Finding Home (10 page)

‘I just feel like I’m drawn to you, you know?’ he said. He turned to face me, his deep eyes looking even darker than normal. ‘Am I an idiot?’

My heart leapt to my throat and froze there. He did. He liked me!

‘Me too,’ I whispered. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

‘You know I’m not happy with Coral. I just feel like you understand me like she never could.’

‘Are you going to end it with her?’

‘Absolutely.’ Luke moved his face closer to mine, and I nodded, unable to speak. I didn’t want to ruin it. It was the most beautiful moment, the most perfect thing.

It all seemed worth it now. Sure, Mum had died, and Dad had dumped me. I’d moved to a town in the middle of nowhere, had been asked if I needed counselling by my teacher, and had then taken part in a name-calling match with Coral in front of the whole class. But Luke and I were meant to be. That was why all of this horrible stuff kept happening to me.

Because in the end, there would be Luke. And he clearly felt the same.

He leaned towards me and raised his hand until it cupped my chin. I felt small and girly, nervous about what would happen next. This was it. It was make or break time.

Then, in a split second, his lips were on mine, and I forgot all that. They felt soft and firm, the way they moved against mine in slow, gentle circles. He consumed my mind, my thoughts, my being: he was everything I wanted.

His tongue slowly forced its way inside my mouth and I let it in, loving how warm and deliciously wet it felt. He was good at this, I decided, and I hoped I was living up to his standards.

Soon, the kisses grew in intensity. They became more insistent, messier, until I could feel the wetness of his saliva almost reaching my chin. He sped up and I sped with him, the heat of it all — the urgency — creating a desperate neediness. Our bodies moved closer together.

All thoughts of Coral had completely left my mind, leaving me to make out with the guy of my dreams. It felt like we had been kissing for hours. I wanted him, wanted him with all of myself. This didn’t comparable to the random guy I’d kissed at that club in Melbourne. This was real. This was love.

I slid down, lying on the grass, Luke hovering over me with the moon silhouetting his head.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked. He stroked my hair as we took in the air. I took a quick look at my phone. We had been kissing for over half an hour.

‘Fine.’ I smiled back.

Then he started kissing my neck. I felt my back arch into him, trying to get closer. His hands ran down the sides of my body, hovering over my breasts, which he cupped with his hands. Because I wasn’t wearing a bra, the impact of them, so warm, so rough and needing, made my nipples hard and, from the slight gasp I heard from his mouth, I was sure he felt it, too.

Now his hands were between my legs, and he pushed them open a little. It felt warm, good. I was so turned on, more than I’d ever imagined I could be. He flicked open the button of my jeans and wiggled them down with my underwear, just a little, so that I felt my bum on the cool, damp grass.

This was it. I was going to go to first base, or whatever you wanted to call it. It was such a stupid term for what was about to happen, but I was ready. I’d never had a guy touch me before, but sharing that experience with Luke would be worth it.

I soon forgot about all that, lost in his kisses once more. His mouth was back on my lips now, parting them, while his hands busied themselves elsewhere. Then, without any warning, something forced its way inside me.

And it wasn’t his hands.

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. God, it hurt so bad. I had to pull away for a second, grinding my teeth together in pain.

Was this really happening?

I tried to look at Luke, but his head was over my shoulder. Was this it? Was I about to lose my virginity?

Luke thrust into me, and I realised that I already had. The pain seared. What had felt so good only a few seconds earlier now felt uncomfortable and ugly. It hadn’t looked like it would feel like this in the movies, where there were candles and gentle whispers. Nothing about my butt rubbing against the prickly, damp grass, or the uncomfortable bulk of this heavy guy grunting on top of me was romantic at all. I felt removed, as if I was looking down at myself from above.

Surely this wasn’t really happening to me. This wasn’t how I lost it, was it?

I was with a guy I liked, liked a lot, maybe even loved. He liked me too. We had a connection! He was going to break up with Coral on Monday, and then we would be together forever, maybe even married one day. It would all be fine.

God, if only he would stop.

After a few minutes, it was done. He collapsed on top of me, taking my breath away with the weight of his body. I was cold, wet and, all of a sudden, extremely sober.

What have I done?

‘Wow,’ Luke said in a quiet, caring voice.

‘Yeah,’ I said, as I slid my pants back up to where they belonged and wiggled out from underneath him. I didn’t know what to say. He had done this before, clearly. You’re not in a long-term relationship at 17 and not having sex, I thought. God, it’s a miracle I’m 17 and a virgin.

Or, was.

‘This is great.’ I snuggled into him. I was trying to convince myself as much as him. I needed this to be okay. This had to work. I’d given up too much for it to fail now.

He kissed the top of my head, and I smiled. Everything was going to be okay. He liked me.

‘So, we should probably get back. We don’t want everyone talking about where we’ve been.’ He stood up, doing up the buttons on his fly with the nimble ability of a stripping athlete.

‘Yeah. Not until you’ve told Coral, anyway,’ I said.

I wanted this to be clear. He was going to tell Coral — he’d told me their relationship was going nowhere and that he felt a connection with me. Of course he’d tell her.

‘Yeah,’ he agreed, slinging an arm around my shoulders.

‘You are going to tell Coral, right?’ I persisted, unable to get the better of my insecurities.

‘Of course, babe, but let’s not ruin our night with talk of that. What we just did was special.’

He smiled and flashed his teeth at me once more. I tried to imagine that things were just like they had been before, like they were on the way into the school, but I couldn’t. His pace felt quicker, more rushed, like he was eager to get back to the party. When we got to the metal fence, separating the school grounds from the road, he took a run up and leapt over it in a single bound. He didn’t even pause or look back to make sure I got over okay.

Luke had just made love to me. I’d wanted that moment, had dreamed of it — but then why did I feel so weird now? And guilty, like I’d maybe hurt not only Coral but had cheated myself?

In a few minutes we were back at the party, where things had gotten hotter. People were dancing on the floor, the couch, and the music was up louder. I checked my phone. It was late. We’d been gone a whole lot longer than I’d thought.

Luke muttered something about needing a drink and left me standing there, by myself, in the middle of a room full of people. I glanced around, scanning the bodies. I couldn’t see Lily or Kyle, or even Nick. I hoped they hadn’t left without me.

‘Amy! There you are!’ Kyle said as he came up to me. ‘Are you okay?’ He looked genuinely concerned, and not just in a ‘because Lily told me to’ kind of way.

‘What do you mean? I’m fine, I just went for a walk with Luke.’ I smiled.

His eyes narrowed. ‘And you’re sure you’re okay?’

‘I’m fine. What could be wrong?’ I laughed gaily and looked across the room to where Luke stood, surrounded by a group of guys that included the four from Rachel’s party. They were laughing and slapping him on the back. He was the centre of attention as always, and I remembered again why I liked him so much. Why everyone liked him. He was a genuine guy, one that people gravitated towards and listened to, and with a killer body, to boot.

It was okay. I’d made a good choice.

‘Amy!’ Lily came flying over and grabbed my arm. ‘Is everything okay? Nothing happened, did it?’

‘Well, nothing I didn’t want to,’ I replied.

‘Let’s get her out of here,’ Lily said to Kyle. She pulled me by the arm towards the door.

‘What?’ I protested angrily. ‘I’m not leaving!’

‘She needs to go,’ Kyle agreed, ignoring my attempt at rebellion.

‘I have to say goodbye to Luke.’ I dug my heels in as much as I could, but it did no good against the two brute forces dragging at me. As I left the room, I felt someone staring at me. I turned to meet that set of eyes, but it was only Nick, his icy blues seemingly burning holes through my head from the other side of the room.

Lily gave my shoulder another tug, and suddenly I’d left the party. I couldn’t believe it. The one person who’d I’d thought was my friend wasn’t going to let me say goodbye to the guy who meant the world to me.

The guy I had just given up everything for.

It’s all right, I told myself. I have dates and a future and all sorts of fun things with Luke to look forward to.
Going home without a goodbye is fine. It may even add to the mystery
.

I’d been with Luke. He was going to break up with Coral. We’d be together, and I’d get a second chance at the whole lovemaking thing. It was all going to be okay.

For the first time in months, I felt like maybe I had found my place.

I woke up the next morning in what was now a familiar spot: the couch at Lily’s place. The house was dark but, as with the last time I stayed over, a strong smell of coffee emanated from the kitchen.

I smiled, remembering the events of the previous night. Luke…Luke and I. Never in a million years did I think I’d have ended up with someone like him: me, the reject daughter of a rock star, and him, the captain of the football team. Sure, we had to take the cheerleader out of the equation, but after that things could only get better. I was sure they would.

‘Hi, Paula.’ I meandered into the kitchen.

‘Hi…Amy, isn’t it?’ She asked. I bit my tongue. She was vague, but at least she was nice. And, right now, she was the keeper of the coffee.

‘That’s me.’ I grinned.
Amy, who was maybe in love with Luke. Maybe.
A massive grin spread across my face as I thought about him once more.

‘How are you? My Lily is sleeping in again,’ she told me, smiling.

‘Yeah, we had a late night.’

‘Good one, then?’ she asked, pouring the coffee into two mugs. Clearly I had been upgraded from ‘friend who shares my cup’ to ‘friend who gets her own.’ I felt privileged.

‘The best,’ I grinned.
A big night out with my new friends, and then sex, and then coffee the next day.
It was certainly a standout weekend compared to my normal ‘watch Dad play and then get drunk’ routine.

‘That’s good then,’ Paula said, smiling at me. ‘Wait. I forgot, do you drink coffee?’

I nodded and watched as she added two heaped spoonfuls of white powder from a jar marked ‘Salt’ into her own cup. Surely she was on something.

‘Ah, yes, that’s right. I wish I didn’t want it so much,’ Paula confided, popping both elbows on the counter like I’d seen Lily do on several occasions. They were so similar, the two of them, although Lily definitely seemed more in control. ‘It would be easier if I didn’t like it.’

‘Because it’s so addictive?’

‘Yes. And because they say you shouldn’t have it while you’re pregnant.’

‘You’re pregnant?’ I asked, incredulous. How could Paula be pregnant? She didn’t look it. Lily’s mum had always seemed to have — at best — a tenuous grip on reality, but was she being serious now?

And that led me to another question I hadn’t even considered asking: Had Luke used protection?

Am I pregnant?

‘Yes, I am. Only 12 weeks now, so not showing much yet, but definitely pregnant.’ She smiled, rubbing her belly.

‘Wow! Congratulations,’ I said, but my mind was a million miles away. It hadn’t felt like he’d had time to put on a condom. But maybe he had. I didn’t know what his hands were doing before he’d, well, put
it
in me. Was he putting on protection or just taking time undoing his pants? Or undoing his belt? Was he even wearing a belt?

I wracked my brain. I could remember so many moments from that night, hundreds of snapshots of memories both good and less than good, but none of them featured a belt or lack thereof.

Damn it.

‘Yes, Lily will have a baby brother or sister! I thought she would have told you.’ Paula said. I shook my head but made a mental note to ask her about it later. After I’d dealt with my own potential pregnancy crisis.

‘Morning, Mum,’ Lily said. ‘How are you doing, Amy?’ Her eyes were only half-open as she stumbled into the kitchen and took the cup of coffee from her mother’s hands.

‘Pretty good. You?’
On cloud nine, actually, give or take a pregnancy scare.

‘Fine,’ Lily answered. ‘So you’re not upset about anything, then?’

‘Why would Ally be upset?’ Paula asked.

‘I wouldn’t be! And it’s Amy, not Ally.’ Why was Lily embarrassing me in front of her Mum? ‘Is Kyle still in your room?’

Hopefully a change of subject would distract her.

‘Yep. He’s out cold.’ Lily finished her coffee and started making another. Paula remained silent. I thought of Dad and how he would have flipped out if I’d have had someone stay over in my bedroom. How could Lily’s mum not care?

‘Well, tell him when he wakes up that I have some ham in the fridge for him, if he wants it,’ Paula said, before grabbing her oversized handbag from her feet, throwing it over her shoulder, and walking down the hallway towards the front door.

I waited a moment. Lily and I studied each other with our eyes narrowed. I knew some serious interrogation was about to begin.

‘So, you and Kyle seem cosy,’ I said, launching my attack. ‘Spending the night in your room…’

‘Oh, yeah, I guess.’ Lily became very interested in the contents of her coffee mug. She wiped her finger around the inside, scavenging up all the remaining floaty bits of milk, and licked her hand clean.