Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (15 page)

1. What is the current season of your marriage?

2. What are the expectations and entitlements that remain unfulfilled in your marriage? Examine your list. Determine to see them in the light of God’s purpose. Begin to pray this week that the Lord will help you release any bitterness you have in your heart. Write a quick prayer right now.

3. Look up Psalm 139:23-24. How does this Scripture apply to your marriage?

4. In this chapter, my friend Marian shares the way she prays through forgiveness. What is one area of unforgiveness that you will work through using this process? Write down the date and a commitment to Christ to see this process through to its conclusion.

5. Can you remember a time you had a front-row seat to watch something God was doing? Describe what happened.

6. What is God’s calling for your future?

Jesus, from this day forward, change my heart to see the miraculous around me. Help me to release the expectations and entitlements I have held tightly in my grip and rejoice in the things I have that are of lasting importance, such as my husband, my children, my family and the kingdom of God. Lord, reveal the areas of unforgiveness that are holding me hostage to pain. I release them to You and ask that You place a balm of healing over those scars. Father, when I am hurt in the future, be my protector and give me the grace to release all bitterness before it gets stored in my heart. Jesus, I long to sit in the front row and watch You perform miracles in the life of my husband. Let me be a prayerful participant, and I thank You now for the work You are already doing to bring about my spouse’s salvation. Jesus, You are the reason I live and breathe. I praise You. I worship You. I will live my life for You. In Your name I pray all these things, amen
.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms
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EPHESIANS 6:10-12

If you are like me, you most likely get pulled in multiple directions on a daily basis. Interruptions abound, and your self-identity is as apparent and flittering as the steam on the bathroom mirror. That’s if you even got a shower today. You’re a mother, a wife, an administrative assistant, a maid, a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker. Your job changes according to what time of day it is.

So often our lives become more about what’s going wrong than what’s going right. How can it not when we are barraged moment to moment by the same circumstances or new ones compounding the old? By the end of the day, our brains feel like a battlefield and our hearts have the holes to show the direct hits we’ve taken.

We wonder how much longer we can continue. What would happen if we just stopped? Or maybe we stand somewhere, staring off into space, having one of those “Christmas Story” daydreams where our family falls weeping at our feet when they realize that our current death sentence is due to their lack of help, understanding and appreciation. I did this very thing as I emptied the dryer late one night.

During this briefest of pity parties, I realized it was time to step back, retreat and find shelter in the only One who can bring relief to war-weary hearts and restore strength for the next battle. And to do all this, I needed armor:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Eph. 6:12-17).

There are actually two parts to this Scripture passage. The first part is verse 12, which talks about what or whom we’re battling. It’s hard to fight something we can’t outright see. If you swing a baseball bat at me, I’m going to duck. If you insult me, I’m going to get mad. But how do we battle an
enemy we can’t see, touch or even kick? (Now there’s a great mental image: “Come here, Satan, and meet my foot.”)

The second part is the standing part, described in verses 13-17. These verses don’t tell us to don our armor and rush into battle. They don’t tell us to slash wildly and leave a wake of destruction. No, they tell us to stand firm. In fact, the word “stand” is used three times and in close proximity. Why?

I did some searching, and I found out that
histemi
, the original Greek word translated as “stand” in this passage, is an active verb. In this context, it means to stop, stand still, stand immovable, stand firm, continue safe and sound, stand unharmed, stand ready or prepared.

God is our commander. He is the one who is directing the battle, our lives, everything. If we’re racing into battle with only the sound of our raging voices in our ears, how on earth will we be able to hear Him tell us when to strike and when to fall back?

God has the big picture. He knows the lay of the land. He’s the One who will get us through the war alive. And kicking, I might add.

Of all the calls to the Christian life, I think this is the most challenging. It falls into that faith-and-trusting area. We have to trust that God is there, and we have to believe that the battle is all around us. We can walk blindly through and let the repercussions knock us off our feet, or we can go into battle prepared with armor.

Believe it or not, we’re on the front lines in our mismatched marriage. When there’s a soul at stake, the enemy will do everything he can to keep that person from coming to Christ. Fortunately for us, Satan doesn’t know the big picture, nor can he usurp God’s plan for our loved one. He can, however, try to tear us down and destroy our testimony. That’s why it’s so important to wear our armor daily.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

JOHN 14:6

In the Bible, Jesus always told the truth (all four Gospel writers record many instances of Jesus prefacing His remarks by saying, “I tell you the truth”), and He even referred to Himself as the truth (see John 14:6 above). The belt in our armor symbolizes our relationship with Christ and is firmly set in truth. The enemy will slam us repeatedly with lies to make us doubt, question and despair. We need this belt to discern the truth, so don’t bury it. Wear it proudly buckled around your waist and remember that with it, you are eternally bound to Christ, no matter what happens. His love is not dependent upon anything, isn’t conditional and won’t deteriorate over time.

It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption
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1 CORINTHIANS 1:30

Our righteousness comes from Christ, pure and simple. When God looks at us, that’s what He sees: the righteousness of His Son. Beneath this breastplate is our heart. There sits our emotions, our self-worth and our trust. Without this coverage, we are vulnerable in the most basic of ways. The enemy will skew our feelings toward our spouse, leaving fertile soil ripe for planting seeds of resentment, misunderstanding and judgment. He will make us feel less than adequate to please our spouse, and he will undermine our trust in God as well as in our husband.

Attacking relationships is a finely honed skill of the enemy. This breastplate, handcrafted by the blood of Christ Himself, is the barrier to protect us from the enemy’s attempts to discourage and defeat us.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock
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MATTHEW 7:25

Our footgear is the Word of God and the good news of Jesus, but in order to be ready to share our faith, we need to be securely grounded. Time spent in God’s Word, learning about Him and coming to know His character, is vital to this process. As unequally yoked spouses, we’re more likely to share our faith through actions instead of words. So I tend to take this literally. We have to be ready to move into action when God calls us. With Jesus as our foundation, we can run the race with feet fitted in the finest footgear there is—God’s Word.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God
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HEBREWS 12:2

Personally, I consider the shield of faith our most important piece of armor. A strong faith can protect us from so much. And just like a piece of real armor, our faith needs care and constant upkeep. According to Hebrews 12:2, Jesus is not only the perfecter of our faith but also the author of it as well. Understanding
this verse released me from the burden of thinking it was my job to have enough faith. But just like the father whose demon-possessed son was healed by Jesus, we too can say, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). We too can ask God to help us believe and strengthen our faith, especially during those times when praying for our spouse seems hopeless or even pointless.

The true strength of our faith lies in God, not our circumstances. So let’s consider a difficult question: Can we love our spouse without any guarantee that he will come to know Christ? If this question raises despair, then we’ve most likely placed our faith in our spouse’s conversion and not in God. This is a key element to thriving in our mismatched marriage. Realigning our faith to reside completely in God can be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary to finding peace and to loving our spouse unconditionally. Leave the saving to Jesus. You do the loving!

Ultimately, this is what our faith journey is truly about—not only growing in faith and trust but also placing our faith in our most capable and wonderful God. Then we are protected by His strength and not our own. Now that’s a shield that won’t rust or fail!

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will
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ROMANS 12:2

The enemy loves to attack our thoughts and inject his lies, especially when it comes to our salvation. He can’t snatch eternity away from us, but he can plant just enough doubt to make us ineffective Christians. That’s his goal: to take away our testimony and keep us from being an example of Christ to our
spouse. The helmet of salvation is our protection against these doubts and lies.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ
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2 CORINTHIANS 10:5

Of all our pieces of armor, the sword of the Spirit is our only weapon of offense. The other pieces defend and protect us, but we need the sword to fight. This sword is the Word of God. If we don’t spend time reading the Bible and studying God’s Word, we are ill equipped to oppose the lies of the enemy with truth. Our sword is vital to protect our marriage. The Bible is our greatest weapon. Nothing can stand against God’s Word, which is His truth and also His Son (see John 1:14).

We absolutely must wear our armor at all times. Don it every day. Literally pray through these verses from Ephesians and imagine yourself putting each piece of armor into place. That’s basically what quiet time spent each morning with God is all about: to regroup, to re-armor and to know God’s heart and praise Him for another day, prepared to fight and win.

And don’t forget your silver polish.

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one
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2 THESSALONIANS 3:3

As we walk through life, we collect labels of different sorts. “Mother,” “wife,” “assistant,” “doctor,” “teacher”—these are
rather innocuous labels that simply explain a role. Then there are descriptive labels that build us up (“beautiful,” “talented,” “graceful”) or tear us down (“ugly,” “stupid,” “clumsy”). Finally, there are the labels that describe our marital situation—“divorced,” “widowed,” “spiritually mismatched.”

The interesting thing about any kind of label is that it can be just a word we barely notice or a heavy burden that weighs us down in every area of our lives. We walk around wearing these signs as if they were a punishment or a jail sentence.

As the believing spouse in a mismatched marriage, we have to be careful not to wear our label of “unequally yoked” like a martyr. The danger of such an outlook is that our perceived label implies that our husband is our burden. Don’t think your man doesn’t pick up on this. He does. He knows full well how he’s reflected in your eyes.

The key is to change our perceptions and quit seeing ourselves as martyrs in our marriages. Instead, we need to put on the label of missionaries. As I said in
chapter 5
, we are the aroma of Christ in our homes, to our husband and to our family. If we only see our man as a burden to be dealt with instead of the husband God is calling us to love unconditionally, I can guarantee that’s not perfume we’re wearing.

We need to think of ourselves as soldiers on the front lines of our marriage. Our husbands need us fully armored at all times, even if they are completely unaware of the battle raging around them. We have the opportunity to be the catalyst of prayer, unleashing God’s power and protection in their lives.