Just Breathe (Blue #1) (18 page)

“Maybe I should,” he scowls back at her. “At least she would give me the time of day.”

“Maybe you should. At least she doesn’t have a best friend you’ll try to maul,” Dartanya hatefully says, pulling out of the parking lot and stopping at the stop sign.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think the two of you were fucking,” I voice my observations, which earns them both to look angrily at me over their shoulder.

Chapt
er 13

These strings attached to my body need to be cut

With each animated movement and every planned step

I can feel the world suffocating me

But a marionette’s heart is hollow and can’t be broken

So from now on, I’ll hide under Geppetto’s hand.

Cassandra

Lucas passed out almost instantly after he leaned his head on my shoulder in the cab. I tried to wake him by elbowing him, but that only caused him to snore louder. Once, as he repositioned himself like a snake to my side, he murmured, “I’m sorry, love you…” He paused and then finished his sentence, “Awake?” After he spoke, he sat straight up, and one somber glance in my general vicinity, he was out again.

Despite how brief the pause had been, the use of those two words in the same sentence caused my heart to pound against my chest and my breathing to hitch. Every bit of uncertainty and self-doubt I had ever felt began to seep from my pores, causing me to question why Lucas is sticking around.

He didn’t say he loved me, and in a way, it was a relief. Yet, in the very same moment, I could feel my hope dwindle, uncertain as to what it is I want him to feel. Not that my life had a sense of direction before him, but now there definitely wasn’t one. When it comes to Lucas, I don’t know which way is up.

Maybe I had been a little overdramatic about Lacey, but at least Lucas was safe. Even if the status of our relationship may be non-existent in the morning, it is the least of my worries at this point. My heart feels like it is breaking in half for them and for their loss of Amelia and whatever is happening between Lucas and me. Although I had only met her briefly, in that short amount of time, I could tell the world had become a colder place the moment she took her last breath.

As soon as I walk through my bedroom door, I close it behind me, not wanting to risk Dar coming home and insisting we talk. Tears begin to pool in my eyes and flow down my face. No one is here with me, but it makes me feel safer closing off myself from everyone else. I change into an oversized t-shirt and lean against the door. Anguish consumes me as I slide down to the floor. Everything that happened today makes my head feel like it is spinning. Crying isn’t something in which I take pride. Every time it happens, I feel like he’s won again. Yet, in this moment, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life. Dar is with Hunter. Lucas is with Nathan and quite possibly Lacey, but I shouldn’t think about that. This is not the time to display self-pity; I’m not the one who just lost a sister, a mother, a wife, or a friend. However, I feel like everything I once cared for is gone.

Maybe Lucas and I were never intended to be together and doomed from the start. Maybe if I had not fought him as much? If I had let him in? Each new thought causes me to sob harder than the previous one, bringing new pain to my soul. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, but trust doesn’t come easily to me. Most people can trust. Most normal people, that is, but I’m broken, damaged goods.

The last time I felt this overwhelmed was the night my trust in humanity died. When someone touches me, I can still feel Harold’s calloused hands against my bare skin as he ripped my clothes from my body. His wicked smile as I tried to fight him off still haunts my dreams.

It is ironic that the very words he uttered are the words that now encircle my left ankle. “Fidarsi di nessuno” means “Trust no one” in Italian. “Niente paura,” meaning “Fear nothing,” around my right, reminds me I survived and always will be a survivor. I run my fingertips along the black ink outlining each letter. Dar and the tattoo artist are the only two people who know what they mean. I chose Italian because I admire how exotic and enticing the language is rolling off the tongue.

The placement of my tattoos was actually Dar’s idea. The rope Harold used to secure me to the bedposts caused severe scaring. They were a constant reminder of him, so she convinced me to get tattoos to hide them. “A new beginning,” she referred to it, leaving the past behind. She got her sparrow tattoo on her ankle at the same time I got mine, even though we had barely known each other.

The moment we met in the therapist’s waiting room, I instantly felt like I could trust her. There was something innocent about her smile that broke down every wall I had built, which was weird, considering I hadn’t trusted anyone in years. She had also been raped, but she didn’t know her attacker. She was sixteen, and I was nineteen at the time, and the rest is history.

*****

The tears that previously plagued me now only appear as smeared mascara left behind, staining my cheeks. Lightly, I smudge the skin beneath my eyelids to wipe away the black smear and exhale deeply. After sitting in the same position for so long, my legs cramp. I guess it’s my body’s way of asking me to get up off my ass and quit feeling sorry for myself. “Okay,” I groan, as I push off the floor and roll my eyes, feeling silly for talking to myself.

Pins and needles immediately erupt in my left leg and foot as I stand, causing me to curse myself for sitting so long. I open the doors and drag my limbs behind me as I walk to the kitchen. I giggle, thinking of how I must look like a zombie and wonder if I’m still drunk.

I tap my front tooth with my fingertip to see if it is numb. I can feel it, so I must not be as drunk as I had been. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s a myth or not, but it seems to be pretty accurate when gauging my drunken state of mind.

Following a low growl from my stomach, I decide to rummage through the fridge for something to eat. The glare from the light illuminates our apartment, nearly blinding me. I shield my pained eyes, resting my sights on a cup of yogurt, peaches, and cream that is setting on the bottom shelf.

The front door creaks, and I freeze mid-reach like a raccoon caught in a trash can once the living room light comes on. “Hello?” I croak after wetting my lips with my tongue.

“Love, don’t stop on my account. I could watch you dance around with your ass up in the air all night,” Lucas coaxes in a voice smoother than rayon velvet.

I cannot move. My lungs begin collapsing and inflating erratically.
Breathe in…Breathe out…

“Cassandra, just say something. I was joking.”

Slowly, I blink and turn my head to the side, trying to see him.
Have I gone completely mad, or is he really here?
Every single muscle in my body begins to quiver, and my knees weaken. He closes and locks the door behind him and then dashes across the floor toward me.

In one fluid movement, he sweeps me off my feet, and I’m in his arms. He kicks the refrigerator door shut and then carries me to the couch, but he doesn’t release me. He sits back and pulls me to his chest, leaving no space between us.

“Cassandra, I’m sorry for everything. I know I shouldn’t be here. I should have let you be, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t have let Lacey bring me, but she gave me no other choice. I called The Hot Spot to talk to you, but the damn troll wouldn’t let me.” He tips up my chin to make me focus on his face. His pupils are enormous. He inhales a long breath of air and then blows it out. “Dartanya gave me her keys. She said we need to be locked in a room together to figure out some shit.” That definitely sounds like something she would say.

“Wait. Where did you see her?” She is supposed to be staying with Hunter, or at least that’s what I thought.

“Here goes the neighborhood. Just don’t be mad at her.” I nod my head. “She’s been staying with me.” Immediately, my stomach begins to churn.

“Excuse me? She’s been what?” I yell. My heart pounds against my rib cage, and I internally count. “I don’t think I heard you correctly. She’s been staying with you?” I accentuate the last five words.

He puts up his hand. “Hear me out?” he pleads as he puts his hand back down. Pain shoots through my jaw from clinching my teeth so hard. “Dammit, I should have worded it differently. Let me try again. Hunter is my roommate. She came there to stay with him, but recently, he has been MIA. After Amelia passed away, she stayed at my place because I asked her not to tell you about my sister. She told me she would rather die than lie to you, so I asked her not to leave. I wanted to be the one to tell you, but I didn’t want to ruin your night tonight. So much for that, huh?” He shakes his head and briefly closes his eyes.

“Oh, that makes a little more sense, but where has he been?”

“No fucking clue, and to be frank, I don’t care right now.” He runs his tongue along the outlines of his lower lip and then bites the corner.

He leans his forehead against mine as he breathes out heavily again. “I’m entirely lost in you. When I said that before, I had no idea what I was saying, but now I know the true meaning. You are my calm, my wind, and my rain. Cassandra Blair Anderson, I love you with everything I have.” He brushes his lips against mine.

“I’ve never had a way with words, so if you don’t mind, I’ve written you something.” He motions toward my acoustic hanging on the wall. In disbelief, I blink my eyes, and my mouth falls open. Unable to speak, I mechanically nod. He scoots me off his lap and strides across the room to get the guitar.

After sitting back down, he clears his throat and starts twisting the silver keys to tune it to Drop D. He turns his body toward me and opens his mouth to sing.

“You’re the match that ignites my soul

The calm to my storm when I’m out of control

You’re the strings to my heart that is tattered and torn

The reason I live, the reason I mourn

I know it’s my fault. I’ll blame pride

The reason you left, the reason you cried

I can’t take it back. Oh, how I wish that I could

Cut these wires I’m made of wood

So pull on these nylon chords and make me walk

With a flick your wrists make me talk

Choreographed movements each step planned

To the world I’m your puppet

Forever I’ll hide beneath your hand

You’re the manipulator and I’ll be your marionette

As long as you control me I’m happy where I’m at

You’re the match that ignites my soul

The calm to my storm when I’m out of control

You’re the strings to my heart that is tattered and torn

The reason I smile, the reason I was born

Two hundred some words I’ve put in this song

But somehow they all seem to be wrong

They are the shield to my heart, an apology for my sins

I’m on my knees begging for you to let me in

Falling so hard I tangle the threads

You twirl your fingers and I stagger ahead

Dangling in outer space from this tiny strand

Hoping that someday you’ll let me land

So pull on these nylon chords and make me walk

With a flick your wrists make me talk

Choreographed movements each step planned

To the world I’m your puppet

Forever I’ll hide beneath your hand”

He sings the last word as he slowly drags the plastic pick across the sixth string, allowing it to reach its full resonance. The desperation he feels is apparent by his pleading tone. Blood courses through my veins with the power of a volcano. Heat fills every inch of my body when light glistens from the corner of his eye, and I watch him wipe away the tear.

“Too much?” he self-consciously asks as he places the guitar back onto the wall hanger.

Weakly, I shake my head. “Just enough,” I whisper as I try to fight back the tears that are beginning to blur my vision. Life is full of the unexpected, especially mine, but nothing could have ever prepared me for this moment when I recognize I’m in love with this man who has the voice of an angel. I wonder if the stars were on strike the night we met, throwing off the universe’s gravity, because I’ve been lost since the moment our lives collided.

Tonight will be the last night I let Harold control my decisions. It has been nine years, and to think about what he did is as painful as the night it happened. He is still rotting in Sanesville, as he will be for a while. Too bad West Virginia doesn’t use the death penalty.

This is the first time in my life that I can remember feeling calm without holding my necklace, counting, or using some other coping mechanism. I’m sure there will be days I backslide, but right now, I’m free from him, and it’s all because of Lucas.

Chapte
r 14

Some say life is a journey in which we embark

Others may say it’s a river that stills with time

However, on the day I’m laid to rest

I shall refer to it as one simple word

Sublime.

Lucas

The shaking begins in my hands, and before I know it, every inch of my body is trembling with fear. I thought Lilla was the only person whom I’ve ever cared for, but I am realizing now all those feelings were not love like I once thought. I’ve never really loved anyone until now. My intentions were never to come to Cassandra’s and tell her this. It was like my body was on autopilot, and my mouth was moving faster than my brain.

Slowly, I close the distance between us while she remains motionless and quiet. She breathes out heavily as I sit beside her on the couch, waiting for her to react. She turns her body toward me, and I can feel the thud of my heart in my throat as my anticipation grows.

“Lucas, I don’t…” Is all she gets out before I realize that each breath I take is more difficult than the previous one. She pauses and looks down at her hands as she clasps them together.

I’m a fucking idiot. Telling her that I love her should have been the last thing on my mind. She’s afraid of commitment, I can tell, and asking her to feel the same for me is asking too much. Beads of sweat develop on my forehead and trickle down my temples and into the corners of my eyes. The salty liquid burns as it follows my lower lid and is on the brink of bursting free.

“I understand.” I breathe out, standing with my back to her. Before speaking again, I force open my eyelids to try to fight back the tears from forming. “I’ll leave,” I utter and swallow back the heartache growing in my throat. I could be overemotional because I just lost my sister, but crying isn’t something I’m used to doing, and it’s definitely not something I like to do.

She slides her hand into mine, catching me off guard as she pulls me backward onto the couch beside her. She covers her mouth and nose as a small snort escapes.

“The hell you will.” She glares at me as she entwines our fingers. “Lucas, I didn’t mean I don’t feel the same.” She rolls her eyes as a quiet giggle passes her lips. “I was going to say I don’t know the right words to say, so I’ll steal yours. I’m forever lost in you, too.” Her voice cracks as she drops my hand and moves closer to my side. She brushes her knuckles along my mouth, dragging my lower lip downward and awakening every nerve ending inside my body. Her touch causes my breathing to increase and my body to stiffen like a brand new board. After she finishes, she moistens her lips, and I imagine them around the head of my dick. If I don’t touch her, I know I’m going to explode. I rest my arm on her luscious hip as she nuzzles her head below my chin.

Fighting the urge to take off what little clothing she has on, I sigh. After kissing the top of her head, I release the air in my lungs, along with the doubt that had consumed me a few minutes ago. When I inhale, I smell her perfume. I don’t know what kind it is, but it makes me crazy. It smells like honeysuckles on a warm summer day with a hint of the ocean as it crashes along the shore.

She traces the outline of my abs with her fingertips, causing me to moan unintentionally. Normally, it takes more than this to turn me on, but she has never been the one to initiate anything since we’ve been together. Hell, just being within twenty feet of her gets me hot.

Her breathing increases as her thumb brushes the edge of my pants. She looks up at me with fear in her eyes and mouths, “Sorry.” She then drops her gaze to the floor. After placing my fingers beneath her chin and bringing her head back up, I wet my chapped lips.

“Cassandra, please, don’t have any regrets when it comes to me.” A piece of her hair falls into her eyes, and I brush it behind her ear. “I’ve waited my whole life to meet you. I think I can wait to have sex, as long as you promise to never stop once we start.”

“I think you’ll be begging me to stop,” she timidly admits and kisses the back of my hand.

That’s something no man in his right mind would ever ask for, unless he is bat shit crazy. She yawns as she stretches out her legs on the couch. “I didn’t realize how tired I am.” she yawns again and then leans her head against my chest as she looks up, continuing, “until right now.”

Before speaking, I get lost momentarily in the depths of her soul-shattering blue eyes. I truly am lost in this woman. She is my forever and always, and I love her. I caress her arm, making my fingertips feel like I’ve just touched the sun. “Cassandra?” I ask, and she groans. “I should go home and let you sleep.” When I place my hand on the couch arm to steady myself to stand, she shakes her head against my chest.

“Will you stay?” She sticks out her bottom lip. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but I want to wake up next to you in the morning. If you’re still here, then I know I’m not dreaming.” She doesn’t know how long I’ve wanted to have her by my side. Not that I plan on telling her anytime soon. I may someday, but not today. I nod my head and smirk at her, knowing what I’m about to say sounds like a line.

“Lead the way to your dreams, Cricket.” I cover my mouth with my hand. I hope she doesn’t call me a greeting card again. A smile broadens across her face as she climbs from the couch and holds her hands out to me. I place my hands in hers after standing. She stands on her tiptoes and lightly brushes her lips along mine. Then, she places tender kisses down my neck to the collar of my shirt. I tighten the hold I have on her fingers, and she moans. “Love, if you keep this up, I’m not letting you go to sleep.”

She tosses her hair. “Lucas, as amazing as that sounds, I want to wait until a time when we both haven’t been drinking. Yet, when it comes to you, I don’t know how to stop.” She presses her body against mine, causing my pulse to quicken. I release her hands and place my arms around her waist, allowing my hands to rest on the small of her back. I’m afraid if I actually hold her, I won’t stop there.

As much as I don’t want her to be right, she is. I’m not drunk, but it is apparent I have been drinking, considering how open I have been with her. I don’t want to forget anything about our time together.

“And, I don’t want to either,” she admits breathlessly as her mouth crashes into mine. Her tongue teases as it lightly circles the tip of mine. She runs her hands up my chest and then holds the back of my neck. Each touch pulls me deeper into the moment. I truly am her puppet. My eyes remain shut. If I look at her, there will be absolutely no going back. After I release her lip, I can still feel the warmth of her breath against my skin as she stands before me. Every time the tantalizing heat touches my face, I find it harder to remember why it would be a good idea to wait to take her. She places her hands on my chest. “That was some kiss.”

We open our eyes at the same moment, and I whistle. “Yeah.” After winking, I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder, causing her to squeal. “C’mon, if I don’t put your ass to bed, I think I may be the one being fucked senseless.” I smack my other hand across her ass while walking. “Which room is yours?” I pause, looking at two closed wooden doors on either side of me.

“This one.” She hits the door on the left side of the hallway. After I turn the knob, she starts squirming. “Put me down, and I’ll give you the grand tour.” She may think I’m crazy, but I’m not letting her out of my arms until I have to. I like the view.

“Patience. When we get to your bed, I’ll let you loose. Then, you can give me the grand tour of you.” A muffled chuckle spurts out between my lips as I hold them together. The glow from the living room provides enough light for me to see where the bed is located. Both of us laugh as I lay her onto the comforter, and she pulls me down beside her.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” she teases as she pulls at the sheets, slides under them, and holds them up for me to get under.

“No!” I pull her back to my chest and wrap my arms around her.

“What?” she questions in a high tone. She tries to free herself from me, but I tighten my hold on her.

“Cassandra, I wouldn’t just like that.” I kiss her neck, and her body begins to relax. “I would love that. Now, let me get some sleep, woman.” I feel her smile against my arm as she places a kiss to my skin. The wetness left behind on my arm feels like it is going to push me over the edge of ecstasy. Immediately, I try to think of anything other than what I’m feeling.

Baseball…What was the score of the game today? Shit, score! This isn’t working!

“Hey! You’re the one who showed up at my house, remember?” She nudges me with her hip. Fuck! I think she is trying to kill me. One more movement like that and I’m done.

I rest my chin atop her head and mutter, “Mmm…hmm, it got me in bed with you, didn’t it?” I adjust the thin piece of cotton as I move around on her queen-sized bed, pulling her along. It isn’t as comfortable as my king-sized bed, but I’d sleep in a box on the streets of Manhattan as long as she was by my side.

“Your plan all along, I’m sure,” she quietly quips and then shoves my arm beneath her neck. “Damn, you make one lumpy pillow,” she jeers and then snorts after laughing.

Her sweet, little body seems like it was created to fit mine. Her body isn’t what I should be thinking about while trying to contain myself from jumping on top of her.
Dammit!
I’m trying to keep my hormones under control, but my body has its own plans. Trying to be sly, I readjust myself while I move my hand slowly between us.

“Umm, Lucas, what are you doing?” she drawls out each syllable while turning to look over her shoulder. Shit! Immediately, my heart starts pounding faster than a jackhammer on full blast. I jerk my hand upward, placing it onto the back of my neck and beginning to rub.

“I’m trying to be a gentleman.” My voice is so faint, I’m not even sure she can hear me. Twenty-four-years-old and my dick still has a mind of its own. Of course, I’ve never gone this long without sex since I lost my V-card.

She rolls onto her side so she is facing me. “Thank you,” she whispers and then softly kisses me.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for pleasing you, but what exactly are you thanking me for, again?” I run my hands through her hair and then down her neckline to her collarbone as I speak.

She looks at me and shyly says, “For being you.” Moving around, she tries to get comfortable. Again, she lays her head on me, but this time, her face is inches from mine. “I love you.” She wraps her arms around my neck and coyly smiles.

“I love you, too. Get some sleep.” After slowly nodding her head, she closes her eyes. Lying with her in my arms is more than I could ever wish for. It’s surreal. I never imagined such a small gesture could mean so much. If I had to relive every ounce of suffering I’ve endured just for this moment, I would. As she starts to drift to unconsciousness, her breathing evens, and her body relaxes. I watch her sleep until my eyes begin to burn, and my lids become heavy. There is no place I would rather be than here in the wings of an angel.