Always and Forever (12 page)

It’s a surreal and bizarre feeling to see Sarah again so
soon after I’ve said goodbye to Bethany. It’s like my past and my present are
colliding right in front of my eyes.

“Jake, I know this might sound like a stupid question but
how are you? Are you ok?” She wrings her fingers together as though she’s
afraid of my reply.

“I’m ok.” I respond despondently.

She opens her mouth to say something else but I hold my
hand up to stop her. I suddenly have an intense need to get far away from her.
I can’t do this; I’m not ready to have this conversation with her.

“Jake, please. Just listen to me.” She begs.

“Look, Sarah. I have to go, feel free to stay if you want to
but I can’t do this.”

“I understand. I’m sorry.” She whispers softly. She looks
devastated but smiles at me sweetly. That smile of hers could easily lure a
perfectly good man over to the dark side.

I turn away from her and make my way into the house. My
breathing is out of control and I’m struggling to even out my erratic
heartbeat. I never thought she would still have such a powerful affect on me. I
lean against the front door with my eyes closed. A few minutes go by and when I
next open them I frown as I spot my sister making her way upstairs.

“Katie, where are you going?” I demand, grabbing a hold of
her arm.

 She spins around with a guilty expression on her
face.

“What are you doing here, Jake? I thought you were out for
the evening.” She seems disappointed that I’m here and I know that’s because
she knows I’ll make sure this entire party will be shut down before midnight.

“Where’s Mum?” I ask her.

“She’s passed out on her bed; she was wasted by nine
o’clock.”

“And where are you going?” I nod towards the stairs behind
her.

“I was just going up to my bedroom for a breather.” She
lies to me.

“Katie, I know that you’re eighteen which makes you old
enough to know better but please don’t be treat me like an idiot, I’m not
stupid and neither are you so don’t act like it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She wobbles on
the stair she’s standing on and I instinctively catch her to prevent her fall.
It’s obvious that she’s been drinking and I narrow my eyes at her wondering if
she’s taken anything else.

“Why were you going upstairs? Is there a guy up there?” I
ask her menacingly.

“No! Of course not.”

“Tell me the truth, Katie. Why are you pissed and who are
you meeting up there?”

“What’s it got to do with you? Why do you want to know?”

“Because I need to know the name of the guy I’m about to
kill.”

She raises her eyebrows at me but we both know I’m not
joking.

“Jake, please! Just stop. I’m sorry, I’m maybe a little
drunk but I’m not meeting anyone up there, I promise you. I just needed the
toilet, I feel sick and I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of doing as
I’m told.”

I narrow my eyes at her again, trying to figure out if
she’s telling me the truth.

“You better not be lying to me, Katie.”

“I’m not.” She smiles at me earnestly and I’m pretty sure
she’s not lying.

“Ok but there’s no reason for you to be going upstairs
alone. I don’t want
any of you up there by yourselves, especially when
I’m not here. Don’t you know how easy it would be for a guy to drag a girl like
you into a bedroom? And with the sound of the music playing no one would hear a
thing.”

“I know all of this, Jake. You’ve told me hundreds of
times.” She says exasperatedly.

“So why the hell are you drinking?”

“Because it’s a party and I’m legal.” She argues petulantly.

“I don’t give a fuck; I don’t want you drinking when I’m
not here. Someone could slip you anything and you wouldn’t even have a clue.”

“God, you’re paranoid, Jake.”

“No, I’m being realistic. Listen to me when I tell you that
house parties aren’t safe. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to any
of you.”

Her face softens at this and she ruffles my hair as though
she’s the big sister and I’m her little brother.

“Ok, I’ll use the bathroom downstairs.” She acquiesces.

“Good. Carla’s staying at her friends tonight, right?” I
ask, hating the uncertainty that my youngest sister might be amongst all of
this.

“Yep, don’t worry. She’s not here.”

I nod my head and watch Katie make her way back down the
stairs and disappear into the crowd. I usually insist on Carla staying over at
a friend’s house when I’m not here and I suspect there’s going to be a party
taking place. I’ve always been a bit more protective over Carla seeing as she’s
the youngest. She’s only seventeen, Katie’s nineteen and Leanne is twenty.

I watch one guy check out Katie as she walks by, he turns
to me straight after and I fix him with a cold, hard glare. He swallows
anxiously and turns away. At least he won’t even consider going after my little
sister anymore.

The party really doesn’t seem to be too out of control,
it’s still early so the music is ok for a little while longer. I climb the
stairs and realise that I feel utterly exhausted. Maybe it’s because of
Bethany’s revelation earlier tonight or my run in with Sarah just now or it
could even be the fact that I know my mum is wasted again and passed out in her
bedroom.

I reach my own room and close the door behind me, blocking
out all of the noise and the people stood drinking on the landing. They’re now
playing ASAP Rocky’s ‘Fashion Killa’ and I find myself closing my eyes whilst I
absorb the calming beat of the song. I sit down on my bed, letting go of a huge
sigh.

It’s still only ten o’clock so I’ll leave it another couple
of hours before I start kicking people out. I lie down on my bed and stare up
at the ceiling thinking about how ironic life can be sometimes. Two years ago I
would have been out there with them, partying hard and allowing several girls
into my room with me.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I eagerly reach for it
thinking it might be Bethany sending me a text already. I choose to ignore it
when I see that it’s from a girl downstairs asking if she can come up here. I
don’t even have her number programmed into my phone so fuck knows who she is or
how she got my number.

Thinking that there’s a possibility the mystery girl could
just make her way up here, I jump off the bed and hastily lock my bedroom door.
I want to be alone and the last thing I want is some girl offering herself to
me on a plate. I’ve been there and done that. I’m bored with how easy they make
it for me. What’s wrong with playing hard to get every once in a while?

I walk over to the window and look out onto the back
garden; it’s only small so there are only a handful of people out there
smoking. I look for Sarah wondering if she’s outside but can’t make her out. To
be honest I hope she’s gone home. Seeing her felt similar to the pain you get
when rubbing salt into a very painful and unhealed wound.

God, I wish I could call Bethany; I’d give anything to hear
her voice. I’d call her in a second if I knew that it wouldn’t get her into
trouble. Besides, even if it were possible for me to phone her she’d hear the
noise through the phone and it would only lead to unavoidable questions. She’d
wonder why a party would be going on and get suspicious about the sort of life
I lead. She’s still unsure about us I’m not going to risk her thinking anything
bad about me. I’m trying to gain her trust and I don’t want to give her any
reason to doubt me.

I groan and turn away from the window, dragging my fingers
through my unruly hair. Why can’t I stop thinking about her? Everything she
does is such a major turn on for me. I couldn’t move, think or even say
anything the night she removed her T-shirt to wear my hoodie. I don’t know if
she was aware that I could see right through her top and that sexy little pink
bra she was wearing almost tipped me over the edge. I had to clamp my hands by
my sides to stop myself from grabbing her

After that night I seriously considered going out with the
intention of finding a girl I could be with just one night. I wanted Bethany so
badly but I knew it was impossible, she deserves so much better than a greedy
and self-satisfying fuck, which is all I’ve ever been able to offer anyone
before now. It’s despicable but that’s exactly what I thought I needed after I
first saw Bethany. I felt like I needed to be with someone who I could pretend
was her, someone who I wouldn’t have to deal with the next day, someone I could
use and forget about. The only thing that stopped me from making that decision
was Bethany. I knew how it would make her feel if she found out and I honestly
wouldn’t be able to guarantee that I wouldn’t end up calling our Bethany’s name
if I were with some other girl. I want her that fucking badly.

I know we’re not even together but I already want to be
exclusive with her. Just the thought of another guy looking at her and
appreciating what he sees is enough to send me into an uncontrollable rage. Why
should it be ok for me to fuck someone else? It was hard making that decision
when every instinct in my body was screaming at me to bury myself inside
another person and to let my imagination get me off by picturing myself with
her. Instead, I dealt with it myself and have done ever since. I swear I’ve
never sent so much time in the shower.

Fuck this, I can’t wait any longer. I have to talk to her
and without any more consideration I reach for my phone.

Bethany

I make it back by nine fifteen.
Fifteen minutes over the time I agreed to be home.

“Mum, I’m back.” I walk into the kitchen to find her
clattering about and cleaning the kitchen cupboards.

“You’re late.” She says curtly.

“I lost track of time, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Mum just nods her head and I can see that it’s the end of
our conversation.

I make my way upstairs; I want to be alone anyway. I’m far
too joyful and exuberant to be around mum, it would only make her suspicious.

As I enter my bedroom I immediately start to contemplate a
good hiding place for the phone Jake gave me. I can’t even bring myself to
think what the repercussions would be if it were discovered. My mum often
ventures inside my bedroom to do housework so I need to find an imaginative
hiding place for it.

I decide to go and run a bath and then get an early night.
I stay in the bathroom for ages thinking about Jake and everything I told him
tonight. I have to admit that it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from
my shoulders just by letting him know how things are. I couldn’t keep my home
life a secret from him forever and at least now he knows the truth.

I hear a vibrating noise coming from one of my bedside
drawers as I enter my bedroom. I know it’s not the most original place to
conceal my new phone but until I can think of somewhere better it’s going to
have to do. I thought Jake would have given it to me already switched off. I
really need to be more careful.

I listen out for any signs that my father is home, I didn’t
hear anything when I was in the bathroom so I decide that it’s safe to reach
for the phone. Besides, my curiosity leaves me with no choice. I glance at the
phone’s screen and read the notification which shows me that I have one new
message.

Jake: I can’t stop thinking about you…xx

I hold my breath as I read my new text message. My heart
rate rapidly increases and my breathing becomes erratic. To know that he’s
thinking about me right now fills my stomach with butterflies. My palms are
sweaty as I run my thumb over the screen of the phone, savouring every single
word and the two kisses he put on the end. I think about what sort of reply I
can send him and after several minutes I hastily type in my response.

What if I were to say that I’m thinking about you too? X

I quickly press send before I change my mind and take a
seat on my bed whilst waiting for his reply. I’m so nervous I find myself
biting my nails in anticipation. Less than a minute later my phone’s screen
lights up again and gives off a soft vibrating sound letting me know that I
have a new message.

Jake: I’d say that’s extremely gratifying to know but now
I’m curious… what exactly do you think about when thoughts of me run through
your mind? Xxx

Wow, he is really flirtatious in his texts. I start to
consider whether I’m brave enough to flirt back with him or not. I suppose I
already did so earlier on tonight and it’s definitely easier not being able to
see his face. I feel more confident and I guess that texting is a great way to
figure out this whole sexual tension thing between us. It’s far less awkward
than face to face.

I’m actually wondering what you think about when you see me
biting down on my bottom lip. I know you’ve mentioned how badly you want to
kiss me but what else? xx

I don’t know how I managed to type that without making any
mistakes, my hands were shaking so much as I press ‘send.’ I nervously start
chewing on my bottom lip, chuckling to myself when I think about what Jake
would say if he could see me right now. This time he replies even sooner, it
must have only been thirty seconds after I sent my message.

Jake: Oh, Bethany… you have no idea about the things I’ve
imagined doing to you. What I’m experiencing right now is actual torture, to
know that I have to wait another seven days until I can see you again, it’s too
hard. There are so many things I want to do but I don’t want to speak too soon
and scare you away, I’m not sure you’re ready for the things I want us to do.
Xxx

My
mouth falls open as my eyes absorb Jake’s sensual
message. I feel a fire burning deep inside of me that I’ve never experienced
before and my whole body is tingling with excitement. My mind is picturing all
sorts of things, things I’ve never even imagined before. I’m about to reply to
his message when I hear the front door open downstairs. I quickly switch off
the phone and shove it under my mattress. As soon as he sees my bedroom light
on he’ll come in and say goodnight. I jump up and turn off my light before
scrambling underneath my covers.

I can scarcely breathe I’m so terrified of being caught.
God, I hope I managed to switch the phone off properly. What if he comes in
here and hears the sound of my phone vibrating? I can’t even think about what
my father’s reaction would be if he were to read some of Jake’s texts.

I can hear him talking downstairs to my mum and then his
footsteps ascending the stairs. I hear him pause outside of my bedroom door and
I will my heart rate to slow down, it’s beating so violently I’m sure he’ll be
able to hear it if he comes in here. The sound of my bedroom door opening
causes me to freeze with fear. What’s he doing? He can see my bedroom light is
off so why is he coming in here when he thinks I’m asleep?

He closes my bedroom door behind him and slowly makes his
way over towards my bed. I’m turned away from him and facing the wall. I try to
relax my breathing and stop the nervous flickering of my eyelids.

When his hand reaches out to stroke my hair away from my
face I mentally cringe away from him, I don’t want him touching me and I’m now
starting to wonder if he does this sort of thing regularly when I’m actually
asleep. The thought of that makes me nauseas.

“So beautiful.” He murmurs to himself as he remains
standing by my bed for what feels like hours but in reality is probably only a
couple of minutes. He places a dry kiss against my forehead before leaving and
as soon as my bedroom door closes I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Right now I
would give my right arm for a lock on my bedroom door. I wait another half an
hour for him to prepare himself for bed. As soon as I no longer hear him
tossing and turning I reach for my phone underneath my mattress and switch it
back on. I haven’t yet figured out how to switch the settings of my phone to
silent so I clutch the phone underneath my covers as it softly vibrates over
and over again alerting me to several messages.

Jake: I’m sorry; I went too far, didn’t I? I really am
sorry, Bethany. If I could take that last text message back I would. Please
talk to me. X

Jake: Bethany
Please
reply to me. Now I’m worried
that I’ve really upset you and it’s driving me crazy waiting for your reply. I
don’t want you to feel as though I’m pressuring you into anything. I’m sorry if
I took it too far, I really am an idiot but please reply and let me know you’re
ok? Even if you don’t want to talk to me just let me know that you’re ok? If
you want me to leave you alone I’ll understand or I can apologise over and
over, whatever you want… I’ll beg
if I have to. I really want to call
you right now but I know that will make things worse and you’ve practically
forbidden me from doing so. Bethany, please… just text me and let me know that
I haven’t ruined this already.

I smile at how thoughtful and considerate he is and I
instantly feel guilty for not being able to reassure him straight away. He’s
worried that he’s somehow offended me and I need to put this right.

Jake, you haven’t offended me, I promise you. I quickly had
to turn my phone because you know who came home. I had to hide it underneath my
mattress in case he came into my room to say goodnight but now that he’s home I
really do need to turn it off. X

I only have to wait a few seconds before he replies to me.

Jake: You’re ok though, right? He wasn’t suspicious and
didn’t say anything to you? I hate myself for putting you in this position. I’m
going to worry myself sick about you getting caught with the present I gave you
but I just had to find a way of being able to speak with you throughout the
week. I was going crazy last week waiting for Friday to come around. I want to
spend every single day with you, not just one xx

I type out a reply telling him to have sweet dreams and I
thank him again for my phone, even though I really need to be more careful if
I’m going to take responsibility for it.

Jake was texting me so frequently that he must have had his
phone close by him so I’m presuming he was at home. I’m so curious about his
personal life, what does he do in his spare time? What are his friends like?
Has he had a girlfriend before? That last question is pretty stupid; of course
someone as gorgeous as Jake has had a girlfriend. It would be a miracle if he
hadn’t.

I then start to wonder what she might have looked like. I
can imagine her being absolutely beautiful, she’d have to be to be able to
capture Jake’s interest, right? So why the hell is he giving me so much of his
attention? As much as I hate to admit it a large part of me still thinks that
this could all be one huge joke for him. He’s probably at a club right now,
surrounded by lots of beautiful girls and his friends laughing about my amateur
messages to him as I tried to flirt.

No, that’s not fair. Jake’s
given me no reason to doubt him and so I decide I’m not going to. I really just
want to fall asleep but I keep on picturing Jake at a bar surrounded by
gorgeous women. I could toss and turn all night evaluating and fretting over my
screwed up anxieties but I decide not to. For some bizarre reason Jake seems
interested in me and he didn’t freak out earlier and leave when I told him
about my psychotic father. I eventually manage to drift off, even though my
sleep is restless and interrupted I’m glad that it’s Jake who’s the one to
infiltrate my mixed up thoughts.

The next morning is Saturday so mum and I make our usual
visit to gran’s house. I’m a little worried because I really don’t want to risk
making a mistake in front of mum. Gran and I were supposed to spend the evening
together last night and I’m not about to ruin our arrangement by slipping up
and saying something thoughtless. I can just imagine ruining everything by saying
something stupid, something that would easily give the game away.

As soon as mum leaves me and gran alone she asks me about
my evening with Jake last night.

“It was great; he even bought me a phone so that we can
keep in touch throughout the week. It was awful for us both not being able to
hear from each other.”

“That’s wonderful but I can tell that something’s troubling
you, what is it?” Gran asks with a hint of concern in her voice. I realise that
there’s no point in lying to her, she’ll see right through it anyway.

“It’s just that he’s almost too good to be true, Gran. I
don’t believe in perfection and he’s the closet thing to it. He could have
anybody and I mean anybody. He’s beautiful, handsome and brilliant, he’s
incredible and yet he’s interested in me, it just doesn’t add up.” I lower my
gaze feeling embarrassed by my own level of honesty.

“Bethany, you’ve got to stop this. You’ve never had any
belief in yourself, you always deny yourself from believing in anything
positive. You are a beautiful and remarkably intelligent young woman so why
shouldn’t Jake like you? He’s be mad not to. Your father’s kept boys away from
you for years; he’s always prevented you from getting close with anyone and this
has prevented you from seeing what the rest of the world does, that you’re
special and more than worthy of being seen as such.” She places her hands on
either side of my face and kisses my forehead.

I’m not sure I really believe in what she’s saying but I
decide to let the matter go, mum could walk back in any second now and we need
to be off the subject of Jake before then.

Mum goes on to ask if I enjoyed my evening with gran last
night and I even manage to surprise myself by how convincing I sound as I lie
to her.

We only stay for a couple of
hours and then make our way back home. My father’s still working at the
bookstore and will be for a few hours so I decide to go on up to the privacy of
my bedroom and check my phone. Sure enough I have a new message from Jake which
I received an hour ago when I was still at gran’s.

Jake: Hi, Beautiful. Hope you slept ok and that you’re
having a good day. I wanted to text you first thing this morning but I didn’t
know if it would be safe to or not. I’m working this evening so I won’t be able
to text you until I’m back home and that will be pretty late, I bet you’ll be
fast asleep by then. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and I
can’t wait to see you again on Friday. Six more days… xx