The Lonely (22 page)

I
stand on my tiptoes and press my mouth to his. It’s soft and sweet. I whisper
into his lips, "It was nice seeing you Eli." I step back and walk
away. He doesn’t say anything. I cross the street and try to not have a panic
attack about the fact that I have semen between my thighs, running down them,
in a cotton dress. In the snow.

"I
hate winter." I mutter and knock on the steamy windows of the car.

Stuart
leaps out quickly. He blushes and looks at me. His mouth breaks into a grin. I
roll my eyes and climb in.

"Was
he mean to you?" Shell asks still looking pissed.

I
laugh. I don’t know how to answer the question without actually saying, I asked
for it. So I don’t look at her. She'll know and start squealing or kill him.
Either way I don’t want to deal with it.

I
pace her office, Looking out the window, "Does the winter ever end
here?"

She
chuckles and sips her water, "It does, in the spring. We have four full
seasons here. It's lovely."

I
look back at her and sigh, "If you say so."

"Sarah,
I want to talk about them. I want to know what you're wiling to give
into."

I
bite my lip and cross my arms, wrapping them around me. I swallow and nod,
"My birthday. I turn twenty. I think I can do it."

She
nods, "I agree. I think you can too. I just need you to hear you say it
all aloud. What's holding you back?"

My
nostrils flare, "What if they have an idea of what I should be and I'm
not?" She doesn’t know about the darkness. She doesn’t know how much I
liked being tortured by Eli or my desires that are attached to his spankings
and fingers.

"You
were their child. They gave birth to you and raised you for nearly three years.
You were their baby. They will love you no matter what has happened to you and no
matter the outcomes of those situations."

I
hear her words. I honestly do. But I cannot force myself to believe.

"How
do I let them in?" I whisper.

"Slowly.
The first time you meet them cut it short after a couple hours, or even an
hour. Then the next time a few more hours and slowly get there. If this were an
adoption you would have dates where you meet and then get used to each other.
But it isn’t. These are your people. They already love you. You just need to
remember.

I
glance back out the window and wish for the nerves and expectations I've placed
on myself to go away.

"Have
you seen Mr. Adams?"

I
try to hear in her tone whether she thinks I have seen him or not.

I
narrow my eyes but don’t turn around, "No." I don’t know what to say.
I don’t want to talk about the fact I'm dying to see him and let him hurt me
and do dirty things to me. I don’t need that sentence to be released in a room
with this much light and judgment in it.

"Is
he texting you?"

I
glance back and nod, "Of course. You know what he's like." He is
texting me. Nonstop. He's driving me insane with it.

Her
stare is uncomfortable but I hold it. She is searching me for something. I hate
being evaluated.

I
cross the room, "Thanks doc."

In
the elevator I can't help but pray he's standing at the bottom like last time.

I'm
disappointed he isn’t when I get to the main floor and go out to the car.

When
I get back to my room I sit and stare at the phone. I don’t know what to say to
him. I imagine he feels the same. Shell doesn’t seem to suspect. I'm glad I
never told her. I don’t know how to say that I needed him. I needed something.
He made the touching and feeling, a good thing. It was dirty in a way I
allowed. Like I controlled the filth that was all over me.

"So,
are you phoning Sebastian or am I?" She leans in the doorway.

I
glance up and smile, "He's picking me up in an hour." Something I am
actually dreading. It's my way of forcing myself to move on and be the girl I
want to be.

"Birthday
plans?" She closes the door and pulls off her coat.

My
phone vibrates. I glance at it and blush,
'Hi
.'

I
shake my head and look back at her, "I have something I need to talk to
you about my birthday actually." I take a deep breath, "I want to
meet them on my birthday and I want you to come with me. I need you."

I
glance up at her mouth-agape stare. I nod.

She
sits on the end of the bed, "You want to meet them? You only found out
your birthday was coming up like a few weeks ago and you already want to meet
them?"

I
nod again.

"How?
Go to Chicago?"

I
shake my head, "Eli will take care of it."

She
reaches forward, "I'm so excited and proud of you. That's awesome."

I
blush, "Thanks. I'm scared, like shit my pants scared, but I need this. I
need the New Leaf to include them. I just want it to all be real and done. I
have a family."

She
laughs, "You have a family. Well you always had mine, but now our family
is bigger."

My
phone vibrates again.

My
cheeks light up, burning from the heat in them. I lick my lips and glance at
the text.

'Hi.
'

He
keeps sending it. He wants to talk but doesn’t say anything. A grin creeps
across my lips when I think about his fingers and the handle of the elevator.
My breath is uneven when my mind fills with the distorted image of us in the
brushed stainless steel of the elevator wall.

"So
is Eli going to fly them over on the company jet?"

I
laugh and blush and trace my fingers over his constant '
Hi's'
. "I don’t know. Maybe. I guess."

Shell
is still staring at me. "Did you have sex with him?

I'm
pulled out of my mind. It takes me a second to realize I'm blushing and
sweating. I swallow and shake my head.

She
sits on the bed and lifts my face, "Did you have sex? We are talking about
your family and you are blushing and sweating? Dude?"

The
smile that crosses my lips is humiliating with its complete control of my face.
"It's not what you think." Boy oh boy, is it not. She couldn't even
come close to comprehending.

I
bite my lip and look up at her through my lashes. She looks like she's
stalling, processing.

My
phone vibrates. I grin harder, which doesn’t seem possible.

I
catch the,
'Hi.
'

She
is pointing at the phone and stuttering, "T-t-the night we went there,
y-y-you and him…you went upstairs and…oh my god." Her fingers are resting
on her lips. My phone vibrates. I laugh.

"I
thought you would tease him and make him like you and make him suffer with that
cute dress and the lip gloss. I didn’t think you would just give it all up. Not
to him." A disgusted look crosses her face, "Him? He isn’t worthy of
something like that! He paddled your feet!"

I
can't explain it. Nor can I believe the image of the paddling was what gave me
the orgasm. I shake my head blankly and l clutch the phone, "It's like you
said. We're both so screwed up. We fit."

Her
face is slowly becoming more horrified, "Has he called you? Has he tried
to see you since?"

I
sigh, "No. Just texting me."

She
sits back, "You gave him that, your virginity and he hasn’t called?"

I
shove my feelings down my throat, choking on them, "It isn’t what you
think. You can't understand."

"You've
been the queen of walls and barriers and the words NO and you GAVE it to him?
No work? No dinner and a movie? To say the least he owes you that?"

I
snap, "He's paying my tuition and yours and everything else. I think he
bought me dinner already."

Her
nose wrinkles and I can tell it's involuntary, "So you're working for your
meals now?"

The
emptiness creeps up inside of me, "I guess so. Yours too." I get up
and grab my coat and walk out. I never believed she would understand but I also
never imagined she would call me a whore. My boots hit the stairs with near
violence.

"Em,
wait. Sarah. Shit." She calls after me. I pound the stairs, pulling on my
coat and mitts. She grabs my coat and pulls. I jerk free and step out into the
snowstorm.

"Sarah."
I stop. I like it when she says my name. I turn. Tears are streaming down her
cheeks. She shakes her head, "I had no right."

I
shout, "No. No you didn’t. You've slept with a dozen guys. You've had sex
in like seven states." A guy walks past us. He nods at Michelle. She
scowls and grabs my arm, dragging me to the path. We stand under the street
lamp.

"Dude."

I
shake my head, "No. You don’t have any right to judge me for anything. I
have had sex once, with a guy I technically have known my whole life. I am
trying, desperately, to get something formed out in my head. So I can
understand sex and sexuality and desire. Without the lonely coming and taking
it all back." I hold my fingers up to make an inch, "I am this close
to losing it all and ending up in a ball in the snow. I am on the edge of
something and it's going to be amazing or horrid, but either way I am free of
the disgusting feelings I've had. For now. And I'm meeting my parents. I might
have brothers and sisters I don’t remember. I have normal right there waiting
for me and I can't get past this guy who is dark and scary, but I like it. Do
you know how screwed up I feel? It's worse now."

She
sniffles and wraps her arms around me. She's shivering and clutching me.

"You're
right, I don’t understand and I know I never will. Dude, I'm super sorry. I'm
excited about your birthday, really excited."

I
hug her back, "It's okay. I'm sorry I said you had sex with like a dozen
guys in like seven states and shit."

She
laughs into my hair, "It's true. We are taking you to the doctor tomorrow.
You need to go on the pill."

I
grimace, "Oh god. I never even thought."

She
shakes her head, "You're probably fine but I'm going to give you a pack of
my pills to start taking tonight, cause dude. No wants to be that college
girl."

I
laughed, "Ok."

She
pulls back, "This is so weird. I never imagined we'd be having the safe
sex talk. I've just always had you one-way, I need to change my mind about you.
I need to see Sarah."

That
hurts me in a good way. I feel my eyes water, "Thanks."

She
kisses my lips softly and grips my face, "I love you."

I
nod, "Me too dude."

A
man's voice interrupts us, "Are you cheating on me already?" I glance
up at Sebastian on the path to Speare Hall. I laugh and squeeze Michelle's
hand. She whispers, "We cool?"

"Always.
See ya in a bit."

"Text
me lots k." I nod and pull away. She grins, "You crazy kids have
fun." She crosses her thin arms and wipes her eyes, "Damn snow always
makes me cry. Don't let me forget to get that stuff for you either,
Sarah." She emphasizes my name and makes me feel awkward.

I
laugh nervously. Sebastian looks confused and slightly frightened.

"Hey."
I say and can't stop myself from feeling weird around him.

He
takes my mitt in his and pulls me along the path gently, "Hey."

I
tug on his hand and shake my hand, "We need to talk first."

He
nods and looks up and the snow falling on us, "Can we just get out of the
snow?"

I
shake my head, "No. I need to say this now. Before."

He
looks worried. His eyes are dark-brown, the hazel is gone. "Okay."
His voice is hesitant.

I
look at him and shake my head, my teenage hormones are losing me. He smells
good. I step back and point to the path, "Can we just walk?"

He
nods. He looks terrified. I hate it.

"So,
I know Shell told you some of the stuff that was going on, but she didn’t tell
you everything." I look back at the dorms, "She didn’t know
everything."

He
gulps.

I
wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes, "I was taken when I was
two." The story finds its way out of me, in an efficient and tidy way. I
leave out the torture and some of the obvious horrors. They are like rocks I
don’t want to lift and look under. The creepy things that live under them will
crawl out and chase me around.

I
don’t look at him.

I
look at the snow or the cars driving by or the building behind him.

I
finish talking and shiver. My face is frozen, my hair is soaked from the snow.
I tremble, part hypothermia and part anxiety.