Authors: Stephen Karam
The Humans (8 page)
AIMEE
    Â
(Successfully fighting back tears)
. . . huh, uh-huh . . . well maybe your therapist is right . . .
. . . mm-hm . . .
. . . just, the holidays feel . . .
wrong
, without us at leastâ[talking] . . .
âno, I respect that . . .
. . . yeah . . . well look, love to all yourâ
. . . you too . . .
I will, I'll tell them . . .
okay, you too . . . bye . . .
Aimee hangs up. Erik knocks on the entryway.
ERIK
Hey . . .
Aimee cries, unable to hold it in. Erik holds her.
AIMEE
Ugh . . . I miss her . . .
ERIK
Hey . . .
AIMEE
. . . all the time . . .
ERIK
. . . we know . . .
DOWNSTAIRS
:
Brigid brings Deirdre and Momo a new Ensure shake with a freshly rinsed straw. But Momo is now half-asleep.
DEIRDRE
We'll try later, she's gonna sleep for a bit I bet . . .
Deirdre adjusts Momo's head, maybe with a memory-foam travel pillow they always take with them. Brigid returns the shake to the kitchen. Richard abandons dinner preparations and emerges from the kitchen alley with a bottle of wine.
RICHARD | AIMEE |
     | Gimme a sec . . . |
May I . . . | Â |
DEIRDRE
Thanks, yeah . . .
BRIGID | UPSTAIRS |
I wish you knew her before | Â |
she got sick, Rich . . . | Aimee breaks her embrace with |
 | Erik. She goes to the bathroom |
 | to get some toilet paper to wipe |
DEIRDRE | her nose/dry her tears. |
She was something, she refused | Â |
to quit driving, Rich, | Â |
but . . . six years ago?, Erik | Â |
couldn't bring himself to take | Â |
the keys from her, so he got | Â |
her to take a driver's exam so | Â |
the decision wouldn't be on | Â |
him, and part of the test isâ | Â |
DEIRDRE | UPSTAIRS |
they show her a picture of a | Erik uses the moment alone |
“yield” sign, but without the | to wander down the hallway |
word “yield” on it . . . well | and stretch out his lower back, |
she can't name it, so she goes | which is bothering him. |
to the guy: “I dunno know | Â |
what this sign's called but | Â |
I know what it means.” And | Â |
the poor guy giving the test, | Â |
he's like: “Well then what | Â |
would you do if you came | Â |
across this sign on the road?” | Â |
And God love her, she cannot | Â |
come up with the answer, but | Â |
enough of her's still there | Â |
that she goes to him, really | Â |
pissed off: “Trust me, I'd | He eventually is drawn back |
know what to do if I was | to the window, inspects the |
driving.” So by this point the | alley. He stares out the window, |
guy's clearly humoring her, | rubbing his lower back. |
he says: “Then just tell me | Â |
what you'd do if you were | Â |
driving and pulled up to this | Â |
sign.” And she goes: “I'd see | Â |
what everyone else was doing; | Â |
then I'd do that.” | Â |
Richard smiles.
BRIGID
Where're you at with the whole . . . nursing home discussion? . . .
DEIRDRE
Mom'sâas long as Uncle John can watch her weekdays, we're fineâ
BRIGID | RICHARD |
I want you guys to [take care | I love thatâoh . . . I was just |
of yourselves]â | gonna say I love that you and |
 | Erik both call her “Mom.” |
DEIRDRE
Well, that's what she is to me, that's what's special about marriage, Rich,
real
marriage . . . you get two families.
BRIGID
    Â
(“Give it a rest, Mom . . .”)
Okay . . .
RICHARD
I'm very committed to Brigid.
UPSTAIRS
:
Aimee exits the bathroom, spies Erik rubbing his lower back.
AIMEE
Hey . . .
DEIRDRE
I'm glad, that's good . . .
AIMEE
Big Guy, how's your back? . . .
ERIK
How's my back?, how's
your
back?
AIMEE
[That's a great point, Dad], you doing your exercises?
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
Yeah, yeah . . . | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | No more for me, Rich, I'm good . . . |
DOWNSTAIRS
:
Momo dozes off on the couch.
BRIGID
So it's okay if she sleeps here?
ERIK
    Â
(Rubbing Aimee's back)
You'll find someone new . . .
DEIRDRE
Oh yeah, the meds she's onâshe gets in three good naps a day / . . . where's herâdo you mind looking for her blanket?
Deirdre helps adjust Momo on the couch. Brigid goes in search of the blanket.
ERIK
I mean it, hey, I'm serious, you're gonna find someone newâ
AIMEE
Not with
history
. . . how can I [find]âCarol knew me with
acne
. . . she helped me with my law school application . . .
ERIK
You're gonna come outta this stronger, / I promise.
AIMEE
Stop, Dad, stop lying to me.
    Â
(Beat)
Don't
actually
stop / keep saying things to me . . .
ERIK
Whattya want me to . . . Momo'd . . . when I'd skin my knee or have any kinda setback, Momo'd say . . . “This, too, shall pass,” / and I'd roll my eyes at her, but . . . this'll pass, it will . . .
BRIGID
Here it is . . .
DEIRDRE
Thanks . . . there we go . . .
RICHARD | AIMEE |
     | Ugh . . . I need some more . . . |
So turkey's out . . . I won't | bathroom time, I'll be down, |
carve until we're all down | okay? |
here, yeah? | Â |
ERIK
Yeah . . .
BRIGID
    Â
(Calling upstairs)
Dad! Aimee!
UPSTAIRS
:
Aimee returns to the bathroom. Erik heads for the stairs.
DEIRDRE
    Â
(Lovingly setting up Momo on the couch)
She's calm now, Rich, but . . . manâwhen she has a fit, it's like watching her turn into someone else, you know? . . .
RICHARD
Can I help you get her [situated] . . . ?â
DEIRDRE
Yeah, just, lift her feet there . . .
Richard moves her feet into a more comfortable position. Erik is on his way downstairs.
ERIK
Get your hands off of my mother, / you bastard!â
RICHARD | BRIGID |
Oh my God I was justâ | Dadâstopâ |
 |      |
 | âhe's teasing you . . . |
ERIK
    Â
(Smiling)
The Lions are up ten.
BRIGID
Your sense of humor is terrible.
DEIRDRE
Have you guys noticed that
everyone's
sense of humor is terrible except for Brigid's? / How interesting . . .
ERIK | RICHARD |
Score one for Mom! | Amen, yes . . . |
DEIRDRE | BRIGID |
How's Aimee? | Not funny. |
ERIK
Give her five minutes, she's okay . . .
    Â
(Deirdre isn't convinced)
. . . she's okay . . .
DEIRDRE
I was telling Rich, before we got her on these new meds . . . you coulda put some of her worst outbursts in a horror flick.
ERIK
Brigid's? / I agree . . .
BRIGID
Dad!
Richard finds this joke pretty funny. Brigid laughs too.
DEIRDRE
. . . I'm serious, I keep seeing ads for that zombie show on TV . . . it's awful, but it makes me think of / Mom's worst [tantrums]â
ERIK
Yeah, but we're doing okay, right? We're okay . . .
DEIRDRE
Yeah, with the help of God, yeah . . .
    Â
(Small beat)
. . . [I] can't believe people wanna watch that stuff at night / when there'sâ
BRIGID
She hates anything with blood or goreâ
DEIRDRE
âyeah, well there's enough going on in the real world to give me the creeps, / I don't need any more . . .
RICHARD
That's likeâI bet she'd appreciateâthere's this comic book called
Quasar
. . . I was obsessed with it as a kid, / it's about thisâ
BRIGID
You're
still
obsessed with /
Quasar
, he won't throw them out . . .
RICHARD
Yes I am, be quietâit's about this species of like half-alien, half-demon-creatures with teeth on their backsâ
BRIGID | RICHARD |
Oh my God . . . just call | âbut on their planetâ |
them monstersâ | Â |
RICHARD
âon their planet, the scary stories they tell each other . . . they're all about us. The horror stories for the monsters are all about humans. / I love that . . .
BRIGID | DEIRDRE |
     |      |
Thank God he's in grad school. | Yeah, no it makes sense . . . you should meet my boss . . . no teeth on his back, but man . . . |
BRIGID
But monsters aren't
scared
of us, / so why wouldâ
RICHARD
Sure they are, it's always a man driving a stake through the heart of the vampireâor if you're a zombie, you eat people but your biggest threat is what?âgetting killed by an enterprising human, / right?
DEIRDRE
I get it, Rich . . .
BRIGID
They'd be more scared by monster-eating-monsters or something, am I right?
ERIK
Monsters aren't real so it's a weird thing to wanna be right about.