Woman on Fire (26 page)

I'm not sure I can pinpoint when my sexual practice began or how I learned to nurture my own desire. It could have been the art I made when I was younger and had more time, or all the time I spent in nature, running around naked and doing ritual. It could have been my love for music and how it moved my body, sometimes to orgasm all by itself. It might have been my lusty masturbation practice. Maybe it was my active sex life or the time it dwindled down to a slow ember in my long-term relationship and our therapist prescribed a weekly sex date.

What I can tell you is that I've made sexuality a priority because I want to feel that alive and vibrant. All of the raw material is there inside us. The creativity begging for vision and birth. The flirtation that wants to abandon inhibition. The desire that allows itself to exist and boldly answers “Yes!” You have to claim your own desire.

I believe that developing a sexual practice is an important way to keep your sexuality on the front burner. I think of a sexual practice the way one might think of a spiritual practice. It's something you choose to do daily to bring attention to your sexuality and keep the well in working order. A sexual practice can be simple and quick, or it can be more involved and take time. There are endless possibilities.

You could use some affirmations or a meditation on your sexual
self. Movement works well for many people. I've known women who have a daily dance practice. Some people have a masturbation-meditation practice and dedicate their orgasms as blessings. You could use some kind of breathwork or yoni massage. One of my sexual practices is that I greet my body and thank it every morning by running my hands over every part of it, starting at the crown of my head. This awakens my skin, makes it tingle, and is a way I can connect to my body every day as part of my meditation. My client Sandy named this practice “The Two-Minute Tingle.”

It's important to choose something that feels meaningful to you and to where you are with your sexuality. This daily attention keeps desire activated and keeps your sexuality a priority. For people who are frustrated that sex/sexuality seems to sink down to the bottom of the priority list, this is a great way to keep that from happening and to stay present to your sexual self.

CREATE A SEXUAL PRACTICE

Choose a part of your sexuality you want to bring attention to, engage more, learn about, or heal. Maybe you want to be more connected to your body or love your body more. Maybe you want to experience more pleasure or develop your desire. Maybe you want to overcome sexual shame or feel more connection. Choose something, and then develop a practice that relates to this part of your sexual self. For instance, if you aim to love your body more, do something that involves your body being more activated and physical. Choose something or a series of things that you spend between five and thirty minutes doing each day. Choose a time of day that works best for you and begin to practice. Over time, your practice might shift or evolve, and that's fine. Just choose something to begin with and allow yourself to see what opens up for you when you show up for your sexuality daily.

I have kept altars in my home since I was a teenager and learned to keep a special place for meditation. I always keep a main altar as my sacred place where I sit to be quiet, to meditate, to connect with my self and spirit. I enjoy making it a beautiful, intentional space. I keep art, special objects, candles, and representations of the elements on my altar. I change it with the seasons, with my moods, or what I am focused on in my life. I use cloth and color and I have a special round table I have used for years for this altar.

I've built altars in my kitchen, in my office, outside, and in other parts of my house. They are fun to create and are a place of beauty—an offering to something. Over the years I have asked the women in my programs to build an altar to their sexuality, to their sexual self, or to their desire. It's a great way to bring attention to what you want to keep in the front of your mind, to envision what you want, and to keep sexy afoot. The women get very creative in how they make their altars. They might put in images that make them feel sexy, pictures of themselves, photos or lists of their ideal future lovers,
collages, sex toys, fruit, water, or other objects that relate to whatever they are growing in their sexuality.

BUILD AN ALTAR FOR YOUR SEXUALITY AND DESIRE

What do you want to honor? What would make it come alive? What objects or images will make you feel connected to your sexuality and your path of sexual growth and empowerment? What do you desire that you could represent on your altar? Put it in a special part of your house, maybe your bedroom. Keep it as sacred—don't rest drinking glasses on it or let others play with the things on it. It's for you. This can be an excellent place to perform sexual practices or ritual if appropriate to the space.

The element of ritual is very important for most people's sexuality, and using ritual consciously to invoke things we want, create meaningful experiences, and bring attention and intention to various parts of our sexuality is important. It's also tremendously underused. We are used to big rituals like weddings, but rituals can go way beyond ceremonies of love to seal marriages between life partners.

The key to ritual is to set an intention and take some sort of action around that intention. Ritual can help you actualize a desire. There are so many possibilities for how you can “intensify” your desires and the things you want to create through ritual. We have all sorts of dating rituals and rituals of seduction: lighting the candles, turning down the lights, putting on the music, and making yourself smell nice before your date comes over. Putting on sexy lingerie and primping in anticipation of a date. These are all rituals. I often assign rituals to my clients when there is something they need to release, invoke, or make peace with in their sexuality. This could be everything from releasing a past lover, forgiving themselves for an abortion, or setting an intention for how they will love and embrace their body with pleasure. Rituals can also be part of how we bring in what we want. I provided a ritual related to loving the body in the last chapter and I've put a few rituals in the online portal for you to use if you feel moved.

There are endless ways to do ritual. Use the elements, baths, writing, dancing, making written or verbal commitments, doing things that symbolically resonate with what we are intending—anything goes! I find ritual to be an immensely satisfying creative activity. I do rituals alone, with lovers, and in groups, and all have
power to move energy, shift focus, and help you align with what you desire.

Rituals and sexual practices ideally should help you become aligned with and begin to experience your highest sexual and spiritual good. As you are tapped into your own core energy, connected to your desires by taking conscious action to express your sexuality from an authentic and aligned place, you become more empowered sexually. Taking conscious action and making clear choices about your sexual expression and invocation are clear ways to feel empowered. We always feel more empowered when we are doing something for ourselves that feels right and that meets a self-need. Ritual and practice accomplish this.

You are meant to create. Nothing comes into being in the world without first a vision, a dream of its becoming. You have dreams and visions. You can choose to make them realities. In the sexual realm, we call dreams “fantasies.” What do you imagine yourself doing? What fantasies do you see in your mind? Which ones get you most excited? Which ones do you see over and over?

Sometimes we have fantasies that we would not necessarily want to experience in the actual world. Our fantasies could involve some big risks or absence of safety, and that's part of what makes them so very hot. You do not have to feel guilty for your fantasies—they are part of the canvas of your mind's art. Your fantasy might be of the husband, the white picket fence, and two well-behaved children, or it might be for anonymous mind-blowing sex with an attractive stranger. Or a hot sexual experience with another woman. Go for it. Fantasize without censorship. Go for what you really do want and stop judging yourself for the content of your wants or fantasies, or for your desire itself.

When people are not in touch with their fantasies, there is a whole aspect of their sexual potential they are not using. Your brain is a powerful sex organ. If you are not actively using it, you are seriously limiting your potential for pleasure. Your brain is an essential sexual tool activated in pleasure and orgasm. Exploring what's in there and what creates excitement for you will help you get more of what you want and to feel more pleasure. If you do not know what's sexy for you, how will you explore it?

Many women get nervous about fantasy because they really don't know what they desire. Some of the women in my women's sexuality program asked me for a list of sexual things they could do or try because they don't know what to ask for and are confused about desire. How do you order something if you don't even know what's on the menu? We developed a list of things (which can always be supplemented) and added it to the
Woman on Fire
portal for you.

If you've never really had a strong fantasy life, there are many good ways to engage it. Many women seek ideas from others because they don't know what their fantasies are. Expose yourself to stories and ideas and see what turns you on. Pay just as much attention to what doesn't turn you on as what does, and why. This helps you figure out the elements that really work for you. Read magazines, advice columns, or erotica, watch feminist pornography, erotic films, or other media designed to arouse. Talk to other people about their fantasies to open up possibilities. Chat rooms and advice columns are particularly interesting because they are real people's stories, and sometimes out of nowhere one will really turn you on or give you an idea for something that feels super sexy for you that you never thought of before.