The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (28 page)

Therefore, if the husband will maintain a motionless position for about two minutes
immediately
after entrance, he will gain a degree of control that will retard his ejaculation. And if the wife will pinch his penis with her P.C. muscles during this motionless period, her emotional tension will build toward climax while his is dormant. Then, when her husband gains control of his ejaculation, they can begin the thrusting that will bring them both to climax.

It is also helpful if the husband avoids rough, forceful penetration and remembers that the first two to three inches inside the vagina constitute his wife’s primary sensitive area. Once the penis goes beyond that point, it can become uncomfortable to the wife rather than stimulating. Men have a tendency to think that deep thrusting is exciting to their wives because it is to them—but that is not generally true unless at the same time they use other more gentle motions that stimulate the wife’s clitoral area. Concentrating their motion closer to the opening of the vagina, then, has two advantages over deep penetration: it is more exciting to the wife and less exciting to the husband, further helping him to control his ejaculation while she builds toward orgasm.

One husband’s reaction to this suggestion is rather typical. “I thought it was essential for my penis to maintain a close contact with the clitoris.” Although the clitoris is the most sexually sensitive organ, the first three inches of the vagina contain sensitive tissue, and besides, that position continues the friction and pulling of structures against the clitoris. This method makes use of both sensitive areas together. Another advantage of this method is that when the husband realizes he is approaching his point of no return, he can easily slip his penis out momentarily, continue caressing the clitoris and in other ways petting his wife, then return the penis into her vagina after regaining his control. If he is deep-thrusting when the “no return” point is reached, the friction caused by withdrawal may trigger his ejaculation.

The concentration it takes to learn this technique—providing the husband with the degree of control he needs while at the same time building the wife’s tension through muscular vaginal pinching of the motionless penis—pays big dividends in mutual pleasure. Most men fail to remain motionless for two full minutes at that point of excitement. Once he is inside the vagina, a man’s instincts cry out for motion, but this drive must be resisted until he gains self-mastery. After the first motionless period, the husband can experiment as to how long subsequent pauses are needed to control ejaculation, but this technique can help him learn to resist his ejaculation almost indefinitely. During some tests men have claimed such self-mastery for over two hours, though this would almost never be necessary to please his wife.

In May 1994 a report given at the American Urological Association meeting in San Francisco indicated that some medical help may be available to retard ejaculation for men who have this problem. According to an article in
U.S. News and World Report
(June 26, 1995) in fifteen couples aged twenty-three to fifty-six, clomipramine delayed ejaculation as much as fivefold. If true, any man afflicted with the problem of premature ejaculation should consult his urologist.

19.
Retarded ejaculation.
The opposite of premature ejaculation, this problem confronts a man who has no difficulty maintaining a rigid penis, but cannot proceed to ejaculation. This is frustrating to both husband and wife. Although the wife of such a man has little trouble achieving an orgasm (some have as many as four or five in one session), she finishes the exercise worn out, and he is frustrated. This form of sexual failure can result from a number of things, two of which are fear of pregnancy, because of uncertainty about the birth-control measures used, and guilt induced by promiscuity prior to marriage. This problem is rare. When a man reaches his sixties or seventies, he may not ejaculate every time during intercourse, but doctors tell us this is normal. Both partners must understand this and simply enjoy each intercourse without feeling any pressure to force an orgasm every time.

The Cure for Retarded Ejaculation

No mechanical device or technique will cure the man who faces the problem of retarded ejaculation. Although quite rare, it is nevertheless a source of unhappiness to both the overwrought husband and his worn-out wife when, after an hour or two of intercourse, the husband cannot relieve his tension by ejaculation. Since this malady is caused by the mind, it must be cured there. Psychologists suggest that the problem is created by a subconscious resistance to giving his sperm to his wife. This can be a form of selfishness and probably indicates that the man is not generous in other areas of his marriage. If such is the case, he needs to repent of his selfishness and concentrate on the joy of giving pleasure to his wife instead of trying to gain it only for himself. Another cause of this problem could be a resentment toward women because of a bitter spirit toward his mother. The cure for this mental sin has already been suggested under guilt removal.

These nineteen factors are the main reasons for male impotence. Only occasionally is the problem caused by one of these factors singly, but it takes little imagination to understand how several of them occurring at once can create it. Before a man gives up on the blessing of sexual union that God intended him to enjoy most of his life, he should objectively examine his relationship; if he is suspicious that even one of these conditions exists, he should work toward its elimination.

Did you notice something missing in the above list? We said almost nothing about physical or biological causes. They are so rare that they are scarcely worth considering, even though they constitute the excuse most frequently given. Doctors, ministers, counselors, psychiatrists, and especially formerly impotent men believe that most impotence exists in the head—not in the glands! If the problem persists, however, see your doctor. Some men have developed a hormone deficiency that may cause impotence; it responds very well to male hormone shots, so it is well worth investigating.

Is There a Cure for Impotence?

Male impotence is not new, for it has doubtless plagued some men and their wives ever since the fall of man. However, the cure for this malady is new, primarily because today greater understanding and greater willingness to face the problem work wonders. No difficulty can be resolved without honesty and frankness. Having faced it with candor, we can then review the numerous potential cures and expect one of them to effect complete renewal. Naturally some work better than others, and the cure should be tailored to the cause.

The Remedy for Guilt

We have already seen that guilt, fear, anger, depression, and an unforgiving or bitter spirit can contribute to impotence. If any one of these is the cause, you should not seek relief through new methods or physiological techniques. Instead, turn to God through His Son Jesus Christ to gain the forgiveness He offers to sinners. The first step is to confess your sins in the name of Jesus Christ. First John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The next step is to walk under the control of His Spirit as a means of overcoming these negative emotions. This removes the roadblocks to emotional expression and will contribute greatly to satisfying love experiences with your spouse. Once you have resolved your spiritual problems, you are ready to find a cure for the others.

We have cited the remedies for each of the various causes of impotence. Study carefully those that particularly pertain to you and follow the corrective steps suggested.

Anticipate Success

In almost every case a man can guarantee a cure for his impotence if he changes his mental attitude toward the problem. Instead of thinking he is “the same as dead,” he needs to recognize that his experiences are basically normal and
will be overcome.
He should first consult with his doctor, who will probably give him a good physical examination. Once assured that nothing is organically wrong, he can more readily anticipate success. The expectation of accomplishment is absolutely essential! The man who considers himself impotent is going to remain impotent. The man who visualizes himself potent will be capable of performing well.

The next step is for a man to have an honest talk with his wife, sharing his problem with her. Most wives will be very understanding and cooperative. One man who “had not made love in five years” was amazed at his wife’s reaction. Having mistaken his disinterest as lack of love for her, she changed after their discussion from a nagging, insecure wife to a sexually stimulating partner. Men commonly underestimate their wives’ ability to accept such a problem maturely. Ignorance of the problem, however, does nothing but complicate matters.

What Can a Wife Do to Help?

Next to changing his own mental attitude toward impotence, a man can find in his wife the most powerful medicine available. Among other things, a wife can—

—Accept the problem as a challenge that takes two to overcome. She should never do or say anything to aggravate her husband’s sexual fears as previously outlined, suggesting that he is inadequate, inept, or undesirable. She must be careful about jokes or kidding that might accentuate his fears. Someone has sagely said in this regard, “A man’s sense of humor quits at his belt buckle.”

—Become sexually aggressive. For most of their marriage, a woman has expected her husband to “carry the ball”; now it is time for her to hurry onto the playing field and call some of the plays. If sexual inhibitions make it difficult for her or cause it to seem degrading, it is because she is more interested in herself than in her husband. Two things usually happen when a wife becomes more uninhibited in her sexual expression: she is transformed into a more exciting and stimulating partner to her husband, and she increases her own enjoyment in the relationship.

After a few months of marriage most lovemaking becomes much too routine. The partners begin the same way, assume the same positions, make the same sounds, and share the same experiences. It is time to get out of those ruts and become aggressive. What man will remain impotent who enters his bedroom to find the lights down low, soft music playing, an open bed, and a scantily clad wife whose every movement indicates her eagerness to get her hands on him? If you really want to turn him on, help unbutton his shirt and clothes. Let him sense your excitement. I know, some who read this will ask, “But isn’t that hypocritical?” Not at all! You may be accustomed to letting your inhibitions squelch your real desires and thus hardly know how to react naturally. That is worse hypocrisy, and you have probably been doing it for years. If you really love your husband, you will thoroughly enjoy the reaction you get from him. When you are aggressive toward him, he will interpret it to mean that you find him sexually attractive. And when he considers himself attractive to you, it is easier for him to believe in his sexual capability.

A loving, middle-aged wife whose husband had started to battle the problem of impotence noticed that when she was sexually aggressive, her husband had little trouble ejaculating. “However,” she admitted hesitantly, “even though I enjoy it, I feel guilty.” I explained that her guilt was misplaced; God approves such loving behavior. She responded, “But I didn’t think a lady would act that way.” To this I replied, “She wouldn’t—in church or in a parked car—but the sanctity of her own bedroom is quite different.” One of the advantages of my being a pastor as well as a counselor is that I can more easily dispel such unfounded cases of unnecessary guilt. A minister is often regarded as a spokesman for God—which he is if his words are based on biblical principles. In chapter 1 we dealt extensively with the matter of a woman’s sexuality; remember that 1 Corinthians 7:1–5 clearly says a husband’s body belongs to his wife. Accordingly, she can do with it as she wishes. That should certainly include exciting him sexually.

A thoughtful wife should keep in mind that a man tends to find a sexually passive wife somewhat demotivating, whereas he finds an aggressive wife terribly stimulating. More than one wife has discovered that she can arouse her husband by artfully stroking his skin and massaging his body, by very lightly touching his genital organs. Even the limp penis will often respond to a wife’s tender loving strokes, especially at the scrotum and inner thighs. Remember to use light, teasing, gentle caresses, which stimulate the imagination.

Probably the best service a wife can perform for an impotent husband is to concentrate on the vaginal exercises outlined in the previous chapter. Once he begins to encounter difficulty in maintaining an erection or ejaculating, he should not have to compound his problem with a wife who lacks strong vaginal muscles. He requires an increase of friction, not a decrease. When she develops these otherwise lazy muscles to such a point that she can crimp down on his penis once he is inside, she will greatly contribute toward keeping that organ hard. In addition, the increased friction can well be the “little bit extra” in their lovemaking that turns failure into success. As we have seen, a few successes will make him anticipate more of them, and when that happens he is practically cured.

Admittedly these efforts on a wife’s part in helping her husband overcome impotence will take concentration, hard work, and sometimes the adoption of a new role, but if she loves him, she will pay the price—and both will share the dividends.

The Husband Is the Key

No woman can cure her husband’s impotence alone. She can provide assistance, as indicated above, but this is uniquely a male crisis that he can resolve only through earnest effort. Here are some things a husband can do in addition to those previously mentioned: