Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (10 page)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will (Rom. 8:26-27).

I can tell you this Scripture is true, because I’ve heard these moanings. The night my husband shared his choice to be an atheist was probably one of the most painful times in my life. The physical sensation resembled a punch in the stomach, and
the emotional one . . . well, I can only describe it as utter despair. I couldn’t even pray, nor did I know what to pray.

I look back even now and believe that part of what I felt was the Spirit’s reaction to my husband’s words. Perhaps that’s why God allowed me to hear the Holy Spirit this one time, to comfort me in my pain and to be clear that He understood my suffering because He had suffered too. From that day forward, I had to rely on God to rebuild my marriage according to His design, not my expectations.

God has blessed my marriage and honored my obedience to Him, my commitment to my marriage, and my determination to honor my husband. But I know that more challenges are coming and that my marriage will become a true image of what God intended. Watching the old wedding video was like God saying, “See, I’ve been there all along. Just wait and see what I do next.”

The amazing thing is, despite the fact that my beliefs and my husband’s beliefs are different, God still blesses our marriage, just as He blesses a marriage between believers. He is faithful and honors the covenant of marriage, even if you’re unequally yoked. The key is to remember that God wants your spouse saved even more than you do. God loves us this much—all of us.

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?

2 CORINTHIANS 2:14-16

The verses above reveal several treasures. Roman triumphal processions were known for the use of incense as treasures and
captives were paraded for all to see. For the victors, this aroma meant sweet triumph; for the captives, slavery and death. Paul used this analogy to represent the aroma of Christ. To believers, it is the sweet smell of mercy and salvation. To unbelievers, it’s the stench of death.

We are called to be the aroma of Christ in our marriage, and by simply living our faith as best we can, this naturally happens. But here’s where it gets tricky: At times we will be as sweet incense to our husband, a welcome fragrance. At other times, our faith will be a painful reminder to his soul of what’s missing. I believe this is part of the unseen battle in which God calls us to wear our armor. We will meet opposition as we pray for our husband’s salvation.

However, the real nugget in these verses is “those who are being saved.” God showed me this one day and put an intense excitement in my heart. The verb tense is present and ongoing and has a fascinating implication: Salvation is a process, and it’s one we don’t always see.

During our time in Switzerland, God used the story of Jericho to show me that I needed to march around my husband in prayer. At one point God gave me three words when I prayed for my husband’s salvation: “So be it.” This was the beginning of the salvation process for my husband, one that is still in the works. I can’t see anything significant happening, nor do I see any change in him. But I know God set into motion a process that will one day culminate in my husband’s salvation:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life
that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches (1 Cor. 7:15-17).

Paul didn’t say in these verses that we have a way out. On the contrary, he told us the opposite. As the believing spouse, we are encouraged to live in peace and make our marriage work (but not to deny our faith nor to endure abuse).

According to Paul, God may have put us where we are because we are to be a key factor to our spouse’s salvation. We may be one of the tools God is choosing specifically to use in bringing our loved one to Him. God may have called us to this exact place at this exact time.

As I said earlier, I know now that God put my husband in my life at a particular time to fulfill His purpose. And what I’m coming to realize is that God placed me in my husband’s life for a purpose as well. The closer I come to the time of my husband’s salvation, the more I’ve discovered I’m part of this process. And like Christ, my actions, my support and my unconditional love speak the loudest to my dear husband.

We are truly the aroma—stinky or sweet—of Christ in our spouse’s life, And we are also the vessel in which God will bring His blessings. Believe it.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us
.

ROMANS 8:37

In the fall of 2008, our 14-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Like most parents, we never imagined something like this could happen to us. Our lives
were suddenly thrust into a narrow focus of hospitals, doctors, surgeries and treatments. Praise God, today she is cancer free and in complete recovery. Physically.

What we didn’t expect was the emotional fallout that compounded an already existing condition of depression and teenage angst. At times, the first months—going through all her surgeries, radiation treatments and even an ER run one panicked evening—seemed easier than the emotional trials she would endure. If you’re a parent, you know the pain of watching your child struggle. I heard Beth Moore once say of mothers that we’re only as happy as our saddest child.
¹
Her words ring true, don’t they?

We can easily allow ourselves to see only the moment of despair and not the blessings and hope God holds constantly ready in His hand for our benefit. I have to remind myself on the worst of days that it’s not the true picture of what will be, because I know God’s working. The next week, the next day, even the next hour could present a completely different picture.

Our trials and hardships are unique to who we are and are uniquely designed to challenge and try us, even push us to the very edges of our faith. God’s Word not only tells us this but also shares the benefit:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Rom. 5:3-5).

Our human nature pushes us toward the easy way, the less treacherous path. But then we find ourselves left in the trenches without a view of the sun breaking on a dark horizon. We miss
the revelation and blessing of God’s faithfulness and hope, and we find our world limited to the muck surrounding us.

However, our spirit desires to tackle the rough uphill terrain because it instinctively knows the promise that’s waiting to be discovered over the next ridge. It knows without a doubt that God is there waiting to welcome us into deeper intimacy with Him.

The most profound thing that God has ever shared with me in our struggle to bring our family to wholeness were these words: “There is purpose in your pain.” These words weren’t easy to hear at first, and I won’t tell you what I told Him (thank goodness God loves me despite my temper tantrums). But I recognized the truth and grabbed on to it for dear life.

Why? Because to think we go through such struggles and heartbreak in life for no reason at all is completely intolerable to my sense of justice and purpose. If I am to suffer, let it at least be for the benefit of someone, if not myself. When we choose to persevere for God because He deems it important to our future and quite possibly to the salvation of our husband, we can trust in God’s faithfulness. He will bless us and our marriage for our faithfulness to Him.

The trials in a spiritually mismatched marriage can be intense, but there is comfort in knowing that God only allows us to struggle for good reasons. It’s like the story of Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah (Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego) in Daniel 3. These three men were willing to perish in the fires of persecution in order to stand firm in their faith in God. They told Nebuchadnezzar that their God would save them, and that even if He didn’t, they would die before worshiping a false god. They persevered, and God rewarded them for their faithfulness. They didn’t die, their untouched clothing didn’t even smell like smoke, and they experienced the presence of God in a most tangible and visible form (see Dan.
3:25). They walked out of the fiery furnace a true testimony to their God and their faith—a rich blessing indeed.

Sometimes our mismatched marriages (and our trials) can feel like that fiery furnace. But like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, we’re not alone. God is in the middle of it with us. The choice is ours whether we come out stronger in our faith and present a powerful witness to those watching, like Nebuchadnezzar (our husbands), or if we come out smelling like smoke (bitter and resentful).
²

The key is to stop seeing our mismatched marriage and our husband as problems to be solved and accept both as blessings to be enjoyed. We can learn from our struggles and grow in faith. God wants to show us the beauty present in our situation and to teach us not to be afraid to get our hands dirty in order to sift for the jewels awaiting discovery. He nudges us to climb the treacherous mountain so we can see the sun peeking over a horizon filled with promise. He wants us to know that we will find His presence even in the darkest of places.

This is where we experience joy in the midst of trial. We discover the ability to laugh and appreciate special moments despite imperfect conditions, and, most importantly, we learn that we are not responsible for the results. God is. And that’s when we discover our greatest blessing—God Himself. He is our portion and our great reward. You can’t find better treasure than that.

One of the most difficult truths to accept in our faith is that God allows trials in our lives for our good and for the good of others. Ask God to prepare and open your heart to work through the next set of questions, so you can find peace and understanding.

1. Reflect on how you entered your marriage. Do you still have regrets or carry guilt for marrying your spouse? If so, seek God’s forgiveness or His peace, and allow Him to bring healing to your heart and to your marriage.

2. Do you view your marriage as a covenant blessed by God? Pray and ask God to show you how He has blessed your marriage, and then make a list of those blessings and review it frequently.

3. Is there any area of your marriage in which you feel you aren’t being obedient to God? If so, what steps do you need to take to change this? Be specific.

4. Do you believe the promise of Romans 8:28? If so, can you see some of God’s purpose in your situation? If not, what keeps you from believing God is working for your good as well as the good of your husband?

5. In what ways do you feel you are the aroma of Christ for your spouse?

6. What struggles are you facing right now? What do you think God is trying to teach you?

Precious Lord, You are my great Redeemer. Please forgive my unbelief and help me to truly believe my marriage is blessed. Help me to release the burdens of the past into Your hands and find freedom in Your merciful love
.

Lord, teach me the kind of obedience You are calling me to in my marriage. Help me to be the aroma of Christ to my spouse. Be my strength in the midst of whatever life brings. In the holy and blessed name of Christ, amen
.

1
. Beth Moore,
Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman
, video series (Nashville, TN: LifeWay Press, 2008).

2
. Beth Moore,
Daniel: Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy—Member Book
(Nashville, TN: LifeWay Press, 2006), p. 47.

He [the Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me
.

2 CORINTHIANS 12:9

In Jeremiah 13:1, God told Jeremiah to purchase a linen belt and tie it around his waist. Jeremiah did as God had instructed. Then God spoke a second time and told Jeremiah to bury the belt in a crevice (see v. 4). Many days later, Jeremiah unearthed the belt at God’s direction and found it “ruined and completely useless” (v. 7). God used this illustration to show Jeremiah what Judah and Israel had become in their idolatry—“useless.”

As I read this chapter in Jeremiah, I sensed the Holy Spirit saying to me, “Stop and pay attention.” Throughout the Bible, we usually see linen used in association with Christ and His priesthood, going all the way back to Exodus and Aaron. Revelation 19:8 says that “fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.”

Isn’t it like God to use a metaphor to reflect His meaning on so many levels? Judah and Israel had lost their righteousness because of their pride, wickedness and stubbornness. They became as broken, tattered and “useless” as that linen belt.

God further expounds upon the meaning of the belt in Jeremiah 13:11:

“For as a belt is bound around a man’s waist, so I bound the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah to me,” declares the L
ORD
, “to be my people for my renown and praise and honor. But they have not listened.”