Authors: Stephen Karam
The Humans (3 page)
BRIGID
. . . yeah, and he's been keeping
me
up while he tries to unravel their meaning.
DEIRDRE
Why's he doing that?
BRIGID
He took
one
psychology course last year and suddenly he's an armchair psychiatrist.
RICHARD
    Â
(Calling up)
I took
two
psychology courses!
BRIGID | DEIRDRE |
[One.] | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | Hey there, Rich! . . . |
RICHARD | ERIK |
     |  |
Hey, I'll be up in a minute! . . . | Bridgeâhey . . . I keep noticing |
 | a lottaâyou guys gotta caulk |
 | all along the molding down |
 | there . . . / there's big gaps |
 | there . . . |
BRIGID
Thanks, okay, Repairman, thank you, but can you at least . . . someone needs to say something about my big window. No one has said anything about my big window . . .
DEIRDRE
    Â
(Aside, to Erik)
I love seeing her this excited, don't you love / seeing her this excited?
ERIK
Yeah, I do, we don't have to talk about it.
Brigid walks into the area near the spiral staircase, searches for something amidst the boxes.
RICHARD
    Â
(Calling up)
Honey, bring down the napkins, okay?
UPSTAIRS | BRIGID |
Unseen by Brigid, Deirdre | Richard, what are you yelling |
and Erik confer about | at me? |
something in the hallway | RICHARD |
or next room. | I said: bring down the napkins |
 | please! |
They are audible-but- | BRIGID |
not-decipherable. | Yeah, Richard, or you can get them yourself. |
The tail end of their conversation: | Â |
 | RICHARD |
DEIRDRE | Do you / want me toâ |
     |  |
Okay, but / . . . if you waitâ | BRIGID |
okay, I just don't wantâ | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | No I got them, sorry . . . |
ERIK
    Â
(Audible-but-not-decipherable)
Heyâgimme some space, I will . . . I willâ
Brigid hears the tail end of Deirdre's private discussion with Erik.
Aimee exits the bathroom.
BRIGID
You guys better not be dissing my homeâdo you even get how special a place like this is? No New Yorkers have duplex apartments.
AIMEE
Except for the thousands of New Yorkers who have duplex apartmentsâ
BRIGID
I
knew
you were gonna / say thatâ
AIMEE
Oh come on, I love it . . . / it's amazing . . .
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
We all love it . . . | Me too, but . . . why are there |
 | bars on the window? Is the |
 | neighborhood dangerous? |
BRIGID | AIMEE |
No that's standard for a | Â Â Â Â Â |
ground-floor apartmentâ | Mom, no . . . |
BRIGID
. . . after a while you don't even notice themâ
DEIRDRE
Yeah, you don't notice them 'cause there's no sunlight in here . . . / it's like a cave . . .
BRIGID
Mom . . .
ERIK
    Â
(Looking out the window)
Hey, who's walking around out there?
BRIGID
Uh, must be the super, he's the only one who has access.
ERIK
No, she's got gray hair?
BRIGID
    Â
(Looking outside)
Lemme see . . . where?
Erik looks back out the window; this time he sees nothing.
ERIK
She went inside, I guess . . .
Brigid moves away from the window.
BRIGID
Probably the super's wife, I haven't met her yet.
    Â
(To Erik, who is still staring out the window)
Hey, Detective . . . sit down and relax.
DEIRDRE
I wish you had more of a viewâ
BRIGID
Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
What?âit's an alley full of cigarette buttsâ
BRIGID
It's an
interior courtyard
. . . / not aâ
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
Oh, excuse me . . . | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | Well hey now, Fancy . . . |
 | perhaps we should all take a |
 | stroll in the interior courtyard |
 | after dinner. |
Brigid sighs, she knows she can't win.
BRIGID
Okay, yes, it's gross smokers use the alley as their ashtray, but . . . you don't think this place has potential?
ERIK
I think if you moved to Pennsylvania your quality of life would shoot up.
BRIGID
Uh, if I moved to Pennsylvania,
your
quality of life would shoot up / tremendouslyâ
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
Oh yeah? What makes you | Â Â Â Â Â |
think we like you so much? | Don't flatter yourself, Lady . . . |
BRIGID
You drove in from Scranton in the snowâ
ERIK
The roads are all plowedâ
BRIGID
âand you
hate
driving into the city . . .
Brigid hugs Erik. Deirdre recognizes a box.
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
I don't hate it . . . | Is this ourâBridge, you didn't |
 | even |
BRIGID
I'm not opening
anything
until the moving truck gets hereâ
ERIK
Is it in transit or / is it stillâ
BRIGID
No, no it's still stuck in QueensâRich knows the details, butânow with the parade traffic, they won't guarantee their mechanic'll fix it before tomorrow . . .
Brigid finds what she has been looking for: a bag with several wrapped objects.
AIMEE
What's all that?
BRIGID
    Â
(Handing out the wrapped packages)
You guys went out of your way to get here, / so . . . open . . .
DEIRDRE
What is it? . . .
BRIGID
Open, open . . .
AIMEE | DEIRDRE |
What did you get us? | Thank you . . . Erik don't |
 | [throw your wrapping away]â |
 | I wanna save the wrapping . . . |
They each unwrap a framed photo.
ERIK
Oh man . . .
AIMEE | DEIRDRE |
You gotta be kidding me . . . | Oh God . . . |
Aimee laughs.
ERIK
Wow . . .
BRIGID
Found it when I was packing.
DEIRDRE
. . . oh man . . . were we ever this young? . . . look how
young
you are, Aimee . . .
AIMEE
I'm an elephant in this photo . . .
DEIRDRE | BRIGID |
You're beautiful. | No . . . |
AIMEE
. . . and I'm holding a funnel cake . . . I can't even blame genetics . . .
ERIK
This is gold, Brigid, / thanks. Check it out, Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
It really is, honey . . . thank you.
AIMEE
I am a
planet
in this photo.
DEIRDRE | ERIK |
Stop it, I'm bigger than you . . . | You look beautiful. |
DEIRDRE
I miss Wildwood . . .
BRIGID | ERIK |
Go back, take a vacation . . . | Oh man, that boardwalk . . . |
DEIRDRE
Talk to this one, he hates travelingâ
ERIK
I do not / hate travelingâ
BRIGID
You hate traveling to New Yorkâ
ERIK
I do not hate traveling to New / York, no, no, I don't . . .
DEIRDRE | AIMEE |
Yes you do! | Okay, that's a lie. |
ERIK
. . . I
hate
that you're moving a few blocks from where two towers got blown up and in a major flood zone . . . / I hate
that
. . .
BRIGID
This area is safeâ
ERIK
Chinatown
flooded
during the last hurricaneâ / it floodedâ
BRIGID
Yeah, that's why I can afford to live hereâit's not like you gave me any money to help me out.
ERIK | BRIGID |
Wow . . . | Hey, I'mâsorry, just . . . |
 | Chinatown is safeâ / you saw |
 | my block, Dadâ |
DEIRDRE
Of course it is . . .
BRIGID
âno one's gonna steer a plane into a, a fish market on Grand Streetâ
AIMEE | DEIRDRE |
Brigid . . . | Let it go . . . |
ERIK
I liked you living in Queens, all right? I worry enough with Aimee on the top floor of the Cira Centreâ
AIMEE
Well stop, Philly is more stable than New Yorkâ
BRIGID
Aimee, don't / make him moreâ
AIMEE
I'm just sayingâit's safer . . .
BRIGID
Yeah, 'cause not even terrorists wanna spend time in Philly, / Philly is awfulâ
AIMEE
Oh, ha ha . . .
ERIK
You think everything's awful, you think
Scranton
is awful, / but it's the place thatâ
BRIGID | AIMEE |
We | Dad, it is! |
ERIK
    Â
(Their amusement forces him to smile)
. . . yeah, well what
I
think's funny is how you guys, you move to big cities and trash Scranton, when Momo almost killed herself getting outta New Yorkâshe didn't have a real toilet in this city, and now her granddaughter moves right back to the place / she struggled to escape . . .
BRIGID
We know, yes . . . “return to the slums” . . .
DEIRDRE
It's not the slums anymore . . .