Just Breathe (Blue #1) (19 page)

Chapt
er 15

You were only a dream, something imagined

With each breath I took, you would make my world matter

I left you at arm’s length to prevent feeling damage

Afraid to let go and dive from the ladder

You caught me by surprise and pushed at my tether

So here I go to break through the panic

Watching the storm as I stand in the weather

It’s like ten thousand fireflies ablaze in our presence

My soul burns when we’re together

I’ll be by your side when the North Star crashes and clatters

Take me to the unknown and be my forever

I’ll give you my heart; that’s all I can manage

Every second that goes by gives you the advantage

My angel with broken wings cast from the Heavens

Cassandra

“Time to wake up, Sleepy Head.” Lucas grazes my arm, and then I feel him sit down on the bed beside me. I lie motionless, pretending to still be asleep. I’m almost certain it’s too early to be awake. “Come on. I need you to go somewhere with me today.” He chuckles as I squint my eyes tightly together and groan before throwing the covers over my head.

“Yuck, you’re one of those people, aren’t you?” Slowly, I open one eye and glare at him over the blanket.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He suppresses a smile by pressing his mouth firmly together and giving me an innocent look. After opening my other eye, I raise my arms and stretch my body as I yawn.

Faint sunbeams dance across the burgundy carpet of the room. Their dimness lets me know it’s way too early for my blood. “Mmm…hmm,” I complain while curling my toes and sitting up. “Did you already feed the chickens?” I arch a playful brow.

“What the hell? You have chickens?” He looks around the room, and then his eyes focus on my closet door.

My head falls back as I laugh. “Yes, I have chickens, and they live in my closet, of all places.” I look through my lashes, and my cheek muscles begin to ache from smiling so much. “I meant, judging by what little light is coming through the blinds, you must have risen with the birds.”

He rubs his hands down his face and then across the dark stubble on his chin before securing them behind his head. “I think you have a serious obsession with chickens.” He winks. “But, don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me,” he teases, but the sudden anguish that follows is apparent by creases forming on his forehead. The look on his face is the one people get right before they tell you something horrible.

Once I move closer to him, I lay my hand upon his knee. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” He unclasps his hands and runs his fingers through his hair. “Never mind.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I should get going.”

Before, I would have let him leave without questions. However, after last night, something inside me has changed. I feel confident, with a new outlook on things. It’s a strange sensation, something new, but long overdue. He rises from the bed, and I tighten my grasp on his leg.

“What the hell, Lucas?” He sits back down and sighs. “Whatever it is, trust me. I’m here.” I take his hands and rub small, soothing circles onto the backs with my thumbs, and his face relaxes a little. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? Don’t shut me out.” He releases a long breath while pulling me into his arms.

“I know it may be selfish of me, but I can’t handle this fucking day alone.” He rests his head upon my shoulder, and I trace his spine with my fingers. “Will you go to Amelia’s services with me?” he asks in a deep, sad voice, instantly knotting my stomach with anxiety.

His pulse is pounding alongside my neck. I’ve seen darkness in my life, but I’ve never felt so helpless. How do you fix such a beautiful, broken man? There are no words to heal the pain that death brings, so I don’t try to find them. The only thing I can do is be there for him. “Hey, you don’t have to. I’ll stay by your side.”

“Thank you, love.” He breathes out and caresses my neck with his mouth.

*****

After eating breakfast, Lucas leaves to get ready, and I do the same. I try and try, finally accepting that my body doesn’t want to dress today. How can I mentally prepare to be strong for someone else when I’m only learning to do it for myself? No matter the answer, I have to do it for him. I sit on the couch and decide to watch the local news before getting into the shower. Just as I cross my legs, someone unlocks the door, and it opens.

“Well, I’ll be damned. You do remember where you live,” I tease Dar as she flings open the door.

She looks exhausted. There are dark shadows beneath her eyes, and she looks thinner than normal. She doesn’t even respond with a witty comeback, which is not normally her. She just drops her duffle bag beside the door with a loud huff.

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea to stay there.” She trudges to the kitchen and opens the fridge, delving through the contents. “Talk to that man of yours. He practically held me prisoner, and I thought I was going to die of starvation!” she yells over the breakfast bar as she closes the refrigerator door. After walking in front of the television and blocking my view, she sucks in her stomach, making her ribs visible. “See! Starving, I tell you!” She tosses me some water.

I narrow my eyes in her direction and smirk. “I’m sure it was just absolutely devastating.” I unscrew the lid and palm it, wondering why she looks so horrid.

“It was! I missed your face, C-Dog, and I even stayed there after Hunter left.” I take a little sip of water and shake my head.

“First, what the hell? C-Dog,
really?
Don’t think you’re going to call me that!” For years, she has tried to give me a nickname, but nothing has ever stuck. I’m definitely not letting this one be the exception. “Second, where did Hunter go exactly?”

She laughs nervously. “Okay, whatever you say, C-Dog.” She plops down beside me, crossing her legs beneath her body. “And, as far as where he went, who cares? I sure as shit don’t. He can choke on one as far as I’m concerned.” Her voice is cold and full of hatred. Even though she is trying to act like Hunter being gone doesn’t bother her, I can tell it does.

“I see. So…I’m taking that as you two are over?” She cocks her head sideways and glares at me. I throw my hands up into the air and shrug my shoulders. “Well.” I scratch my head. “I’m going to take a shower.”

She nods without looking at me and continues watching the news. I’m not going to push her. She’ll talk about it when she’s ready—which I hope will be before my curiosity overwhelms me. Dar has a way of avoiding things when she puts her mind to it.

As I walk through the bathroom door, she yells down the hallway, “Hurry your ass up. I have to shower, too.” One bathroom just isn’t enough for two women. There should be some type of building code that states if two females inhabit a dwelling, the landlord is required to build another one. Mrs. Weatherbee wouldn’t do it anyway. I’m fairly certain she would tell them to take that ordinance and shove it up their ass.

As I am finishing my shower, the bathroom door flies open followed rapidly by the shower curtain.

“You’ll never guess who was on the news!” Dar practically yells. I secure a towel around my body and shake my head. She may be a lot of things, but considerate of other people’s modesty isn’t one of them.

I flip my head over and towel dry my hair. “Who?”

“Henry fucking Macintosh!” She leans her head down to gauge my reaction. “He’s actually pretty hot now. You should have jumped his bones when you had the chance.”

My body shudders. “Eww, really? Why was he on the news?” I truly want to know, even if hearing his name still makes me cringe. I still blame Dar for stealing my clothes the night we skinny-dipped, but she blames him.

“Apparently, he was fishing at Courier Lake and pulled in somebody’s head!”

“What?”

“A human skull. Damn.” She reaches onto the shelves above the toilet. “Here, clean your ears, because I know you heard me.” She drops not one, but a handful of Q-tips into my palm, sending my towel plummeting to the floor. “Anyhow, he contacted the ‘City Kitties,’ and they searched the bottom and found more human remains.”

When I shrug my shoulders, her mouth falls open. “It’s probably from the graveyard above. Don’t you remember? Last summer after it flooded there was a rockslide.” Knowing Dar, she probably doesn’t. Our power was out for a week because of the storm. She said it was a prime opportunity to lie around in our swimsuits and drink margaritas. After two, she gave up and started drinking the tequila straight from the bottle.

I roll my eyes. “Dar, it was all over the news. Numerous caskets were found, and some of them were open and missing the bodies. It’s hard to tell how many people are actually at the bottom of that lake.”

I step around her and close her mouth. She looks up at the ceiling and purses her lips together. “You do watch too much
CSI
, but this time, I think it’s paid off.” She nods her head toward the door, motioning for me to get ready. “You’re probably right.”

I put on my only black dress suitable for a funeral. It hangs mid-thigh and has a stretchy belt that latches near my belly button. Death is something I’ve not dealt with in my life. Mom is gone, but there is still that tiny bit of hope flickering in my soul that she isn’t dead. I hope I can be there for Lucas in whatever way he needs. I don’t exactly know what that entails, but I’ll try my best.

After applying the bare necessities of makeup— foundation, blush, and mascara— I glide on a thin layer of clear lip-gloss. Looking into the mirror, I decide it may be a little overboard with the shine factor for this occasion. Quickly, I wipe it off on the back of my hand and feel a bit of shame for being so lazy.

I could have walked into the bathroom and gotten a tissue, but honestly, I think I’ll be walking on eggshells around Dar for a while. Whenever something life-changing happens to her, she tends to act like a crazy person. Normally, she tries to shut off her emotions and not care about anything or anyone. Usually, the lack of interest is toward men.

When she found her goldfish belly-up a year ago, one would have thought she had lost her best friend. Her therapist said she was bordering on Dependent Personality Disorder, because she was impacted so severely by separation. The same doctor told me I had the same disorder. We both laughed about it later while she did some shopping therapy, and I found a new book. After that, we called her ‘Dr. DP,’ but when the therapist asked what it meant, Dar blurted out, “Double Penetration”. Even when she is at her worst, she can always make me laugh. It’s one of the many reasons why I love her so much.

After putting on my black heels, I sit on the couch and wait for Dar to get ready. I wish she would tell me what is going on with Hunter, but I know this is something she will insist on facing alone.

Dar runs past me in a towel from the bathroom to her bedroom. Then, like a flash of lightning, she is back in the living room fully dressed and twirling her keys on her finger.

“Cassie, baby, ya ready to go get this over with?” she asks, not giving up on the nickname thing. I roll my eyes and stand while smoothing the wrinkles from my dress.

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” I turn and grab my clutch from the coffee table and dig frantically through it, searching for my phone.

“Here.” Dar throws me my phone while shaking her head. “How did you ever survive without me?” She sticks out her tongue.

“No clue.” I giggle and drop my phone into my black leather clutch. “I’m assuming you know where we are going?”

“Hell no, Nate and Lucas are going to meet us outside. You can ride with him, and I guess I’ll give Nate a ride.” She smiles sheepishly and looks down at the ground. “If I have to…”

Lucas texts, letting me know they are sitting in the parking lot. I text him back to let him know we’ll be right down. He immediately sends a reply.

Lucas: Love you.

Me: Love you, too.

After locking the door behind us, I take in a deep breath and blow it out slowly when I see Lucas’ car. Meeting him truly has me thinking differently. The solitude I lived in before him was perfect. The walls I built around my heart were stone. However, since the day I met him, those walls have been crumbling. Until now, they surround my feet, leaving me bare to the world. Yet, somehow with him, I feel safe. I guess that’s what love is. In this very moment, I feel like I can take on the weight of the world with him at my side.

Chapte
r 16

I watch as the leaves turn, falling to the ground

They crumble, fade, and get kicked around

The earth consumes them, until nothing is left

Loving branches crook over grieving in death

Your life taken, the grim reaper’s theft

I’ll pretend you are sleeping

Just holding your breath

Stealing a distant star, as it sparks off your chest

When the sun crests and the moon cascades to bay

I will continue my lie, saying I’ll see you another day.

Lucas

Cassandra gets into my car and puts on her seat belt. Afterward, she shyly smiles at me, but her eyes give her away. “Hey, you,” she  softly greets me. She’s completely lost. I can tell she is trying to be strong. However, at any given moment, she might break, so I’ll be tough enough for both of us. After putting the car into gear, I take her hand in mine and drive with my left.

“Didn’t anybody ever tell you hay is for horses?” I wiggle my brows and glance at her through my peripherals.

She sticks out her lips and then rubs her chin. “You know, I think I did hear something like that before. But, I’ll let you in on a secret.” Her voice is a mere whisper and I find myself leaning toward her, trying to better hear her. “To quote
Gone with the Wind
: ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.’” She giggles, and all I can do is smile while shaking my head. I play it off with a shrug when she starts asking me if I’ve seen the movie and then tells me her favorite scenes. The truth is, it was Amelia’s favorite movie and still is Arya’s.

When Arya was two-years-old, I had to laugh at Amelia. She had let Arya watch that movie so much she was beginning to quote lines. Felix came home and tripped over a pair of shoes, landing on her favorite toy truck and breaking off one of the plastic wheels. Arya raced over, and Felix held his arms out to catch her, but she ran past him to the truck. She picked it up, and tears swelled in her eyes. As she put it to the ground, we all watched her to see what she was about to do next. She walked over to Felix, who then was sitting on the floor with his eyes on her. She cleared her throat, pointed her little finger at him, and said, “You ham Yankee!”

After she picked up the remains of her toy, she stomped off to her room. We all called each other ‘ham Yankees’ for many years after that day. My throat begins to tighten, and I swallow hard, trying to keep the tears at bay.

Momentarily, I forget we are going to lay my sister to rest. Nate and I are pallbearers. I know most people think it’s admirable to do so, but it creeps me out. Really, it feels like my insides are slowly being cut apart, just thinking about being one.
How can I place my sister into the ground and let them cover her with dirt? How can I say goodbye?

Although I could have gotten to the funeral home in ten minutes from Cassandra’s house, I take the scenic route. I know I can’t stop the inevitable, but I can postpone it a little longer. When Cassandra gets to the scene in the movie where they say ‘damn Yankee,’ I correct her with ‘ham Yankee’. She stops mid-sentence, arches a brow, and pokes her cheek out with her tongue.

“Did you say, ‘ham Yankee’?”

“I did.” I wipe my mouth on my shoulder, trying to keep my composure.

Mechanically, she nods her head and compresses her lips into a line. “You do know they say ‘damn Yankee,’ right?” She leans closer to me as she speaks.

I nod my head and smile at her.

“Okay, just as long as you know.” She affectionately accepts my answer without further questioning. Closing her eyes, she lays her head against my bicep. She smells so incredible and looks like an angel. I believe she has been honest with me, so I decide to tell her the truth about the movie and what it means to me.

She looks up at me and occasionally smiles while I tell the story and I know she can sense my anguish. Having her close calms my nerves. I believe there isn’t one other soul in the universe that can affect me as she does. Even when I feel like my blood has been replaced by the frigid waters of the Bearing Sea, she sets my heart aflame and thaws my emotions so that I can feel again.

She quietly hums a melody under her breath as she falls asleep.

*****

When we pull into the parking lot, I see Dartanya leaning on Nate’s car, tapping her foot. Before I can even put the gearshift into park, she is opening my door and hugging Cassandra.

“Don’t do that to me!” she shrieks, and I realize she’s been crying. Nate and JD are behind her, exchanging disgruntled looks.

Cassandra pats her on the back and yawns. “I’m sorry?”

“I thought you were right behind us, but we’ve been here for twenty minutes!” She releases Cassandra and straightens her back.

The look Cassandra gives me leaves no question that she doesn’t know what Dartanya is complaining about. Her eyes widen beneath her rising eyebrows, and her mouth falls agape. I almost expect her to vocalize the word “Ugh,” but she remains silent, leaving me to explain our delay.

“Dartanya, it was my fault. I took the long way to get here,” I reassure her, watching the creases on her forehead relax a bit.
Women! They freak out if they don’t see each other for thirty minutes!

Cassandra stretches her legs out the car door. “Well, if you’d get out of the way, I would get out.” She playfully kicks Dartanya’s leg, who does the same in return, but moves. JD and Nate move backward to give the girls room. They’re just as bewildered by the female population as I am.

After I put my keys into my pocket, Cassandra comes to stand by me. I release a deep breath and pull her to my side.

“Are you ready to see a grown man cry, Cricket?” We walk up the sidewalk leading to the funeral home. She puts her arm around my waist and looks up at me.

“Nope,” she quickly answers, walking ahead and reaching for the doorknob, but I grab it instead. I hold the door for Dartanya, JD, and Nate, but stop her when she tries to pull me inside. I turn to her and take her hands in mine, racking my brain for words to explain myself.

“Lucas, you may feel like that is what you would be doing. However, in situations like this…” She motions toward the building with her head. “You’re a little brother mourning his sister. It’s okay if you cry.” She rubs small circles on the backs of my hands. All this love stuff is new to me, and I never thought I could care for her more. Yet, somehow I do, and what I feel for her right now could stop my world from turning on its axis.

“I love you, Cassandra.” I place a swift kiss on the top of her head as she squeezes my hands.

“Me too.” She reaches for the knob once again, but hesitates. “Lucas?”

I turn my head in her direction. “Yeah?”

“You do know you can call me Cass, right?”

“Well, now I do. You told me to call you ‘Cassandra.’” She leans her head to the side.

“When?”

I cough, feeling emotional but unable to keep myself from saying the words, “The moment I knew my heart belonged to you.” She arches her brows and breathes out heavily. “When I told you I liked the way your name sounded coming out of my mouth.”

Her cheeks turn a light pink color, and she mouths, “Oh.”

“That same day I could see in your eyes that you wanted me, too.”

“You could not.” She nudges me with her shoulder as her cheeks return to their normal color.

“Shit, I could tell on Dartanya’s birthday we were both thinking the same thing.” She shakes her head while smiling.

“You were thinking you’re an egotistical asshole, too?” She moves her shoulders from side to side, teasing me. This brings a genuine smile to my face. All I can do is shake my head in astonishment while she continues, “Well, at least we agree on that fact,” She lifts my hand to her mouth and places a soft kiss on the back. “I love you, Lucas.”

After opening the door, I pull her along behind me. With each step, the distance between my sister’s casket and me is dwindling, but I think I’ll be able to stay somewhat calm as long as I have Cass with me.

I keep my vision away from where Amelia rests, unwilling to face the reality of her lying there just yet. The first thing I see is Felix rocking slightly back and forth while sitting in the front row, and I wonder where Arya is, because she isn’t with him. My eyes dart across the entire room, searching for her. A sickening feeling of panic washes through my body when I can’t find her. My grip tightens on Cass’ fingers, and she returns the gesture. Tiny droplets of perspiration begin to form inside my palm, and I’m finding it difficult to swallow. Our eyes meet, and she motions her head toward Felix.

My pulse quickens, and I can’t move quickly enough to find Arya. What if something is wrong? Being in such a hurry, I practically pull Cass along with me to see what she is trying to show me. She doesn’t complain as she quickens her pace to match mine.

Felix puts one finger in front of his mouth and looks down at Arya. She is safe, sleeping in his arms while soft noises leave her mouth. Instantly, my heart feels like it is back in my chest where it should be. I swallow hard and take a seat beside Felix. Cass sits in the chair next to me, crossing her legs and bouncing the one on top.

She slides a tissue into my hand, making me aware of the tears sliding down my cheek. After wiping away the bastards, I shamefully stuff the white piece of cotton into my shirt pocket. Everything appears hazy and in slow motion. People stop to pay their respects, but I don’t hear a word they say. The only things on which I can concentrate are Cass’ hand in mine and this damn depressing music. It sounds like someone put a cat inside an accordion, and it’s trying to escape.

The music stops, bringing me back to reality. I didn’t need to look up at the casket to know what it looked like. Amelia picked it out months ago. Knowing what it looks like doesn’t stop me from looking at the last place I will ever see my sister’s body. My eyes slowly float from the floor to the ivory case.

When I try to stand, my legs feel weak. Cass drops my hand and puts her arm around my back to steady me. Neither of us speaks. I can hear people whispering, but I don’t listen. Nothing they say will change this situation. So, why bother listening? Everyone here is grieving, just as I am. There are no words that will bring her back.

A small hand loops around my pinkie, and I look down at Arya. The peace across her face grounds me, but I’m unsure how at six she can handle this better than I can.

“Luke,” she whispers, and for the first time, I want to hear what someone here is saying. “It’s okay, remember?” She smiles, revealing she lost one of her front teeth. “Mommy said she had to go to Heaven to get her wings, so she could fly with the rest of God’s angels.” She shrugs her shoulders. “She said it wouldn’t be fair to stay here with wings, because it would make everyone jealous.” She pulls at my hand. “Come along, now.” She eagerly pulls at my finger, urging me forward.

Felix lifts Arya from the ground, and she lets go of my finger. They both lean down to kiss Amelia, and then Arya nods at me. Cass rubs circles onto my back with her hand, just like Amelia did when I got upset. We take the last few steps to her, and I can’t take my eyes away from her face. Although, I know it’s her, I refuse to accept this painted face belongs to her. She does look beautiful, but she isn’t moving, isn’t breathing. I want to lift her from this satin deathbed and tell her to wake up. The joke is over. Yet, the unsettling truth is, this isn’t a joke. She isn’t going to wake up, not now, not ever.

All my flesh feels like it’s on fire, and the room begins to spin. I rub my hand up and down my face, trying to feel something. Fuck, feeling anything at this point would be nice. I feel nothing. I’m numb. My vision tunnels to Amelia’s cold, lifeless body and spots of black appear sporadically when I blink my eyes.

Cass begins dragging me backward, and then before I know it, we’re outside. “Hey,” she says in an urgent tone and pushes me against the cold wall. “Lucas?” She cups my face in her hands and stares at me. Once our eyes meet, I snap out of it, and I feel like a dick. She looks terrified.

“Huh?” I mumble, slowly blinking my eyes. “I’m okay. Sorry.” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m good, really. I promise.”

“Fuck, I suck at this.” Her voice cracks, and I can tell she is fighting back tears. The anger seeps from each word that passes through her lips. She releases a slow breath and then grasps the necklace I gave her. She closes her eyes and tilts her head back. Slowly, she speaks each word, “I’m trying, Lucas.”

The first time I saw Cass, my mind couldn’t fathom how much we would mean to each other and definitely not that we would need each other. Yet, here we both stand on the verge of a mental breakdown. The only thing that is keeping us from jumping off the ledge is one another, and somehow knowing this comforts me.

“Did you forget to count fifty?” I try my best to lighten the mood by joking around. She opens her eyes and cocks her head to the side.

“Excuse me?” She profoundly looks at me, almost as if she is daring me to answer.

A raspy chuckle manages to make its way from my mouth, despite me trying not to laugh at her.

“What the hell is so funny?” She throws her hands up into the air. I use my legs to push off the cold slate and wrap my arms around her neck.