind her eyelids. She took a deep breath, holding herself together by sheer force of will. Then she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, pretended to look at a nonexistent message, and rose to her feet.

“One of my clients just emailed me with a crisis, and I have to go deal with it. We’ll have lunch another time, okay?”

She made it out of the restaurant before the tears started to fall.

The way Rick had looked at Allison…

Oh, God. She wiped her face with her sleeve and practically ran to her car, grateful when she had some small barrier between her and the world.

Her loneliness felt like an ocean swell, pulling her under. The only person besides her doctor who even knew she was pregnant was Beth. She couldn’t tell Allison. Her brother was the baby’s father.

The baby’s father…

Her tears were clogging her nose and making her throat ache, slipping down her cheeks faster than she could wipe them away.

She remembered her last phone call with Beth, who didn’t agree with her decision to wait before telling Jake.

“You’ve already done the virgin heroine thing. Don’t you dare do the secret baby thing. I hate it when heroines do that.”

Beth was comparing her life to fiction again. Erin shook her head, thinking how grotesquely unlike a romance novel her life was.

“I’m not doing the secret baby thing. My God, I would never do that. I’ll tell Jake before the baby’s born. He can be there for the birth, if he wants. But what he’s doing now…it’s important. Remember how you said he needed to deal with his stuff? He’s actually doing that, Beth. He needs some time. And…so do I.”

She heard the pleading tone in her own voice, and Beth must have heard it, too, because her own voice turned contrite.

“I’m sorry, Erin. I don’t mean to sound judgmental. I can’t imagine how tough this is for you. I just hate the idea of you doing this all alone, and I know Jake will do the right thing. But I won’t bug you anymore.”

The right thing.

Of course Jake would do the right thing.

Instead of making her feel better, crying only made her feel worse. She couldn’t afford to break down like this. Because when she felt weak, all she wanted to do was call Jake.